Does your mother comment on your parenting?

[Canwehaveaminute]

What does she say? Does she compliment you or undermine you?

My mum always seems to find some way to identify problems in my parenting, even if it's contradictory.

One month she will make comments about how I clearly never tell my children 'no', the next month will make a dig about how harsh I am with them.

She says I'm a very fussy parent, that I never let my children be bored (I do), and that I obsess over ever little thing. I actually think I'm just a very attentive parent and think things through carefully.

She tries to make out I'm neurotic when I know I'm just 'on it'.

I really enjoy being a mum to my young kids and actually think I'm a very loving, switched on and loving mum. I do a lot of research into child development as part of my job for a start, and apply that. Im also very loving, fun, comsistent and think im a very safe person for them. I do buy them nice things and good quality clothes/shoes.

I think childhood is very important to get right and my kids know I adore them and feel safe with me. People comment on what I good mum I am, and my kids are very happy and thriving. So, while I'm definitely not perfect, I take the role seriously. I'm only saying this to set the context that I do my best, but my mum makes out I'm some kind of martyr and indulge my kids too much. I really don't think this is the case. I think I have the right balance and we are all happy!

I just dont understand why, when I think that parenting is one of my strengths (my husband also agrees I'm a great mum), why my mum never makes any comments except to criticise?

I don't know if this is normal. What is your experience, either as the daughter or maybe a grandmother?

No my mum doesn't comment negatively on my parenting. She praises me and says I'm doing a fantastic job.

However - and this is weird and I don't understand why she does this (because she didn't do it to me when I was little) - she often winds up my two DDs... antagonising them almost. Why ?!? I don't understand it. I've had to tell her firmly "stop winding DD up!" when for example, she's openly mimicking my DD moaning or crying and egging on the situation in a "jokey" way. What's that all about ?

Hahaha yes and good for her! She's getting her own back for all the times I gave her helpful feedback on her parenting skills when she was parenting me! So far though she hasn't slammed any doors or told me she wishes I was dead.

This is because she thinks your DC's take themselves too seriously isn't it?

I Really don't know. Once when my son was 2 he wandered into a room in front of us and she closed the door behind him and, laughing, said 'let's see what he'll do!'. I said no we're not doing that! and opened the door. I remember thinking she was actually crazy and that was proof.

She was angry with me that day, for putting my son above her again. I don't think she likes that I love my kids more than I love her, the more I think about it.

You're very lucky @maddiemookins16mum I have a horrible MIL who screams when I say I don't want to give my kid the dummy, it's causing nipple confusion and not helping with getting her back to the breast. She wants to prove I'm wrong at any cost, tells me off for not giving her the dummy and tries to control everything I do/don't do. She defends the other DIL who said the dummy is so useful, she doesn't respect the fact that I am not her and my views/situation may be different. In short, I have a nasty MIL who has made things so much harder for me and criticized my way of parenting at every step.

Do you live together?

She was visiting, stayed with us for 2 months @Canwehaveaminute She lives abroad and intends to come here for half the year, each year. She teaches my baby all the wrong things and tells her 'your mom is dumb' 'you're my kid not your mom's ', 'let's gossip ' and much more. I've asked my husband to have a strict word with her, won't be taking her crap ever again.

As a mum and grandma I think the most important thing is to learn to keep quiet. Anything you do say has to qualify as being supportive. If it's not don't say anything. However precious they are they are Not your children.

I'm a grandmother, and I knew right from the start that the most important bit is to keep your mouth shut!
There are some things I don't like about my children's parenting, but I've had my chance and now it's theirs.

I could have written this! Exactly the same, I don’t think she knows she’s doing it which makes it all the more infuriating

Our parents are quite elderly meaning they provide us with literally no support whatsoever. I think they presume as we're both 40+ we don't need any assistance. They provide no childcare and never have done. They have never done so much as cook us a meal even when I had just given birth and my DH had to go away on business. Despite this they expect us to take our DC to see them on a regular basis. They wouldn't dream of coming round to our house. DH resents them. I try and act as peace maker but my patience is wearing thin.

When I hear of others who appear to have doting grandparents offering unlimited support and childcare it is hard not to feel a little envy.

YESS OP!! My mum is similar.

eg she said I’m worried DC1s clothes are all a size too big and that’s why he doesn’t want to wear his new trousers/ top etc. and I’m like yes but last week you told me that all his clothes were looking too small on him and he needed new clothes?

she says I’m worried DC1 is too cold, you need to make him wear a coat. I said it’s 16 degrees today? She said it’s cold. So I try to put a coat on him and she says leave him alone he’s fine without a coat today!

any time he whinges she said he’s tired and needs a nap even at 9am and it’s my fault because he hasn’t slept enough?! But also he hasn’t napped in the day for almost a year and when I point this out she just ignores me. On the occasion he does nap he won’t go to bed til 10pm but she wants him to go to bed at 7pm even if he’s not tired. Again my fault.

it’s madness she can find fault with my parenting all the time!

I'm sorry your mum isn't supportive of your parenting. You must bring up your children in the way that is right for you & your partner.
I think my daughter is doing a fab job as a mum & I tell her regularly. From the minute she brought him home from hospital she has been amazing in her parenting & supporting his development & well being. I would only interfere if I felt he was at risk & I can't imagine such a situation.
I remember that he is her baby, not mine . When I baby sit I follow her rules & respect her wishes & I get to do lots of fun stuff with him.
We have a good relationship & I'm grateful for the part I get to play in his life.

I'm so lucky that my Mum was never like this. She adores my kids and has never once criticised mine or my husbands parenting or any decisions we have ever made. My parents have been very involved in our lives and have always been 100% supportive. My kids are 15 and 19 now and still love hanging out with my parents regularly. Parenting was made so much easier for us by having them around and onside and made me feel so suppoted, especially in the early days when hubby worked away a lot.
I have a friend whose mother constantly criticises her and makes passive aggressive remarks, it's caused a big rift in their relationship and I can see the hurt it causes her. When one of her kids reaches a milestone or does something lovely she wants to share it with her Mum but her mother either scoffs at what she tells her or compares the children to her other grandchildren in a negative way. It's horrible to hear my friend so upset.

Yes, my daughter's 15 and I was told off by my mum for going out one evening and leaving her on her own for 3hrs. She asked when I'd be back and when I said, it's none of your business she said, it is my business as her grandmother I have a right to know, and I can't bear the thought of her being lonely and upset! Daughter loves having house to self with our dog and watching whatever she likes on TV without me nagging to do homework! But mother thinks it's child neglect. Has always criticised my parenting and many other aspects of my life, giving her unsolicited opinions.

Abso fucking lutely