Anyone else seen as kind of out of time, childlike etc?

[colemanjin]

I am mid 40's and I feel like I have never fitted in anywhere, I think that people like me well enough and at times I've even been considered popular but always kind of odd. At school I never fitted into any group, I was friendly with everyone but not close to anyone at school in particular kind of a loner.

At university I did have friends but still didn't ever seem to fit in with a group I didn't get a place in halls and the people in halls all seemed to socialise together and everyone else was from the city where the university was so they all had their own friendship groups already. I ended up living with a family for a year as a lodger then living in random flats with much older people until my final year when I girl on another course offered me a room in her flat but I was so busy with my studies and by then their friendship groups were forged and then when I left university I went back to my home town.

I have had boyfriends from my mid teens but the majority of them seemed to find me kind of uncool and unsophisticated even if they found me attractive and some would even try to change how I dressed or acted to make me more suitable. It has been from men I'd heard things like I am whimsical, childlike, innocent etc. I don't really know why. I don't drink although I did in my mid teens experiment with alcohol before giving it up entirely at 18. I've been to clubs, taken pills, had a few one night stands, lived abroad on my own, I have a masters degree all quite adult things if not always wise and yet I still get seen as something I am not sure I am. I think it is possibly the not drinking, I am not really into going out to pubs and clubs never have although I experimented with it all just to try it I just didn't enjoy it much. I know I went out with guys though that felt frustrated that their girlfriend was such a weirdo.

I am married now and my mil really took to me because I wasn't "corrupted" by the badness in the world (she is lovely but quite religious) its like a vibe I give off and for some people they like it but I feel like other people see me as something I am not.

Some of the women I know will call me up to go out for tea and cake or to the ballet but they don't invite me to parties and while I am quite introverted I'm not shy.

I also don't especially mind not being invited but what I do wonder about is how I am seen as being kind of a square peg, old fashioned, childlike, unsophisticated, not your normal modern woman but some kind of girl/old lady? I have a neurodiverse diagnosis (dyspraxia) but I don't put a whole lot of stock in that diagnosis but I wondered if it could be relevant. People say I look young but I don't know and to me the age you seem is about so much more than how you look it's an aura for want of a better word and I think it's that which for me is off and not as it should be. I work, I am married, I own a house and run it, I have all the trappings of an adult life but people do treat me like I am a special case and I suppose that can be frustrating for me.

Does anyone else know what I mean?

On the first three points as you list them yeah I have had people literally called me whimsical, childlike, other worldly to my face sometimes they have meant it nicely other times its been a kind of admonishment by boyfriends who feel my not fitting in better is showing them up somehow. There was a woman I was friendly with for a while who was upset when she found out how old I was as she had been under the impression I was much younger and she had taken me under her wing but we were only a couple of years apart in age and I had no idea she felt motherly towards me. Having said that I feel a bit motherly to one of my friends who is older than me as she is always in some kind of trouble or other. It can work in my favour to though as sometimes I feel like people want to indulge me in ways they wouldn't other adults but I don't take advantage of that.

Its true that friends who do know me well wouldn't invite me clubbing and that is fine of course and to be honest its fine if anyone doesn't invite me to do anything but its as I say the perception people seem to have of me even if they don't know me so well. I suppose it isn't that important really but I am curious about it like my brother in law is shocked if I swear or make a bit of a bawdy joke he literally seems to think I'm some kind of saintly maiden when I'm nothing of the kind.

You sound fab and I think you should just keep on doing your thing!

I hope you haven't had anyone be foul to you about it.

I don't know why but I think some people don't consider that those of us without children are 'proper' adults. I've had someone actually say to me that my opinion doesn't count because I don't have children and therefore can't really understand anything in the way they can (for context the conversation/opinion was nothing related to children or parenting!).

Also do you talk about your life/experiences openly? I ask because I'm not much of a talker so people tend to think I haven't done/don't really do much - they are wrong, but in my experience it does impact the general perception of my capabilities.

Well its more that I am in my 40's and people seem to regard me as a child or delicate when I'm not, I'm an adult woman who has lived a full life and I think it can be seen as demeaning to be regarded as childlike or not quite with it.

I probably felt it more painful when I was younger and at times felt rejected especially by boyfriends because I was not hip or cool enough. I had boys I was dating literally point across the room at other girls and ask me why I couldn't be more like them. It upset me to hear that because I can only be myself however I still dumped guys who treated me like that so I was never a doormat who just accepted their treatment of me either.

@Xiaoxiong Thank you that is very kind, people could be mean in the past but I'm not the push over some people think I am either so while it did hurt at times I never let it change me!

I can relate to this. I don't think others this I'm a maiden aunt type, more an awareness that I just seem to have different perspective on life and an am seen as a bit out of step with the world.

I am having therapy at the moment and this is one of the things we are discussing. My teenage DD is has been flagged as possibly autistic and although her struggles seem more extreme at the moment (mainly school related) there are some things that feel very familiar to me.

You sound like an interesting and thoughtful person.

I'll be honest, I'm not to bothered about not getting invited to parties I'd rather meet them for tea and cake or a night at the Ballet but I'm also not some kind of Victorian shut in or overgrown school girl!

I'm sure they don't see you as either of those things.

It seems that they see you as exactly what you are - a person who enjoys tea and cake or the ballet more than a party. They like you for who you are, and presumably they also enjoy tea, cake and ballet, so you have that in common!

What strikes me us that you mention what your friends invite you to do. But what do you invite them to do? If you throw a party or suggest a night out dancing or a concert, then that will change how they see you (if you want that - it sounds to me that you basically have a good set up already).

@Winterjoy Perhaps that is true, especially now at my age but people have always kind of had that kind of perception of me even before I was at the usual child having age. I do know what you mean though although to be honest I haven't actually experienced too much outward judgement about not having children.

I probably don't talk that much about my life in person and probably don't advertise my achievements of even my opinions too much so perhaps that is a factor letting my appearance and vibe give the main impression which probably isn't the full picture.

@TheYearOfSmallThings I know my friends do like me and I think people in general do seem to like me but it is the being a bit out of step thing and that either stated or implied perception of me as different perhaps?

Anyway yes I do totally invite people out I love going to art galleries and concerts with friends although you won't find me in the mosh pit! I think you are right I don't really have a real problem with things as they are and I am happy I just don't quite know why I give off the vibe that I do.

I don't know if I could be autistic I don't feel like I have that many characteristics of it other than not quite fitting in and doing my own thing. I think my Mum is autistic though and possibly my brother. My Dad probably has ADHD. I was always very dreamy as a child but was still paying attention with one bit of my mind as I stared out the window. I like your attitude though best just to not care what anyone thinks!

You do sound like a typical INFP to me .They can appear younger than their years and I think deep thinking can given them a different perspective to others but usually quite sure about their own ideas and morals .Why would you want to be like those other girls / women you wouldn’t .Sounds like those men were not right for you. I am INFP I do feel a bit like I don’t fit in and a bit avoidant as I am a bit of a hermit a lot of the time .Maybe it’s the different between the turbulent and assertive INFP’s as you definitely sound like an assertive one .

OP I relate somewhat to what you've said. I feel immature even though I'm in my forties now- don't do much with hair and makeup or fashion, don't drink, eat too many sweets and chocolate, don't gossip or chat with other mums and stick out if I'm in a group of women talking and I've always just felt like I've not quite fully made it as an adult (obviously have had kids, done masters, deal with complex and vulnerable people on daily basis, pay the bills etc so I'm not completely inept. Just don't do social things or feel the need to.

I think you just need to find your tribe.

I wouldn't find your style indicative of childishness at all. I dress from thrift shops and don't follow fashion, and a good few of my friends have a style as opposed to being trendy. The trendy ones don't put me off all the same. I put it down to a lack of sartorial imagination, not a lack of any deeper qualities. My friends and I are old enough to have gone through many trials and tribulations with husbands, partners, and children, and at this point we are aware of all we have in common. None of us are partiers, no-one spends her time counting down to the next gig or music festival, etc.

I'm Irish, and can't really figure out your MIL's comment. A lot of older Irish women would possibly feel relief that their son was marrying a Catholic even if not a practicing one, as there are plenty of fish in the sea in tbe UK, and maybe she felt relief that he didn't go for a typical football wife too.

Overall, I wouldn't interpret it as more than an expression of the hope that you and her son would have some shared values, not really an attempt to put you in any particular box.

@kerstina I haven't really read much about the turbulent vs assertive infp, perhaps that will be a useful differentiation so I will look in to that.

@mathanxiety I do kind of have a fragmented tribe although at this point they are all over the UK and the world really which isn't the most conducive to hanging out although we write and keep in touch that way and its not always easy to meet people you really click with as you get older. I am not aware consciously of being lonely although perhaps that is there under the surface so I will heed what you say.

I don't really know what his mum meant by it either, it seemed an odd thing to say even for a religious women but she often goes on about people being too worldly these days. She is a very sweet woman though and yes I think she was glad I was Catholic and in many ways even though I am not Irish myself I have a very similar kind of background to my DH and his family.

Thanks everyone who posted! I do actually feel like this has helped me to reframe this feeling into something less negative! I think I had attached some negative associations to how people seem to see me from old boyfriends and friends comments that made equate that to being lame, square, sad, pathetic in some way which I don't think most people do think of me and I don't feel that way about myself!

@colemanjin You sound like me. I've never fitted in anywhere much, always a bit out of step with everyone else.

A ton of MH diagnoses but also dyscalculia. Been told there appear to be some autistic traits but not diagnosed and I have also been told it's likely due to to childhood trauma.

Upbringing was very weird because parents very religious, evangelical slightly fundamentalist Christians (independent baptist) so I think my sibling and
I had a reputation for being a bit uncool. My parents both had their issues and my sibling (who has worked in SEN teaching and is herself seeking assessment for ADD, which is causing her some issues socially and with work) strongly believes that our father was high functioning ASD as well as OCD, paranoia and mood swings.

I have never had an interest in marriage or babies and am not great at handling money. I tend to be very obsessive and black and white in my thinking and although I love clothes I don't follow fashion in the sense of dressing one everyone else, I like to wear what I think suits me.

I have been told I'm childlike and also test as INFP @colemanjin@Giggorata but I am actually shy as well as introverted . Was bullied very badly by my peers and abused by adults in different ways (sexual as well as the other ways).

As a child I struggled to make friends and didn't do eye contact until my mid 20s and I still struggle a bit there (40s now). I was odd at school, very hypervigilant and untrusting. I loved to run and ride my bike, was very active but terrified of heights and being hit by balls but was awful at team sports, too aged to learn to clap, tell time, the shoelaces , was unable to understand basic maths or use the right cutlery but I was ahead of my peers at reading and writing . I had quite a singing voice at a young age and was already able to sing quite difficult music concert standard by my mid teens. I loved books they were my refuge . Books and pets. I felt animals were safer and was obsessed with different animals until I discovered guinea pigs and became obsessed with them for life! I'm the crazy guinea pig lady now.

I am sensitive and emotionally vulnerable and although finding it hard to trust people are safe I am also quite gullible. Childlike is the term that has been used to describe me. I was teased no end as a child for being gullible and easily wound up. Being gullible and easily led ended up in a sexual assault in Year 5 at primary school for which I was blamed.

Might feel 'anti-intellectual' but have a read about Kibbe body types and 'style essences'. You sound like you might be a 'gamine' body type (think Audrey Hepburn, Mia Farrow) and have an 'ethereal' or 'ingenue' essence. Often big, wide-set eyes, delicate frame, paler colouring etc, can play into this.

The upshot is that if you have certain 'essences' or physical characteristics people will pretty routinely read you as youthful, elfin, childlike etc and project all the personality characteristics they associate with that onto you, regardless of whether you have a Phd in Astrophysics or run your own engineering firm.

@CheekyHobson Interesting I am definitely more on the gamine side of the scale, I will look into it more!

I feel exactly the same at 36 an have recently had a diagnosis for ADHD and borderline personality, you could possibly be on the spectrum aswell, they things u said really resonate with me, IV always felt the way u explain an it's helped me so much to now understand why :) xxx

From your descriptions, in my head you are now reminding me of Luna Lovegood in Harry Potter. 😁
She's nobody's fool and is sharp and capable but also ethereal somehow. She's my fave character actually!
So, maybe you have that sort of vibe.
To be honest though, you get invited to all the things you want to go to, and have a lovely life by the sounds of it. So could be worse considering you're misunderstood. 😁😁

I was diagnosed with BPD/EUPD too.

@CheekyHobson not gamine in my case at all! Tall, and very chunky. But an interesting theory for sure.

@GoingOffOnATangent Haha, well I think I am going to lean in that Luna Lovegood vibe then! Yes I do have a good life and am not unhappy with how things are and of course you can never control how people see you so no point in worrying about it I suppose!

@Goldieremson That's interesting you relate, I am a bit dreamy but I looked at the symptoms of borderline personality and I don't relate to that too much I am quite calm and even in my temperament really. Perhaps the ADHD think I can relate to some of that although not all but perhaps most people can to bits of it. I do understand what you mean though about getting some kind of answer for the question as to why you are seen as different.