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Original poster

Has a man ever helped you when you were being harrassed/threatened/assaulted by another man?

133 replies

Echobelly · 25/10/2023 18:14

I see a lot of stuff on social media, more usually from the US, about men talking about how they see themselves as 'protectors' of women (hmmmm 🙄) so it got me wondering how common it actually is for a guy to help when they see a woman being obviously harrassed, assaulted or threatened? And were they big macho types (usually the type who makes videos online about how they protect women) or just ordinary guys who helped by noticing?

I've never been in a position where I needed anyone to intervene fortunately... I have been with DH when he went over to a couple having a heated argument to check if the woman was OK (she claimed to be, although didn't look it., and they went off and we hoped at least the guy might lay off now someone had taken noticed) and I know my brother intervened, non physically, when he saw a woman being assaulted, so clearly it does happen. I suspect most of the time it is ordinary blokes just saying something rather than macho men rushing in with fists flying.

OP posts:
Blinky21 · 25/10/2023 22:26

Yes, a guy was hassling me on the night bus, when it got to my stop another guy , who I didnt know had been watching got off a stop early with me to check that I was ok and wasn't being followed home. I'll always remember it as one of the nicest things a stranger has done for me

Zooeyzo · 25/10/2023 23:43

Yes once when I was 19 and a male friend turned pretty nasty. Such a kind man I still remember him.

saraclara · 26/10/2023 00:10

Yep. Twice relatively recently

The first time a guy very calmly walked over and stepped between me and the pest, and told him to 'calm down mate and leave this lady alone...she just wants to get her train' and the pest took the hint.

The second time, a male friend with some mental health issues was yelling at me in the street. A guy walking by caught my eye, held up his phone and gestured calling the police, with a questioning look on his face. He was wise not to challenge my friend as it would have made him worse.

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/10/2023 01:17

sangriapeople · 25/10/2023 22:04

Yes - I was being bothered by a man in Ibiza and another stepped in and told him to sod off.

Nice to see another man-hating thread...not. Yawn.

Well no, women shouldn't get annoyed with men on a thread which is literally about women being attacked by men. Helped as well, but attacked first.

We should smile and parrot NAMALT over and over.

AnnListersBlister · 26/10/2023 01:25

Yes. It was around a year ago and I still reiterate it often as I was so impressed!

I'm in my forties. I was in a pub and a man a bit younger (about 33-35 ish?) was drunk and being a total pest. I sort of 'half know' him, seen and spoken to him before but not friends. He groped the barmaid (same age as me) and tried to give me a hug but brushed across my chest at the same time.

A young man (21 at the time) who I do know as he's lovely, he's in this pub a lot and It's my local, said very calmly 'Mate, if you do that one more time to either (Annlistersblister) or (barmaid) I'm taking you outside! Pack it in!'

I didn't realise that young men saw older women as vulnerable in that way. Sad but true-I didn't expect a young lad to stick up for us like that to a man a lot older than him. I was really quite touched and he went up in my estimation a lot.

brainexplorer · 26/10/2023 01:41

My sister was jumped by a gang of girls on the train and an older middle aged man stepped in. She said he reminded her so much of our dad that she gets upset thinking about it, because there were a lot of them and he could have been badly hurt. Fortunately someone pulled the emergency brake and they got kicked off the train.

Jux · 26/10/2023 01:53

Yes, through most of my teens.

DeepFriedBananas · 26/10/2023 04:06

Twice, many years ago.
The first time was when some men were hassling me and my friends in a nightclub.
A man stepped in to intervene and one of the men who were hassling us slammed a full pint glass into his face, causing horrendous injuries. He's lucky he wasn't blinded!
That ended up in court and his attacker got three years in prison.
I often wonder how the man who was attacked is.
The second time was in a busy pub and as I was squeezing past people to leave, a bloke grabbed my breasts.
Unfortunately for him, one of my older brothers saw it and let's just say, the man would have a hard time trying to grab anyone else's breasts with several broken fingers.

Leftlegwest · 26/10/2023 04:17

Not really. Once incident on a train sticks in my mind. I was on my own, about 19 at the time. Two late teen boys started to harass me, making sexual comments and generally being quite threatening. I was quite clearly not with them and not OK either this. A man asked if I was OK and his girlfriend angrily said through gritted teeth 'don't get involved'. All the other men Kept their eyes firmly on their newspapers. I was terrified. They spent the journey shouting horrible comments down the carriage and watching to see which station I got off at.

WildFlowerBees · 26/10/2023 04:28

Yes my dh did when a woman was being assaulted. Sadly both off their faces on drugs and the guy threatened to stab my dh. Didn't deter him and then a couple of women came and took the lady away.

SprinkleOfSunak · 26/10/2023 04:33

When I was a teenager in a club one night with a large group of friends, a man in his 30’s grabbed hold of me and ran his hands all over my arse. He then rubbed his erection into me and started whispering disgusting things to me.

One of the older male members (around 21) of our party saw what was going on, and he raced over and intervened. He said very loudly and firmly to get his hands off of me, as I was with him. The arsehole tried to minimise what he had been doing and making light of it. A couple of the other guys approached and stood around him in a kind of semi circle. He had the audacity to ask them if any of them were going out with me, and that if they weren’t, then it was none of their business what he did to me. The first guy then grabbed hold of him, and assisted by the others, they moved him to the bouncers who ejected him when they told them what had been going on.

GameOverBoys · 26/10/2023 04:33

Nope, male hotel staff covered up for them once by claiming the cctv footage showed something it didn’t. Other than that it’s always been ignored by other men.

BeauSignoles · 26/10/2023 04:57

no, never. But then, no one was around during the handful of times I’ve been assaulted.

I have pretended to know a young woman who was being harassed on a bus, so I could sit beside her. Everyone else could see what was happening but no one moved. My DP was nearby though so I felt like I had back up.

Festivfrenzy · 26/10/2023 06:01

This thread is so helpful. I think we should collate all the examples of where men have intervened and saved someone and use it in schools.
Men/boys just seem so overwhelmed by pack mentality that they're too afraid to speak out or put themselves in harms way. Safety in numbers though - if it became an ingrained expectation that you had to step in, AND if you saw someone else stepping in you had to loiter to check they were ok, then that would change things hugely- hopefully minimise the risk of violence in the first place.
Boys/men/all of us need examples of what to do in these really common yet really scary situations for women and girls.
First off has to be standing up to domineering mates at school. The thread about the school library manager being assaulted and the kid expelled then unexpelled just shows how violence against women and girls is ignored in this country.
It has to stop- both parents need to be firm but schools especially see pack/gang mentality develop so they should tackle it.
That'd be a perfect role for ex army guys - if they're not needed elsewhere due to other male violence Hmm

ArcticBells · 26/10/2023 06:16

Yes, on a late night train going home after seeing a ballet when I was about 13. The man was drunk and started chatting me up . My mum sat the other side of the aisle with my sisters and watched seemingly oblivious to my discomfort. I was so grateful to the kind older man distracting the drunk from me.

MikeYouAreNext · 26/10/2023 06:43

In Bristol I was being followed by a guy on a bike. I was heading back to my hotel. He just kept circling me. It was about 7 pm. It wasn't dark. No one did anything until a group of men (who were rough as anything) called the guy following all sorts of horrible things and basically chased him off whilst shouting to me if I was alright love. I was but it was a strange and confusing experience. I sort of felt bad but so relieved too.

StarlightLady · 26/10/2023 07:58

I had a man intervene on a bus quite recently when another passenger was saying very graphically what he would like to do with me.

Shodan · 26/10/2023 08:12

Yes, DP did, long before we were together. A man grabbed me quite roughly by the arm as I was walking across the dance floor (Xmas party) and DP appeared as if from nowhere to sort it out. I almost felt sorry for the man because three other men from my group saw the interaction and all went 'on alert'.

But- we all do karate and we're all black belts. Being protective towards others is important to us. I would 100% trust any of them (men or women) to intervene on anyone's behalf.

Brefugee · 26/10/2023 08:14

no. But i have stepped in when I've seen women being harassed. And my DH has done it several times.

Enko · 26/10/2023 08:17

When I worked as waitress on more than one occasion.

Once a bit or alcohol is involved it can get uncomfortable i have had other men step in and tell the one who was harassing me to leave me alone. One case thenguybwho helped me spoke to the boss to make sure none of the female servers were walking home alone as he felt the dude who was harassingnus and got thrown out would try something.

Lobelia123 · 26/10/2023 08:26

Yes, many times. Like Enko, when I was waitressing and men got drunk or inappropriate, other tables almost always stepped in. If not, the male restaurant managers would swing by and set them straight. if they didnt like it they could leave - management were amazingly supportive in that way, I know of many other places where management thought it was a laugh or good for business.

But not just there, on pubic transport, at clubs, sporting events or on the street, men are generally chivalrous and step in when they see other men being assholes....or at least thats been my experience.

Brefugee · 26/10/2023 08:36

sangriapeople · 25/10/2023 22:04

Yes - I was being bothered by a man in Ibiza and another stepped in and told him to sod off.

Nice to see another man-hating thread...not. Yawn.

where are the others? have you reported them?
where's the man hate?
Because what i'm seeing is either "nobody stepped in" or "some men are utterly great at spotting what twats other men can be". Much more of the latter, tbh

Startingagainandagain · 26/10/2023 08:46

Never...

I was targeted by a man on a train.

I am disabled and I was struggling to get on the train while carrying a piece of luggage.

A man literally shoved me out of the way to get in. When I called him out on it for pushing a disabled woman half his size he started swearing at me and tried to intimidate me throughout the journey. No one said anything to help but I stood my ground.

As I was getting off another smiled at me and said ''well done''. All I could think of was 'why didn't you say anything to help me when I was being harrassed then...''

TotalOverhaul · 26/10/2023 19:16

Startingagainandagain · 26/10/2023 08:46

Never...

I was targeted by a man on a train.

I am disabled and I was struggling to get on the train while carrying a piece of luggage.

A man literally shoved me out of the way to get in. When I called him out on it for pushing a disabled woman half his size he started swearing at me and tried to intimidate me throughout the journey. No one said anything to help but I stood my ground.

As I was getting off another smiled at me and said ''well done''. All I could think of was 'why didn't you say anything to help me when I was being harrassed then...''

that's a shame. I once told off a 6'4" man who was being really aggressive to a lone shop assistant who tried to stop him stealing a Mars Bar. I pointed out she was about 4'11 and in the right and his actions were very intimidating. It was interesting that when there were two of us, he backed down.

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/10/2023 20:43

One of my coworkers had the best response to my annoying boss. The coworker was a 6' 4" recovering crack addict who worked shelters with me. We had been told we were to never touch clients. Fair enough. He asked in a meeting if that was also if staff were in trouble. He used the example of a staff member on the floor being assaulted and the only way to stop it would be to touch the client. My manager (who was scared of the clients himself) said "no not even then" and my coworker said, "if you think I won't pull someone off a female staff member you're mistaken. You can sack me afterwards".

He also used to walk us to my car so I could give the other female staff a lift home, including when there was an extremely escalated, violent man out to get us. Good bloke.

There was also a really rough bloke who came to check in at the shelter and told us he was just leaving prison. We didn't react impressed or scared enough so he started to escalate and get quite threatening. He walked towards the lounge, I saw him perk and go in like someone had said something. Came out 5 minutes later, sheepish up to the desk, said, "I apologise for my attitude, it will never happen again". One of the clients we knew came from the lounge soon after and leaned on the counter, grinned and said, "you leave men like him to us love". God knows what the new man had been told, but he stayed told.

I'm often told I'm man-hating on here. But working shelters you meet a lot of good men. Sexist sometimes, but not misogynist.