When did you start leaving your children on their own at home?

[arintingly]

My 7 year old is starting to be asked to be left on his own when we are doing things like dropping the younger one off somewhere.

So far I have said no, but he keeps asking me and it's made me realise that I don't have a clear idea in my mind of when it would be ok

I'm thinking about starting to leave him for up to around half an hour from maybe when he's 8? Then look to build that up to an hour by the time he is 10. Does that seem reasonable? Not sure what others do

I think also it the nspcc guidance is referring to long periods of time it’s more about being left for a while day. There is a massive difference between an 8yo being left for 10 minutes versus a whole day while a parent is working. The former I’d be comfortable with, the latter not.

Precisely. British children aren't inherently less capable than children in other countries, if children can manage to stay home alone or go places by themselves in other countries, they can in Britain too, with the right guidance and parenting.

My 11 yo was left at 10 I think now he's been on his own an hour or so but he wasn't comfortable prior to that.
I wouldnt leave my 7yo on his own even for 20 minutes and even with his brother who is almost 12

Sil was pulled aside by the teacher after 2 weeks at their new school in switzerland to say it was fine she had walked her 6 year old but now he must start walking alone!

Completely depends on the child. I left my oldest once when she was 8, just to pop nextdoor. She's 53, now so no mobile phones or anything, she had locked up.... taking the key,and gone out. For me,it would be when they go to secondary school, and walk on their own. As for being sensible, knowing what to do in a fire, I have been in 2,had fire training at work annually.... the first few moments,you panic! My 12 years old DGS, is fine. A few weeks ago his sister almost 14, let herself in,we were shopping, told her not to cook,touch microwave, she is highly intelligent, but she had decided to cook, the place was covered with chocolate cake ingredients, luckily she hadn't got as far as the oven, we're all electric and her house is gas.

Around 10 years old when I got him a phone so I could contact him if need be. I would leave him for up to an hour while I went food shopping or something. I wouldn't have at age 8.

I come from a different culture which makes this harder for me to judge.

By 12/13, my parents - far from forbidding me to use the oven/cooker - would expect me to have started cooking dinner if I got home earlier than them.

Type of cooker/oven probably makes a difference - I don't think I would have a problem with a 12/13 year old using our oven or cooker, the oven is electric and WiFi enabled so my phone tells me when it's on, the hob is induction and has various safety features (and is obviously much safer than gas)

Yeah I wouldn't want a child using a gas oven/hob unsupervised, feels far more dangerous than electric. We only have electric here and my 12 year old has recently started cooking once a week, although she's still scared of the oven, and will only cook while I'm in the room with her, advising her. She needs more experiencing cooking before I'd be happy with her cooking when no one else is in the house but if she had started cooking younger (she did at 6, but she got fed up of it and stopped after a few months) then she'd be ready younger.

My 12yo makes pasta on the gas hob for her and her sister while I'm at work one evening a week.

They have been cooking using it since they were 7&8 though.

Years of practice certainly makes a difference. And I suppose when I think about it, DD was cooking on gas camping stoves in scouts since she was 7 so perhaps gas isn't so frightening (but I have very little experience with gas cookers, only had one for a couple of years at uni, so I'm scared even myself to use one)

The main thing I would worry about with a gas hob is the fire risk of say leaving a teatowel near the burner. Basically impossible to do that sort of thing on an induction hob.

But to be fair, I was using a gas cooker from a young age and I was fine

Yes, I've worried about gas with DS - he has inattentive ADHD and can be a bit distracted. I tended to insist he only cooks when I'm there. He's a bit older now so it's a bit better, but it is a worry. I need to deal with it though as I'm not doing him any favours by ignoring the issue.

Google “latch key kid syndrome” - children who are left alone at home too young. Unsurprisingly there isn’t a syndrome that affects children called “my parents didn’t leave me alone until I was 11 or 12 syndrome”

It’s the same as leaving babies to cry it out. Just because something is socially acceptable doesn’t mean it’s right and doesn’t mean it isn’t having a negative effect on your child.

Um, helicopter parenting?

The well known fact that children who are not allowed the opportunity to try and fail are often less resilient, less independent and more sensitive?

Have you seen the discussions about over controlling parents creating increased anxiety in children?

There are lots and lots of academic studies on the danger of parents not allowing their children freedom and independence.

Here's an interesting person to look at on Twitter, part of a broader organisation doing research and work in this area here

Left my 8yo for 1.5 hours to take younger sibling to an activity. She was left with the TV on and dinner and never budged from the sofa.

I've never had to leave them to pop to shops or for food shopping - deliveries are quick and easy enough around here (in fact I almost never go to physical food shops).

@Canisaysomething I did have a Google, I didn't really turn up anything relevant to what I am talking about, the articles seem to be about regularly leaving your children for a significant proportion of the day. I'm talking more about up to half an hour, less than that to begin with every now and then. And it wouldn't be for childcare reasons so if he was ever uncomfortable or lonely he could choose to come with us.

But I am keen to understand if I have missed something in the evidence on this.

In general like most parents, I want to get the balance right - I don't want to get to a point where someone knocking at the door is terrifying for my 13 year old, I want them to be resilient and confident children but equally I don't want to push them too fast to independence or compromise their safety.

@arintingly I think you touch on something important there. Too often, there's genuine concern about a genuine issue - eg children being left to their own devices, for too long, at too young an age - and somehow this translates into a refusal to ever leave them at all.

Other similar risk factors might be the fear of predators - it's a genuine fear and we all have to consider it, but too often I see parents almost pathologising this fear, giving it to their children, and massively restricting their children as a result to a level that is not healthy for them.

The middle ground is missing. The understanding that independence doesn't just happen overnight but is built up over time. It's letting your 5 year old go ahead of you as you're walking down the final path to get to school, then going into the local cafe while you wait outside, then being allowed to travel the last 100m home after school alone, then spending 10 minutes at home alone while you pop to the post box etc.

@BlingLoving yes exactly!

I know what I am trying to achieve but it's difficult to figure out in practice what's building independence and what's too far, too fast.

For me, cultural differences don't help - I was given a lot more independence in some ways than seems the norm in the UK so I am maybe coming from a different perspective as well.

For what it's worth, I think the UK gives way too little independence to children and that we're doing them a disservice. DS is just about to turn 13 so we have a LOT of teenage years still to navigate, but his friends' parents are constantly amazed that he calls me to tell me he's off to x or y, or that he routinely arrives back at home dead on whatever time I've told him to be here.

But he was given independence, in small amounts, quite young albeit with very clear boundaries and guidelines that we tried to drum into him as standard - no different to always looking before you cross the road, or saying please and thank you. Consequences were also clear and consistent. So far (fingers crossed) it seems to be working.

Although, as I said, he's in year 8 - who knows what might backfire later!

I worked in an ED dept of a big General hospital for 5 years,if you had seen what I have you would be so glib.

I started leaving my 7 year old for 5-10 minutes last year while I popped to pick up or drop off her younger brother. Now she's 8 I've left her for up to 25 minutes on a handful of occasions. She already walks and cycles around independently so I'm happy with that for now. I wouldn't go up to an hour yet but maybe when she's 9.

My 6 year old has been 10 minutes with his big sister but never all by himself.

They know all our neighbours and are in and out of some of their houses anyway (playing with the children) and I always tell them that they can go out and find a neighbour if something happens that they don't feel able to handle, but they've never done that.

I think we are lucky to have so many neighbours that we are all friends with. We know all the families in our building and the next two buildings and our kids are all playmates. So it never really feels like they are alone if I pop out briefly. We all look out for all the kids.

My post should have read "you would NOT be so glib"!

SIL worked in a similar sort of environment for a while. It was terribly unhealthy for her because she became convinced that these terrible things you see are normal and every day. She's always been a bit paranoid, but it got completely out of hand at one point - she was almost paralysed with fear in her own home.

I'm not disputing that terrible accidents and things happen, it's totally true. But on that basis, if you worked in an ER do you immediately stop driving because of the bad car accidents and injuries you see as a result?

Everything has to be risk assessed as much as possible. I know I will feel awful if anything happens to my children. I also know that if I live with that constant fear I am disadvantaging them.