Help me with this mum friend

[StrenghtAndFlavour]

I don't want to write a very long post about the ins and outs but there is a friend from my home country who I used to be reasonably close friends with. I met her in the UK but she moved back home from the UK about 5 years ago, however she still visits several times a year. Our dc used to be friendly but they have all grown into teens and tweens and mine focus on their own school friends, here in the UK, whom they are rarely able to meet up with due to school and lots of extra curricular activities during term time. DH and I working FT etc. We have an insanely busy family schedule and are only rarely able to socialise with friends, even those we are close to but we do have a small group of friends whom we see regularly, maybe every 4-6 weeks.

Whenever this woman comes to the UK, she drops me an email saying we're coming, let's meet up. She always wants to meet as a family but we don't have the time (or by now the inclination really) to meet as a family. Family meet ups would always be at ours even before they moved away, take hours and just feel too much overall. Especially now that the dc are all older and don't necessarily gel in the same way as when they were little.

If I tell her I can meet for lunch etc, she tells me her dc will be disappointed. When I don't reply to her announcement that she coming to visit the UK soon enough, she texts my dh or her dc texts my dc to ask to meet up.

I can't and don't want to accommodate family get togethers. What do I do? Fade out gently? Be upfront, but how to do this tactfully? She got rather cross with me by text message when I said that only I can meet with her this time, telling me I'm being stubborn. She also got her dc to text mine to check if they want to meet after I had told her that my dc are busy with plans to meet their school friends and won't be able to meet her dc this time. This really annoyed me as I had explicitly said that I can meet her for lunch but that my dc will not be able to meet as they already have plans. Did they expect a different reply? Or did they not believe me that my dc are busy?

Please help me solve this with as little drama as possible, I am feeling stressed and annoyed by her insistence.

Don't say your children are prioritising school friends. Just say you know how it is with teens, they organise their own social lives now and I never know when they're free.

Your DC are presumably pretty independent socially? They're growing up and you're no longer in charge of their calendar - she will hopefully have the same experience back home.

She is overbearing and tight-fisted and totally taking the piss. I've had friendships like this in the past, and eventually just ended them. Sooner or later, people like this will always push you to your limit. Have I regretted it? Do I miss them? Not even for a millisecond. My only regret is that I didn't tell them to get lost much, much earlier.

”Hi friend, I’m looking forward to seeing you! The DC won’t be able to join unfortunately, they have lots on while you’re here and you know how teens are, busy social lives! Shall we go for lunch at X? Have a nice one to one catch up for a change”

if you friend replies that her children will be disappointed or she was hoping for a family get together you just say no again. You can be as firm or diplomatic as you like, but it’s a boundary and she’s testing your boundary by coming back with a “but”

”well unfortunately it’s just not workable to meet up as a family. I’d however love to see you for lunch/brunch/dinner/spa (delete as necessary) so if you fancy one of those let me know and we can book something.”

if she comes back again arguing the toss don’t engage. You’ve set your boundary, there’s no need to reply the same thing again and people like this need firm boundaries.

If her kids txt your kids tell them not to reply or to reply with a “sorry about that but we’ve got lots on, hope you have a nice trip 👍🏼”

if she messages your husband tell him not to reply, that’s a massive over step imo, I’d be furious, it would make me feel like my friend doesn’t value my wishes and thinks my husband is ultimately in charge of my social life, which he isn’t, and would be able to over rule me like a parent would a child.
So that one is a big no no, ask him not to engage or to reply with something like “hi friend, as OP said it’s not workable but I know she’s made suggestions for the two of you to get together, let her know if any of them work. Have a safe flight!”

If she’s coming back to the uk to visit what are her kids meant to do whilst she’s out for the day? It’s not as if they can stay in and play on their consoles or whatever

She wants to come here and eat and drink and relax and have inbuilt entertainment for her dc. Is this a mutual friendship to you?

Its not.

You’ve had lots of advice on here-what are you going to do?

The OP says they are all ‘teens and tweens’, so I’m presuming they could play on their devices or watch TV in the family’s flat for an hour whilst she meets her friend for lunch. Or the OP could say she’ll go to their flat to meet them for an hour.

It seems instead that they’ve arranged to go out for lunch but the CF friend is bringing all of her kids.

OP, you are the one with the power here. Your friend wants something from you, but you don't have to give it to her. What exactly is going to happen to you when you stand up to her?

@StrenghtAndFlavour

She must have other people to see?
I think she might have lost touch.

I bet those people have been clearer that they can no longer accommodate her wishes vs their own life commitments or wants. Especially if she treated them as she treats you and your family.

Personally I would use the excellent note a Poster suggested upthread (I think you said it was perfect) and move on with your life, no longer entangled with such a demanding person who is "extremely frugal" when they've come to your home in the past. Take the lead, thereafter, from your husband and child. Nobody needs users in their life. 🌹

I see this quite a lot with friends or family who move away. They don't seem to realise that it changes the relationship dynamic. They expect the people "left behind" to be excited by their return and pick up where things left off. But it doesn't work like that. People move on. When you stop being in someone's life, they stop being in yours. She was unrealistic to think that the friendship could be maintained by just sporadic visits and zero communication the rest of the time.

I worry about your insanely busy family schedule - it sounds like none of you make time for friendships. What are you all doing - is it work? Hobbies? Sport?
Really? I would think that is normal, both working and any form of hobbies for the kids/seeing family then you’ve your who 7 days taken up!

How much notice does she give you of these trips? A few months and I'd expect you (and your family) to accommodate her (excluding big events or things like matches). A few weeks and I wouldn't.

I generally don't give my friends much notice of plans, mainly because I don't plan going to my home town that far in advance. But I know that's on me and I never expect my friends to be free. If they are, it's a real bonus but if they have plans that is fine, I'll see them next time.

She sounds awful and oblivious, getting her dcs to text yours is so manipulative and sneaky. It would be great if you could say 'I think you're not hearing me. As I said, I am only available to meet for an hour for lunch and the kids will be too busy so we can't meet up as a family. Let me know if you're available for coffee, otherwise have a good break because we won't be available the rest of the time you're here. It's difficult when you call me stubborn and try to argue about this, so please respect me and my family.'

This is a really easy one, she's just an acquaintance, not a friend. She doesn't keep in touch between visits, knows nothing of what's going on in your life.

Therefore it's just a simple 'got so much on at the moment, I can meet you for a coffee? Let me know' A real friend would accept this and appreciate it.

Then unless she accepts, I would disengage, ignore and then block/fizzle out.

You're under no obligation here at all!

I was always told, "if its somthing you wanted to do you would find the time to do it"

This clearly isn't somthing you want to do and have found lots of reasions why this meet up can't happen the way your friend wants it to (and that's ok) the key is recognise this and move forward.

It sounds like you have moved on and the friendship in its old form has died also you can't be responsible for how another person will feel. As long as you are honest and kind you can set out the way you see the friendship moving forward by telling them that you can only meet for lunch away from home and will be on your own then it's up to your friend to accept those terms and move on or say no and your friendship is coming to an end.

You sometimes have to let a friendship change even when the other person doesn't want to let go.

Change is hard but the moving hand writes as they say.

A few months and I'd expect you (and your family) to accommodate her

I thinks it’s the ‘accommodating her’ that the OP is objecting to. CF wants to come to her house with her whole family, empty handed, stay for hours and expect food and drink to appear endlessly on tap. I wouldn’t want to accommodate that for anyone-it’s completely one-sided!

You're spoiling her inbuilt / prearranged (in her head) entertainment.

'Hi. Yep I'd love to meet for a coffee to have a proper catchup between us. Can your Dh have your kids then we can chat properly'

If she says no then I'd cancel. Who wants a coffee and chat with two teenagers looking on.

Get the kids and Dh to block them if they have no interest in a relationship.

This is true, and something I have had to accept as the one who moved away. It's not that I expect people to be excited to see me (they never were when I lived there ) but you do find out that some people will always want to see you, whereas others can take it or leave it.

Thanks everyone, I'm still reading and find all the posts helpful. We used to have a lovely time when they still lived in the UK and I did consider her a good friend. However, even then, over a period of time, it started feeling like she was taking advantage. Other than the visiting empty handed for hours, she also wanted my dh to give her lots of advice and help her doing up their flat. Her dh doesn't help with anything and she knows my DH is not like that. She emailed dh last year to try and get him to help her with signifiant work on their apartment. Of course my dh said no to that.

I am yet undecided whether to meet one more time in a different 'format' so just for coffee somewhere not at home and explain that it is not possible to meet as families due to lack of time or to just text her and say I can't make it after all and cut contact. It does feel a bit harsh to do the latter but I am also fed up with being taken advantage of, it feels disrespectful. The last time we saw them, I picked them up and drove them back to theirs, they live about 45 minutes drive away. This time I am suggesting something different and she calls me stubborn insisting that I am only able to meet fora quick coffee somewhere outside without the teen dc. her. I just thought that was really rude.

I can't make up my mind whether to just say no to this time ( I haven't seen her in over a year) and just keep saying we're not available. or whether to go for that coffee.

Weirdo.

OP has a fulfilling life. Her kids have fulfilling lives. They'd rather be busy doing their hobbies than put themselves out for this family of freeloaders who they have nothing in common with.

The 'friends' kids tried to arrange time with OPs kids but they weren't interested. OP didn't speak for them, they spoke for themselves.

There's nothing 'stuck up' about making an interesting life for yourself and not wanting to spend time with someone who doesn't fit into that life anymore.

It all sounds a but strange. My cousin had an issue with a long term friend who always had to go to her home, for hours. She'd literally stay from 11am til midnight. Eating and drinking endless cups of tea, with her child in tow. It stressed my cousin out, as she had children of her own. In the end, she made herself less a available, and met up outside of the home. It worked, they went home after an hour. However she did try saying, shall we head back to your place?! Could you meet them for coffee near where they live? Then shoot off home afterwards? I agree it's not fair making your kids part of a host team! If they're not interested in them, then that's okay. She's your friend, not theirs. Me personally, I'd make excuses and not go. But if you want to keep the friendship going, go for that coffee.

I'm not at all surprised reading that this family are "frugal". Why does frugality in so many people seem to mean them not spending any money and getting by by foisting themselves on everyone else?

She sounds like even more of a user now that you say that she asks your DH to help her with the flat. I think she wants to maintain having some useful, local contacts under the guise of a family friendship. Real friendship is not one-sided generosity and hospitality. She sounds quite sneaky!

I can see this woman turning up at your door with her family.

Just be firm by saying I'm the only one free take it or leave it. If she starts being unkind by sating things like your rude or stop being selfish etc then that's the time to tell her you don't appreciate her rudness and the lunch date is off, you don't want to meet her. Also tell her to stop messaging your husband and kids, they don't make the plans. I hope your husband and kids don't reply to their messages.

Is she also one of these annoying people who move overseas then wants to meet old friends just to drone on about how wonderful her life is now?

YANBU OP

She's a freeloading CF! Either insist on a meetup just the two of you (that's if you really do want to) or just be "too busy".