Do you blame your parents if you are overweight?

[familiesarrggghhhhh]

So I’m 45 and I’m overweight - size 16/18

ive always been big, especially during primary school. I slimmed a little during secondary school but have been consistently overweight all of my life

My DNiece is 10 years old and is very overweight (Niece by marriage). I really feel for her as she reminds me of me when I was her age 😞

I mentioned this to my mum a few weeks ago and she got very defensive and rather rude. She said oh here we go, I’m blamed for everything aren’t it. Then she said “you’re 45 years old now, I’m not the reason why you’re still fat”

To say I was gobsmacked was an understatement. She denied I was even that big so I showed her a picture of peak fatty at around 8 years old. I told her that I certainly wasn’t buying the food that I was eating at that age so I didn’t know what else to say 🤷‍♀️

I do feel like being overweight from a very young age has left me with a very unhealthy relationship with food.

I have 2 daughters now and I’m very keen on healthy eating and exercise as I don’t want them to have my childhood.

so my question is, if you have been overweight since a very small child do you blame your parents?

to be clear I hadn’t blamed my parents until my mums very strong reaction when discussing my niece, but the more I think about it the more I think why wasnt it addressed?

My 8 year old DS is overweight. He's Autistic, eating helps him regulate and he doesn't seem to receive any feedback that tells him he's full. He plays two sports on the weekends and does swimming, he plays sport every lunch time at school. My other two are healthy weights, get the same food. I'm not saying that to say I'm not responsible, I blame myself especially as I'm a single parent. I'm aware I don't provide a good example as I'm overweight myself. I was skinny as a kid, gained weight after getting sick, I'm disabled. I'm trying to address it gently with him, I'm scared if I do it wrong he'll end up with even more issues around food, end up bulemic or anorexic. I know he's eating his feelings so to speak and we're working on him being able to deal with his feelings with a psychologist. I asked her how to help him eat less and she said that's something for the future as he can't even recognise his feelings or when he's full and that needs to come first. If he ends up struggling with his weight for the rest of his life yes I will feel responsible. It's a hard issue to tackle whether its your child or yourself.

I have always been overweight. I am an anomaly in my family as they were all normal. No one skinny but slap bang in the middle of normal.

They were all active/good at sport whereas i am naturally sloth.

I ate the same as them of course. There were cakes and puddings around but also lots of fruit and veg and mostly home cooked from scratch.

Portions were my issue I think. I ate the same as my brother and almost the same as my dad. I am greedy and get comfort from food. It's my dopamine hit.

I don't blame my parents at all but my mum and her family did make (blunt but well meaning) comments which made me self conscious so definitely a bit of secret eating as a teen.

My own kids are skinny and have a very different approach to food. Teens at the moment and their diet is trash despite me trying to get some veg in them. But they eat with moderation and regulation naturally)as goes dh). So hopefully the healthy food with come back in due course once they've got over the novelty of buying pot noodles after school then being too full for dinner.....

I was quite badly behaved as a child with terrible tantrums. The doctor told my mum to feed me more. I look back on the amounts I ate as a child and am shocked, there's no way I could eat that amount now. I was never overweight but I can see how parents trying to do their best could cause that to happen.

I think weight is largely down to genetics

As a family we had smaller portions than everyone else. We could never finish pub meals and I remember being wide eyed at the enormous portions given in other peoples houses. I was never hungry though and beautifully slim. I do the same for my teens they haven’t even noticed but remember them commenting on the enormity of other kids packed lunches at primary. The other kids in question were all noticeably fat.

I've struggled with my weight since puberty. Finally feel at a good place with healthy attitude to diet and exercise. I do blame my parents. There were never any boundaries put in place regarding food. Everything was fair game. No comments made if I ate half a packet of biscuits after dinner. Never any encouragement to exercise. But in the times when I was trying to lose weight, DM would make comments such as looking lovely, just need to lose the belly (I was 21 and a size 10!)

I was skinny as a child, all my siblings were, there was never enough to eat.
I'm fat now, I've lost 3 stone this year, still fat i suppose you could say it was due to being hungry as a child. I don't blame anyone for my weight though.
My siblings aren't fat, they're a normal weight, and my daughter is very active and built like a string bean.

My mum and all 6 kids were slim and still slim on our 30s-50s...

My 3 kids, 2 are slim and the 1 who insisted on living with her dad who feeds her junk is fat.

So yeah I blame parents. Once you're an adult, it's your own fault

I blame the parents because fat cells cannot be lost - only reduced in size. So if you gain enough weight as a child (become overweight) you have an increased number of fat cells that stay with you forever. That's why children with weight issues become adults with weight issues - and even if they successfully lose weight it's so much harder.

I'm not, no have I ever been overweight, unfortunately other end of the eating disorder spectrum.............

I'm overweight and blame the era I grew up in rather than my parents. I'm a Seventies child and it was such a warped time for eating. On the one hand tinned and convenience food was suddenly everywhere and everyone embraced it (Findus Pancakes followed by Angel Delight, anyone?), but it's also the same decade where dieting became an obsession for many women, including my mum, with the F Plan, WW etc taking off. Talked about mixed messaging! Then, when we arrived in the early Eighties, we were told there were starving kids in Africa and we needed to clear every scrap on our plates! (Not sure how me scarfing down all my Sunday roast helped them in Africa, mind). Both my DP and I (he's a Seventies kid too) overeat because we are so conditioned to clear our plates that we've forgotten what it feels like to be genuinely full. As a result, we have never made our DC clear theirs and we don't label anything "treats" so no food feels forbidden or naughty, and as a result they are naturally lean.

I was overweight/ obese when I was younger. I'm less so now - not obese - but I've never quite managed to get to a normal BMI.

To be honest yesI do think it is my parents' fault to a degree, but not entirely.

They let me eat more or less what I wanted, and in the 90's there was a lot of processed crap around. I grew up in a working class environment and there was really little education about what a healthy diet looked like - it just wasn't really a priority. There was a lot of frozen and tinned processed food. I didn't see many fresh vegetables at all.

I think it's messed up my relationship with food in that as an adult I still crave processed crap and I have to constantly deny those cravings in order to maintain a reasonable weight.

My friends who had more middle class upbringings just don't seem to have the same cravings as me in quite the same way. They love chocolate but don't struggle to eat it in moderation, for example, and they don't really care about things like McDonalds (which I can't resist).

The reason I don't blame my parents entirely is that they were also products of their environment and a lack of knowledge/ education. I don't think they really had all the tools and knowledge to give me a healthy nutritious diet. So whilst I think it was a result of the way they brought me up - it wasn't really their fault. It was partly a cultural/ societal issue.

Either way, as an adult, you just have to live with the hand you were dealt and go in your own direction.

It's annoying that I have to deal with these cravings, but I do deal with them, because I'm an adult and the alternative is being very overweight and miserable. I don't resent or blame my parents because I understand. There is no point holding grudges.

I think two things, OP:

1. At 45 you can acknowledge the roots of a behaviour lays in your childhood without attaching blame to it. Besides, blame will hurt you far more than it will hurt anyone else and make your struggle with weight even harder.
2. We can forget our own parents were given issues with food, feeding, love, by their parents - and so on until we're far enough back that parents were probably just about managing to keep everyone alive, let alone worry about how they might feel about food when they were middle aged.

In most cases, parents did the best they could with the skills and knowledge they had. In some cases, that best was still very poor, but they did not have it in them to do better.

Forget blame - forget even the fresh blame of blaming her for the blame. Just acknowledge it and move on.

My DM is definitely to blame for my food/weight issues. I was given huge portions for meals and dragged from the chair and beaten if I didn't clear my plate. She often bragged that she would heat my food to the point it would scald my mouth if I didn't swallow it when she put it in my mouth. She was so proud of that one.

I was late 30's before I realised I could actually stop eating when I was full. And I could even have smaller portions if I wanted! My weight is under control now but it's taken me years to get to this point.

Yes and no. Like PP I think generally parents are to blame if children are overweight or malnourished because it's them making food decisions. I also think parental attitudes to food shape how children view food.

But like many issues that might stem from childhood there comes a point as an adult where we've got to take responsibility for ourselves, get out of the victimhood mindset, stop blaming everyone else for our situation and make positive changes for ourselves.

I think if a child is overweight, not just puppy fat which is very common until. Growth spurt/puberty, then it is often down to the parents, not always.

i do not think parents are responsible for adult kids weight. And am not a fan of trying to absolve personal responsibility. Yes it’s harder if not taught goood eating habits growing up, but there is so much info out there, it’s very hard not to know how to eat. And you clearly do as you do for your kids. You also have a healthy weight brother, who grew up under the same circumstances.

I’m sorry that happened to you. Mine hit me with a wooden spoon over my knuckles. I would have to sit there all night till I finished it. It is abuse. But I do think we have personal responsibility as adults.

Yes and no. For children, weight is the responsibility of the adult.As an adult it’s up to you to be responsible for your own weight. Whilst things may have had an impact the responsibility is your own

Keep encouraging the sport. I think this is actually where a lot of parents go wrong. DD at 8 was swimming x2, running x2 and going to cycling club once a week. She attended tri club where they would swim then run straight afterwards. She also did dance once a week to. Kids are supposed to do an hour of exercise a day, really they can cope with it as school is to seditiory. I was surprised myself at how much she did but she was never to tired. At 16 she now swims 6 times a week and goes to the gym (she gave up running and dance) and it's actually hard to get her to eat enough.

DH had food issues due to his upbringing and I totally blame his parents. Luckily for him as an adult he has addressed them and lost weight. But his parents are feeders, they eat way to big portions and pudding with every meal. It's not always about what you eat but how much. Unfortunately his sister still lives at home and is morbidly obese and has always been very overweight. It won't ever change while she lives with them as they still feed her now.

If you are fat as a child and stay fat until into adolescence, it is nigh impossible to suddenly become thin as an adult. And if you are a fat child, yes, parents are to blame.

I’m sorry that happened to you. Mine hit me with a wooden spoon over my knuckles. I would have to sit there all night till I finished it. It is abuse. But I do think we have personal responsibility as adults.

Mine used implements to beat us with too. Saved hurting her hands! Shoes, wooden breadboards with a handle, had a bamboo cane for a bit too, until she snapped it hitting one of us.

We do have personal responsibility as adults but when certain behaviours are so ingrained (I was early teens before the beatings stopped) it's hard to get out of certain habits. I broke the habits but it took many years.

My DH was very overweight when he was young, he's so slim now that no one believes us when we tell people he was so big.
I absolutely blame his parents and so does he, he was brought up on frozen food, tinned food and Mayo.
He said he'd often have chicken kievs, turkey dinosaurs, fish fingers, beans and peas out the tin and Chinese takeaways. He also ate Mayo out of the jar 😳
When my DH has brought it up with his parents they say "it was only puppy fat", no, it was obesity caused by their decisions!!

DH did it but it was a lot of hard work on his part. A realisation that he was to used to large portion sizes and sitting down and eating an entire packet of biscuits at a time was normal in his house (this shocked me) rather then just having one or two like the rest of us would. His parents had very obviously given him very bad associations with food growing up.

It’s shit isn’t it. I used to see her get the wooden spoon out, and just stare at it in fear, I’d take a bite and she’d hit hard, very hard, still till this day I don’t understand why no one ever questioned why I always had sore skinned knuckles.

No, we always had a good diet in our house as in good quality food well cooked. We were much more active 40 years ago.

I've always had a tendency to comfort eat and my portion control is terrible. WFH doesn't help as I take a proper afternoon tea break with cake 🍰

It's all on me not helped by a family predisposition towards stoutness.

I’m with this^

I think you would be less black and white OP if your mum accepted her responsibility at least a bit but she was in a complete denial which would irritate me too.