Page 14 | You’re out for a coffee, cake and people watching in a cafe, what annoys you and spoils the experience?

Britpopbaby · 2023-10-31T14:50:20+00:00

People who “talk” so loudly that even in a busy cafe you can follow their full conversation.

Ididivfama · 31/10/2023 20:53

PinkRoses1245 · 31/10/2023 14:51

People on phone calls using loudspeaker or Facetime, even with headphones, so annoying!

Yep and especially very loud work calls.

sqirrelfriends · 31/10/2023 20:57

ElevenSeven · 31/10/2023 14:53

Parents at the next table giving a lovely performance. Hugo, would you like a babyccino? Hugo is that nice? Hugo is that yummy? You like that don’t you my darling! Mummy’s having a coffee, shall I cut you a piece of this croissant? This is lovely, isn’t it? Do you like your yummy croissant? Do you need the toilet? Let’s have our yummy croissant then go to the toilet, shall we darling?

I didn’t know talking to your children was a performance.

ATerrorofLeftovers · 31/10/2023 20:58

People who breeze through the front door and fail to shut it, leaving me sitting in a draught getting cold, so I have to get up and shut it. They’re always oblivious. I’m there to relax, I’m not a doorman.

HonoriaLucastaDelagardie · 31/10/2023 21:25

People who breeze through the front door and fail to shut it, leaving me sitting in a draught getting cold

I once worked in a shop. The number of customers who could not shut the bloody door behind them on their way out - I was constantly getting up from my seat behind the counter to go and shut it, if I didnt want to freeze.

Jk987 · 31/10/2023 21:36

Waiting ages for service. Tables and chairs too close to each other so it feels cramped. Small cups of tea instead of a big mug.

Bookist · 31/10/2023 21:38

ManateeFair · 31/10/2023 17:28

I think that for me, the thing that annoys me most is when you get a family group coming into a cafe and just making such a massive unnecessary faff out of the entire experience, and somehow managing to dominate the entire space with their endless fussing and dithering. For example, four adults, four kids and a baby come in, stand around everyone's way for a bit saying 'Oh, are there enough tables? I'm not sure there are. Perhaps we could push two together. Perhaps Ophelia could sit on your lap? Oh wait, are these people going? Yes, wait a minute, Toby, we're going to sit down soon and then Daddy will take you to the toilet - Guy! Guy! Can you grab that table and perhaps ask the waitress to clear it so we can push these two together? Right, now, Ophelia, you sit here and Jago, do you want to sit here with Toby or - OK, Toby, well, perhaps if you ask Mummy nicely she might swap chairs with you so you can have the one with the blue cushion... Jago! Jago, take your coat off please, darling? Would you like Daddy to get your gilet out of the backpack, if you're cold? Guy! Can you find Jago's gilet for him please?"

This goes on at top volume for about 20 solid minutes while every member of the party, adults and children, moves seats about four times, then there is a 20-minute debate about what everyone would like to eat with endless negotiations and questions, then one of the adults goes up to the counter to order and then calls loudly over their shoulder to the other people at the table for clarification on every single thing while a massive queue builds up.

"Right, so, could we get three flat white coffees, please - wait a moment - Izzy? Did you want decaf, darling? Ok - so, two ordinary and one decaf, then - sorry, wait a second - GUY? GUY? Did you say you wanted tea? Oh he's taken Jago to the toilet, has he? Ophelia, did Daddy want tea, do you know? And what cakes do you have please? Right, OK - children? They've got blueberry muffins, lemon drizzle, Victoria sponge and chocolate brownie, which do you all want? What's that Toby? I don't know if the brownie will be like the one you had at Oliver's party, no, I expect it will be quite similar - well, no, darling, I don't they do have any Bakewell tart but I'm sure you'd like the muffin, although they're quite large... Ophelia, are you sure that's what you want because I don't think you'll be able to finish it?"

[everyone in cafe loses the will to live and is shouting 'JUST FUCKING ORDER AND SIT DOWN' silently in their own heads]

These sorts of families are also a nightmare when checking in at airports or taking their seats on an intercity train. SO MUCH FUSS. SO MUCH NEEDLESS COMPLICATION. SO MUCH WET, CLUELESS DITHERING OVER NOTHING.

I think I'm in love with you!

Witnessed a near identical performance recently with a large family group, except these had two dogs in tow to add to the chaos. It was the endless debating with the young children over which chair, cup, drink, cake, spoon, napkin they wanted. It was exhausting just to observe.

My private theory is that these families actually have nothing to actually chat about together. So they try to fill the silence with this constant stream of verbal nothingness.

Spookymormonhelldream · 31/10/2023 21:40

Dirty tables, crumbs, spills, plates not cleared away. Grotty loo. Not enough paper napkins.

Saschka · 31/10/2023 21:42

A fucking dog coming over to beg at the table, or try to wander around under my table, or try to get stuff off my table. Use a lead, if your dog is that badly behaved and food obsessed. Your greedy labradoodle trying to get at my cake isn’t “cute”.

ATerrorofLeftovers · 31/10/2023 21:45

HonoriaLucastaDelagardie · 31/10/2023 21:25

People who breeze through the front door and fail to shut it, leaving me sitting in a draught getting cold

I once worked in a shop. The number of customers who could not shut the bloody door behind them on their way out - I was constantly getting up from my seat behind the counter to go and shut it, if I didnt want to freeze.

I don’t know how you stood it. So many people out there completely unconscious of their effect on others and the world around them. Like half the population needs mental wing mirrors.

Goddessonahighway · 31/10/2023 21:54

@ManateeFair. You've been people watching me and my family! I despair at the faff too, and I can only apologise 😆I have recently started making notes on the phone to be slightly more organised at the counter.

My pet peeve are grumpy staff, however maybe they are just reacting to the faff levels...

SwordToFlamethrower · 31/10/2023 22:02

Dogs. Dogs barking.

mondaytosunday · 31/10/2023 22:05

People who have had a coffee but then sit there for another hour on a table for four working on their laptop when the place is crowded. Or any table. Fine if you want to work in a cafe but at least order something and maybe not go during busy meal times.
Ditto people who have finished but sit there chatting for another 45 minutes when there are people waiting.

Olive19741205 · 31/10/2023 23:17

guineakoo · 31/10/2023 20:34

This is what you are actually advised to do with pre-verbal or very young children... narrate everything you are doing and everything that's going on around them, even if they can't reply. It can bring on language development in leaps and bounds. I talk to my daughter in public and it's not performative - I don't care who hears or doesn't hear me. It's just a habit I've formed and it's so intuitive now I sometimes catch myself narrating what I'm doing when she's not even there haha.

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The fucking arrogance of this. To believe that no-one else but you is doing it 'the right way'.

Falzarega · 31/10/2023 23:29

The cafe is empty apart from me and my chikd. A fat ugly man comes and sits at the table next to us, turns his chair until he is directly facing us (so he is side-on to his table) and stares at me, silently, blank-eyed, for the 10 minutes it takes me to get my DC to eat up and go.

It really creeped me out. I assume he had some kinda special needs but there was such a “I’m gonna stab someone, maybe you” vibe coming off him.

ZZSpot · 31/10/2023 23:29

Oh and another thing that makes me rage. Cafes that close at 3-4pm. Particularly in the summer when people are thinking they might like an afternoon tea and cake or an ice cream. What is the point?

JenniferBooth · 31/10/2023 23:56

The explosive diarrhoea afterwards because none of them will do lactose free.

Bigcoatweather · 01/11/2023 00:15

Loud music and dogs. I say this as an owner of two dogs.
Oh, and wobbly tables.

Northernsouloldies · 01/11/2023 00:16

Thorpurpuk · 31/10/2023 16:18

Well could you speak louder next time please, because I enjoy listening to other people's conversations in cafes and you're being very inconsiderate by denying me that pleasure.

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If I'm on my own I do enjoy an earwig in other people's conversations especially if it's hushed tones. 😁.. I'm a nosey bugger.

HopefulSeller · 01/11/2023 00:16

Ha ha yes the families and the weird performative mothers fussing and organising!

Have been a single mum so we have to just humble ourselves… ha ha.

I do often think it’s a strange ‘look at us, we’ve arrived, we are proper people with kids look, we are the centre of civilization and we have achieved the required status of family, make way!’

MrsGalloway · 01/11/2023 00:33

ManateeFair · 31/10/2023 17:28

I think that for me, the thing that annoys me most is when you get a family group coming into a cafe and just making such a massive unnecessary faff out of the entire experience, and somehow managing to dominate the entire space with their endless fussing and dithering. For example, four adults, four kids and a baby come in, stand around everyone's way for a bit saying 'Oh, are there enough tables? I'm not sure there are. Perhaps we could push two together. Perhaps Ophelia could sit on your lap? Oh wait, are these people going? Yes, wait a minute, Toby, we're going to sit down soon and then Daddy will take you to the toilet - Guy! Guy! Can you grab that table and perhaps ask the waitress to clear it so we can push these two together? Right, now, Ophelia, you sit here and Jago, do you want to sit here with Toby or - OK, Toby, well, perhaps if you ask Mummy nicely she might swap chairs with you so you can have the one with the blue cushion... Jago! Jago, take your coat off please, darling? Would you like Daddy to get your gilet out of the backpack, if you're cold? Guy! Can you find Jago's gilet for him please?"

This goes on at top volume for about 20 solid minutes while every member of the party, adults and children, moves seats about four times, then there is a 20-minute debate about what everyone would like to eat with endless negotiations and questions, then one of the adults goes up to the counter to order and then calls loudly over their shoulder to the other people at the table for clarification on every single thing while a massive queue builds up.

"Right, so, could we get three flat white coffees, please - wait a moment - Izzy? Did you want decaf, darling? Ok - so, two ordinary and one decaf, then - sorry, wait a second - GUY? GUY? Did you say you wanted tea? Oh he's taken Jago to the toilet, has he? Ophelia, did Daddy want tea, do you know? And what cakes do you have please? Right, OK - children? They've got blueberry muffins, lemon drizzle, Victoria sponge and chocolate brownie, which do you all want? What's that Toby? I don't know if the brownie will be like the one you had at Oliver's party, no, I expect it will be quite similar - well, no, darling, I don't they do have any Bakewell tart but I'm sure you'd like the muffin, although they're quite large... Ophelia, are you sure that's what you want because I don't think you'll be able to finish it?"

[everyone in cafe loses the will to live and is shouting 'JUST FUCKING ORDER AND SIT DOWN' silently in their own heads]

These sorts of families are also a nightmare when checking in at airports or taking their seats on an intercity train. SO MUCH FUSS. SO MUCH NEEDLESS COMPLICATION. SO MUCH WET, CLUELESS DITHERING OVER NOTHING.

Ahhh yes this, know exactly what you mean and it drives me bonkers. I was recently at a Uni open day with DD and we were behind grown up version of Ophelia/Jago and Mummy. Huge queue in the cafe, buffet style hot food so all out on counter, limited time because everyone was booked into the next session. Did either Ophelia or parent listen to the server telling the 3 people in front of them that they were all out of vegetable cannelloni? No. Did they ask if they could check if they had some in the kitchen? Yes (they did not) Did they then decide to ask if various changes could be made to the prepared stuff in front of therm (it could not). I was getting royally pissed off with them both especially when it appeared to come as a complete surprise that they had to pay and then they interrupted me when I was finally at the front of the queue to ask the poor poor server further questions about cutlery, napkins, salt etc. They then proceeded to wander round the entire cafe getting in everyones way in a bid to find the best table. DD was rolling her eyes at my obvious annoyance but, as I said to her, when you’re 47 and you feel like you’ve been queuing behind these people for decades you start to lose your patience.

CherryMyBrandy · 01/11/2023 00:36

Cigarette smoke or vape clouds blowing in from outside.

LightDrizzle · 01/11/2023 00:43

Tablets or phones blaring without headphones.

Piped music consisting of dreadful breathy, covers of brilliant songs. They will turn anything into this slow tempo, anodyne dirge. You hear it in the U.K. but it’s an epidemic here in Portugal in coffee shops, bars and restaurants pitched above mom & pop level.

Girasoli · 01/11/2023 06:36

I'm not sure there is good way to take DC out to a cafe anymore 😄
innane chatter to keep them occupied = performance parenting
give them a screen = not teaching them social skills
let them run around (I wouldn't actually do this one) = dangerous.

Anyways, I dislike sticky tables and when they leave the door open and let a draft in.

ATerrorofLeftovers · 01/11/2023 06:38

Olive19741205 · 31/10/2023 23:17

The fucking arrogance of this. To believe that no-one else but you is doing it 'the right way'.

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It’s not arrogance as far as I can see. We were advised to do this by speech and language when DD was a bit behind with talking. It really did help, as you’re putting the words to what they’re doing and seeing and making it easier for them to link the two. I can see how it would be annoying to have to overhear, though!

arethereanyleftatall · 01/11/2023 08:20

'This is what you are actually advised to do with pre-verbal or very young children... narrate everything you are doing and everything that's going on around them, even if they can't reply. It can bring on language development in leaps and bounds. I talk to my daughter in public and it's not performative - I don't care who hears or doesn't hear me. It's just a habit I've formed and it's so intuitive now I sometimes catch myself narrating what I'm doing when she's not even there haha.'

So presumably you do it all the time at home too @guineakoo ?

'Shall I make your porridge Olivia? I'll just pop it in the microwave for 2 minutes. You know that's 120 seconds don't you? Microwaves work by an electron tube called a magnetron. The microwaves are reflected within the metal interior of the oven where they are absorbed by food. Microwaves cause water molecules in food to vibrate, producing heat that cooks the food. Oh listen, it's pinging now. It's ready. Right, I'll just get your blueberries.'

And on and on, all day long? Because unless you carry it on all day long, narrating every single thing you do, why would you choose to do it in a cafe where you know people will be in there wanting to enjoy a quiet coffee, rather than maybe just letting her absorb the sights and other sounds in a cafe, and then doing your monologue to her at home?