Does your mother comment on your parenting?

[Canwehaveaminute]

What does she say? Does she compliment you or undermine you?

My mum always seems to find some way to identify problems in my parenting, even if it's contradictory.

One month she will make comments about how I clearly never tell my children 'no', the next month will make a dig about how harsh I am with them.

She says I'm a very fussy parent, that I never let my children be bored (I do), and that I obsess over ever little thing. I actually think I'm just a very attentive parent and think things through carefully.

She tries to make out I'm neurotic when I know I'm just 'on it'.

I really enjoy being a mum to my young kids and actually think I'm a very loving, switched on and loving mum. I do a lot of research into child development as part of my job for a start, and apply that. Im also very loving, fun, comsistent and think im a very safe person for them. I do buy them nice things and good quality clothes/shoes.

I think childhood is very important to get right and my kids know I adore them and feel safe with me. People comment on what I good mum I am, and my kids are very happy and thriving. So, while I'm definitely not perfect, I take the role seriously. I'm only saying this to set the context that I do my best, but my mum makes out I'm some kind of martyr and indulge my kids too much. I really don't think this is the case. I think I have the right balance and we are all happy!

I just dont understand why, when I think that parenting is one of my strengths (my husband also agrees I'm a great mum), why my mum never makes any comments except to criticise?

I don't know if this is normal. What is your experience, either as the daughter or maybe a grandmother?

She's mostly supportive but does has her criticisms. As a FTM, I very much had the impression in the early days that she thought I listened far too much to what the midwives, nursing staff and health visitor had to say compared to her and her experiences of having raised 4 kids.

My MIL is the same but possibly more critical? I get the impression that she thinks I'm too clingy, possibly too involved in DS and should be happier to leave him with others (but what she means is her). Bare in mind she lives 3hours away and she has suggested the last time DS was ill that we send him to her and she'll look after him til he's well again. He's 18months old.

She was sometimes a bit snippy when DS1 was small but has chilled out completely. DSis did ring me to apologise after her eldest was born as she hadn’t believed that DM would be difficult! Once past the toddler stage she’s been nothing but supportive. I think both DSis and I reminded her several times that she had a FT live in nanny (and worked herself) and that such a thing was now a luxury beyond our pay scales and therefore she was being rather judgemental!

DMIL is nothing but delightful about all the parenting in her family.

Well I totally feel your pain. I was criticised my whole life by my mother ….. and it got worse when I was a parent too. Especially if my kids give me attitude or misbehaving etc …. I never could do right for doing wrong…… I was an only child too. She was very old fashioned. I would stand up to her at times but then I’d get the silent treatment…… Always felt she was so harsh on me because it was just me… so much so that I left home at 18….. couldn’t cope with her any longer….. never to this day will I know why….. we were never close ever … she died suddenly last year … so I’ll never know why she was so like that with me….. so many unanswered questions…. I’m almost 50. My dad however is the opposite and devastated and lost without her …. I’m just numb …..

My Ex-PiLs are like this about my ExH's parenting. I think they do it because they have to undermine other people in order to feel better about themselves. It's probably similar with your mum OP. ExH just walks away/hangs up the phone on them as soon as they start it now, which at least stops his self-confidence in parenting from being crushed.

My mum has never ever said anything critical about my parenting. Occasionally she'll say how lucky my children are to have such a caring mum, which is nice.

Mine is lovely and supportive when her first grandchild born I was at my wits end as she screamed all night and just wouldn’t sleep. We were all amazing sleepers apparently so mum came to stay to help us “sort it all out”. By night 3 she admitted defeat and went home again!

Most of these are so sad. My mum does comment but only ever positively. Tells me how great the kids are, how well I’m doing, reassures me if I’m ever fretting over things. When they were babies and I was sleep deprived she’d drive over just to hold them for a couple of hours and tell me what a good mum I was. Occasionally I can tell she’s biting her lip on something but she only ever gives advice when I ask for it. She’s my biggest supporter always.

Gosh yes but my children are autistic (one very severe one high functioning) and she always says it's rubbish because they didn't have that when she was young!
I just let it go in one ear out the other to be honest but I won't ever leave the children with her because she just doesn't understand their needs 🤷‍♀️

She sees your different g parenting as critiquing hers. I love my mother but try my hardest to do the opposite of her parenting. I felt kids were just something adults were lumbered with and tolerated and had to follow the adults rules until you could escape. Not that people chose to have kids! That was mind blowing to me when I chose to have kids

Oh yes, my mum did it all the time.

She made out that she was the perfect parent as we (my sister and I) slept in our own bed from 2 minutes old/slept all night/ate what we were given/never answered back, plus she listened to her mum when told how to parent, so we should have to too (not google every little thing or have our own opinions on anything).

Looking back, it was out of love for me in a warped way. She had it easy parenting us so she wanted to make it as easy for me. She didn't really understand that "most" of the time I enjoyed co-sleeping/holding my baby etc but the few times I'd vent, she took to mean I didn't want to do it at all.

(She passed away in June - 11 weeks after a lung cancer diagnosis, and I'd give anything to have her back - unsolicited advice/judgy comments and all)

My mum only ever says positive things. Never undermines me and always asks before doing things she's unsure of.

I can't talk to my MIL anymore because of the cruel things she's said to me about my parenting.

Not my mom but my MIL, she likes to pass comments, belittle me and criticize every little thing I do. I'm a first time mom and would give a bath to my baby very slowly, trying to be careful that I wasn't putting too much pressure, splashing water with force etc. she would ask me to hurry me and tell me that I was dumb and didn't know a thing. She has constantly interfered in my parenting and ruined my breastfeeding journey. My baby would cry after having breast milk, so she would come running and take her away, every single time. She kept insisting I express and bottle feed so I know how much she's having exactly. I did that and my supply dwindled and she refused to latch on the breast again. Similarly, she has done stupid things such as exercising her authority and saying make her wear this (pointing out at a particular outfit) and when I've told her it's for a 3 month old baby, she has immediately snapped back and said it means upto 3 months so anytime between 0-3. I insisted it wasn't but it always had to be her way or the highway. We made her wear the outfit and she was floating in it. MIL realized she'd been foolish but didn't bother apologizing for her poor behaviour.

She's done lots more, puts me down infront of guests by telling them I have zero experience with kids. WTF am I supposed to know how to handle kids if I'm a FTM?

She loves dragging me down and making me feel like absolute shit. Her son, DH, makes loads of silly mistakes too, he'll make her wear the socks wrong or do something stupid unintentionally but she won't say a word to him. She has a hawk's eye when it comes to my mistakes but her son is perfect, in her own words.

Shameless old woman, my bad luck.

Haha I had the same situation! Except that my mum only lasted 30 mins with him screaming at her 🤣

My mum too, she said she only remembered screaming when I was a baby and was surprised how content my DC were as babies, in comparison. I was premature and bottle fed and she stuck to every 4 hours as that's what she was advised, she was interested that breastfeeding on demand was a thing.

I often asked her for advice or reassurance as a new parent even though I found things that worked for me. She disapproved that I went on holiday without my DC when they were little (DH and in laws were at home)
She died when my DC were 1 and 4 so most of my parenting has been without any input

I am a grandparent.I would never critisise my child's parenting. I don't agree with everything they do but actually I think they are much better parents than we were.
No one is perfect but being a parent is hard enough anyway without being undermined.
I'm sorry your mother is critical OP have you ever challenged her or pointed out her contradictions?

@EveWinter that is also my exact life. DD was only diagnosed in february and so much has fallen into place for me about her behaviours and thinking.
DM used to make veiled comments about my parenting and about DD. She doesn't anymore since I came down on her like a ton of bricks and no longer take any crap.

Yes she comments positively that I've done so well with my toddlers diet and he's so good to eat everything - my sister's and I were fussy eaters and still are so that's probably why she's so impressed by what he eats. Not something I really take credit for though, he just takes after his dad.

She also puts his good speech down to me reading to him so often, always comments on how well he's dressed, how great his sleep schedule is or how well behaved he is (he's really not that well behaved).

Honestly she gives me way too much credit.

OP firstly I just want to say I’m sure you’re an amazing parent and in all honesty, even if you’re not then you deserve a parent who supports and encourages you

That being said, I can 100% relate to your experience. I get on well with my mum, she’s always there if we need help and also helps in her own way. I know I’m a good parent and I’m sure if asked she’d say the same

HOWEVER, I can’t think of a single time in the past 3+ years since my eldest was born that she’s complimented my parenting and I often find she makes comments that are critical or undermining

I’m quite a relaxed mum but I always find, if there’s something I’m relaxed about, she will imply I should do more… if I’m stressed about something she’ll tell me to relax and that it’s not important.

Often I don’t think she even notices she does it and have just learnt to accept it’s part of her being as flawed as every other person out there!

But at the same time, sometimes a pat on the back and verbal encouragement or praise would be great!

She wouldn’t fucking dare.

My mum and I have an amazing relationship so I was surprised when I had my DD with some irritating and unnecessary comments that came from my Mum. After a few weeks I had a real go at her (not something we do) told her in no uncertain terms she was undermining me, making me feel judged, questioning my ability as a Mum and it wasn’t welcome. She was taken aback, we spent that walk in silence but she apologised and had no idea she would make me feel that way, she explained she just loved my DD so much and voiced anything and everything she basically would do but gets that I’m not the same. I apologised for shouting at her. And she has never said something similar since. DD is now 3.
My point is, very firmly tell your Mum how she is making you feel and make it clear you are completely content with how you parent so you don’t need nor want her input in this way.

No, my mum and MIL dont really comment. My mum made one comment once when i was being a bit melodramatic disciplining my child, because I was over tired. It was along the lines of 'there's only one person making a fuss now, everyone else has moved on'

It was a fair comment.

Not to my face 🤣 I can see her thinking it though.

This. My thoughts exactly. Your mum may not be aware of this though - i.e. it may not be a conscious or deliberate thing, just an in-built response to her own insecurities. It isn't nice for you though either way.

I'd suggest rising above it and carrying on doing what you're doing! She may eventually stop as it will become clear that you're confident and happy, as are the kids, as is your husband, and her comments are having zero effect!

Wait wait wait, I forget she compliments me all the time on losing the baby weight. It just took a nice dose of PPD and then gallbladder issues for her to be proud of me 🤣

My mum criticises my parenting ALL. THE. TIME. There is nothing I can do right and she even contradicts herself on it.

Previously Id said DD was doing x, y and z. She said "oh you shouldn't let her do that, it's dangerous/daft/pointless/not what girls do or whatever"

Then the next week I wanted to see what she'd say, so told her "I've decided that DD shouldn't do that thing" then she said "you're holding her back".

And it's the same with everything. Whatever is happening with the kids, according to her it shouldn't be and I should be doing something else.

Then if I do something else, thats wrong too. So now she is blocked on whasapp 90odd% of the time.

My MiL is a totally different story and never comments except for positively. She also only gives an opinion if asked and delivers it diplomatically whatever the situation.

My mum has only ever made positive comments about my parenting. If she thinks that I'm doing stuff wrong, she certainly never lets on, but she often tells me what a great job she thinks I'm doing.

She never offers advice, unless I specifically ask for it, but she and my dad are always willing to help if they can, and bend over backwards to do so.

They're the model grandparents in many ways. I will try to be like them if and when my own dd decides to have kids.