Anyone else seen as kind of out of time, childlike etc?

[colemanjin]

I am mid 40's and I feel like I have never fitted in anywhere, I think that people like me well enough and at times I've even been considered popular but always kind of odd. At school I never fitted into any group, I was friendly with everyone but not close to anyone at school in particular kind of a loner.

At university I did have friends but still didn't ever seem to fit in with a group I didn't get a place in halls and the people in halls all seemed to socialise together and everyone else was from the city where the university was so they all had their own friendship groups already. I ended up living with a family for a year as a lodger then living in random flats with much older people until my final year when I girl on another course offered me a room in her flat but I was so busy with my studies and by then their friendship groups were forged and then when I left university I went back to my home town.

I have had boyfriends from my mid teens but the majority of them seemed to find me kind of uncool and unsophisticated even if they found me attractive and some would even try to change how I dressed or acted to make me more suitable. It has been from men I'd heard things like I am whimsical, childlike, innocent etc. I don't really know why. I don't drink although I did in my mid teens experiment with alcohol before giving it up entirely at 18. I've been to clubs, taken pills, had a few one night stands, lived abroad on my own, I have a masters degree all quite adult things if not always wise and yet I still get seen as something I am not sure I am. I think it is possibly the not drinking, I am not really into going out to pubs and clubs never have although I experimented with it all just to try it I just didn't enjoy it much. I know I went out with guys though that felt frustrated that their girlfriend was such a weirdo.

I am married now and my mil really took to me because I wasn't "corrupted" by the badness in the world (she is lovely but quite religious) its like a vibe I give off and for some people they like it but I feel like other people see me as something I am not.

Some of the women I know will call me up to go out for tea and cake or to the ballet but they don't invite me to parties and while I am quite introverted I'm not shy.

I also don't especially mind not being invited but what I do wonder about is how I am seen as being kind of a square peg, old fashioned, childlike, unsophisticated, not your normal modern woman but some kind of girl/old lady? I have a neurodiverse diagnosis (dyspraxia) but I don't put a whole lot of stock in that diagnosis but I wondered if it could be relevant. People say I look young but I don't know and to me the age you seem is about so much more than how you look it's an aura for want of a better word and I think it's that which for me is off and not as it should be. I work, I am married, I own a house and run it, I have all the trappings of an adult life but people do treat me like I am a special case and I suppose that can be frustrating for me.

Does anyone else know what I mean?

You sound great!

I had similar comments from bfs and get left out of nights out etc by female friends, so maybe give off a similar vibe. I think people feel more comfortable pigeonholing everyone, but it's good to stand out and be yourself! I used to mind but don't anymore - the reality is that I don't get left out of stuff I would want to attend and I probably am a bit different.

Your MIL sounds lovely and obviously really likes you. It doesn't really matter why and she may not even have described her feeling accurately, but it's such a valuable relationship.

I hope you have confidence to be your wonderful self without second guessing anything and just don't worry about other people's perception.

Yeah, I’m definitely ‘out of time’. I think I’m a bit odd. People think I’m a lot younger than I really am (40s). I dress fairly young and work with young people, which gives me a rather young energy, which I think annoys people. I have friends but not the ‘mainstream’ crowd, who I don’t really know how to get along with, and I have lots of male friends because I don’t really ‘see’ sex and I like to get a range of input.

I like people who don’t take anything seriously, and like to watch comedy/talk nonsense, as well as discussing politics and analysing people. I’m clever (Oxbridge/MSc) but not motivated by money etc.

DS1 is AuDHD, so I guess I must be too??

I wonder if people assume you might judge them or disapprove of them. I know you say you aren't like that, but the replies to people on here are a bit like you already think what you think. Not mean or anything but if people do assume you are quite fixed on stuff, they might think you'd disapprove or not enjoy anything they haven't seen you do before, like clubbing or whatever.

Also humour. Humour can help people seem a bit less prim if that's what you think people are perceiving you as. It can also be a way of turning it round to remind people you are actually an adult and not this naive creature they might be assuming.

You sound really nice by the way and capable. A bit of an off-the-wall thought for you. That people are assuming you might be shocked or a Victorian maiden aunt might also be partly because you are quite self-contained and don't go to them with your problems, or issues or needs. Sometimes people chat about certain things to a person who is going to revel in their dramas or who will confide similar stuff back. I can see that maybe with someone who sounds competent and sorted and a non-drinker and quite straight forward, they might just feel embarrassed or assume that you are perhaps more prudish or naive than you actually are?

You sound as though you have certain things in common with me. I also seem to give off this air of innocence, which meant when I was younger (with less of a developed Paddington stare/resting bitch face), I got a lot of religious and/or fervent types trying to persuade me to join their church/cult/movement. I could never work out why as I’m not a “joiner” at all, far too many questions about religion in particular. But they clearly saw me as ripe for the picking. And these people had no connection to each other. So it was definitely a vibe I gave out.

I have always looked much younger than I actually am. Never known how to “follow” fashion or had any instinctive sense of how I look/come across/what sort of signals I might be sending to people. I dress fairly conventionally but I never seem to get the memo that everyone needs to switch style of trainer until I see everyone is wearing white ones, for example.

Like you, I’ve always been quite capable and have managed travel and all sorts. Run a home, etc. Have a DH and DCs. But occasionally feel I’m not seen as a “proper grownup” in some circles. Never fitted in socially at school, or understood how to network for promotions and so on. Have always made friends in ones or twos rather than as a big gang. Many are also a bit quirky like me.

I am utterly convinced I’m autistic, probably with a side helping of dyspraxia and ADHD. Have a look at how autistic women present and see if any of that resonates with you. I’m glad you have a happy life. I care less as I get older what people think about me - I think I’ve grown into myself, if that makes sense.

I immediately thought ND from your first paragraph. Sounds more like ASD than dyspraxia though. Can be some overlap though.

@colemanjin
Those bfs sound immature themselves - insecure and overly worried about what their mates might think. Dumping them shows maturity on your part IMO, rather than letting them change you.
When I was in my teens and boys told me I was innocent, they were usually trying to get me into bed.
I think some people measure being 'grown up' as ticking off a set list of milestones: nice house, nice car, good job, husband with good job, children doing well, clothes, hair and makeup fitting in with current trends. People that don't fit in with that make them feel uncomfortable, and so they label them immature as a defense mechanism.
As an artist with your own successful business, I'm guessing selling your art, it's also possible they're a bit jealous. Maybe their own lives seem a bit dull and conventional by comparison. Perhaps their comments say more about them than you.

Please don't change OP you sound like a breath of fresh air.

I think there is an overlap between them.

@3beesinmybonnet Thank you that is a lovely post and I do appreciate it, I don't think anyone would be jealous of me but perhaps its as you say not really doing the done thing that means people sometimes feel they have to point out how I am or label me.

I definitely look younger than I am which contributes enormously to how people view me.

I am also blonde and think people think I'm thicker than I actually am : I start talking and people seem surprised by me.

I definitely have to go further to prove myself I find

I know other women my age who look much more responsible, mature, etc - but who aren't at all.

Can I be your friend?

seriously - you sound utterly lovely. Genuine. Honest. I get a bit fed up with the neurodivergent labels. People are very different and you sound an absolute gem

@bohemianmullet I am quite open minded I think and definitely someone who is open to trying new things, travel, food, books and music . I certainly don't disapprove of anyone clubbing or drinking and I don't "tsk tsk" if people mention it. I did try all those things more than once when I was younger but it was just never for me and what is the point in forcing myself to do something I don't want to?

I do think I have a good sense of humour and am quite giggly at times actually and I've wondered if that is one of the reasons people see me as childlike.

I am quite self contained though that much is true, I tend to process things internally rather than need to talk about it most of the time and I have never been someone with a lot of drama in my life either but I am not particularly judgemental I don't think, or no more than anyone else but a good friend of mine especially when young was always getting into scrapes and I was always her main confidant.

@coxesorangepippin I do think its likely that appearance probably does colour peoples perception of you even I have been guilty of that. When I first met my DH I actually kind of dismissed him as a kind of "himbo" and he's nothing of the sort, I could have really missed out with that kind of bias.

@BeethovenNinth Thank you that is very sweet and yes of course! I do know what you mean about the labels I suppose I feel that everyone is unique with their own strengths and struggles so the labelling can feel reductive or that it implies that some how "normal people" have it easy which I don't think is true at all for anyone, nobody really has it that easy. I also can see that for lots of people getting a diagnosis which provides insight and support for their difficulties can be really helpful, even life changing.

Interesting all the comments suggesting autism, I've had a look and I don't really think I do meet that criteria, I don't find it hard to read other people, in fact I think I am quite good at that and I am not especially awkward in social situations, I am not blunt and I don't tend to take things literally or avoid eye contact, I don't have emotional regulation issues and no stimming or masking. I have some niche interests but not obsessive in anyway. I do need to give myself time to get used to change but I know this about myself and so am usually prepared for it i.e. if I change the décor in a room I know even if I picked it I won't like it right away and will have to wait a few weeks till I am used to it, I am not the most spontaneous person, I prefer at least a few days notice for meeting up or a call to let me know you are popping in but doesn't everyone? I can also be spontaneous under the right circumstances, surprise trip to Venice? Why not!

I do have some sensory issues for sure and probably don't like being touched by people I don't know that much. I have cut my own hair for decades because I don't like being touched by the hairdresser for example and I've never had a massage off a professional I shudder at the thought but luckily DH is very good at back rubs.

On balance I don't think I do sound like I have autism but some sensory issues yes.

Do you perhaps just take after your mum ? You’ve described her as possibly autistic. We do pick up a lot of our mannerisms and behaviours from our parents.

I think I take more after my Dad but of course we do pick up things from both our parents. I do think my Mum exhibits masking behaviours for example while I don't think I do. Its hard to say really, I think I am much more like my Dad.

Sounds very much like autism.

@ItsHitTheFanNow what does, did you read my post above where I go though the parts of autism most of it where I don't think meet that criteria?

Never fitted in anywhere.
Kind of a loner.
Not into going out to pubs and clubs.
Dyspraxic.
Sensory issues.
Early speech difficulties.
Family history of autism.
Niche interests.
Difficulty adjusting to change.

I did read your post. But autism is a spectrum. Which means you can fit some criteria and not others. It presents differently in everyone.

OP are you quite short and slim? Sometimes just being very petite and slim as a woman is enough to make people see you as a bit fragile/childlike. Especially if you also wear quite feminine clothing (not sexy, I'm imagining more kind of flowing lines).

I'm sorry ex boyfriends were like that though, sounds really hurtful.

I was talking to a friend about something similar tonight... I think I have asd (2 children both diagnosed when little). I have always done well, everyone comments on how 'lovely' I am and how I am always happy and smiley but there is so much more to me that no one seems to see or maybe I hide it well I dunno. It's so hard to explain. Like people want to keep me in this lovely and kind box and can't hear me yelling 🤷‍♀️

I have in response always pushed myself to earn well and a have a good career almost to prove them wrong but tbh it's exhausting me. Sometimes I feel like outside my house is a performance 🙄

I identify with a lot of what you wrote. I have few friends and am very careful. Very successful at work but I mask.
very dysfunctional childhood and a total geek - university was hard I wasn’t a drinker, or only having sex I was happy in hall reading and sleeping not socialising that much. Plenty of running. Struggled with relationship but not as being a mum. I can run a home, change a tap, change a fuse, put up a table / shelf, change a tyre, first aid a child but still don’t feel proper adult. I’m scared of conflict so home has to be quiet. I love books.

I'm an INFP and have ADHD 😁 I can relate to what you're saying but the non drinking might rule out ADHD - we tend to go the other way in search of a dopamine hit. An ASD assessment might be worthwhile - even the indicative tests online are very useful. Not unusual for dyspraxia and ASD to go together.

Ooh you sound like a lovely friend of mine although she is in her thirties not forties. She’s also travelled and lived abroad and has 2 degrees and a masters. Very strong woman but comes across as ‘innocent’.

The reasons I think why:

• Doesn’t really swear
• uses almost childlike language. For example if someone tells me about a guy being horrible, I’ll say ‘what a prick’, whereas she would say ‘that’s not very nice. How naughty’.
• Although very intelligent and has opinions the kind of topics you’d discuss with her would likely be discussions such as politics, feminism and religion and not other types of adult conversations such sex and inappropriate scandal. I could happily sit in a restaurant with her and talk about the general election or patriarchy. However she’s not someone you’d talk sexual escapades over a bottle of wine in detail with. She would never bring up that kind of stuff even though she’s far from a virgin.
• She doesn’t wear makeup other than on occasions, and when she does it’s similar to either a young girl/older woman. So basic mascara, blusher and lipstick instead of a Smokey eye with lashes and a red lip.
• She dresses quite student like. A lot of women of our age are either into fashion/trends and look modern and put together or they are kinda frumpy in standard Dorothy Perkins/peacocks. She is neither. She’s similar to a student in terms of basic/mainstream yet experimental clothing. So she’ll wear jeans and a top with a colourful pashmina and purple pearl earrings. Not fashionable, not frumpy.. just.. i don’t know.
• She’a sensible and level headed in ways that a lot of adults aren’t. So for example when driving people get bouts of road rage, or if something inconvenient happens they’ll vent/rant and maybe throw in the odd curse word. She’d not go on a rant but maybe instead say something innocent like ‘oh dear, that’s very annoying’ rather than ‘bloody hell, that’s fucked me right off’.
• She has ‘wholesome’ hobbies of crocheting and working at the local animal rescue. She wouldn’t sit a binge watch some horrific true crime show but instead watch Gilmore girls.
• although she has a cracking sense of humour she will giggle at crude jokes and people bantering rather than saying any crude jokes or banter herself.

She is a lovely spirit and comes across as wholesome and innocent. She’s not someone I would ring to vent about what a knob DP is being or how hungover I am or discuss that one night stand in London with. But she’s someone I’d turn too for comfort in dark times xx