Concerned about a colleague

[Hotdogstarfish]

She's the same age as me, early 30s. I met her a couple of months ago and would consider her a friend, she's really nice, we have a lot in common and she always makes a big effort to talk to me.
I'm just a bit concerned about her weight but not sure how to approach it. The thing is I have seen her eating and she talks about cooking etc, but she is thin to the point of being emaciated.
Her face looks very drawn and skeletal. For a woman of her early 30s, she looks haggard, I don't mean that in a rude way but her eyes are sunken, and I've noticed she has a lot of hair on her legs which I believe can be a symptom of eating disorders (growing extra bodily hair).
She is always in baggy clothes but I would easily put her at a UK size 4, and she's around 5'6.
Maybe it's just her natural build and there's nothing wrong with her, I am just concerned but not sure how to approach it or if it's any of my business. She is a really good person and I care for her as a friend. However I don't want to offend her of push her away.

It's a tricky one. Some people here with lived experience say asking them would have been the right move.
My daughter has anorexia. Mentioning her eating disorder, food, mental health... everything is a trigger for her and leads to further starvation and self harm.
If someone directly approached her and asked if she was having eating disorder related issues or health issues, I dread to think what it could escalate to 😢

You sound like a lovely person, I would just suggest carrying on being a friend & letting things unfold hopefully organically, ED's are incredibly complex & what's okay for one peron might send another (me at the time) running for the hills & sadly at the end of the day she's an adult

Leather her the fuck alone.

Would you mention the opposite? No you wouldn't.

Hi Op
I know you are only saying this from a place of concern but you need to rember you are at stage of new friendship getting to know her,
she proberly has friends and family who know her obviously a lot better that she can confine to about things

tread carefully weight is a obviously a personal thing,

You can ask if she's OK? and say how you are you too type of thing
but do this in matter of fact way just in passing not especially big emphasis on this

Just wondering do you have tendency towards wanting to rescue save people in any kinds of relationships Op?

this is not healthy either if you depend on people's neediness and yourself paradoxically to want to be needed in this way tendency,

seek help with therapy why you feel like this,
as the way we interact in relationships of all kinds is like a mirror reflections of ourselves too,

Aw OP, lovely of you to be concerned for your colleague. Personally, I wouldn't mention it because she could be in recovery from an ED, or have a medical condition.

Could you speak to your line manager just to raise your concerns or just simply make them aware of your concerns so they can keep an eye out? They probably already know. Least that way you'll have peace of mind.

I've had an eating disorder (now normal soon weight but still always monitoring). I would have HATED for people to mention to me and I would have complained to HR.

Mind your own business please OP. If you did this to me I would put in a formal complaint to HR. So many nosey people out there !

She's a work colleague and you've known her for 2 months. Have i got that right?

Therefore she's not a friend (friendships take longer than 2 months to form)

And if she were a long term friend you'd know about her life and what's going on

You like her and you work with her but you don't know her well

Have a chat with her line manager and explain that you're concerned

Then be kind and friendly but not intrusive

I would say something like, “ I’m not sure if I should say something because I really don’t want to upset or offend you, but I’ve noticed you’ve mentioned a couple of things about losing your hair and feeling tired. How are you feeling?”
Make sure it’s just two of you, quiet uninterrupted space, maybe over a coffee. It’s often good to be noticed and feel valued. Give her space to open up if she wants to. If she doesn’t, tell her she can talk to you anytime as you consider her a friend.
Then don’t mention it again. You sound lovely. If you approach it well, it will be taken as concern and feeling seen and valued.

A friend yes I'd check in with them. A work colleague No because it could cause issue. Their line manager should probably check they are ok tho.

I don't agree, there have been two times in my life where the chemistry was just right between me and work colleagues and we became true friends very fast. One I only worked in the same organisation with her for 2 years over 20 years ago. The other was for around 4 years but she left 2 years ago. They are two of my closest friends.

I came on to say similar. People not saying anything can be very very harmful.

I'd start by gently asking if she is ok and letting her know you are there for her.

In my view it’s about context. A colleague who’s also a friend isn’t the same thing as a friend from outside work. If your colleague is the sort of person who doesn’t want to talk about it, and you bring it up, she then has to see you every day at work. It’s different if you say the wrong thing to someone you only have a social relationship with. I’d be less inclined to take this sort of risk with a work friend in case it put them under more pressure. I’d hope they had friends outside work that they could talk to.

On this thread there are people who have/have had eating disorders who say that speaking up would be helpful, and others who say it would have been destructive.

This is one of those situations where there are two options and you have to consider which is the last harmful.
Not saying anything leaves things at the status quo. Saying something could send someone spiraling down.

Given that you don't know this person well, choose the least harm option. Be friendly, let her choose whether she wants to tell you anything..

I don't blame you for being concerned, however I don't see how you could speak to her about this, without offending / overstepping. Does she have family or friends? If yes, then I would trust they would notice something's off (if this is the case). IF she has no one else, then perhaps just keep a close eye on her, maybe go for drinks / lunch with her and see if she opens up. Good luck!

Well I will choose to ignore your advice. I would put up with being reported to HR. I prefer to take the path of kindness to ask someone if they are ok somthing which you seem lacking. Just out of interest what are you going to report them for? Asking if they are ok not sure that is a punishable offense.

Well I said don’t do anything if you cant fix it, and i am not ignorant of mental health issues thankyou very much. I have suffered from ED on and off for most of my adult life. This thread reveals there’s no one simple solution and people react differently

I would focus on being a good friend and offering her the chance to talk if she wants. It sounds like she is already bringing it up herself a little bit such as by mentioning her hair. You could ask in response if she is taking good care of herself and getting enough nutrition and suggest the go if it felt appropriate. Focus on wellness not talking about her weight

No, my argument is that new colleague just put her weight loss down to stress and other colleagues didn't question it despite their concerns. Someone in her family eventually insisted she went to the doctor where she was diagnosed with cancer within weeks.
If she hadn't been persuaded that her weight loss was concerning it may well have been too late for her.

@Catpuss66 imagine a situation where I'm obese and she asks me am I ok ? That's body shaming and I think also asking someone very thin if they're ok is harassment and honestly none of OP's business. Her questions could be triggering. You all, mind your own business but I promise you had anyone ever asked me, they would regret it. That's why I am friendly but cold at work.

It’s good you care but it is so difficult as like some have said bringing it up could be negative for her. Though others say different so it’s hard to know as it can obviously be personal. I’d just try being a supportive friend. You haven’t known her long so she might eventually share something about her health with you.

I've had an eating disorder in the past and I too agree with saying something. When you already have a negative mindset (typical of an eating disorder) you start to not only think but believe that nobody cares. That you're worthless. I was so so grateful to those who mentioned it to me.

I formed a similarly close friendship with a colleague whom I suspected had a drinking problem. We went out for lunch and I bought it up. He went mad. Was really defensive. And then bit by bit opened up to me about it, because he knew that he could. Sadly he relocated to make a fresh start, but it didn't work and his drinking got worse and he passed away. But up until the end we were good friends and I would like to think that that at least bought him a bit of happiness and decreased his loneliness.

Have you not seen my earlier comment. I had the same situation no one had said anything to the colleague. I was so concerned I was worried she may have a cardiac episode. When I asked her if she was ok she completely opened up. She went to the GP that night I supported her via text. No one had bothered to acknowledge her weight loss. Not saying I cured her but at least for that time someone was bothered about her. Your scenario is not at all the same, I worked in healthcare part of my job was to ask about weight, just because that’s what triggers you doesn’t mean that same approach should be taken for everyone. Sounds though you hadn’t thought about anyone else.

You could show her your concern if she brings up something like the hair loss again by asking an open question or two, then she can tell you more of discuss her situation if she wants to. Show interest in how she's doing, check in with her, show her you're open to being supportive if she needs or wants support.

She’s known her a few weeks! ‘I met her a couple of months ago…’