Anyone else seen as kind of out of time, childlike etc?

[colemanjin]

I am mid 40's and I feel like I have never fitted in anywhere, I think that people like me well enough and at times I've even been considered popular but always kind of odd. At school I never fitted into any group, I was friendly with everyone but not close to anyone at school in particular kind of a loner.

At university I did have friends but still didn't ever seem to fit in with a group I didn't get a place in halls and the people in halls all seemed to socialise together and everyone else was from the city where the university was so they all had their own friendship groups already. I ended up living with a family for a year as a lodger then living in random flats with much older people until my final year when I girl on another course offered me a room in her flat but I was so busy with my studies and by then their friendship groups were forged and then when I left university I went back to my home town.

I have had boyfriends from my mid teens but the majority of them seemed to find me kind of uncool and unsophisticated even if they found me attractive and some would even try to change how I dressed or acted to make me more suitable. It has been from men I'd heard things like I am whimsical, childlike, innocent etc. I don't really know why. I don't drink although I did in my mid teens experiment with alcohol before giving it up entirely at 18. I've been to clubs, taken pills, had a few one night stands, lived abroad on my own, I have a masters degree all quite adult things if not always wise and yet I still get seen as something I am not sure I am. I think it is possibly the not drinking, I am not really into going out to pubs and clubs never have although I experimented with it all just to try it I just didn't enjoy it much. I know I went out with guys though that felt frustrated that their girlfriend was such a weirdo.

I am married now and my mil really took to me because I wasn't "corrupted" by the badness in the world (she is lovely but quite religious) its like a vibe I give off and for some people they like it but I feel like other people see me as something I am not.

Some of the women I know will call me up to go out for tea and cake or to the ballet but they don't invite me to parties and while I am quite introverted I'm not shy.

I also don't especially mind not being invited but what I do wonder about is how I am seen as being kind of a square peg, old fashioned, childlike, unsophisticated, not your normal modern woman but some kind of girl/old lady? I have a neurodiverse diagnosis (dyspraxia) but I don't put a whole lot of stock in that diagnosis but I wondered if it could be relevant. People say I look young but I don't know and to me the age you seem is about so much more than how you look it's an aura for want of a better word and I think it's that which for me is off and not as it should be. I work, I am married, I own a house and run it, I have all the trappings of an adult life but people do treat me like I am a special case and I suppose that can be frustrating for me.

Does anyone else know what I mean?

You don't mention a career - do you work?

I do actually know someone who is a bit like you who moved back to her hometown after university and has never really "launched" - she is very passive and looks to her parents still to make every decision for her. She is also fearful of new experiences and nervous in new places. If I invite her over and invite someone else that she doesn't know to come along, she will 100% cancel if she finds out about it beforehand so as a result her social circle is small. People treat her like a special case because she does seem quite fragile and sensitive. She works but in a very basic min wage job where she doesn't interact with many people. I'm sure she is autistic but I don't think she has any interest in a diagnosis.

I'd say the fact you have dyspraxic is relevant. It effects social skills.

Have you considered autism?

You don't sound like a failure to launch to me, with all your achievements.
I understand what you are saying about being an introvert but not shy, as I am myself and few people seem to get that difference.
I wonder if you are an INFP?
(someone will be along in a minute to say it’s been discredited, but I think it works pretty well)

I think you sound lovely and your life sounds lovely, I'm sorry you feel 'off' and out of place. There's a lady at my school who is just sooo lovely and sweet and nice, I definitely wouldn't invite her on a night out as I feel she wouldn't like it at all, maybe it's that kind of thing? Not because she's not lovely and her company is lovely!

Yes I do work, was freelance for about 15 years and now work for myself running my own business.

You say you know someone like me who never launched but I say in my OP how I have lived overseas alone. I did go back to my home town, which is a major UK city actually but I studied for my Masters in London, again alone where I didn't know a soul and then lived overseas, I live back in my home city now after many years of living and working around Europe but not because need my parents protection but because I like this place and it offers me a good standard of living with my husband. I think if I actually were like your friend and this fragile thing who can't cope with life then I would understand why people see me that way but my issues is that they do and I don't understand why because my life and experiences don't bare out the idea that I am a child who never properly grew up.

@Giggorata I've done those tests before as a bit of fun and yes I am an INFP although I don't know how seriously to take that kind of test. I had a friend who told me I seemed like this because I was a "Pisces rising" and so would always appear childlike to people in some way. I don't believe in astrology though.

People often seem to think this of me; that I am naive and a bit prim.

I’m really not. I have no idea why, or how to change it, though. 🤷‍♀️

The thing is that I was diagnosed with dyspraxia but I don't personally feel I fit that criteria For example, I have excellent balance and reflexes, better than my DH's and he was a professional sportsman. I have excellent dexterity and hand to eye co-ordination in fact my work relies on this ability! The only things I see in the list of symptoms on dyspraxia that I at all relate to is being a bit sensitive to sensory stimulation so I don't like the feel of make up or certain fabric, I dislike bright light or very loud noises but I don't think that is so unusual.

I have no idea why I was diagnosed with dyspraxia, perhaps because I had some mild speech difficulties as a young child which I grew out of by about 7 years old.

@HardcoreLadyType Yeah its annoying isn't it? I have no idea why people have this kind of impression of me either except for not being a drinker perhaps? I'll be honest, I'm not to bothers about not getting invited to parties I'd rather meet them for tea and cake or a night at the Ballet but I'm also not some kind of Victorian shut in or overgrown school girl!

@YesThatsATurdOnTheRug Thank you that is a nice think to say and yes I wouldn't say that people don't like me its more that they just don't see me as one of the gang. In a way that is fine because I am not into parties especially one's that involve a lot of drinking although I don't mind how other people have fun! I think its more the fact that they seem to see me as unworldly in some way and I have no idea why!

If you have one ND diagnoses you are very likely to have more as they tend to be in clusters. That might be worth exploring.

Have you ever had therapy? What was the outcome?

You sound a little like me.

I would say I sort have sleepwalked through life. Absolutely have had a rich life on paper, lots of travel, lived/worked abroad, creative career, married (now divorced) Uni/Masters etc. I go from quite extrovert to hiding in my house for days. This can be a challenge for anyone I live with and I now realise I don't like living with a partner, I prefer to be alone. I do have a dog and a child though....so that's all I want/can cope with. Especially as a hetro women, men tend to demand more than they contribute and I can't do that and as a feminist I don't find it attractive or interesting to be in a relationship like that.

I am inattentive ADHD with some ASD traits. Only discovered a few years ago and I think how different my life would have been if I'd had meds from teenage hood.

I can't cope with too many personal demands, as I get older I realise how avoidant I am compared to my peers.
Not sure if I need to change, I am who I am, lots of good qualities and just living a quiet life.

Do you feel unhappy or are you just curious about why you are how you are?

To add as I started wiring my post before your updates, I don't think you have dyspraxia, again you sound like me - really good hand/eye/reflexes/run your own business (I'm guessing not too 'social' a business?) you likely have a ADHD/ASD ND (as much as I can tell!) if anything.

Do you have depression/anxiety?
Honestly sound like your life is fine, but maybe we expect more?

@eiiyyo Its funny because I don't feel like I have slept walked thought life at all. I am not really an extrovert but I am not shy either I do like to do things on my own and gave up my previous career so that I could have more control of the work I was making, I'm a creative also. I don't have children by choice but I do like living with my husband and I have never felt like he demands more than he contributes I wouldn't have married him if I felt like that.

I don't know if I am avoidant, I don't think so but I do my own thing I suppose and don't go along with others just to fit in or people please and I do enjoy my time alone or with my DH. I think in some women this would be read as having strong boundaries which I think it is but people tend to see me as something other than that.

I am not unhappy just a bit baffled and perhaps a bit annoyed at being seen as sort of "fey" in my 40's!

@eiiyyo I am very lucky not to really struggle with my mental health at all I've felt anxious when there serious things to be anxious about i.e. serious illness in a family member but aside from that and the typical teenage angst I've always been quite a happy and optimistic person. Perhaps I am ND but just don't fit into a defined category?

My life is good, its what I chose but I am just aware of this perception other people have of me and I find it maybe at this time of my life as a bit deeming?

I'm told I'm childlike and I know it's because I'm short(5ft), I have very pronounced features like big lips and nose, I have a lisp, my mannerisms are flighty, im a total fidget and very clumsy. It has totally affected my confidence and life, people just look at me like I'm an incompetent idiot. I don't come across well at all but I am lucky that I have some good friends. You sound like you have achieved everything you wanted which is such a great thing.

@Turquoisa80 It sound different but the outcome is the same that people have this perception of you that isn't really accurate and end up being demeaning or limiting in someway, its very annoying isn't it? I suppose ultimately you can't control how others see you and just focus on your view of yourself.

Well it certainly doesn't sound like you're in the "failure to launch" bucket then.

I'm re-reading your OP, you say

• I feel like other people see me as something I am not.
• I am seen as being kind of a square peg, old fashioned, childlike, unsophisticated, not your normal modern woman but some kind of girl/old lady
• people do treat me like I am a special case
• people will invite me for a cup of tea and the ballet but not to parties

On the first 3 points, do you have any evidence that this is how people see you and treat you? as opposed to feeling like people think of you that way?

I guess I'm wondering if this is a perception thing (I feel that they think I am like this) or actually someone is telling you these things or treating you differently (making unwanted decisions on your behalf, talking for/over you, telling others that you are like that and it's got back to you etc).

On the last point, you say yourself that you don't drink and don't really enjoy pubs/clubs/parties much, so maybe you just have considerate friends who invite you to things they think you will enjoy, rather than things they know you won't.

I could have written that post OP! People never seem to know where to place me/how to categorise me. People love fitting things into neat boxes. I guess that’s why cliques exist. I didn’t go to uni but at school I was the same, friends with everyone, but that means you end up as no-one’s closest friend/priority. Cliques are helpful in that way.

Maybe this is a strange thing to ask, but what sort of clothes, hairstyle, shoes, etc do you tend to wear? What do the friends tend to wear, the ones who invite you to tea but not to parties?

I ask because I know someone years ago who dressed like a 1950s style maiden aunt - nylon tights, unfashionable brogues, gabardine skirts, bulky jumpers, hair very long and tied back, never styled, no nail polish or make up, devoutly religious. She did a masters in an obscure area of the humanities, moved abroad, and ended up marrying a race car driver. A very dark horse indeed. We all had her pegged for a convent.

You sound very self-aware, motivated, and as if you're living a conscious amd well-ordered life, making choices that are right for you, using your talents and making money from your skills.

What would you say it was that attracted you to the son of a very religious / ascetic mother?

I used to feel very like you. These days I've met people I've clicked with so I no longer feel like a misfit everywhere, but in general people still seem to pick up that innocent vibe you describe, and I don't really understand it either - in my case I do drink (to excess sometimes) so I don't think it's just that. I also swear, flirt with everyone, talk pretty openly about my sex life and don't have any particularly conservative opinions, so there's nothing obvious I can put my finger on as to why people might think this. Someone described me as 'very pure' recently - I don't even know what that's supposed to mean!

My current hypothesis is that it's because I rarely feel social embarrassment even in situations that I know other people find awkward, because I can be quite 'in my own world' and it generally doesn't occur to me that other people might be thinking about me at all. I'm also autistic and can sometimes say or do things that are a bit outside the social norm, again without any embarrassment because they seem perfectly normal to me. I think some people might pick up that lack of shame and read it as innocence, maybe? Does that resonate with you at all?

math that's a good point about clothes. I was talking to a school mum the other day who said she doesn't feel like she fits in. The only thing I could think of that sets her apart is she is very "polished" at all times - perfect nails, styled hair, obvious lip fillers, full face of makeup - and we are very much a no/invisible makeup, muddy wellies and scruffy barbour kind of place.

You say it's demeaning and limiting to have people see you this way though - that makes me think something unpleasant has actually happened beyond not being invited to parties?

(in which case it's more likely that you've come up against a rude and inconsiderate prick, rather than you being the problem!)

I do have my own arty style. I'm an artist and even make some of my own clothes, I don't show much skin but I don't dress like a maiden aunt although I'm not into make up or nail polish. I do have long hair though but it is thick and curly and I think it looks nice. I was raised catholic but am not especially religious myself. My DH was a pro footballer though and I was probably the least likely to marry footballer so there is that. He's Irish so perhaps his devout mother isn't so unusual over there. Perhaps I was just more to her liking than some of his previous girlfriends, I was certainly quite different to them!

You share many similarities with me. I'm autistic with ADHD and it's been the same for me throughout my life. I just go my own way and do my own thing. People can think what they want. 😉