Do you blame your parents if you are overweight?

[familiesarrggghhhhh]

So I’m 45 and I’m overweight - size 16/18

ive always been big, especially during primary school. I slimmed a little during secondary school but have been consistently overweight all of my life

My DNiece is 10 years old and is very overweight (Niece by marriage). I really feel for her as she reminds me of me when I was her age 😞

I mentioned this to my mum a few weeks ago and she got very defensive and rather rude. She said oh here we go, I’m blamed for everything aren’t it. Then she said “you’re 45 years old now, I’m not the reason why you’re still fat”

To say I was gobsmacked was an understatement. She denied I was even that big so I showed her a picture of peak fatty at around 8 years old. I told her that I certainly wasn’t buying the food that I was eating at that age so I didn’t know what else to say 🤷‍♀️

I do feel like being overweight from a very young age has left me with a very unhealthy relationship with food.

I have 2 daughters now and I’m very keen on healthy eating and exercise as I don’t want them to have my childhood.

so my question is, if you have been overweight since a very small child do you blame your parents?

to be clear I hadn’t blamed my parents until my mums very strong reaction when discussing my niece, but the more I think about it the more I think why wasnt it addressed?

I'm not overweight but I have a massive sweet tooth and food has always been linked with comfort and rewards in my house.
I just started weaning my baby girl and I asked my mum what my first food was as I was planning to do 2 weeks of first tastes of green veg- my mum said chocolate pudding!! You wouldn't dream of giving a baby that now but to me it sums it up.
I do think early eating habits do inform your relationship with food later in life.

I think parents are to blame if children are overweight or in any way malnourished, yes.

Oh my goodness 😂 that’s probably what I was given too.

I have twins and I made all my own purées (didn’t do baby led weaning) I used kale, spinach, Brocolli etc. I was cooking up a batch of salmon with sweet potato, my mum asked what that green stuff was that I was putting in - it was spinach 😂😂

No. My parents were average sized. My brother is average sized. Its my absolute greediness thats cause me to be overweight. My mum tried to help by limiting chocolate and rubbish but as soon as I moved out I just wanted to eat rubbish all the time and still do.

This. But you are 45. Arrange therapy to deal with your issues around food.

I do and I don’t. As a parent now I see it as my responsibility to try to teach my kids healthy eating habits so I do put some of the responsibility at their feet for me getting very overweight at a very young age. I think they always did their best - they would limit my access to sweets and tried to get me eating healthy foods etc but now when I see the size of portions my mum plates up for my toddler I can see where it came from. I think seeing my thin friends have access to the sweets I was only occasionally allowed because of my weight didn’t help my relationship with food in the long run either.

I know that not everything was in their control though and I have been the one in the driving seat for a long time, so it’s my responsibility that I’m still this way. I do think part of it is genetic predisposition though, and where I put on weight maybe some other child would have just burnt through it. We all know those kids who are bottomless pits and not a scrap of fat on them.

I’m currently on a 8 week CBT course 👍🏻

I have a friend who struggles with weight and has from childhood. Her portion sizes are enormous. That's clearly what she grew up with and she gives her kids large portions too but the children are not overweight because they are very sporty.

Your mother obviously doesn't want any guilt so you'll never convince her.

No absolutely not. I was an overweight primary kid, lost it in secondary and have kept it off. Also mid-40s. Of course they bought the food but you’ve been buying it since what, 18?

Ps well done on the CBT. Taking action is the only thing to do

when we were growing up mum used the deep fat fried 5 out of 7 days, she even chucked sausages in there to cook as well. We’d have a roast on Sunday, we’d never ever deviate.

my brother is slim, but he found sport at a very young age.

my girls now do dancing, gym & swimming and surprise surprise my mum thinks it’s too much and we should drop one (it’s not happening)

My Mum definitely caused me to have issues with food very early on. I was put on every diet going (early 90's) weight watchers, slimming world, detox diets, cabbage soup diets, Cambridge diet, Orlistat.

Looking back, I was chubby, but could have been encouraged to do more sports and activity and would have been fine.

Unfortunately my Mum had eating disorders all her life which she hid very well and by putting me on these diets she did them too for moral support. She lost weight easily, but usually by replacing food with cigarettes.

Spending from age 8 - 16 on a diet did me no favours. Anything sweet or remotely 'treat' like was always seen as naughty. I would binge when Mum was out and I've carried that on into adult hood.

I'm getting better at dealing with my eating, especially now I have 2 daughters, I want them to have a healthy relationship with food.

I don't blame my mum as such, she was ill herself. We've talked about it recently and I know she feels incredibly guilty for everything that went on when I was younger.

We grew up really poor, food was a luxury and as such we were all extremely skinny and mainly lived on eggs, pancakes and toast.

My older sister moved out of home at 16 with an older, richer man, and went WAY over the other way. Take aways all the time, sweets galore and she ended up hugely overweight.

I suppose you could blame our restrictive food upbringing for her going wild when she left home. But she then gained and gained and gained after that, even when told by Dr's to stop and ultimately died from an illness linked to a fatty diet. She is the only one who could control her eating, and she decided not to.

Hmmm. I don’t blame my parents for my weight. I do think they contributed to my terrible relationship with food and subsequently my weight as a child. As a young child it was very traditional northern stodge, cooked by a veg avoider. My mum didn’t have a clue about healthy food imo. They weren’t around as a teenager (working) so I survived on processed food I could shove in the microwave after school. I have a very poor relationship with food, so find it hard to diet / lose weight now as it’s fully a “mind” rather than “matter” problem.

Sometimes parents are to blame if the child is overweight and still being given lots of junks and treats. Sometimes children are overweight despite very healthy diets. Growing up depends what you were eating as to whether it’s parents fault but at the age of 45 it’s your fault. Adults have to take accountability for their own eating and exercising habits

I do blame parents for children's teeth and weight (barring genuine medical conditions). There's been a family done for neglect because their daughter got so obese along with other neglect.

There is a saying which I think helps:
'What happened to you wasn't your fault but it's now your responsibility to deal with it'.
I think looking back on the past is fine but you need to focus on moving forward and not having conversation with people who won't acknowledge or give you the answer you need or even listen to you because that can be re traumatising and opening up old wounds. It's about self acceptance rather than seeking validation, we can validate our own experience.

It’s definitely my fault that I’m overweight now, but the point I was trying to make about my Niece is that I know what it was like, never being picked for sports, always feeling uncomfortable no matter what I wore and ultimately a poor relationship with food.

I didn’t expect the strong “well it’s not my fault” from my mum - I’d never suggested that but it just got me wondering about it all really

I think it's complicated.

Of course your parents were in charge of buying food and feeding you/portions sizes etc so they are obviously responsible for you eating too much/not the right foods when you were very small. Unless you think they did it deliberately or through neglect then I'm not sure 'blame' is a helpful way to look at it. Not everyone is the perfect parent, there was less information around nutrition then, your mum didn't have the benefit of Mumsnet etc. so mistakes were made.

But I do agree with her that you've been an adult for a really long time. You have to take a big chunk of responsibility for your current weight. They maybe set you on the wrong path, but you're not incapable of being a healthy weight because of that, you have the option to make better choices. I think you're shirking responsibility a little bit. If you own it, you'll probably be in a better place with it all than blaming mistakes your mum made 40 years ago.

I don't think it's helpful or even truthfully correct to say it's my fault now, fault is about blame, this isn't and wasn't your fault, it's the consequences of your parents actions and parenting, you have inherited the legacy they gave you, it's still their fault now and until you break the cycle not by weight loss but by sorting out whatever mental associations you have and relationship with food, this goes deeper than just eating too much as anyone who knows about this sort of upbringing would know.

So I gently and kindly urge you to stop thinking about it as it's my fault now and change it into it's my responsibility now because you know better and you have more tools and resources to access to help yourself than when you were a helpless child.
Responsibility not fault.

To be clear: It was your parent(s) fault because you relied on them to make the best decision and as adults they should have looked after your health better. It's not now your fault, because this is the usual consequence of a fucked up relationship with food in childhood, this is a continuation of their mistake HOWEVER, it is now your responsibility to sort it out, even though it wasn't your mistake you are the one living with the consequences and suffering them so now you are in a better place practically, you owe yourself to work on this which you did not cause unfortunately.. see it as a life lesson if you are spiritual that you have inherited this burden.

I wasn’t overweight as a child but I am now and I have a very unhealthy relationship with food. Growing up, my mother had very disordered eating, performative dieting, competitive food virtue, comments about how good she was for not eating her potatoes etc. none if which was ever hidden from us. I don’t think that made me fat, I did that (with the help of some health issues and unmedicated ADHD) but it definitely didn’t help.

How is the CBT going @familiesarrggghhhhh? Would you recommend?

I agree.

I’m only 1 session in, there’s a lot to unpick, I have trauma around my pregnancy, birth and I have health anxiety about my kids health, after some really scary incidents. One of my anxieties was about food intake for them (they were prem).

I’ve got high hopes for it as I really do need to change my thinking & behaviour

Yes and no.

I was overweight from about 9. My mother was unhappy and comfort ate. She wanted a companion for that so I overate too. Not my fault, I was a child. My father was abusive, and I was generally unhappy. I developed bulimia when I was 12.

Luckily I loved being active, so managed to keep it all under some sort of control for a while. Then I didn't manage.

I'm an adult. Yes, it's totally my responsibility now. But my early experiences make it difficult.

I've tried to get help, but found no one was interested in bulimia, only anorexia. So, keep trying to sort it myself, with varying amounts of success.

Meanwhile, I blame myself for not getting a grip, but also save a bit of blame for my parents.