Does your mother comment on your parenting?

[Canwehaveaminute]

What does she say? Does she compliment you or undermine you?

My mum always seems to find some way to identify problems in my parenting, even if it's contradictory.

One month she will make comments about how I clearly never tell my children 'no', the next month will make a dig about how harsh I am with them.

She says I'm a very fussy parent, that I never let my children be bored (I do), and that I obsess over ever little thing. I actually think I'm just a very attentive parent and think things through carefully.

She tries to make out I'm neurotic when I know I'm just 'on it'.

I really enjoy being a mum to my young kids and actually think I'm a very loving, switched on and loving mum. I do a lot of research into child development as part of my job for a start, and apply that. Im also very loving, fun, comsistent and think im a very safe person for them. I do buy them nice things and good quality clothes/shoes.

I think childhood is very important to get right and my kids know I adore them and feel safe with me. People comment on what I good mum I am, and my kids are very happy and thriving. So, while I'm definitely not perfect, I take the role seriously. I'm only saying this to set the context that I do my best, but my mum makes out I'm some kind of martyr and indulge my kids too much. I really don't think this is the case. I think I have the right balance and we are all happy!

I just dont understand why, when I think that parenting is one of my strengths (my husband also agrees I'm a great mum), why my mum never makes any comments except to criticise?

I don't know if this is normal. What is your experience, either as the daughter or maybe a grandmother?

All the time! Apparently my DB is an amazing parent!

Many a time i have done this and she still carries on. She just wont listen. She does it to my sister too!

I've told her she's lucky she didn't have sons cos no DIL would put up with it!

She used to, then I went NC a couple of years ago and now I don't have to put up with it!

My late DM made it her life's work to tell me what a crap parent I was and how spoilt my children were (I cuddled them and told them I loved them!!!). She slowed it down just a tiny bit when I pointed out who my role model was but kept it up till she was literally on her deathbed.

My Mother loves to criticise me. If there’s any reason she can find to be mean, she’ll find it. I take it on the chin nowadays but did used to get really upset by it.

I saw her at the weekend because she came down to see DS parade with cadets for Remembrance Sunday. She said “I like your shoes but they look like they’re too heavy for you to carry around, you’re so skinny you look like you might snap”. I’m 5 ft 7 and a size 10, I’m definitely not that skinny. This was the first time I had seen her in about 4 months fwiw.

Past things have included her finding dust on the skirting boards and having a go at me and opening the microwave to insult me for having food splashes on the inside of it.

My mum only ever commented on my parenting once and that was to say she wished she'd done it like that. I remember her as a good parent, but we were smacked when we were young and she deeply regretted it.

My MIL tried to comment, but I told her cheerily that these were different times and she got the message.

My mother never has anything good to say about my parenting. One time a neighbour commented that I was a good mum and I nearly fell out of my seat in shock because it had never occurred to me that anyone might think I was doing a decent job 🤣

Yep! One of my children has special needs and we have to parent accordingly, which is very different to her experience of parenting. It makes us a very easy target for hurtful comments from my mother.

Luckily I'm very confident that I'm doing the best possible job for my child, but it still hurts to be constantly criticised by my mother who doesn't understand the special needs.

Not openly negative comments but I definitely get the feeling she thinks my
sons are badly behaved and that I’m not strict enough with them.

My sons are 6 and 4 and like most little boys can wind each other up and be silly / start fights with each other. She will sort of side eye me when she thinks they are being overly loud or rough with each other and raise her eyebrows if I don’t step in, even if they aren’t doing much wrong.

My mum had big age gaps between all of us and all girls so the dynamic is just different. I can tell she thinks if I parented differently my children would behave better.

It’s annoying because my parents were very authoritarian in their parenting. We were smacked a lot, didn’t talk back and wouldn’t dare to put a foot wrong. They were complimented often on how well behaved we were but we were quite unhappy, anxious children and I don’t want that for my children.

My MIL on the other hand is nothing but complimentary about my parenting. She had 2 little boys with a similar age gap so she knows how they can be and tells me often how well she thinks I am doing with them.

Interestingly, my mum comments on every aspect of my life apart from my parenting. I'm taking that as a win 😆

Defensiveness? I think critical people are often insecure- probably feels like you’re showing her up, so has to justify it to herself by making out that you are doing it wrong ( and she did it the right way)

My mum is always complimentary. She was a wonderful mum ( better than me), but always compliments me on how active I am with my kids ( she had a more ‘80’s approach- loving, but hands off/sent us out to play in the cul de sac with other kids)

I think it’s because she was a great mum she doesn’t have to justify her decisions.

Yes she did make comments very few positive ones ,mostly critical .
everything from using a car seat ( cannot be comfortable for baby they ought to be lying flat in a carry cot 🙄) to how my oldest was spoiled ( absolutely not )

Mostly she compliments me… but praise is not always a good thing. It’s a way of keeping me in line: always has been. WhenI was young she praised my academic ability, my ‘being so sensible’, my ‘not being distracted by boys when the school to focus on’ etc etc. I read Unconditional Parenting a while ago and it really opened my eyes to the negative, manipulative aspect of using praise. I really try to avoid overtly praising my children, I try to take a step back, encourage, but ultimately let them know it’s up to them and I’ll love them whatever.

Mine was obsessed with baby rice and wouldn't listen to any reason about it being as nutritious as cardboard. I held firm. She also disapproved of me breastfeeding.

I'm Granny, I never criticise dd largely because there is nothing to criticise she is a wonderful mum to dgs and where I might do something differently, well it's not my choice to make and it most likely wouldn't work for dd and tbh times have changed from when I was parenting a four year old. I would hate that dd felt I was judging her or undermining her. As it is I tell her regularly what a brilliant mum she is and how lucky dgs is to have her and what a good job she is doing raising dgs as he is a lovely little boy.

Wow lots of interesting replies!

My mum thinks she is an absolute baby expert but she only had one and I have 3. She is very old school in her views and took it quite personally that I breastfed and she didn't. I always tried to put my kids into a routine once they were ready and she thought I was being neurotic not letting them sleep past a certain time in the day. She actually said she'd never heard of 'this routine thing' as if it was some kind of fad I read about.

She absolutely HATED when I tried to give them fruit and gets really annoyed when I give them water to drink. Like it really seems to bother her!

I can see that sometimes she is trying to bite her tongue, so she does try to be restrained. So its either strained, obvious tongue biting or actual comments.

At the beginning with my first child she would tease him and I told her to stop. She actually fell out with me and told me I was far too fussy and needed to get a grip. It turned into an absolutely massive row and got very, very nasty, with her sending text messages saying 'do you think you're the only person who has ever raised a child!' She didn't seem to like that I didn't take the teasing well and stood up for my child, who was 2 at the time.

She didn't tease my son any more, but made a comment that 'it's obvious he doesn't hear the word no'. This really annoyed me and I absolutely do tell my kids no and am very much 'firm but fair'. My child was just being a 2 year old! I stood up for myself and she said 'nobody can dare say anything to you about anything, you're so over sensitive about everything! Touched a nerve, have we!???'

I'm low contact but spend the weekend with her and mentioned that I thought my eldest might be dyslexic and wanted to make an appintment with the teacher about it. She rolled her eyes hard and said 'here we go again! The obsessing continues!'.

My childhood was OK. She thought she was a great mother but she did and said things that I wouldn't do with my kids. She thinks I'm gussy but I think she could have fussed a bit more.

My dad keeps saying 'You cater to their every need' in a really nice, complimentary way. I was telling him something about something I'd done for one of my kids and he said 'of course you did!' with such a look of pride, like he knows I'm a Good mum.

She would just never say 'you're doing a great job'.

She's threatened by your success. It took my daughters to teach me that woman empowering women will always win over women destroying women. We 'grey rock' my mum's negativity now. I'm the one who's broke the cycle.

Mine daren't. She was shit and has no business trying to tell me anything.

My mother really does believe that my children aren't really allowed to live because I don't allow them to eat cakes, candy and other snacks all day like she allowed me and my siblings to do. I'm honestly not that caught up on her opinion.

We just have to agree to disagree on some things.

I have the advantage of understanding why she parented us the way she did and I am confident that I do not want to parent in that exact same way.

I feel ok with that.

My mum doesn’t comment on my parenting. Long story. I’m 38 and my mum returned to her career full time at either 3 or 8 weeks after each pregnancy - I say my age because of mat leave rules back then etc. essentially since my brother was 9 months and I was 4.5 years old. My aunt provided full time childcare and did the housework. I’m really close to my mum as an adult but understandably close to my aunt.

my aunt comments on my parenting. I roll my eyes and she stops. It doesn’t upset me. She means well. Then I remind her of something stupid she did with us / her kids. She laughs and says ok ok.

I guess it depends on your mums intentions and how it makes you feel. If it makes you feel bad then you should ask her to stop.

Both my mum and MIL have only ever been supportive.

We do have similar views though.

No my mum hasn’t made any comments on my parenting.
MIL tried once and that was nipped in the bud very quickly.

My mum has commented factually on my dcs behaviour (good and bad and more often than not as a response of me saying ‘oh dc1 is …..’ . Which I would expect tbh.

My Mum just died. I'm not a mother but my Mum spent her entire life doing exactly what you described about other areas of my life. In her final days, i hoped she would say something positive but she didn't. It hurt. A lot. My sister says she did love me and was proud of me but she just never found the words to day so. Sounds like your Mum is the same! Perhaps its just mother's???? You can try speaking to her (I never did, in the end it was just too hard as she was dying). Give it a go before then. And don't be the same with your kids.

You sounds like an amazing mom, OP, and unfortunately your mum doesn’t sound very nice. Keep on doing what you’re doing, and keep on making your kids happy, nothing else matters 💐

My Mum never commented, but her actions showed she ‘approved’ of what I was doing. DMIL, who is wonderful and I love her dearly, would comment about DD having a dummy. Tbf, she was 2 and really wanted it a lot, looking back and listening to her try to talk with it in her mouth makes me cringe. She was 100% right, the dummy was affecting her speech development. She helped me step up and get rid of the dummy.