You’re out for a coffee, cake and people watching in a cafe, what annoys you and spoils the experience?

[Britpopbaby]

People who “talk” so loudly that even in a busy cafe you can follow their full conversation.

Hostile air conditioning

This thread is the first time I've come across the phrase "performance parenting" 🤦🏻‍♀️ and I can't believe the examples given!
Getting out to a coffee shop might be the most exciting part of my day with my 11 week old baby, and when you spend all your time with a baby or child that cannot respond you do end up narrating what ever it is you are doing... there isn't really another way to talk to a child who cannot respond. But she does engage with me, she will watch me talk and smile, and this is a great way to encourage communication development.
Look up "motherese/parentese" (aka baby talk), it is actually very important for language development and that's why so many people naturally talk to children like this.
Maybe there are some people who are doing this to perform, but I would bet most are just trying to stay sane and should not feel they need to spend the day either silent or at home!

There is a very big difference between what you are describing and performance parenting. PP is a display put on to show those around you what a great parent you are.

And once again, for the new comers, performance parenting isn't simply talking to your child.

Performance parenting is when you aren't doing it for your child, but rather in the hope that strangers in the cafe will notice/comment on what a brilliant parent you are. You can spot a pp by a raised voice, plus the quick glances round the room to check who's listening.

I’ve always called it loud parenting, and it is very annoying.

However, at the other end of the scale, it makes me feel really sad when I see parents/adults ignoring children who are trying to communicate with them because they’re too busy looking at their phones. Not just for a few minutes to return a text, because we all have to do that, but just scrolling to pass the time. A childminder comes into the library where I work, plonks the children down, and ignores them for a an hour or so whilst she reads the whole of Facebook.

When you're out by yourself and have to buy something before you sit down. Then when you do, there are no tables left. (Also annoying when you're out with small kids)
Dirty tables
Wobbly tables
Dry cake
People on phones or tablets on speaker
Bad coffee

I think there's a world of difference between engaging your child and performance parenting. I used to chat away to mine all the time. Just a few little observations here and there, not a running commentary, and certainly not in an environment where people wanted some peace and quiet. Performance parenting tends to be loud and somewhat relentless. The clue's in the name. Parents who have to turn every single lived experience or small event into an educational opportunity. And it carries on through as the child gets older and is coaxed to display their amazing knowledge of the world around them by answering constant questions. Just let the poor child and everyone else have a break for half an hour while you drink your coffee.

Yes my understanding of performance parenting is not someone talking to their child, that’s lovely and obviously completely normal. I think performance parenting is when it’s done very loudly, it’s completely over the top and inconveniences other people.

Most parents don’t do it ime but I saw a classic example few weeks ago. Was in a pub in the evening, busy, lots of people waiting at the bar. Dad was there with his toddler, they were at a big table in a big family group. Every time he went to the bar he walked her up with him, sat her on the bar, which she kept trying to crawl along, and then when he got served did a whole “Right then Olivia can you show the the lady which beer Daddy likes, can you point to which one Grandad likes? Yes that’s right good girl, can you ask for orange juice yes orange, can you say that? Right how many drinks have we got? Can you count them, no don’t put your feet on the bar, oh you’ve done it anyway hahahaha, can you count? One, two three four. Shall we ask for a straw? Do you want to ask? Can you say straw please? Do you want to pay , here’s the card, do you want to hold it to the machine, no not like that let’s try again, say thank you to the lady, say thanK you”. It went on for ages whilst everyone else waited and silently seethed and the bar person looked mightily pissed off. After all of that he then sent Olivia, who was no more than 2, tottering back to the table holding a glass (yes a glass) full of juice. I judged that and all the people waiting for their drinks did as well but I suppose she now knows how to order a beer 🤷🏻‍♀️

Being denied a Betty's Yorkshire curd tart (other YTCs are available but are NOT AS GOOD) by a faffing friend would make me feel stabby.

It's perfectly possible to chat with you baby/child in a voice that can't be heard three tables away. I know because I managed it all of the time, it's really easy. And there's absolutely no need to keep up a relentless stream of dialogue either. It's just as beneficial for your baby/child to learn the pauses and the ebb and flow of natural conversation. And it gives them time to absorb what is also going on around them too.

Ignore them! Most of the examples (if real) sound like lovely attentive parents imo.

And honestly, if the parents are doing it to 'perform' it's only benefitting the children anyway because they're learning how to communicate.

Yep this!

Why bother leaving the house if you cannot tolerate the world outside

Performance parenting is not the just normal talking to your child. It's the doing it 20 decibels louder than is needed, the checking around that people are watching your perfect display of parenting, its the subtle (loud) bragging of little hugo's many many accomplishments ("Hugo darling, when we get home we MUST ring Grannywanny and let her know that can count to ten in 42 languages now even though you're only 9 weeks old"). Not, "Hugo, I'm just getting a cup of tea and a cake, we'll get you a croissant and sit over there" at a normal volume and normal subject matter. Not "lets cut your croissant up, do you want some butter", but "OK Hugo how to we spell croissant? C R O I S S A N T. Can you sign that Hugo? And how do we ask for a croissant when we are in France?" much louder than is needed, with the glances to check that people are in awe of your parenting. They're the same one at gatherings that will call Hugo to the group of adults, and make everyone sit there and watching little Hugo perform a 10 minute Shakespeare soliloquy at 5.

I can say hand-on-heart that I have genuinely only really observed that particularly type of slightly panicked, needless complication of everything in relatively posh/upper middle class families. It's not just about the size of the family, either - the size of the family is more just relevant to dominating a space, but a family of four can also be very loud, dithery and constantly fussing in that very stressful way.

Regarding a PP about the faffing family, I couldn't agree more. Why is it such a performance? I will admit that I love people watching (airports are top tier for this!) and that I find faffing families entertaining rather than annoying, because thankfully it ain't my family. But bloody hell, such a faffing performance.

Hard agree. Entertaining to watch. Blood boiling to be affected by!

Other customers being rude or aggressive to the staff.

Being with my mum, who's a devil for not realising that other people can hear her when she makes personal comments about their body shape/table manners/children's behaviour. I'm always a little on edge.

The coffee being rancid.

Literally nothing in their comment suggests that the poster believes they're the only one doing it ‘the right way.’ What a strangely aggressive response to an innocuous comment.

Absolutely. I’m a former SALT and motherese is a world away from a loud monologue directed at a baby.

I do have some experience in the area of language development, and just talking ‘at’ your child all the time isn’t the best way for speech to develop.

Children’s hearing is in the most part, quite good and especially out in a cafe they can hear a lot going on. Everything I doesn’t need to be scripted.

Children are not ‘sponges’ - that’s a bit of a well meaning but misleading term - they are interactive beings who respond to what they attend to. They attend to what they are interested in. Which is usually faces and people, novel and interesting to them.

Speech develops from a basis of non verbal language, and a to and fro often from parent to child. It’s the responsiveness of parents to their children that is key, not how much they are talked at. So a parent who responds to their child and their world will be more helpful in language development, which can be with a smile and fewer words, but words that are meaningful, responsive to the child.

So a parent noticing a toddler looking at the cakes could say ‘mmm delicious cakes’ with a smile. And then anticipating that they will respond with a smile or a word. And listening to that.

Which is better for language acquisition than a parent with a toddler looking at cakes, ignoring what they are doing and just loudly saying ‘Ophelia look at all those lovely coffees… which will I choose the latte. What do you want darling? Oh the table over there, let’s get that table John, can we have the one in the corner? Oh no, not that one, let’s get this one. Can we clean it yes. Don’t look at those cakes Ophelia come sit down. Waitress can we please have this table cleaned and can we have water and hot milk. Make that oat milk.’

Absolutely, and so much better than the parent who sits on their phone and doesn't interact at all or the child with the phone.

No wonder there are so many children identified with delayed language as they start school.

So many people on here struggle with comprehension they might be better off spending some more time on their phones making sure they're understanding what they're reading.

If you mean my lack of understanding, it has failed again….

What do you mean?

Bombarding your baby with a relentless stream of verbals really isn't going to encourage them to speak or improve their vocabulary. It's just too much for them to absorb. So they quickly just switch off and all they hear is "Wah wah wah wah", like the adults speaking in the Peanuts cartoons. It really doesn't benefit them developmentally or lingustically.

It has been explained over and over again what performance parenting is, speech therapists have explained why it doesn't help the child, it has been said repeatedly performance parenting isn't just someone interacting with their child but still people keep replying as though everyone is saying no one must ever speak to a child in public.