Help me with this mum friend

[StrenghtAndFlavour]

I don't want to write a very long post about the ins and outs but there is a friend from my home country who I used to be reasonably close friends with. I met her in the UK but she moved back home from the UK about 5 years ago, however she still visits several times a year. Our dc used to be friendly but they have all grown into teens and tweens and mine focus on their own school friends, here in the UK, whom they are rarely able to meet up with due to school and lots of extra curricular activities during term time. DH and I working FT etc. We have an insanely busy family schedule and are only rarely able to socialise with friends, even those we are close to but we do have a small group of friends whom we see regularly, maybe every 4-6 weeks.

Whenever this woman comes to the UK, she drops me an email saying we're coming, let's meet up. She always wants to meet as a family but we don't have the time (or by now the inclination really) to meet as a family. Family meet ups would always be at ours even before they moved away, take hours and just feel too much overall. Especially now that the dc are all older and don't necessarily gel in the same way as when they were little.

If I tell her I can meet for lunch etc, she tells me her dc will be disappointed. When I don't reply to her announcement that she coming to visit the UK soon enough, she texts my dh or her dc texts my dc to ask to meet up.

I can't and don't want to accommodate family get togethers. What do I do? Fade out gently? Be upfront, but how to do this tactfully? She got rather cross with me by text message when I said that only I can meet with her this time, telling me I'm being stubborn. She also got her dc to text mine to check if they want to meet after I had told her that my dc are busy with plans to meet their school friends and won't be able to meet her dc this time. This really annoyed me as I had explicitly said that I can meet her for lunch but that my dc will not be able to meet as they already have plans. Did they expect a different reply? Or did they not believe me that my dc are busy?

Please help me solve this with as little drama as possible, I am feeling stressed and annoyed by her insistence.

"Hi Mum friend! Would love to meet you for a latte/ dinner. My teens are off doing their own thing (teenagers!) but would be great to see you again!”

• "Please don't have your kids message mine as they did last time - it makes them feel uncomfortable as they aren't keen on meeting up. Would you prefer x or y place for us two?"

And if there's any attempt at pushback I'd just say that unfortunately you're being made to feel very uncomfortable and need to withdraw.

That should have been an "and" between the bold para and the next one.

Block her, block her kids on your phone and theirs. Get on with your lives in peace. I’ve done this to loads of hangers on, drama llamas and pushy people. It’s honestly bliss and a weight lifted.

She sounds like she’s completely using you as free food/drinks and entertainment service.

What does your DH reply to her? How does he get on with hers?

Call a family meeting / use the family whatapp group ( or whatever you guys use) and
ask your DH and children if they still want these get togethers with this other family to continue. Just see what everyone has to say about this situation and go from there.
Good luck OP.

so What was the last message between you?

Did your kids tell hers they were busy or agree to meet?

Have you clever commented on the fact that they invite themselves to yours, don’t bring anything to contribute and stay for hours drinking and eating at your expense?

Think about it…friends don’t do that.

So then why don't you want to give up the friendship? You don't want to meet her. You don't communicate with her when she's away. So it's not a friendship.

My dh never replies to her and dc just said that they are busy.

I presume that’s the end of her badgering them then if your kids say they’re busy and your DH doesn’t even reply?

When she’s saying you’re stubborn, reply, ‘Hmmm, not stubborn, everyone is just busy! Do you want to meet me at X for lunch at 1pm? No worries if not’.

So then why don't you want to give up the friendship? You don't want to meet her. You don't communicate with her when she's away. So it's not a friendship.

I'd quite like to move on but without any drama. In terms of friendship, I find it really annoying that she texts the whole family when I either haven't had the chance to reply as quickly as she'd like or when I have told her the kids are busy yet her dc asks my dc by text if they can meet. BTW, our dc never text otherwise, they've only had each other's numbers for 6 months or so.

Also, whenever she texts me 'we are coming can we meet' it always takes lots of texting back and forward. I am done with her I think.

Yeah, I'd just not see her again. Think of the weight lifting when you realise you don't have to deal with her ever again!

So the question is do i meet with her one more time for that 'coffee' while they're here and I tell her i'm only available for that sort of get together or even tell her I don't want to socialise at all any longer or do I just text her that I'm not available. We remained having vaguely arranged to meet for that coffee and that she'd bring her teen dc along.

If you've already committed to the coffee and you want no drama then I'd have the coffee, but next time I'd be unavailable when they visit the UK. "Oh I'm so sorry but I'm not available that fortnight at all. I hope you have a lovely visit to the UK though".

We remained having vaguely arranged to meet for that coffee and that she'd bring her teen dc along.

So you’ll have bored teens sitting there for the whole conversation?! How fun for them?! Where do they all stay when they are over here?

I’d be tempted not to go for the coffee either-she sounds really hard work.

Yep - if you have agreed to meet for coffee I’d stick to that and going forward it’s really ok to say oh sorry we won’t be free that week due to work and other commitments- maybe next time.

Why does she keep coming back to the area?

You say she has a flat - but no other family or friends?

doesn’t even sound appealing tbh!

If she has a flat but her and all her kids are coming out to meet you for coffee somewhere random, why don’t you suggest you go to theirs?

At least then, the kids might entertain themselves if they’re in their own surroundings.

They have a flat so they holiday here.

I'll go for the coffee.

I know I'm asking for a lot of handholding here but, when we meet, shall I explain to her how busy we are and that my dc prioritise meeting their school friends now as they have precious little time to do this in general or is it better to not say anything and just be unavailable from now on. I'd really rather not drag the kids into this as then maybe her kids feel 'turned down' or something.

So they have a home here and still never invite you and your family over? Honestly this friendship should have been over years ago.

Take a cue from your husband or your dc, the former ignores 'friend's' messages and the latter say 'we're busy'. just disengage from further contact

I’d wait and see what she says and play it by ear.

She doesn't invite us as she hates her flat.

I wouldn’t mention your kids at all. She might though and she might struggle to understand why they couldn’t cancel and be available for hers given the only visit occasionally

But I think you are somewhat hurt by her lack of interest in you all outside of her visits and the fact that she has taken advantage of your generosity on a repeated basis.

She must have other people to see?

Take a cue from your husband or your dc, the former ignores 'friend's' messages and the latter say 'we're busy'. just disengage from further contact

This. So what if you don’t reply quickly enough or say it’ll just be you and she’s not happy with that and she texts other members of your family. Your DH won’t reply and the kids just say ‘yes, we’re busy’. She doesn’t gain anything.

But she is happy to invite her whole family to yours!

I would say, ‘as it’s just me-I’ll come to you, shall I? I’ll be over at 11’