If you are a very private person - why?

[Hiddenawaytoday]

I’m generally a very private person. I have a few close friends that I enjoy being open with but seem to have an almost pathological avoidance of revealing myself to people I don’t know so well. I’m going through a tough time at the moment, and I’m finding it really difficult to open up about it to people who could help me get support (even though those people actually know what happened to me, just don’t know that I’m currently struggling with it). I get stupidly annoyed with other people who are open about their struggles and therefore get support, while I’m going through something much worse than them but don’t get support.

I seem to shy away from revealing anything about myself, even totally minor inconsequential things like I’ve recently started painting for fun. As well causing me problems with getting support when I need it, it’s making me avoid trying a couple of side hustles/hobbies I would love to explore further, because people might find out about me doing them.

Help me try to understand the psychology of this please! If you are a private person have you ever tried to analyse why?

I have wondered if I’m afraid of judgement – I almost feel ashamed of pinning a flag to any identity. My mother has always been pretty snobbishly judgemental of other people for all sorts of things – life choices, aesthetic tastes, accents - so maybe that has made me shy away from anything that can be judged. There was also a pretty big emphasis on independence (like getting little sympathy for hurts) and not being 'attention seekers' – but maybe those are all fairly standard for an ‘80s upbringing.

Has anyone had any luck with getting over this sort of issue? How did you go about it and if you’ve forced yourself out of that privacy comfort zone, does it get easier with time? I'm feeling pretty paralysed by this at the moment!

As pps I don’t share because I don’t want to lose track or control of my information. I distrust the motives of others, and I don’t wish to invite others to get overly intimate with me. I don’t care about their dramas, frankly.

As for getting support, I wouldn’t want to be beholden to anyone, or feel like I owe them something. I prefer to depend on me. I quite like feeling that people don’t know my story.

I'm pretty introverted and not a social butterfly in any way.

I have found in the past that the more information you give out to people the more ammunition they seem to have against you, even if things I shared were really nothing more than social chitchat.

I am more cautious now, though have also developed the ability to hardly care any more what others think of me. I guess it's a curious mixture of the two in my case. I'm 57 now, so perhaps some of that comes with age.

My need for privacy comes from anxiety. I need to be in control and really struggle when external factors mean I can't be.
Controlling who is in my life and what they know makes me feel safe..

My husband is very like this. He is a completely closed book to most people, and really doesn’t like sharing any details about himself in wider settings like work. He didn’t even like telling a colleague which football team he supported! I think for him it comes from having a pretty traumatic childhood where they had to keep a lot of things secret (middle class abusive home - no one knew what was happening and they couldn’t let anyone know, you know the kind of thing). I think he’s just so in that mindset that even now he isn’t in that environment it’s so part of him to keep himself and his private life private.

I think for me it's partly a trust thing, having opened up to people in the past who have thrown those things back at me in an argument or discussed things with other people that I'd told them in confidence even though I'd asked for them to keep it private. So for me I think it's about not wanting to be vulnerable or give other people anything they can use against me.

I'm not private at all on here - so there must be something about anonymity. I don't always trust the motives of people I'm talking to. If they're interested...is it because they care and like me or because they want some juicy gossip they can use against me at a later date?

When I was younger I wore my heart on my sleeve a lot, especially on social media and then when I lost contact with some very good friends, I began to feel like I'd given so much away by saying and revealing so much to them and it wasn't a good feeling. I wouldn't want to give anyone from my past the satisfaction of seeing too much about my life now. Being able to share your weirdness/vulnerability is a beautiful thing but I only really do this with close family, my husband and (kind of) with my best friend now.

I'm an introvert and I hate attention.

What an interesting thread. I am like this to a certain extent, I like chatting with people but am really reluctant to discuss beliefs, politics, parenting etc. I think it’s because I really don’t want other peoples opinions or judgements. I also am not very nosy so don’t want to know these things about other people. Too many people think conversation is an invitation for advice!

I grew up in a controlling religious community where over sharing was encouraged and then weaponised against you! My mum also used to share everything personal I told her with her friends. I hated it!

I also don’t share on social media and find people who use Facebook like a diary unbelievable cringey. I also detest endless selfies and personal posts. I think it’s a gross display of narcissism and insecurity.

I would describe my mum as a very private person (except with my dad, my brother or me) and an introvert. Her mother (my grandmother) was the opposite - an extrovert who had lots of friends and shared everything with everyone. I wonder if my mum's approach is a reaction against her own mother? She had a difficult childhood and felt unsupported by her parents in important ways.

I'm quite introverted, and I absolutely detest people oversharing, especially with their emotions, I deal with my own in private and would prefer others to do the same. I don't mind others knowing basic info, I'll happily talk about my hobbies and a little about my family but that's it.
I've always been this way and I'm confortable with that.

For me it stems from childhood, and being raised by an anxious mother who was also pitying if I was sad and judgemental if I was angry. I learnt to do a good job of hiding myself.

I have social anxiety so find it incredibly difficult to talk to anyone in real life or reveal anything about myself. I don’t have any friends at all that I can be open with apart from my amazing DH. This honestly is fine with me because there was a long time in my life where I was so lonely I would have done anything to have just one friend, and now I’m much happier.

I think it comes from childhood for me as well. I have dyspraxia which went undiagnosed until I was 17. So I grew up finding things more difficult than most other children around me, and not understanding why. Teachers were not patient at all and shouted at me often, calling me lazy. As a result I think I grew up feeling inferior to everyone else so I now struggle to open up to others. Why would they want to hear about my life when they’re so much better than me?

I'm shy, introverted, have social anxiety and low self esteem all at the same time.

For me, it's a combination of fear, trauma and low self-worth. I had a very critical mother. She laughed when she heard me singing, so I never sang in front of anyone again. She made fun of my drawings, so I never showed anyone anything I created since. If I got 98% in something she would want to know what I did wrong with the other 2%, so I never voluntarily share my achievements and if people do know about it and mention it to me, I don't know how to handle it. Being that sensitive as a child meant I got bullied badly, which meant every other aspect of my life was a source of shame and humiliation.

Only my best friends and DH know anything about me, but not everything.

I think in my case having a horrible childhood has led to me being fiercely independent and I feel like no one really gives a shit about anyone else (except their children in most cases) so can’t be bothered to open up to anyone, all just seems really pointless.

I’m similar. My reasoning is partly not wanting to be the centre of attention but also being pretty certain no one would be interested anyway.
@BlueEyedPeanut same here. Yonks ago when I did my GCSEs my parents focused on the one exam I failed rather than the excellent grades in everything else.
Sucked the joy out of everything and made me feel grateful if anyone liked me or did anything nice for me. Now it’s just a protective mechanism to avoid being humiliated.

I'm a very private person IRL. I learnt the hard way about opening up with colleagues and people I thought were friends,. Now it's just on here or to 3 lifelong friends that I will chat freely.

What about authors who write memoirs?

Sharing can be a form of giving

I'd hate to be paranoid, closed up and shut away

You don't have to be a flaming attention seeking extrovert and it's possible to share and have an open heart whilst being introverted too

I couldn't trust or warm to a completely closed book

Because I've had too many people use personal stuff against me over the years. So now I reveal just enough and keep my own counsel on the rest.

Because I have always felt that if I wanted to people to know about me, they'd be in my life. If not, I dont want to feed their desires to gossip

Im a very privet person no SM at all never liked it anyway.
I think for me it was because i was in a very abusive relationship many years ago.
And growing up with a abusive mother that would tell everyone everything plus
ten lies on it.
Never being believed and always told to shut up.
And being bullied at school by teachers and students.
I dont trust people thats for sure.
I keep a low profile.

And it really does drive some mad when they just dont know what your doing because i dont share my life on line.
No one knows what i do or where i go.
I dont mean i dont have fun or have friends coz i do but i only tell them what i want to tell i have friends that overshare and everything goes online.
Makes me think im the lucky one.

I'm a private person. I don't feel the need to share so it's not something I question. I find most problems aren't solvable by sharing them anyway. I don't want people's pity as it makes me uncomfortable and wouldn't want to feel beholden to anyone. My sister is the absolute opposite and tells me more than I will ever need to know about anything. 😂

I think you’ve described me quite well. I think mine stems from a lack of attachment to my mother. My very very few childhood memories of her are overtly negative. There are hardly any pics of me as a child. I’ve been through some traumatic stuff and I just don’t trust people to stay around. I very easily detach and let people go also. I also hate being a burden and so will battle through things alone.

I am a private person and I just think I prefer to keep my own counsel where possible. I don't do social media and I only really have one or two people I really open up to and then only in person.

I think my neighbours don't even know what I do for a living while I know what they do, I think one neighbour got annoyed at me because she was always moaning about her husband and I think she wanted me to join in slagging mine off. I have no reason to do this to my DH but even if I did I wouldn't be slagging him off to her nor do I share information about my finances with others which many seem to do.

I am an introvert but not especially shy or anxious I just do my own thing and suit myself. I am interested in people and I can be a good listener but I find most people do not really want someone to actually converse with but just someone who will let them sound off and be complicit or agreeable.

I don't have any need to be seen or validated as other posters mention. I suppose I do tend to keep my cards close to my chest but that is just how I like to process things internally and quietly. My mum who is very outwardly emotive used to say of me "still waters run deep with that one" and that is possibly true.

Its just my temperament really, I'm an artist and so my work is my outlet.

You saw with the sad coverage when Nicola Bulley went missing that people trawled through her, her husband, her friends and her employer's social media looking for clues.

It's similar with the recent Big Brother contestant. An investigative company was employed to carry out a search of social media posts. They still missed the offensive posts she made that have now come to light.

People post pictures of their kids in branded school uniform on social media. They have no idea who has access to those images/that information.

I wouldn't say I was particularly private but I do not have social media. Anything in your e-footprint could be found and shared.