If you are a very private person - why?

[Hiddenawaytoday]

I’m generally a very private person. I have a few close friends that I enjoy being open with but seem to have an almost pathological avoidance of revealing myself to people I don’t know so well. I’m going through a tough time at the moment, and I’m finding it really difficult to open up about it to people who could help me get support (even though those people actually know what happened to me, just don’t know that I’m currently struggling with it). I get stupidly annoyed with other people who are open about their struggles and therefore get support, while I’m going through something much worse than them but don’t get support.

I seem to shy away from revealing anything about myself, even totally minor inconsequential things like I’ve recently started painting for fun. As well causing me problems with getting support when I need it, it’s making me avoid trying a couple of side hustles/hobbies I would love to explore further, because people might find out about me doing them.

Help me try to understand the psychology of this please! If you are a private person have you ever tried to analyse why?

I have wondered if I’m afraid of judgement – I almost feel ashamed of pinning a flag to any identity. My mother has always been pretty snobbishly judgemental of other people for all sorts of things – life choices, aesthetic tastes, accents - so maybe that has made me shy away from anything that can be judged. There was also a pretty big emphasis on independence (like getting little sympathy for hurts) and not being 'attention seekers' – but maybe those are all fairly standard for an ‘80s upbringing.

Has anyone had any luck with getting over this sort of issue? How did you go about it and if you’ve forced yourself out of that privacy comfort zone, does it get easier with time? I'm feeling pretty paralysed by this at the moment!

Yes to not wanting unsolicited advice! I have had skin problems in the past but really don’t like it when people suggest things to you, often at inappropriate moments so I would never divulge anything for fear of advice being sprung on me. Ditto my personal life. And most things to be honest!

What sort of ‘support’ are you seeking? Friendliness / kindness from colleagues? Help or a listening ear from friends? Professional services?

I had some friendship and bullying issues at primary school and often think people dislike me, or things about me. I don’t seek to make friends or be very open about a lot of things at work. I’ve found this OK but it has some downsides, as PPs highlight.

when i’ve needed it I’ve asked for specific help from my boss, eg adjusted hours (and brielfy told them why) accessed mental health services etc. so if that’s the kind of support you’d like it can be accessed without being a fully ‘open book’!

socially can also be quite ‘guarded’ but choose some people to open up to based on feeling I connect with them and the friendship is balanced etc.

I can relate very much to what OP is saying. I had an untrustworthy mother who would use any information I gave her against me growing up she was also very indiscreet. I'm private as a form of self protection however I'm very comfortable turning to professionals for support if I'm in need as they are bound by a strict code of conduct and ethics and are not connected to my personal life in any way. This is how I balance things out so that I can feel fully supported. I will still confide a limited amount of information when I'm with people I trust but there are limits. Hope this helps!

I don’t mind sharing hobbies etc but I don’t share anything that I’m going through, I’ll health for example. Partly because I don’t want to be judged and mainly because I don’t want to talk about it.

I'm like this. I don't reveal loads in work mainly because main colleague is very nosey. I'm sure she Google mapped my house and possibly drove past it when she knew I was on leave. She tells everyone everything.

I didn't tell work about a major, major illness and procedure that he had because I didn't want to be asked about it all the time.

Wow, some of the judgemental comments hidden in these posts! 😂

I grew up in a very religious environment (catholic).

For some reason, even as a very young child, I didn't believe it, and I learnt to keep bit of myself hidden from people who wouldn't approve.
And this has carried on into my adult life.

I only became super private after having my child. They have never and will never be on any of my social media feeds, it's something they can choose to do once they're old enough. I essentially stopped my already infrequent posting once I had them and I have loved it. It made my circle smaller but infinitely better in quality. I think being private forces you to assess your circle in that way and I've enjoyed the opportunity to.

That's a good question @Loopytiles and I'm not entirely sure. I would like some specific adjustments at work, but also feeling a bit low and would like to feel acknowledgement for what I'm going through. I guess the issues I'm dealing with come from an event that happened quite a few years ago so it feels like the world has forgotten while I'm still struggling alone but unable to talk about it. I would also like to feel confident to explore new activities that I could be judged for, where I know logically that almost all judgements would be very positive.

I can only open to people I trust - so professionals or very close family. Other people I do t trust with anything deeply personal. I’m just not a trusting person. I also don’t feel any need for attention so I never feel a need to tell people things. Being very introverted likely helps explain some of this too. It’s just how I am and I am comfortable with it. There is no right or wrong here, it’s all about what works for the individual.

I agree it’s not good to be paranoid. I don’t share personal stuff with people except my husband and close friends as I don’t feel the need to. I still have fun, engaging conversations with colleagues at work but I like to keep it more surface level. I am not paranoid I just like to confide in a small circle of people. I also really don’t want other peoples advice!!!

I like chatty open people. Truly charming engaging people aren’t over sharers they have a way of engaging people.

The thing I hate is when people “over share” personal things all the time, it can be really exhausting. I had a colleague at work who always tried to get her personal struggles into everything. She saw herself as an activist but I just found it too much. My work has this annoying “bring yourself to work policy” at the moment. It basically just a green light for the over sharers to bore us all to death and think they are being their authentic selves 😆

In terms of memoirs I do like a good celebrity memoir. However I find that sometimes they make me dislike a person I previously found interesting. If you share everything you run the risk of people of putting people off! I liked the queens attitude, never complain, never explain!

If it's causing you problems, is seeking therapy an option for you? It's very common that strategies which have worked for us for a while become less effective, and therapy can help with that.

I'm really private. I was badly emotionally abused for my whole childhood so I've always assumed it was related to that. I've never managed to get over it, I presume I would have to have counseling or something and the thought of opening myself up like that makes me want to crawl inside out so I just live with it.

To get this you would have to speak to your line manager. Would you feel able to do that? I once had to tell my line manager about medical treatment I was having but no one else in the office knew. It’s possible to keep things restricted.

Because once you’ve said something you can’t take it back, and you have no control over who it’s shared with or what they do with the information. My mother is a terrible gossip and can’t be trusted to keep ANYTHING to herself. She gossips to get attention, to demonstrate how caring she is, to get sympathy… she isn’t a great judge of character or of social situations. The other reason I’m very private is that she thrives on being someone’s “protector”- she loves a scenario where she is the defender of a poor, misunderstood victim, and if she doesn’t find herself in that situation naturally she’ll try to engineer it by creating a victim-telling them that nobody else cares, that they’d be lost without her but she’ll never abandon them, etc. When I realised that was what she was doing, I stopped sharing anything with her that she could use. I don’t like being a victim, and I don’t need to be suffocated like that.

Because once you’ve said something you can’t take it back, and you have no control over who it’s shared with or what they do with the information.

This. For me this is reinforced by hearing private information about other people, shared with me by their friends or relatives. If I know you will tell me stuff that that person probably doesn’t want others to know, you will 100% talk about my stuff with others.

I'm a very private person because I needed to hide for years from a nightmare ex. It's easy to be invisible and someone noone is interested in.

@WingeandCringe - that's my problem! I had a 1:1 with my line manager a couple of weeks ago, all psyched up to say what I needed to say, then didn't manage to say it. I am about to start therapy actually, so hopefully that can be one of the things I try to address.

I am a private person because I have trust issues, thanks to my wonderful parents.
I am 50 now and in the process of freeing myself!

I'm very, very private. Probably partly because I'm inherently a shy person and don't like 'putting myself out there' and opening up to people.

I like having cast iron boundaries. I keep work and home completely separate and I'm friendly but I don't give up much personal info to work colleagues.

Oh and yes I also have trust issues thanks to childhood trauma. In fact that might be the biggest reason why!!

I’m private because my parents were abusive and also gave me zero emotional support. My mother used to enjoy it if she discovered something bad had happened to me or if I failed at something. It would lift her mood. There were no hugs, no words of comfort or support. I was then pushed fully into my shell when I did eventually confide in another relative and she gossiped about me to anyone who would listen. When you can’t trust your own family, I think it’s very hard to trust anyone else.

@Hiddenawaytoday thats so hard. Actually getting the words out can be so difficult. I hope the therapist can help.

I hope you don't mind me somewhat resurrecting this thread but I just wanted to say that I agree with so many of you here. I am another of these 'private people.' I think my reluctance to be open stemmed from a difficult childhood where I had to hide a lot of stuff about my family to the outside world. Sometimes I feel as though I have a sort of sixth sense when people are asking questions trying to sniff around trying to find something out about me and I just basically shut down even more!

How do you navigate friendships? I am very conscious of the fact that for friendships to work you need to be somewhat open but for me it's just... difficult. I think a big part of my privacy with people is also that I just can't really be bothered with the unsolicited advice that follows (as you have posted above) or a barrage of questions about something. I am very independent and prefer to sort things out myself (avoidant attached!).

I did recently try my best to challenge myself to opening up more and decided to tell a friend about a minor issue at work. She was so good natured and well meaning but I just found the whole thing exhausted. I had resolved the issue myself but I found it completely exhausting when she kept 'checking in' for weeks after. I know I'm at fault here - not her!

Honestly, when I think about friendships, I sometimes think I just don't have that major 'social' gene where I'm overly interested or invested in peoples' lives. I have an interest to an extent, of course, but I just find it so exhausting when people message me back and forth about nothing in particular and there's needless questions about what I'm having for dinner or what my 'plans' are on a Monday evening after work. Just being honest

Gosh I am exactly the same OP. For me I think it defo stems from thinking everything I did or wanted would be wrong somehow or judged - either by my mum or by my teenage friends. I have also had situations I have been through alone because I couldn’t ask for help, having postnatal depression being a classic example but other things too, including a near nervous breakdown. I find I am never really authentic apart from with my DH (who is a bit useless at emotional support) as I don’t know how to be.

Can we help with your problem at all?