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Original poster

Concerned about a colleague

77 replies

Hotdogstarfish · 24/11/2023 20:13

She's the same age as me, early 30s. I met her a couple of months ago and would consider her a friend, she's really nice, we have a lot in common and she always makes a big effort to talk to me.
I'm just a bit concerned about her weight but not sure how to approach it. The thing is I have seen her eating and she talks about cooking etc, but she is thin to the point of being emaciated.
Her face looks very drawn and skeletal. For a woman of her early 30s, she looks haggard, I don't mean that in a rude way but her eyes are sunken, and I've noticed she has a lot of hair on her legs which I believe can be a symptom of eating disorders (growing extra bodily hair).
She is always in baggy clothes but I would easily put her at a UK size 4, and she's around 5'6.
Maybe it's just her natural build and there's nothing wrong with her, I am just concerned but not sure how to approach it or if it's any of my business. She is a really good person and I care for her as a friend. However I don't want to offend her of push her away.

OP posts:
WinteryWonderland · 24/11/2023 23:05

Maybe continue letting the friendship grow organically and if she wants to, maybe she will open up.
It's not really your place to approach it though. If it was a long standing close friend then yes, but an acquaintance/new friend, then no.

Startrekkeruniverse · 24/11/2023 23:09

AllAroundMyCat · 24/11/2023 20:57

Everyone says 'mind your own business.'

It's easier said than done.

I lost my best friend at school because she starved herself.

We were all told to leave her be and to not talk about it.

So we all pretended life was fine.

She kiilled herself. She thought no one cared.

I don't k ow what the answer is but pretending that there's not an issue is not answer.

I agree with this.

I’m afraid that turning a blind eye on this situation isn’t that right thing to do.

MabelEstherAllen · 24/11/2023 23:09

Going against the grain here, but when I had an eating disorder, I was immensely grateful when a colleague brought it up and asked if there was anything she could do to support me. None of my close friends or family wanted to talk about it and I was immensely isolated. It really meant the world that someone was prepared to swim alongside me.

penjil · 24/11/2023 23:10

If she had wanted to tell you about her eating disorder, she'd have told you.

If she had wanted to ask for help, she'd have asked you.

She's didn't and she didn't.

Move on.

mymidlife · 24/11/2023 23:11

www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/get-information-and-support/support-someone-else/worried-about-a-friend-or-family-member/

Let her know you're there for her. And some good advice in this link x

mymidlife · 24/11/2023 23:12

The gist is - always say something. I'm coming from years of experience here. You sound like a lovely caring person ❤️

EnidSpyton · 24/11/2023 23:13

It's lovely that you care for your friend, but I think you're jumping the gun here. You've only known her for a couple of months. This may just be her natural build.

If you'd known her for a year or so and had seen her become noticeably thinner over that time, or had witnessed worrying eating behaviours at work, I'd advise you doing something. However, you have absolutely no evidence at this stage that her build is due to any type of eating disorder or other health issue.

For now, just be a good friend, and watch and wait. If you notice her weight changing, or as you get to know her better, see behaviours that worry you, then you can readdress the situation.

Takethehintandfuckoff · 24/11/2023 23:18

I understand your concern OP and it’s coming from the right place, despite what all the mind your own business brigade are saying, but I’m sure she already knows. She might not be ready to face it yet, she might be in treatment for it already, but she will know.

if you really want to say something, and I don’t blame you if you do, I’d approach it very gently, once, don’t push it, and just say if you ever want to talk then I’m here. Leave the door open for her, that’s all you can do.

EnidSpyton · 24/11/2023 23:19

MabelEstherAllen · 24/11/2023 23:09

Going against the grain here, but when I had an eating disorder, I was immensely grateful when a colleague brought it up and asked if there was anything she could do to support me. None of my close friends or family wanted to talk about it and I was immensely isolated. It really meant the world that someone was prepared to swim alongside me.

But the thing is, the OP hasn't known her colleague for long enough to know whether she has an eating disorder, or is just naturally thin.

When I was in my twenties, I was always underweight. It was my natural build. I was 5'10 and a size 4-6 and I did look skeletal. I ate loads but couldn't put any weight on. I was very sensitive about it as I knew I didn't look healthy. I did have some well meaning colleagues mention it when I started a new job and it really upset me to think they thought I was intentionally starving myself. I know they meant well, but it just made me feel even worse about myself.

If there is evidence, then I would always say something. But the OP has no evidence - yet - to warrant saying anything.

Josette77 · 24/11/2023 23:20

No. I have an eating disorder. You knowing won't help her.

Startrekkeruniverse · 24/11/2023 23:26

Josette77 · 24/11/2023 23:20

No. I have an eating disorder. You knowing won't help her.

With respect, you don’t know that.

Maybe it’ll help her, maybe it won’t.

A poster above has said the exact opposite to you and that she was grateful when a colleague spoke to her about her eating disorder.

freetheunicorn1 · 24/11/2023 23:27

I am going to go against the grain here! I had a colleague that was already slim and lost even more weight quickly, she came quite obsessive with the gym and stopped joining us for lunch. I mentioned my concerns to my line manager who brought it up to our dept manager (my colleagues boss). He took our comments on board and said he would monitor the situation and approach her if need be. Before he got a chance another colleague very boldly shared her concerns in front out the two people I spoke to. Turns out she had personal problems and this was the jolt she needed to start looking after herself more.

Is there anyone you can talk to and see if it is just your concerns?

SunsetApple · 24/11/2023 23:28

I don’t think you can broach it with her. I’ve had an eating disorder myself and it was awful when people noticed or mentioned something. I was fully aware of it and what help I needed and was seeking in any case. For what it is worth, I did get better.

Bellyblueboy · 24/11/2023 23:37

andHelenknowsimmiserablenow · 24/11/2023 20:26

It's nice of you to be concerned OP.
I am shocked most people have said to mind your own business.
I had a new colleague once who was painfully thin and exhausted. Everyone thought they should mind their own business, turned out she had cancer.
Luckily when she finally went to the doctors they treated it in time.

But everyone was right. Is your arguments that this lady had not noticed that she was thin and exhausted and none of her family or friends had noticed either. That had a new colleague said ‘you are very thin and tired looking’ that would have triggered an earlier diagnosis? Seems unlikely.

In most workplaces we do not comment on our colleagues bodies. Lots of people choose to keep their medical issues private.

in this case it is likely OP’s colleague knows she is thin. She probably doesn’t want to share such personal issues with a colleague she has known for a short time.

Bellyblueboy · 24/11/2023 23:39

freetheunicorn1 · 24/11/2023 23:27

I am going to go against the grain here! I had a colleague that was already slim and lost even more weight quickly, she came quite obsessive with the gym and stopped joining us for lunch. I mentioned my concerns to my line manager who brought it up to our dept manager (my colleagues boss). He took our comments on board and said he would monitor the situation and approach her if need be. Before he got a chance another colleague very boldly shared her concerns in front out the two people I spoke to. Turns out she had personal problems and this was the jolt she needed to start looking after herself more.

Is there anyone you can talk to and see if it is just your concerns?

Where do you work? Seems odd to monitor employees weight like this?

ofcouse managers have a duty of care, but I have honestly never heard of concern about someone losing weigh and going to the gym at lunch time being escalated up through lines of management.

misslooloo · 24/11/2023 23:42

You sound like a lovely caring person, OP, and there’s nothing you can do right now other than be her friend. Listen. Don’t force a conversation. If she feels comfortable with you it will all come out in time, whether it’s the way she naturally is, a medical condition, an eating disorder… or whatever. x

Sugarfish · 24/11/2023 23:44

I think it’s really nice that you care and want to help, but even if you were to bring it up there wouldn’t be much you can do about it. She’s a grown adult and you can’t make her eat if she doesn’t want to. One of those you can’t help someone unless they want to help themselves situations.

Also like others have said she may have an illness she doesn’t want to talk about. Just be there for her if she ever chooses to open up.

Hanlonsamazer · 24/11/2023 23:56

Bellyblueboy · 24/11/2023 23:39

Where do you work? Seems odd to monitor employees weight like this?

ofcouse managers have a duty of care, but I have honestly never heard of concern about someone losing weigh and going to the gym at lunch time being escalated up through lines of management.

Show quote history

Agreed! If this happened, I’d certainly be having a chat with ACAS/union/solicitor. Totally inappropriate.

NewtonPulsifer · 25/11/2023 00:26

I agree with trying to grow the friendship organically. Maybe ask if she fancies a mooch around a garden centre or Christmas market or whatever you think she’d like so you’re not meeting for coffee or food.

Canisaysomething · 25/11/2023 01:18

As someone who’s had an eating disorder, it absolutely is your business. The people that mentioned it to me even though I denied it at the time are the ones I feel the most grateful for. The friends and family that ignored it and didn’t even mention it actually made me feel like it was a shameful secret that shouldn’t be talked about.

You sound like a lovely person, just keep asking how she is doing, and be there for her. Some of these posts suggesting that if you can’t do anything to fix it then don’t even mention it are pretty shocking. Mental illness doesn’t work like that at all.

WandaWonder · 25/11/2023 01:34

Being concerned is normal but you are making this about you, you cannot do anything even if there was something to worry about

You can be there for her that is all

Startrekkeruniverse · 25/11/2023 01:40

Canisaysomething · 25/11/2023 01:18

As someone who’s had an eating disorder, it absolutely is your business. The people that mentioned it to me even though I denied it at the time are the ones I feel the most grateful for. The friends and family that ignored it and didn’t even mention it actually made me feel like it was a shameful secret that shouldn’t be talked about.

You sound like a lovely person, just keep asking how she is doing, and be there for her. Some of these posts suggesting that if you can’t do anything to fix it then don’t even mention it are pretty shocking. Mental illness doesn’t work like that at all.

100% spot on

Nofilteritwonthelp · 25/11/2023 01:43

Canisaysomething · 25/11/2023 01:18

As someone who’s had an eating disorder, it absolutely is your business. The people that mentioned it to me even though I denied it at the time are the ones I feel the most grateful for. The friends and family that ignored it and didn’t even mention it actually made me feel like it was a shameful secret that shouldn’t be talked about.

You sound like a lovely person, just keep asking how she is doing, and be there for her. Some of these posts suggesting that if you can’t do anything to fix it then don’t even mention it are pretty shocking. Mental illness doesn’t work like that at all.

This is good, advice from someone who actually knows. I was going tonsay not to say anything until I read this post and what they're saying makes sense

Catpuss66 · 25/11/2023 01:59

I had a colleague who I hadn’t seen for a while ( I had been ILL) same sort of thing, her weight loss took me by surprise. I did approach her & asked if she was ok she said I was the only person to ask that she had an ongoing eating disorder. She went to the doctors & asked for help I used to text her to see if she was ok. Got really poorly myself & had to leave. From her she said this had been a lifelong problem I did inform my manager.

TrishyLou1111 · 25/11/2023 02:21

Hotdogstarfish · 24/11/2023 20:21

I think the comments are quite scathing here, I don't really think I'm unreasonable for being concerned. It's irrelevant the number of months tbh. As I've mentioned, I won't be saying anything.

I understand your concern.

If there was something wrong, give it time, and she may open up to you. Trust takes time. If you're gravely concerned, then approach her gently. If you're friends she won't be offended and will appreciate that you care.

Xx