Dead in bed and undiscovered for 20 years!

[RallyRallyAppreciateIt]

He had family, yet this man lay dead in bed for 20 years. So awful for them to think for all those years that he had gone nc, only to discover he had actually died and no one knew!

https://www.breakingnews.ie/ireland/cork-inquest-hears-mans-body-lay-undiscovered-for-20-years-1543934.html#:~:text=He%20was%20discovered%20under%20a,allow%20Rentokil%20to%20go%20in.

Thanks but I’m too ‘high functioning’ to be eligible for any support or intervention. An understanding friend or two would be lovely but I’m just too shit at it. I will probably just check myself out at some point once my parents and cats are gone and I’ve got everything in order.

Please elaborate - genuinely very interested

Please elaborate - genuinely very interested

Really, pay no need to this.

@PostItInABook that sounds concerning I don’t know if you are being very clear sighted or are depressed. Would seeing your GP be an option? They can explore counselling, maybe social prescribing to address your isolation.

Thanks but I’m too ‘high functioning’ to be eligible for any support or intervention. An understanding friend or two would be lovely but I’m just too shit at it. I will probably just check myself out at some point once my parents and cats are gone and I’ve got everything in order.

This is really sad 💔

Could you discuss this with your GP? On a practical note, there are many steps that can be taken to avoid this (which hopefully with be needed any time soon).

Emotionally, in terms of your current isolation, are there interests you have that would lead you to a shared activity or a group?

We don't have water bills in Ireland. The government tried to introduce water charges but there was massive opposition to the plans, so the government backed off.

He lived in a small town in Cork. My guess is that there's no gas where he lives. He probably used home heating oil which you order as needed.

I'm assuming the ESB (or other electricity supplier) cut him off when his bills went unpaid.

“Last year 16,100 UK citizens came to Ireland, compared to 14,200 Irish who moved over. In 2022, there were around 118,600 British citizens living in Ireland, according to the Central Statistics Office.” https://www.corkbeo.ie/news/property/london-times-says-brits-ditching-26730697#google_vignette Since the Queen s visit, I think those attitudes are dying off..

Well, or just that he had no local roots or connections, which might have meant people registered him more fully and would have noticed his absence? I imagine if he’d moved from the UK to where he was born in Cahersiveen, as well as having one sibling nearby, he’d have been remembered as X and Y’s son, or ‘one of the O’Sullivans from townland X’, no matter how reluctant he was to engage with other people. (His UK-born sister moved back to smalltown Kerry.) But for someone who appears to have deliberately kept away from others, and who had roots in another country, it was easy to think he’d just moved back, especially if he wasn’t the type to have told anyone about his plans.

Mallow has changed a lot, too. Commuter town for Cork these days.

I’m not depressed. Just being realistic. It won’t happen for a good few years yet as my parents (and cats) are very healthy. I suppose you would call those my ‘protective factors’.

My GP is not of the ilk that accepts someone approaching to chat about this stuff. Think ‘well, you don’t look autistic’ and ‘it’s because you’re obese’ as responses to basically anything you go to the doctor for 😂.

I do try to ‘put myself out there’ as they say but the older I get the more difficult it seems to become. I make many plans to attend this club or that club but struggle to actually do it. I think I’m resigned to just bumbling along, doing what I can, until the time presents itself.

Thank you though, very much, for your responses.

Many people are alone with no one in the world.

Myparents are dead and I have no brothers or sisters. Cousins in Australia and New Zealand who I have very little contact with. A much older cousin in London who I can go months without contact with although we get on very well.

If it wasn't for DH, I'd have no one who would notice if I disappeared- especially if I had moved abroad and lived somewhere in a small village.

It's very easy to end up anonymous in our society. Most of us pay lip service to really caring about elderly people who are alone or colleagues who have no partner or family. I work with someone who is divorced, in her mid-60s and without children or siblings. She spends every Christmas and most weekends alone, never has a holiday. I occasionally meet her for a coffee on a Saturday or go to the cinema with her. She's very nice but has said to me she feels invisible to others and that most people never ask about her life outside of work. We are having DH's parents and grandma to ours for tea on Boxing Day and I invited her but she said 'No thank you' very politely. It's not that she is doing anything else but she has spent Christmas alone for 25 + years and feels she would be awkward and uncomfortable and it's just easier now to be alone. I'll ask her again nearer the time but I don't think she'll say yes. She retires next year and has no plans at all.

I have a 92 year old aunt (my dad's older brother's wife, not blood relative) who I have done quite a lot for since her husband died but she has fallen out with me because I won't jump to every phone call and demand for this , that or the other. She expects me to do everything she wants done and a) I don't have the time, I work full-time and have 3 small DC and b) I don't want to. I am not inclined to go round at 9.30pm because she can't set her clock or wants her laundry collected and done or has fallen out with her carers and wants me to sort it out at that time of night. She has no relations, apart from my cousin in London who rings her once a year. She will die alone. A carer will probably find her if she doesn't die in hospital. She has a sister who she has no contact with because she said so many nasty things to her, her sister cut all contact.

I could do more to help both of these people but I am choosing not to. Both of them are really lonely. My work colleague is nice but can't see a life outside of being alone and (if I'm honest) I don't want to get into a 'routine' with her where she expects my time. My aunt has upset people all her life and caused upset in my family for decades and I have no desire to be any more involved with her. I am quite relieved to have fallen out of favour with her.

I think it is even harder for men who are alone as they age, or for people who come here from another country and are alone, or for anyone who is vulnerable in some way- perhaps an addict or an alcoholic or suffers from depression or other mental health issue. People don't tend to open their families to others.

This happened in my home town

Fella was in his flat,sat down on the sofa to watch telly and died

About a week later,a group of men broke in,found his body,stole what they could and left without reporting it

He was found 3 months later when my great aunt (who lived in the next flat) had noticed a foul smell but had put it down to drains for some reason (I seem to remember it was winter so he wouldn't have decayed as quick as if it was summer)

It got worse so she rang the council who did nothing so she rang the police,who came out a fortnight later to do a welfare check

Nobody answered,so they left it

She rang back,they broke in after seeing flies at the window and the smell and found him

I don't know if they ever found the thieves but it was all over the local paper at the time

He had no family,no friends etc

Nobody to notice he hadn't picked up his pension (in the days you had a pension book) and nobody noticed he hadn't been seen out and about as he never spoke to anyone apparently

Very sad all round

There was a case like that in Scotland where the mum ODd on drugs and a toddler managed to survive with her body in the house for days by eating packets of crisps and drinking lemonade, there was family strife and she had fallen out of touch with social services or something, the reports suggested that the child had slept close to its mother`s body at night. Both cases are truly chilling, the stuff of nightmares.

My dad's brother vanished in another country in the late 1970s and has never been heard of again. We have no idea what happened to him. He left his family in Australia and wrote them letters which their mother did not give them and then he just stopped. Last heard of in Darwin. My dad and his sister tried to find him through the Salvation Army but couldn't. He'd be in his 80s now. Could still be alive but we have no idea and no way of finding out.

And that's kind of the point of his story - it's very easy to be alone in our society, even when you have 4 siblings, nephews and nieces and a spouse (surely she wondered?)

He lived in a small town in Cork. My guess is that there's no gas where he lives. He probably used home heating oil which you order as needed.

Mallow is actually one of the larger towns in Co Cork. It's only 20 miles or so from Cork city so has grown considerably as many use it as a dormer town.
Many homes in Mallow do use gas for heating and cooking.
All these cases are so very sad. The ones involving the young children are especially heartbreaking.

@TheBunnyLover @CrashyTime Actually I was thinking of Sheila Seleoane but similar in that she was in housing association property, block of flats, TV left on. There have been several others mentioned in this thread though which just shows it happens all too often.
https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/society/2022/jul/18/what-times-we-live-in-that-nobody-missed-her-the-tragedy-of-sheila-seleoane

I’m so glad you have posted this. there are so many assumptions made in these sorts of cases, that the ‘victim’ wanted friends, longed for their family, had been deserted by society, would have welcomed enquiry and concern.

Not for everyone. I am a bit of a recluse, I can imagine that when DH dies ( as he will almost certainly pre decease me) I will just gradually or quickly give up on the rest of the world. I don’t have any family, most of my friends are getting on as well; I wouldn’t welcome random enquiries, though I hope I wouldn’t be rude in dismissing them .

@Wrongsideofpennines thank you-I'd not heard of that one, how sad

I honestly think I might end up being one of these.

I have a long-distance DP but we're on the rocks (current thread is about that), my parents are ageing, I have a much older sibling who'll pre-decease me unless something unusual happens, they have two children 20 years younger than me but we aren't close as I didn't live near them growing up although obviously I love them, they're of no obligation to check on me and are of the age where they may choose to go and live somewhere nowhere near here.

Getting too old for children, have never settled down-if I don't have one in the next couple of years I'll be too old anyway and It's looking unlikely. Lesbian-never married was in the closet for twenty years. Live alone, most friends coupled up and far away. I have a good connection to my local pub but most people I know in there are much younger or older and not close friends more 'have a wine with me' buddies. Closest friend in there is married and a fair bit older-friendships that will fade I guess-they all have people in their lives that they're much closer to than me.

My dog loves me to death but I doubt she'd be quick to alert anyone. Would probably just eat me 😟

@PostItInABook Your GP sounds a bit lame! Don’t want to bombard you with unwanted advice, just sometimes younger, more newly qualified GPs are more sympathetic to problems with a social/ psychological aspect. Glad to hear your DPs are still in good shape.

I'm very sad to read the several posts now of people who think this could be them in the future.

It could potentially be me, but I don't see it being the case - I am a single parent to 3 DC, currently teens and pre-teens. I have very little family support and almost no close friends, though I have lots of acquaintances and casual contacts. I have a large network through work. In true terms though, I'm very 'alone'.

In the future, when my children are adults and pursuing their own lives, I fully plan to create another life for myself, that an abusive marriage and its aftermath prevented. In practical terms, should I reach a point where I consider I don't have a natural route to that support (e.g. no partner or no friends that fit in that category, my kids abroad or similar) I would absolutely make practical arrangements to ensure someone would be aware if I didn't turn up, as well as practical solutions for my care, if I was getting older.

Gently, I think those who think this is possibility for them should be thinking similarly - we do have to take responsibility at a point where we can.

Agreed @EarringsandLipstick . it’s not easy to think about let alone talk about but I suspect many of us need to make those calculations at some point.

Thanks for that article. That's deeply sad. However, very different to this case, really, in that plenty of people were aware of the situation, raised concerns, did as much as they could via the HA and the police, and yet she lay undiscovered. That's much more about systematic failure, and the shocking way in which the tenants overall were treated by Peabody.

@TheGander it's certainly made me think - I didn't remotely think I could find myself in any similar situation until I reflected on other posters' posts. It's true, if you don't have a certain set up e.g. spouse or close, connected family, it's quite easy, especially as you age, for the connectors (like work, via kids etc) to die away.

Despite being a very busy person who knows many people, due to my marriage breakdown and the awfulness that has gone on since, I have few close relationships and they are the ones that are relevant in such situations. Definitely a call to action for me (for the future, rather than now).

I am another who is not shocked. If you vaguely realise that you have not seen a certain local face for a while, are you going to beat down their door? Of course not.

The story of the woman with a toddler is awful. That poor child.

My father died alone in Spain sitting on his sofa. He had a heart attack.
It probably happened during the day as his front door was unlocked and his neighbour found him after ringing the doorbell and not getting a response.
It was years ago and I often think about how sad it was that he died like that with nobody there.