If you are a very private person - why?

[Hiddenawaytoday]

I’m generally a very private person. I have a few close friends that I enjoy being open with but seem to have an almost pathological avoidance of revealing myself to people I don’t know so well. I’m going through a tough time at the moment, and I’m finding it really difficult to open up about it to people who could help me get support (even though those people actually know what happened to me, just don’t know that I’m currently struggling with it). I get stupidly annoyed with other people who are open about their struggles and therefore get support, while I’m going through something much worse than them but don’t get support.

I seem to shy away from revealing anything about myself, even totally minor inconsequential things like I’ve recently started painting for fun. As well causing me problems with getting support when I need it, it’s making me avoid trying a couple of side hustles/hobbies I would love to explore further, because people might find out about me doing them.

Help me try to understand the psychology of this please! If you are a private person have you ever tried to analyse why?

I have wondered if I’m afraid of judgement – I almost feel ashamed of pinning a flag to any identity. My mother has always been pretty snobbishly judgemental of other people for all sorts of things – life choices, aesthetic tastes, accents - so maybe that has made me shy away from anything that can be judged. There was also a pretty big emphasis on independence (like getting little sympathy for hurts) and not being 'attention seekers' – but maybe those are all fairly standard for an ‘80s upbringing.

Has anyone had any luck with getting over this sort of issue? How did you go about it and if you’ve forced yourself out of that privacy comfort zone, does it get easier with time? I'm feeling pretty paralysed by this at the moment!

I am a bit like this. I think it stems from a fear of being annoying or needy, or burdening people. It is linked with low self-esteem for me. I don't have any advice but you're not alone.

I don't use things like Facebook but I wouldn't say I was a private person.

Your afraid of judgment reason might be correct. I suppose I feel okay so don't mind if people I chat to might be told something about me.
Are you sure it is fault? Some people put far too much information out there and then it comes back to haunt them later.

I don't like feeling exposed or vulnerable. I like to be in control of my information. Once I share it, I have no control over it. I don't trust people to not use things I've shared against me.

Funny really when you consider that on here I've shared everything but my shoe size (Illusion of anonymity I guess.). but in real life I barely talk to anyone and certainly don't share my personal info.

I think this is probably quite accurate. I'm the polar opposite, an open book, happy to answer whatever anyone asks and I've always assumed it was down to the fact I really don't care what other people think of me.

To me, it's value: I have two very separate public and private persona.

The public 'face' is still very much me - I don't pretend, I just withhold, to an extent.

I also find it deeply uncomfortable when other people attempt to overshare.

Are you also paranoid?

The only person I knew who described themselves as "a very private person" was intensely paranoid about other people's motives (although I know from others that her life experiences made her this way...and with good reason)

She was very lonely and was incapable of changing her mindset, which was sad.

My book is closed, locked and welded shut. My colleagues know nothing about my personal life. Primarily because I simply don't feel the need to share, I gain nothing from it.
People who bare their souls within ten minutes of meeting me make me feel really uncomfortable, especially when they start talking about their trauma.

I am like this too. Like a pp said I don’t like feeling vulnerable. I also agree with not appearing to be needy.

Much like @IncompleteSenten I reveal very little about myself especially emotionally to anyone - even my best friends and husbands don't always know what's going on in my head (things like worries about work, health concerns, how I actual feel etc) and I rarely ask others personal Q's. I guess you could argue that none of my relationships are truly close but I do have a network of lovely friends and family and I think am well liked and people see me as being emotionally very strong so now it's even harder to be open about 'weaknesses'

From quite a 'stiff upper lip' upbringing and we never really shared feelings or emotions as a family and I find it really uncomfortable even now. My husband is from a much more communicative and open family and has helped so we talk more openly with the DC, but I'm still very closed personally.

for me, its because I have limited bandwidth for friendship and bearing your heart and soul to someone invites a deeper level of friendship, which I just don't have the time for. Except
for a couple of treasured confidantes.
So I do show vulnerability to others but reign it in where needed( to avoid turning a friendship into something deeper, which would then demand more of my time.

I am very private and I like staying low key, not everyone needs to know everything about me, the best thing l ever did was stop telling people what's going on in my life.
When l was younger l was stalked not once but twice, this has fuelled my need for privacy but l have always been a naturally private person. I have healthy self esteem l don't worry about what others think, more l simply don't care. I am capable of asking for help, but rarely feel the need. I
Maybe you are independent and self sufficient, rather than ashamed or wary?

I'm a very private person with everyone apart from DP.

I have a few close friends that I tell some stuff to but not a huge amount.
I tell people at work absolutely nothing.

It stems from my childhood. My mum was (and still is) deeply skeptical about the motives of anyone and everyone in life. She has a strong victim complex and believes that everyone's out to get one over on her. It's bonkers and I avoid being that extreme but she always used to say "The less people know about you, the better", and I do find that I actually agree very much with that.

Having said that, I'm not private to the point where it affects my life negatively.

I'm like this and am always wondering why! I also have things I struggle with privately and although people know this thing is part of my life, I hate the thought of anyone's pity so just never mention it. But then other times I get annoyed that people don't consider that thing - I'm very fickle 😆

I also hate the thought of being gossiped about or having another person put their own spin on my personal life to others so that also makes me keep quiet.

If I do choose to share something then it has to be in my own words.

This is it for me, I don't want to bother people with my worries or problems. I don't have low self esteem though, I think I do it for the opposite reason - I'm perfectly capable, get on with it.

I'm a very private person.

I'm disabled, after an accident about a decade ago.
I have found that if I share the details of my disability I get people telling me to take random food supplements or use crystals or whatever.
It really pisses me off as I've had huge amounts of medical intervention, multiple operations, hydro, physio, more pills than you can shake a stick at.

So although I am obviously disabled, and in some ways I am very open about that, eg if asking for a ramp at the station, I won't share details of my disability because it leads to me wanting to kill people.

I'm a very private person for many reasons. Mainly, it's because I'm a conservative, idealistic and traditional person, so my lifestyle choices, opinions, views, morals and values just don't align, at all, with most people around me. I'm very comfortable with who I am and what I stand for, but I'm also very aware of the fact that this society has no room or tolerance for someone like me. Which is okay, because I feel no need to advertise for myself to the entire world. And I feel no desire to exhibit myself.

I also don't want to open the door for people to pass judgements on me. Which they absolutely do, because people are inherently judgemental and can't bare it when someone represents something they are against. Especially those that pride themselves of being "open-minded", they are the absolute worst in my experience.

I just want to live as I please, in peace. That means being a private person.

Hmm, I think I would describe myself as a private person in that I don't really share my feelings much. I think it is because I know I won't get a reaction that I like, for example, pity at something sad, or overenthusiam at something good! I like to be left to work things out on my own.

I'm very private. I think its mostly because I'm pretty introverted and hate talking about myself or being the centre of attention. I'd much rather talk about the other person.

Possibly it comes from being the youngest child in a large family who teased each other a lot so growing up I guess I was the brunt of a lot of jokes and learnt to keep things to myself!

I am intensely private, even too much with my DH really. It stems from a worry about being judge. DH is amazing and doesn't judge of course, but I can't shake that urge to keep everything to myself

I find it really irritating to get unsolicited advice, so I don't talk about a lot of things. I think that's probably because I had very controlling parents who will always telling me the right way to do things.

In my case it's left from childhood. My mother used to store away information and would pull it out to shame me when she was displeased with me (she recently referenced something that happened when I was 5 - I'm now in my 50s!). It's made it very hard to trust that others don't have the same motives.

Introvert and don't like people.

Ditto Draculina - I could've written your post.

I'm not a shy person but I am the opposite of an attention seeking extrovert, I just don't feel I need validation from anyone for the way I live my life/my views. I'm happy just going about my business with people knowing as little as possible about me. It amused me in the past (when a school-run mum) that I found out certain people were gossiping about me with completely made-up stuff which came from I have no idea where. I think people find me hard to figure out as dh and I live an affluent lifestyle but are very non-showy and don't socialise beyond our immediate circle or share anything much about ourselves. People don't know what dh does for a living etc as we are very vague about it. We have absolutely zero social media presence and a google search of our names brings up nothing, which makes me very happy.

I think it drives nosy people mad!

Thanks everyone! It's really interesting hearing everyone else's experiences of being private. I can certainly relate to low self-esteem sometimes and dislike being centre of attention. I'm definitely not paranoid about others' motivations @Dacadactyl - very trusting in general. I guess before now I never saw my private-ness as a negative thing but it's now causing me problems.

In my case it's left from childhood. My mother used to store away information and would pull it out to shame me when she was displeased with me (she recently referenced something that happened when I was 5 - I'm now in my 50s!). It's made it very hard to trust that others don't have the same motives

Also relate to this. I tell my dm the absolute bare minimum about my life as she will use anything as a way to try and bring me down a peg or two.