I’m generally a very private person. I have a few close friends that I enjoy being open with but seem to have an almost pathological avoidance of revealing myself to people I don’t know so well. I’m going through a tough time at the moment, and I’m finding it really difficult to open up about it to people who could help me get support (even though those people actually know what happened to me, just don’t know that I’m currently struggling with it). I get stupidly annoyed with other people who are open about their struggles and therefore get support, while I’m going through something much worse than them but don’t get support.
I seem to shy away from revealing anything about myself, even totally minor inconsequential things like I’ve recently started painting for fun. As well causing me problems with getting support when I need it, it’s making me avoid trying a couple of side hustles/hobbies I would love to explore further, because people might find out about me doing them.
Help me try to understand the psychology of this please! If you are a private person have you ever tried to analyse why?
I have wondered if I’m afraid of judgement – I almost feel ashamed of pinning a flag to any identity. My mother has always been pretty snobbishly judgemental of other people for all sorts of things – life choices, aesthetic tastes, accents - so maybe that has made me shy away from anything that can be judged. There was also a pretty big emphasis on independence (like getting little sympathy for hurts) and not being 'attention seekers' – but maybe those are all fairly standard for an ‘80s upbringing.
Has anyone had any luck with getting over this sort of issue? How did you go about it and if you’ve forced yourself out of that privacy comfort zone, does it get easier with time? I'm feeling pretty paralysed by this at the moment!