Do you blame your parents if you are overweight?

[familiesarrggghhhhh]

So I’m 45 and I’m overweight - size 16/18

ive always been big, especially during primary school. I slimmed a little during secondary school but have been consistently overweight all of my life

My DNiece is 10 years old and is very overweight (Niece by marriage). I really feel for her as she reminds me of me when I was her age 😞

I mentioned this to my mum a few weeks ago and she got very defensive and rather rude. She said oh here we go, I’m blamed for everything aren’t it. Then she said “you’re 45 years old now, I’m not the reason why you’re still fat”

To say I was gobsmacked was an understatement. She denied I was even that big so I showed her a picture of peak fatty at around 8 years old. I told her that I certainly wasn’t buying the food that I was eating at that age so I didn’t know what else to say 🤷‍♀️

I do feel like being overweight from a very young age has left me with a very unhealthy relationship with food.

I have 2 daughters now and I’m very keen on healthy eating and exercise as I don’t want them to have my childhood.

so my question is, if you have been overweight since a very small child do you blame your parents?

to be clear I hadn’t blamed my parents until my mums very strong reaction when discussing my niece, but the more I think about it the more I think why wasnt it addressed?

I believe that it is a parents responsibility to provide a healthy balanced diet and encourage exercise and moderation from an early age. I understand that this is all well in theory and circumstances vary so not all parents have the time or the money to provide these things. I do find it very, very difficult not to judge very overweight parents who pass on their bad diet and lifestyle choices to their children leading to them being overweight. Seeing severely overweight kids, with their guts hanging over their trousers who can't run or even walk at a normal pace is just so sad because you know they have such a lot of struggles ahead.

Yes, I do because it's their fault I have an eating disorder which has led to a lifetime of being overweight with all that comes with it, i.e. bullying, low self esteem, low confidence, etc.

I was overweight in primary school, at a time when I had no control over food and what I ate. Parents had an attitude of chips with everything, very little fruit and veg, fish & chips for supper (after our evening meal at 6pm), sugary fizzy drinks, lots of cakes, sweets and chocolates, etc. School teachers referred me to the "school doctor service" and I was hauled in by them for a dressing down as if it was my fault and I was put on a strict diet. Then parents happily stuffed themselves with their "chips with everything", cakes, etc., whilst I looked on eating my salads! Inevitably, I rebelled, and started buying crisps from the school tuck shop at breaks and lunchtime. School reported me to the school doctor again for doing that, so hauled in again and given another dressing down. After that, I got friends to buy crisps for me at school and I ate them in the toilets where the teachers couldn't see.

That has caused a lifetime of binge eating in secret, at secondary school, I hid under the stage in the school hall to eat in secret. When I started driving, I'd buy rubbish food from petrol stations and eat in secret in a corner of the car park. At work, I'd stuff myself in the filing room out of sight. In public, I eat normally and don't even have much of a sweet tooth, but in private, I can eat until I'm sick, often with foods I don't really like. All that stems from primary school when I started eating in the toilets!

It was grossly unfair to let me get so fat in the first place at a time I had no control over my food - I basically ate what I was given. Then grossly unfair to blame me for it. I firmly blame my parents for making it happen and then for the so-called school doctor to tell me off for it! I also blame parents for continuing to eat all their favourite crap in front of me when giving me a salad to eat - the very least they could have done was "join" me in my dieting and for the whole family to cut down and eat more healthily.

I chubbed out as a kid due to my gran and my inability to decline anything lest I was being rude (from mum) and my mum put me on an extremely restrictive poor diet (think 1 of those tiny processed pizzas the diameter of a cup type of thing for dinner). Led to binge eating, if she had left me alone I think it would have evened out.

I was a little overweight as a child in a family of slim and healthy Mum, Dad and older brother. I have 11 cousins - 2 overweight, and 9 not. I don't imagine they or I were given different food - it was a time when everyone ate the same meals together at the same time and snacks were unheard of. Some people are just genetically predisposed to hold onto all their calories. Did you not know OP?

Yes and no. My parents and siblings are tall and very athletic with an athletic build and healthy diet. I am rubbish at sport and barely 5ft (like my grandmother) I felt like the odd one out with different interests so I massively comfort ate as a child and have always been bigger. Now as an adult it's my fault I am overweight but it's emotionally led and i fluctuate alot. DC are average size very active and I adopt an everything in moderation approach.

As children it could be, as an adult we have to stop blaming our parents and take responsibility some time

I am a bit older than you OP and no I don't blame my parents for me being obese. I have been an adult longer than I was a child so the blame for my choices lies squarely with me. I am also the only person who can do anything about it.

It starts with parents, but at 45 it’s on you.

You can learn about healthy eating habits & implement the changes needed. We all know we need to exercise. Some people choose not to do either of the above.

Nah. I blame wine and the fact carbs are delicious, and the fact exercise is a bloody ballache. My weight fluctuates like mad and if I put my mind to it, I can lose weight.

come on op, you’re 45! You are in control!

I am starting to take control. Not to make excuses but I went through 8 years of IVF (those hormones do nothing for weight loss I can tell you lol), a complicated twin pregnancy, then literally surviving on coffee & chocolate for the first couple of years. I was slimmer 3 weeks after my c section than what I am now.

I’m 1 week into CBT (face to face as well rather than virtual) so I’m determined to make positive changes

My mum pushed chocolate, crisps etc on us but barely ate anything herself.

Me and my brothers were all really underweight as kids (and slim as adults) so her pushing high calorie processed food on us didn't seem to do much.

We all still have terrible diets, but we're thin...

My point is maybe we copy what our parents do/how they act with food, rather than it just being the food they give us.

My mum used to eat one meal a day at dinner time and nothing any other time. So growing up I didn't see skipping meals as unusual

Yes, definitely. Sugary breakfast cereals, large food portions with a pile of bread and butter on the table with every meal followed by ice cream. Huge fry up every Sunday morning followed by a big Sunday roast. It was mainly big portions and we had to finish our plates as there were starving kids in Africa. We all have weight issues although my brother is extremely sporty so he can manage his by training.

I used to. Not any more.

My mum was extremely controlling around food and had a horror of weight gain in quite a dysfunctional way. She controlled what I ate growing up very strictly and was very critical of me if I gained any weight (even the normal amount that you obviously gain growing up). I was always a healthy weight and she used to tell me that that was too much and that I should be aiming for underweight

I think all of that probably did contribute to my weight gain in later life- just quite a screwed up upbringing and very little chance to develop an internal sense of what to eat- I really feel I need to eat things right now because I might not get another chance. I also feel a bit of "fuck you, mum" about over-eating.

However, I now take ownership of my weight gain, or try to. Yes, it wasn't an ideal upbringing but I'm a 44 year old woman, I have a good brain and plenty of resources. There comes a time when you have to accept that you're the only person in charge of yourself and that blaming a parent achieves nothing. It wasn't the best but I think my mum was trying her strange best. So it's up to me if I want to be slimmer.

I don’t blame them, I think like most people they were doing the best they could. But portion sizes were big, there was a fair amount of junk in amongst the decent stuff, there were a lot of issues (financial, depression, alcoholism), neither of them knew how to be emotionally available, and I am guessing I am a natural comfort eater… it was a fatal combination of things.

Not directly but my DM was a fantastic cook and meals were so delicious that I ate too much ... I know I am greedy .

I do blame my dad. He sexually assaulted me when I was 12 and it started off my whole weight issues. I was quite a healthy kid but found my experience meant I needed to take control somehow /make myself 'unattractive' so I started to secretly eat. People are six times more likely to be obese as a survivor of CSA.

I have got morbidly obese but thanks to a whole shed load of counselling, I have got my head in the right place and I am taking back control in a different way by losing the weight.

Answering this from the other side... I have 3 DDs, all currently a healthy weight. But the younger two self-moderate their food intake and have a range of likes and dislikes, and the eldest adores food - there's nothing that she won't eat and will keep eating until the food is gone or someone stops her; she simply won't ever stop of her own accord.

At her current age, we have enough control over the food on offer to keep her a healthy weight. As she gets older, we'll have less influence over it and unless something changes, she's going to end up overweight. We talk about healthy choices, recognising when you're full, listening to your body not your mouth - none of it is landing so far. If somebody can tell me what else I should be doing to avoid blame when she's older, I'm all ears.

I'm the opposite OP. I was never allowed any treats or snacks as a child. We never had chocolate, crisps, cake or biscuits at home. When we go to visit my parents, my DH can't believe how bare the fridge and cupboards are. The result was that my brother and I were skinny as children but started gaining weight when we left home and could eat anything we wanted. We'd never learnt how to eat sensibly.

As adults, I'm overweight and my brother is obese. I do take responsibility for this and I accept that it's up to me what I put in my mouth. But I also feel that my unhealthy relationship with food stems from my childhood.

That’s a really hard situation, it is very tricky isn’t it. it’s true as they get older they do have to make their own choices. It sounds like you’re doing a fab job in trying to instil good food habits.

As I said in my OP, I didn’t associate blame with my parents, it was my mums extreme reaction when I compared myself to my niece. My mum always tuts and says my goodness she’s a big girl - my point was I was as big (if not bigger) than her at the same age. I just wondered how she could tut and say she’s too big when I was the same size.

but this is typical of my mum….

No, I don't. My parents are both slim, and growing up they provided healthy food, along with a treat occasionally, very balenced. They love exercise and we had an active lifestyle. One sibling is slim like them, two siblings are fat. We've been fat since before birth. I'm not sure what else my parents could have done. Obviously I take responsibility for my weight now.

I've got two children, I give them a healthy diet. Again, one is slim and one is overweight. And it only due to my efforts restricting her from eating, that she isn't more overweight. She just loves eating and has no off switch. When she's older and I can't control her food intake anymore, she will gain weight.

Parents are to blame if their children are overweight unless they have a medical reason to be overweight. But once you're 16/17 surely it's up to you to look after yourself better.

I struggle to keep my weight down as I love fast food, chocolate and fizzy drinks. But I don't have the energy to keep up with my toddler when I'm a size 16, so I cut these out and walked more to get to a healthy weight.

No not really. My parents definitely didn't overfeed me - if anything the opposite as they were obsessed with me being thin/losing weight.

I suppose if anything I comfort ate as they made me feel like shit but it could have gone the other way so I prefer this. I am happy with my body anyway and was thin as a teen just chubby as a kid then fat after kids.

I'm very conscious of saying the right/wrong thing to my kids re eating and weight because of how my parents were. Its a tricky balancing act.

It's very complicated. I was twice the size of the other children when I started school at 4. That definitely wasn't my fault.

I have an awful relationship with food which is rooted in my childhood. I accept that my parents aren't responsible for my binge eating issues now, but it definitely started with them.

I think at 45 you cant still be bkaming your parents for your failings!