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Original poster

Help me with this mum friend

130 replies

StrenghtAndFlavour · 24/10/2023 07:14

I don't want to write a very long post about the ins and outs but there is a friend from my home country who I used to be reasonably close friends with. I met her in the UK but she moved back home from the UK about 5 years ago, however she still visits several times a year. Our dc used to be friendly but they have all grown into teens and tweens and mine focus on their own school friends, here in the UK, whom they are rarely able to meet up with due to school and lots of extra curricular activities during term time. DH and I working FT etc. We have an insanely busy family schedule and are only rarely able to socialise with friends, even those we are close to but we do have a small group of friends whom we see regularly, maybe every 4-6 weeks.

Whenever this woman comes to the UK, she drops me an email saying we're coming, let's meet up. She always wants to meet as a family but we don't have the time (or by now the inclination really) to meet as a family. Family meet ups would always be at ours even before they moved away, take hours and just feel too much overall. Especially now that the dc are all older and don't necessarily gel in the same way as when they were little.

If I tell her I can meet for lunch etc, she tells me her dc will be disappointed. When I don't reply to her announcement that she coming to visit the UK soon enough, she texts my dh or her dc texts my dc to ask to meet up.

I can't and don't want to accommodate family get togethers. What do I do? Fade out gently? Be upfront, but how to do this tactfully? She got rather cross with me by text message when I said that only I can meet with her this time, telling me I'm being stubborn. She also got her dc to text mine to check if they want to meet after I had told her that my dc are busy with plans to meet their school friends and won't be able to meet her dc this time. This really annoyed me as I had explicitly said that I can meet her for lunch but that my dc will not be able to meet as they already have plans. Did they expect a different reply? Or did they not believe me that my dc are busy?

Please help me solve this with as little drama as possible, I am feeling stressed and annoyed by her insistence.

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 25/10/2023 17:46

The last time we saw them, I picked them up and drove them back to theirs, they live about 45 minutes drive away.

CF.

Where has been suggested for your coffee meet-up? Does she not drive?

I’d really suggest sending a message saying, ‘as it’s just me, I’ll come to yours for 11am-see you then!’

She can provide the entertainment for once.

Banana1979 · 25/10/2023 21:10

@howdoesyourgardengrowinmay I really couldn’t care less about your opinion 😂

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 25/10/2023 21:33

Banana1979 · 25/10/2023 21:10

@howdoesyourgardengrowinmay I really couldn’t care less about your opinion 😂

I don't need permission to have an opinion. You seem very angry.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
NeedToChangeName · 25/10/2023 22:36

andyourpointiswhat · 24/10/2023 08:59

So your kids are her kids’ entertainment when they come to the UK and without them they would have to find something else to do. This arrangement benefits them but no longer suits your family. As someone with now adult kids who has had to navigate what happens when kids grow up and don’t necessarily want to continue with friendships which they have outgrown just because it suits the adults my advice would be brutal honesty and if that means the end of the friendship so be it. I would message “I appreciate you want to get together as families when you come to the UK but as I am sure you can appreciate our family life goes on when you are not here. As they are growing up our kids now have busy lives (as I’m sure yours have at home) and pursue different interests and are not always available to meet up when you would like to. I value our friendship and would really like it to continue but I really can’t keep making excuses and resent being called stubborn just because I won’t do what you want. It may sometimes be possible for us to meet as families but from now on it it is increasingly unlikely everyone will be free so if I tell you I am only an available to meet one on one for lunch then that is my reality. I’m sorry if you find that difficult but I think it is better to be upfront. I would love to meet you ……….. “. Takes some guts but will sort your issue one way or another.

Great post @andyourpointiswhat

NancyJoan · 25/10/2023 23:15

Stupidly, this time I thought I might try and just meet her for a coffee and chat to give the friendship a chance but she started sending all these messages saying meeting without her dc (who are mid to older teens) doesn't suit her, what about her children

’Oh, that’s a shame. Hopefully you’ll have a bit more time to yourself next time you’re over.’

Proudbitch · 26/10/2023 08:08

If you do meet for coffee/lunch, it sounds like the CF would end up expecting you to pay too!!

Shinyandnew1 · 26/10/2023 09:05

Proudbitch · 26/10/2023 08:08

If you do meet for coffee/lunch, it sounds like the CF would end up expecting you to pay too!!

That is very true! You’ll be paying for her plus all her children she says she’s bringing!

I would definitely suggest popping to hers.

When are you supposed to be meeting?

Original poster
StrenghtAndFlavour · 26/10/2023 09:55

I've made up my mind, I will meet her (and her kids) for lunch tomorrow. I'll gently explain that our situation has changed and we haven't got the time/opportunity to meet all of us and that meeting for coffee without kids is what works for me.

I am expecting that she'll get irate or even angry and make personal digs in which case it will be the last time I see her. If she takes it like a grown up and is happy to move the friendship in a new direction, I will probably meet her for coffee again another time.

I just still can't believe that I have literally hosted her and her family for years and years including, on occasion, giving her lifts and the one time I suggest a different kind of meet up and don't accommodate her wish to visit us, she has a go at me. I mean who does that, especially when we haven't seen each other in over a year?! Also the no frills 'we're coming from x-y date, are you home, we'd like to meet you all'.

However, I'll give this a chance and see if she is willing to socialise in a different way. If not, or if she gives me a hard time, I won't bother with her again. I won't be paying for their food!!

OP posts:
Fleamaker · 26/10/2023 10:31

Sounds a good compromise.
Like you say, nothing stays the same forever. If she kicks up a fuss at just meeting you alone, at least you'll have your answer! in that she was only ever interested in you being her entertainment during her visit.

Shinyandnew1 · 26/10/2023 11:47

Has she agreed to meet you there or is she expecting a lift? When is it?

Don’t pay!

carkerpartridge · 26/10/2023 12:24

Shinyandnew I was just going to say the same!

Op please don't pay or run round after her.

YerArseInParsley · 26/10/2023 17:28

If she becomes irate and make digs tell her to shut her pie hole and leave. Don't sit there and take that.

Let us know how it goes x

MsRosley · 26/10/2023 18:28

Stay firm and DO NOT PAY!

BMW6 · 26/10/2023 18:41

OP text her NOW and tell her that you've been feeling under par and have tested positive for Covid, so cannot meet up in any circumstances.

Oh dear, how sad.

AuntMarch · 27/10/2023 01:03

Late to the thread, but now really want to know how that conversation went!

Proudbitch · 27/10/2023 03:54

Same!!

paddyclampofthethirdkind · 27/10/2023 17:30

Please update us OP!

OneLittleFinger · 27/10/2023 21:48

Shinyandnew1 · 25/10/2023 11:00

A few months and I'd expect you (and your family) to accommodate her

I thinks it’s the ‘accommodating her’ that the OP is objecting to. CF wants to come to her house with her whole family, empty handed, stay for hours and expect food and drink to appear endlessly on tap. I wouldn’t want to accommodate that for anyone-it’s completely one-sided!

Sorry, bad choice of phrase, given the context. I wasn't meaning I'd expect people to offer accommodation, food or anything physical, I'd just hope they had time for a catch-up, given that I was giving them lots of notice. But only if they have nothing else planned.

TheSweetEndOfTheLollipop · 27/10/2023 22:21

I would say DH and the kids are knee deep in DIY. You are SO pleased they are here on holiday, so they can come and do the painting/gardening/cooking to help out like the good family friends they are.
They'll soon run. It will be a v short coffee.

Original poster
StrenghtAndFlavour · 29/10/2023 06:45

We met for lunch on friday and she didn’t bring her dc with her in the end. The conversation went ok but she was completely self absorbed and there was no friendship vibes coming from her at all, no interest or genuine friendliness. I got the distinct sense that she regards me as a means to and end, rather than a friend she cares about.

She showed zero interest in my life, didn’t ask about what’s been happening since we saw each other last, but she was going on about lots of different things she is fed up with in her life.

Due to the way the conversation evolved, I felt relatively relaxed and I told her in no uncertain terms that our situation has changed and we are not around for family meet ups as our schedule is too busy but that it’s nice to be able to meet for lunch/coffee just us every now and again when she is visiting the UK. I told her my dc have other priorities now and are busy with school friends and clubs. I was polite and didn’t make it sound personal. She doesn’t seem to take the hint though as after me reiterating literally 3 times in various ways and with different examples that we are too busy for family meet ups she said ‘maybe it’s possible to meet as a family another time’.

I did also tell her that there was no need to contact dh for DIY support or to get in touch with him when she wants to meet as he is knee deep in work and doesn’t have the time to deal with it, I told her he finds it irritating. I’d say that out of everything I said during our catch up, this was the thing that peaked her interest the most. I won’t go into the details but she referred to dh several time more and, when I left, the last thing she said was to tell dh something related to her asking about the DIY. I was keen to get away at that point and just brushed it off and said bye.

I am pretty sure she’ll contact me again next time she visits and I'm not sure it she has taken on board that there will be no family meet ups..
I’m glad I went as I know now she is no friend, she is in it out of self interest using me /us as a means to an end. Shame it took me so long to figure this out. I felt completely drained after seeing her.

OP posts:
howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 29/10/2023 07:03

Do you think she's after your husband and using you as a way to get to him?

Original poster
StrenghtAndFlavour · 29/10/2023 07:09

I don't think so tbh @howdoesyourgardengrowinmay but I do think she likes him and she does seem interested in interacting with him, in some ways more so than interacting with me.

OP posts:
Zonder · 29/10/2023 07:24

I'm glad you have resolution now. You really don't need to meet her again. You know it's not a proper friendship.

LostAtTheCrossRoad · 29/10/2023 07:26

So now you know. Just block her and move on.

Beautiful3 · 29/10/2023 07:56

Thanks for the update op. I kinda feel like she's just using you and your family in fill in her time at no expense. She's using your children to entertain hers and your husband to help with DIY. Think I'd tell my husband to either ignore any further messages or just reply, "sorry I'm busy with work" every time. I don't think I'd bother meeting up for coffee anymore.