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Original poster

Does your mother comment on your parenting?

91 replies

Canwehaveaminute · 16/11/2023 04:55

What does she say? Does she compliment you or undermine you?

My mum always seems to find some way to identify problems in my parenting, even if it's contradictory.

One month she will make comments about how I clearly never tell my children 'no', the next month will make a dig about how harsh I am with them.

She says I'm a very fussy parent, that I never let my children be bored (I do), and that I obsess over ever little thing. I actually think I'm just a very attentive parent and think things through carefully.

She tries to make out I'm neurotic when I know I'm just 'on it'.

I really enjoy being a mum to my young kids and actually think I'm a very loving, switched on and loving mum. I do a lot of research into child development as part of my job for a start, and apply that. Im also very loving, fun, comsistent and think im a very safe person for them. I do buy them nice things and good quality clothes/shoes.

I think childhood is very important to get right and my kids know I adore them and feel safe with me. People comment on what I good mum I am, and my kids are very happy and thriving. So, while I'm definitely not perfect, I take the role seriously. I'm only saying this to set the context that I do my best, but my mum makes out I'm some kind of martyr and indulge my kids too much. I really don't think this is the case. I think I have the right balance and we are all happy!

I just dont understand why, when I think that parenting is one of my strengths (my husband also agrees I'm a great mum), why my mum never makes any comments except to criticise?

I don't know if this is normal. What is your experience, either as the daughter or maybe a grandmother?

OP posts:
justanothermanicmonday1 · 16/11/2023 05:27

Oh yes my mum loves to make the odd comment dig.

Example

"Oh your DC is so spoiled, she wouldn't let me put her down for 5 minutes"

My response "that's so strange, she's only 4 months old so at this stage she does like to be held and have contact naps. Putting her down for 5 minutes whilst you make a coffee won't hurt her" I also explained how this stage babies are more clinger than usual.

"Oh your cousin is always out and about doing things with her two small children, how fantastic and productive"

My response " well yeah, she is out being productive which is amazing. But she also has a husband who works away, is a single mother majority of the time with two toddlers and it's like Groundhog Day, keeping them out the house and doing activities is a given" I also explained how I have a small baby and a toddler so we're just in a different phase of life and our lives shouldn't be compared.

Any time my mum tries to undermine me or my parenting skills, I clap back at her immediately as I won't allow it.

thelonemommabear · 16/11/2023 05:35

God yes 😂 she can't help herself - there is always some passive aggressive thinly veiled criticism made - I just ignore them now!

AHeadForHeights · 16/11/2023 05:48

No not really at all. She lets us all get on with it and will give her advice if we need it. Same with dh's mum.

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Oxomoco · 16/11/2023 05:58

You seem very keen on having your parenting complimented — why, if you are sure you are doing an adequate job? I don’t think my mother has ever commented either way on mine. Both because our lives couldn’t be more different (she was a SAHM to a huge family, in poverty, I’ve always worked in a demanding professional job and have one child by choice) and because I assume it’s obvious I’m making very different choices to her about how I relate to DS.

Searchingforsunshine · 16/11/2023 06:00

My mother says the same to me about not letting kids be bored. When I visited in September she also told me that I feed them too many vegetables...she was making sausage and homemade chips for dinner and I asked her to put some broccoli and cauliflower with it.

Original poster
Canwehaveaminute · 16/11/2023 06:05

Oxomoco · 16/11/2023 05:58

You seem very keen on having your parenting complimented — why, if you are sure you are doing an adequate job? I don’t think my mother has ever commented either way on mine. Both because our lives couldn’t be more different (she was a SAHM to a huge family, in poverty, I’ve always worked in a demanding professional job and have one child by choice) and because I assume it’s obvious I’m making very different choices to her about how I relate to DS.

I'm not.

I just don't understand why she keeps finding every excuse to be critical.

OP posts:
Mummaluma · 16/11/2023 06:14

My Mum's too busy commenting on my northern and his ex wife's..interesting parenting.

LovelaceBiggWither · 16/11/2023 06:19

My mother is very complimentary about how we parent. She's always telling me what a great job I do.

My MIL on the other hand...

Justanothermanicfunday · 16/11/2023 06:22

My DM has only ever complimented my Parenting, but very very very rarely! She wasn't the best growing up and I sometimes feel my parenting makes her realise the things she should have been doing!

User0311 · 16/11/2023 06:24

Always! And it's never positive. Yet I'm a better parent than she ever was

PurBal · 16/11/2023 06:41

Yes. And she calls me “mean mummy” when I put boundaries in. Eg no drinking milk out of an open up on our new sofa (water only in the living room because he’s 2) despite us having the exact same rule growing up. And she’ll say “don’t be silly mummy, of course he can have some milk”.

ChilliPanda · 16/11/2023 06:49

My mum used to tell my I cuddled my son too much and shouldn't sit him on my knee ( age 3-5) obvs now he's 19 he doesn't fit but😅

EveWinter · 16/11/2023 06:50

Yes, I want to say ‘Mum, fgs you have no idea about my life as a single parent to an autistic child with a toxic ex’.

Instead I have learnt to say ‘that isn’t what I choose/want/think it is appropriate to do mum’

Maryandherlamb · 16/11/2023 07:02

She tends to comment negatively on the things I do differently to her. I think she sees it as an insult to her parenting that I've chosen a different approach. Things such as weaning onto solids, not keeping the kids up late, breast feeding.

BertieBotts · 16/11/2023 07:08

My mum is supportive in the main, but there have been stages where she will make suggestions that I start to get irritated with because they're the most basic obvious thing ever. I know that she means well though and what she's saying to me wasn't the obvious normal thing to do when I was a child, so she thinks that it's unusual rare advice. In general I tend to agree with or have already tried what she's suggesting.

I got very frustrated when DC1 was under 1 year old because she seemed to comment on everything but now I have more experience I do think she was mainly being curious or it was hitting a nostalgia button for her and she wanted to share that experience of being a mum.

CountryShepherd · 16/11/2023 07:28

No, my DM is in her 80's and she's only ever been complimentary about my parenting.

ohfook · 16/11/2023 07:28

Maryandherlamb · 16/11/2023 07:02

She tends to comment negatively on the things I do differently to her. I think she sees it as an insult to her parenting that I've chosen a different approach. Things such as weaning onto solids, not keeping the kids up late, breast feeding.

This. Mine definitely takes things done differently as a personal insult and takes the advice given 40 years ago as gospel and anything otherwise as nonsense.

Familiaritybreedscontemptso · 16/11/2023 07:33

Only ever positively. Even when I know there were things that were very different from her experiences eg BLW she just asked interested but not loaded questions and went away and found out more about it herself.

My MIL too. Also only ever offered advice when asked, very supportive and willing to cheerlead in the background.

I’m very lucky.

Yummymummy2020 · 16/11/2023 07:49

I wonder is your mum feeling you are doing a better job than she did. Often these digs come from insecurities. It sounds like you are a lovely mum, and I think a lot of past generations also have regrets from how things were done back then compared to now. I guess people did their best back then too, but I know also that my mum wasn’t great to me many a time, and I always said when I have kids I won’t be anything like her to mine. Of course I’m not suggesting your mum was abusive to you, but I do think some people feel threatened when they see someone doing a better job than perhaps they did, especially if you have a great bond with your kids and they clearly adore you!

Bbq1 · 16/11/2023 08:07

My mum is a wonderful mum - loving, kind, selfless, my best friend. I guess i learnt how to be a parent from my lovely mum and dad. She has only ever commented positively to say she thinks that i am a great mum.

Hibernatalie · 16/11/2023 12:49

Mum, no - only to tell me how great my kids are and what a great job I'm doing.

MiL - yes. We recently discovered she'd told her friends that I refuse to do my daughter's hair so DH has had to learn how to do plaits so he can do it. Absolute fabrication.

NotesBod · 16/11/2023 12:55

No, can't think of any comments at all really.

How was your mother's parenting of you @Canwehaveaminute ? I wonder if she is critical looking back of how she was as a parent and this is her [not great] way of soothing those thoughts? It doesn't exactly sound like she is nailing parenting an adult child now by being supportive...

Iheartpizza · 16/11/2023 13:05

Yes mine is very opinionated and likes to have a say in everything.

The irony of course, is that she was not exactly a stellar parent herself. This makes her comments and critiques even harder to bear.

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 16/11/2023 13:07

Possibly why I haven't seen her since 2012..

MarleyandMarleyWoo · 16/11/2023 13:09

My mother and I have had a somewhat tricky past, and she’s been a very difficult, judgemental woman towards me and my decisions in the past but since having my son, she’s actually been nothing but supportive and complimentary. She doesn’t offer advice unless directly asked and even then she’s careful not to be critical, and offers suggestions carefully. I can only assume our massive bust ups in the past have finally got through.

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