Do you blame your parents if you are overweight?

[familiesarrggghhhhh]

So I’m 45 and I’m overweight - size 16/18

ive always been big, especially during primary school. I slimmed a little during secondary school but have been consistently overweight all of my life

My DNiece is 10 years old and is very overweight (Niece by marriage). I really feel for her as she reminds me of me when I was her age 😞

I mentioned this to my mum a few weeks ago and she got very defensive and rather rude. She said oh here we go, I’m blamed for everything aren’t it. Then she said “you’re 45 years old now, I’m not the reason why you’re still fat”

To say I was gobsmacked was an understatement. She denied I was even that big so I showed her a picture of peak fatty at around 8 years old. I told her that I certainly wasn’t buying the food that I was eating at that age so I didn’t know what else to say 🤷‍♀️

I do feel like being overweight from a very young age has left me with a very unhealthy relationship with food.

I have 2 daughters now and I’m very keen on healthy eating and exercise as I don’t want them to have my childhood.

so my question is, if you have been overweight since a very small child do you blame your parents?

to be clear I hadn’t blamed my parents until my mums very strong reaction when discussing my niece, but the more I think about it the more I think why wasnt it addressed?

I think your answer is far too simplistic. I also take issue with the word fault that is running out the thread. I think genetics play a far bigger role than we are allowed to acknowledge. My mother was born in the middle of the second world war and there was rationing until she was in her early teens. She was an overweight child. As an adult she was short and plump. My father was average height and slim. He was the youngest of four and was born at the beginning of the war. One of his older sisters has struggled with her weight all her life and his father was as round as he was tall (as was my other grandfather). Both my grandmothers were predisposed to putting on weight. I am the oldest of three, born in the mid sixties. We were all heavy babies at birth, but my brother and sister were much longer than I was - l think we can see where this is going. Surprise, surprise, they were always taller and slimmer. I was short and chubby - not overweight but well covered. We all had the same diet. As a teenager, I slimmed down as I grew taller but have always been pear shaped. I was size 10 top, 12 skirt (24/5" waist) and size 14 jeans (38" hips). By today's sizing, this is probably size 8,10, 12. I always had large thighs. When I had my own three children, I struggled to lose the baby weight after the second and third child. I have gone up and down in weight, with my legs, then my arms and bottom getting larger. I now know l have lipoedema, which I have inherited from my mum's side of the family. I suppose l could "blame" her for faulty genetics but that would be silly. I also enjoy food and I like chocolate. If I overindulge in these, then it is entirely my own fault. All my children were very slim, taking after my husband and the younger two still are. The oldest, who is now in his early thirties, put on weight in lockdown and has struggled since. He is a stockier build and not very tall and has obviously inherited some of my tendencies. By the way, I think the starving children in Africa/India or wherever has been a common parental saying since at least the second world war and probably further back. I remember my dad telling me that starving children in Africa would be very grateful for my rice pudding. I would have been happy for them to have it. I still don't like rice pudding and never mentioned starving children in other countries to my own children.
@IncompleteSenten, many congratulations on your massive weight loss.

No, not at all. My mum was a terrible cook and we weren't well fed at all. But as adults we have choices and we can choose what we eat and whether to lose weight. I say that as someone who needs to lose weight. But it's not my parents' fault.

Most of the time parents are doing their best.

Your DM probably did her best at the time OP

Yes she’s to blame somewhat for your bigger size in childhood but she may well have not known any better.So when you showed her a pic she felt guilty. She may have known she could do things differently even, but for whatever reason she didn’t.

To some extent you have to forgive her. If otherwise she was a good mum, then it’s just how things were. She may have been dealing with her own difficulties.

At your age now it’s wise to be taking steps to work out how you can have a more positive relationship with food.

If you can afford it, I’ve found the Zoe program transformational.

I never feel hungry anymore and it’s given me balance in my life and a bunch of safe choices I can eat and I don’t really think about food much anymore except in a positive way. I know what I eat are all good choices and it’s a way of life, not a faddy diet or a shake three times a day.

No, adults are responsible for their own bodies.

'Blaming' your parents for anything, once an independent adult, is pretty weak imo.

If the overweight has psychological issues behind it such as BED, then yes absolutely you should work with your councillor/therapist to trace possible roots in childhood and triggers. But understanding causes is NOT the same as 'blaming'.

So my conclusion is no it's really silly and immature to be 'blaming' your parents for something that's your responsbility.

You can’t blame being short in being overweight. I am tiny in height, so were my parents and so are my own children. Height has nothing to do with it. If that were the case there would be no overweight tall people.

I think some parents are somehow blind to their own child's weight issues. My DH was overweight as a child/teen and was picked on for it at school. It is very obvious from photos that he was overweight but MIL is adamant that he was definitely not overweight- just 'stocky' and 'athletic'. She also claims that the photos make him look bigger due to the clothes/angle/pose. From what he tells me he was always given huge portions of food and a constant supply of sweets/cakes/biscuits/crisps etc and praised for 'eating well' when he ate a lot. Once he took control of his own food as an adult he lost the weight but even now his instinct is to want huge portions and constant snacks (he has to make a conscious effort to limit himself). I think MIL was the reason why DH was an overweight child but I would not necessarily say I blame her; I think she uses food as a way to show affection and genuinely did not see that she was making him unhealthily large. She herself is has an unhealthy diet but only eats small amounts so is slim. When we visit her I don't think we ever get more than 15mins without being offered food (if for example we have lunch with her we will be offered seconds before we have even finished what's on our plates, then dessert, then tea and cake a few minutes later, then she'll pass round some sort of sweets, then ask if we want a sandwich/cheese and crackers, then start asking about the next meal. Before we leave she will always give us a bag of snacks 'for the journey', which is less than an hour).

@Icopewhenihope , please stop nitpicking to suit your own narrative. Where have l even inferred that short people are overweight and tall people not? I was simply stating facts about my own family. In this instance the facts were that I was short and chubby as a child and my brother and sister were tall and slim. Nothing there to project this onto everyone else. Had it been that I was tall and hefty while my brother and sister were were short and waiflike l would have said so. I didn't say, and could have done, that my own daughter is 5' 1" and size 6.

This is simply not true from my experience. I grew up in a family of six. All children fed the same. Good simple home cooked food. Lots of veg which we grew ourselves. Only had sweets once a week.

Three of us siblings grew up thin. And one grew up fat. She ate exactly the same as us. Genetic factors are definitely at play as she resembled a heavier grandparent. She lost a bit of weight as an adult and is very much in to exercise but still heavier than the rest of us.

Yes children will inherit the way you eat, your cooking skills, the sort of things you eat, but honestly op I’d be pretty embarrassed blaming my parent for something at the age of forty-five! Even if you do secretly blame them, where does it get you? You need to start taking responsibility for yourself now, and understand that weight is about a combination of factors. Not one person is to “blame”.

We were all heavy babies at birth, but my brother and sister were much longer than I was - l think we can see where this is going. Surprise, surprise, they were always taller and slimmer. I was short and chubby - not overweight but well covered. We all had the same diet

He is a stockier build and not very tall and has obviously inherited some of my tendencies

She was an overweight child. As an adult she was short and plump. My father was average height and slim

and his father was as round as he was tall (as was my other grandfather

Surprise surprise I think you will find you did.
Being short does not make you predisposed to being fat. Absolutely ridiculous excuse.

I was overweight as a child and have been overweight as an adult but have now reached a more settled place where I'm eating a varied diet (including wine, cake etc.), three meals a day plus a snack, eating what I fancy but I've managed to stop overeating.

Now that I have my own DD (6 yo) and have put some thought into bringing her up to enjoy good food as well as treat food but all in sensible portions I have to admit that I am aghast at the amount my mum facilitated me eating. I would eat seconds of every dinner, sometimes thirds and then have a stodgy pudding. The wider family would congratulate me for my 'healthy appetite' when I managed to put away a three course adults meal at the pub as a child. In truth I was eating an astonishing amount. I was very tall for my age but not fat until I was 10 and then when I was 11 I turned into an overweight child almost over night. Apparently it's fairly common for overfed kids to be overly tall and then suddenly the width will catch up. At this point its too late to start thinking about good eating habits because the child has been programmed to want a certain amount of food and certain types. It took me at least 20 years after this point to find a happy place with food.

I hate this type of thing when most parents are really trying their best and adhering to the social norms of their time/class/culture.
Obesity is a really complex multifactorial problem and shit slinging about it really doesn't help.
I hope your CBT course is effective OP.

I hear what you are saying and there definitely needs to be a balance INeedNewShoes but I know lots of children who were on the heavy side as tweens who grew up to be tall and thin.

@Icopewhenihope, this is the last time I will eqngage with you on this topic and this ridiculous argument. I was referring to my personal circumstances and not extending those particular circumstances to the population in general, as you well know. I was saying that l blame some of my genetic makeup for some of my weight problems but that l don't blame my parents or anyone else for my current issues. Hereditary does play its part in build and the propensity to put on weight, as with anything else such as hair colour, eye colour and, yes, height. Please stop derailing this interesting thread with your own agenda and spurious arguments.

@Sheepskinthrow I read something once about that the weight you are at the age of 18, 19ish, ie. roughly when you become an adult - that that is kind of going to be your set point weight for most of your life. Of course there's going to be outliers in any direction, but if you think about obese children that become obese adolescents - how often do they manage to suddenly not be obese anymore as adults?

If your parents have consistently overfed you to the point that you leave childhood really fat, or obese, I think you are always going to have an absolute struggle on your hand not to be.

There’s no doubt some people are born with muscular stockier bodies.

They don’t hide fat well whereas the thin-boned get away with a lot more.

DSM only has to look at a cake and it’s on her hips. It’s not really fair. On the other hand, she is stronger than DF and has so much endurance and stamina. She is impressive in many ways. She stays medium build through lots of exercise and good healthy foods. But she would become “fat” to the eye in a flash if any of this changed.

We also due process food very differently. Again, if you do Zoe program you’ll see your ability to process carbs and fats and this varies for everyone.

Some people are good at both, some people are bad at both. Genetics plus lifestyle do play a role.

I agree with you edgeware when it relates to really obese children in a family of obese adults. No question then that poor habits are programmed in to a child.

But there is also the other scenario, one which I have had experience of at my daughter’s school, where middle-class children were undernourished because their parents were feeding them diet products and cutting out all chocolate and carbs when their daughters were just going through a very normal chubby phrase prior to puberty. And once puberty hit they grew long and lanky!

I’m hoping it’s true about a set point as I was very skinny at eighteen. Have poured weight on post menopause though. This is true of many of my friends too!

@Sheepskinthrow yes menopause obviously a very different kettle of fish. (Oddly for my mum it was only after menopause that she was able to stay thin consistently - I've known her to be a very extreme yoyo-er my whole childhood!)

Outside of menopause which I am still a bit away from, I have found with myself and most other people I've known for a long time that we don't stray too far from that sort of weight we were when we became adults. Maybe a little heavier or a bit better in shape, but roughly the same. The people who were always very fat just never lose it.

That's awful re: your daughter's school, I agree a degree of chubbiness is very normal with girls in puberty.

Sometimes it's just genetics though. My Dd is overweight but eats the same as the rest of us and D's is skinny, I am average and DH is probably a little overweight but only just. She is very active, sports 3 times a week and walks several miles a day. I am sure she'll grow out of it but I don't want to be commenting on it to her or regulating food other than talking about healthy choices and steering her to healthier snacks etc

I don’t blame parents as I think they did what they thought was best at the time. That said the association of sweetness with reward and comfort does stem from then. What’s different is the sheer volume of sweet stuff available now compared to then. If we were still moving about as much as the 70s and with the same restricted access to sweet things the bad childhood habits wouldn’t be an issue now.

That said I had to smile at other posters mothers being desperate to give grandchildren chocolate. My mother has her tribe!

I do think your mother has to shoulder the blame. Yes, you can choose to lose weight as an adult, but it must be incredibly difficult if you've never known what it's like to be of normal weight, you probably can't believe it's really achievable.

Some really interesting comments on here, it’s strange as I’d not had strong feelings of blame until my mothers very strong, offended reaction and then it got me thinking……….

I’ve had my 2nd CBT session today, today had been about family, I always knew I had a difficult relationship with my mum, the criticism of me throughout the years and now is critical of my parenting. It’s the first time someone has listened and used the word narcissist and gas lighting to describe her. I have a DB who established strict boundaries with her years ago when his children were young. He describes her as bullying me and urges me to stand up to her.

I really do want to change and I’m embracing this therapy as a catalyst for many changes.

I've seen a dear friend die of addiction in a similar situation OP.

She had a weight loss operation due to morbid obesity but her addiction to food progressed to addiction to other things and she died at the age of 45.

She had an extremely critical mother.

You have a lot to unravel by the sounds of things.

Go carefully OP. It sounds like you have a lot of healing to do, far far away from your DM.

You are not fat because of genetics or because you are short. You are fat because you eat too many calories.
If you went into the jungle and were given basic rations would you stay the same size? No.
Blame genetics as much as you like, it doesn’t cause people to be obese.

Except genetics does play a part, recent research into diabetes showed that normal weight people can be pre diabetic and this is attributed to genetics.
its an adaptation to surviving famine, but lethal when food is plentiful and low quality as it is this country. Add in that we live in an obesogenic environment, consequently a lot of people have much less control over their weight than traditional ways of thinking would have you believe.
it is not necessarily a result of gluttony.

No. My parents were normal weight and so were my siblings. I was slim until about 8/9 then chubby then slimmed down again in teen years but have been overweight most of my adult life and am near my heaviest now (recently lost two stone). My parents had nothing to do with it. We didn't have treats or dessert most nights but I still managed to eat more than my fair share I guess, plus I put on weight easily.
My son was chubby as a youngster but put himself on a diet at 13 and lost it all and is a fitness fanatic now. My daughter is normal weight and not too bothered about food and has good discipline. I always gave them healthy food plenty of veg (my weight issues are because I eat too much and have a sweet tooth, plain and simple).