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Original poster

Concerned about a colleague

77 replies

Hotdogstarfish · 24/11/2023 20:13

She's the same age as me, early 30s. I met her a couple of months ago and would consider her a friend, she's really nice, we have a lot in common and she always makes a big effort to talk to me.
I'm just a bit concerned about her weight but not sure how to approach it. The thing is I have seen her eating and she talks about cooking etc, but she is thin to the point of being emaciated.
Her face looks very drawn and skeletal. For a woman of her early 30s, she looks haggard, I don't mean that in a rude way but her eyes are sunken, and I've noticed she has a lot of hair on her legs which I believe can be a symptom of eating disorders (growing extra bodily hair).
She is always in baggy clothes but I would easily put her at a UK size 4, and she's around 5'6.
Maybe it's just her natural build and there's nothing wrong with her, I am just concerned but not sure how to approach it or if it's any of my business. She is a really good person and I care for her as a friend. However I don't want to offend her of push her away.

OP posts:
idontlikealdi · 24/11/2023 20:13

You don't, it's none of your business.

Original poster
Hotdogstarfish · 24/11/2023 20:14

She also mentioned something about losing her hair. I know it isn't my business, but I am worried about her and I've had friends with eating disorders before. I'm sure there's nothing I can do , I just wanted to support her.

OP posts:
Betty407 · 24/11/2023 20:15

She could have an eating disorder, she could have another medical condition, or she could just be very thin.

Either way, its none of your business.

Would you bring up a colleagues weight if they were overweight?

Original poster
Hotdogstarfish · 24/11/2023 20:17

No, but she just looks very unwell and very drawn. It's not just a case of being under or overweight. I just wanted to ask if she was ok, but I'm aware it's none of my business. I just hope there's nothing to worry about.

OP posts:
Somewhatchallenging · 24/11/2023 20:19

It is none of your business. And assuming she might have an eating disorder is somewhat offensive, so don’t mention it. I’m thin and have thinning hair - and I’d be very upset if anyone mentioned it, as I don’t like it myself, and have to live with it. The reason is because I’m ill and it’s caused by side effects.

Betty407 · 24/11/2023 20:19

I'm sure she's noticed herself.

As will her family, friends and others she's known for more than a couple of months.

Original poster
Hotdogstarfish · 24/11/2023 20:21

I think the comments are quite scathing here, I don't really think I'm unreasonable for being concerned. It's irrelevant the number of months tbh. As I've mentioned, I won't be saying anything.

OP posts:
Hanlonsamazer · 24/11/2023 20:21

Leave her alone, she will know, and have been told for a very long time about this. She doesn't need the opinion of someone she's only known for a couple of months. If you're genuine, why don't you just try to be a friend to her?

andHelenknowsimmiserablenow · 24/11/2023 20:26

It's nice of you to be concerned OP.
I am shocked most people have said to mind your own business.
I had a new colleague once who was painfully thin and exhausted. Everyone thought they should mind their own business, turned out she had cancer.
Luckily when she finally went to the doctors they treated it in time.

SwedishSchnauzer · 24/11/2023 20:26

Can you ask how she is? If you share how you are, she might do the same.

Somewhatchallenging · 24/11/2023 20:33

andHelenknowsimmiserablenow · 24/11/2023 20:26

It's nice of you to be concerned OP.
I am shocked most people have said to mind your own business.
I had a new colleague once who was painfully thin and exhausted. Everyone thought they should mind their own business, turned out she had cancer.
Luckily when she finally went to the doctors they treated it in time.

And that’s why I wouldn’t want anyone to mention it - because I do have cancer, and being thin and losing hair are caused by the treatment for cancer.

Sidebeforeself · 24/11/2023 20:36

Mind your own business doesn’t mean you are wrong to care. But realistically you cant know what’s going on unless she invites you in. Be a friend, keep doing what you are doing, but please don’t say anything

Floooooof · 24/11/2023 20:47

I'm not sure it's appropriate to ask anyone questions about medical issues when you have only known them a couple of months

I had an eating disorder and was absolutely mortified every time someone mentioned it

Whylurkwhenicanjoinin · 24/11/2023 20:47

Bless you for caring, she is clearly unwell and I know you only want to help but she may have a gastric issue, cannot chew/swallow for instance, or it may be ED, if its the latter then nothing you say or do will help, all eating disorders are extremely complex, just be a good friend, i'm sure she appreciates it

andHelenknowsimmiserablenow · 24/11/2023 20:47

Somewhatchallenging · 24/11/2023 20:33

And that’s why I wouldn’t want anyone to mention it - because I do have cancer, and being thin and losing hair are caused by the treatment for cancer.

Show quote history

I am really sorry to hear that.

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/11/2023 20:49

Hanlonsamazer · 24/11/2023 20:21

Leave her alone, she will know, and have been told for a very long time about this. She doesn't need the opinion of someone she's only known for a couple of months. If you're genuine, why don't you just try to be a friend to her?

This. Be a friend. You aren't a therapist.

Also, maybe examine if you typically seek co-dependant relationships.

saraclara · 24/11/2023 20:52

Unless she's entirely alone in the world, there will be family and friends who are much closer to her, who will be aware if there are any issues, and far better placed to bring them up with her.

You seem to want to 'save' her. That's really not necessary if she has family/a partner/ good friends.

StarDolphins · 24/11/2023 20:53

I lost a lot of weight last year due to stress (not down to the same as your friend) but everyone noticed & everyone said something & honestly, I hated it. I felt so self conscious AND I didn’t need telling, I knew I was too thin/noticeably thinner.

I know you mean we’ll OP but I wouldn’t say anything at all. Just be her friend & if she wants to talk about a thing, she will.

Squiggles23 · 24/11/2023 20:53

It’s really hard being in that situation. There was a girl in my office that was the same. All you can do is keep being her friend and hope she knows she can come to you when she needs to.

determinedtomakethiswork · 24/11/2023 20:55

If you do say something, say it at the end of the day when it is just the two of you. You can say that you are concerned about her health but I wouldn't mention her weight. It's very sad. Does she have a good family?

AllAroundMyCat · 24/11/2023 20:57

Everyone says 'mind your own business.'

It's easier said than done.

I lost my best friend at school because she starved herself.

We were all told to leave her be and to not talk about it.

So we all pretended life was fine.

She kiilled herself. She thought no one cared.

I don't k ow what the answer is but pretending that there's not an issue is not answer.

Sidebeforeself · 24/11/2023 21:21

But it’s very unlikely she’ll say she has a problem , and if she does what next? You cant fix it. You can offer to put her in touch with someone, but if she wanted that she’d find it herself.
i have had eating disorders and I knew my friends knew but I really appreciated them giving me my space.

1983Louise · 24/11/2023 22:16

Thank you for caring, you sound a lovely friend to her. Could you bring up a conversation about yourself not feeling well and that your thinking of asking for blood tests. She may open up to you about her health problems if she has any, if she doesn't at least the subject has been broached.

theduchessofspork · 24/11/2023 22:19

She’s not really a friend after just a few months, just someone you’re friendly with.

I understand your concern, but leave it be - you don’t know her and she’s an adult.

Best thing you can do if she does have a eating disorder is stay around and become a proper friend. If she eventually wants to talk about anything she will.

Hanlonsamazer · 24/11/2023 22:44

1983Louise · 24/11/2023 22:16

Thank you for caring, you sound a lovely friend to her. Could you bring up a conversation about yourself not feeling well and that your thinking of asking for blood tests. She may open up to you about her health problems if she has any, if she doesn't at least the subject has been broached.

Yes, the famous “making shit up to coerce someone into disclosing information they would rather not” route to friendship. I’m sure she’d think you’re a keeper.