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Original poster

Help me with this mum friend

130 replies

StrenghtAndFlavour · 24/10/2023 07:14

I don't want to write a very long post about the ins and outs but there is a friend from my home country who I used to be reasonably close friends with. I met her in the UK but she moved back home from the UK about 5 years ago, however she still visits several times a year. Our dc used to be friendly but they have all grown into teens and tweens and mine focus on their own school friends, here in the UK, whom they are rarely able to meet up with due to school and lots of extra curricular activities during term time. DH and I working FT etc. We have an insanely busy family schedule and are only rarely able to socialise with friends, even those we are close to but we do have a small group of friends whom we see regularly, maybe every 4-6 weeks.

Whenever this woman comes to the UK, she drops me an email saying we're coming, let's meet up. She always wants to meet as a family but we don't have the time (or by now the inclination really) to meet as a family. Family meet ups would always be at ours even before they moved away, take hours and just feel too much overall. Especially now that the dc are all older and don't necessarily gel in the same way as when they were little.

If I tell her I can meet for lunch etc, she tells me her dc will be disappointed. When I don't reply to her announcement that she coming to visit the UK soon enough, she texts my dh or her dc texts my dc to ask to meet up.

I can't and don't want to accommodate family get togethers. What do I do? Fade out gently? Be upfront, but how to do this tactfully? She got rather cross with me by text message when I said that only I can meet with her this time, telling me I'm being stubborn. She also got her dc to text mine to check if they want to meet after I had told her that my dc are busy with plans to meet their school friends and won't be able to meet her dc this time. This really annoyed me as I had explicitly said that I can meet her for lunch but that my dc will not be able to meet as they already have plans. Did they expect a different reply? Or did they not believe me that my dc are busy?

Please help me solve this with as little drama as possible, I am feeling stressed and annoyed by her insistence.

OP posts:
Takenoprisoner · 24/10/2023 12:04

StrenghtAndFlavour · 24/10/2023 11:59

She doesn't invite us as she hates her flat.

She could take you and your family out for a meal to thank you for the years of hosting you've done and if she genuinely wants to catch up. but of course she won't.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 24/10/2023 12:05

So then why don't you want to give up the friendship? You don't want to meet her. You don't communicate with her when she's away. So it's not a friendship.

I agree with this. Why are you even meeting for coffee? Just to tell her you will no longer have time to meet her for coffee in the future, and your children already don't have time for her children? What is the point of that?

Just don't meet her this time or in future. She currently thinks you are friends, but she will soon realise that you are not bothered.

Original poster
StrenghtAndFlavour · 24/10/2023 12:05

But I think you are somewhat hurt by her lack of interest in you all outside of her visits and the fact that she has taken advantage of your generosity on a repeated basis.
Yes, I think I am a bit

She must have other people to see?
I think she might have lost touch.

OP posts:

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Original poster
StrenghtAndFlavour · 24/10/2023 12:06

Takenoprisoner · 24/10/2023 12:04

She could take you and your family out for a meal to thank you for the years of hosting you've done and if she genuinely wants to catch up. but of course she won't.

Show quote history

She would never ever do this, they are extremely frugal. Really extremely so.

OP posts:
Takenoprisoner · 24/10/2023 12:10

'extremely frugal' haha knew it. Time to say goodbye to this 'friend' who has no respect for your boundaries or desire to reciprocate, only entitlement.

Shinyandnew1 · 24/10/2023 12:15

StrenghtAndFlavour · 24/10/2023 12:06

She would never ever do this, they are extremely frugal. Really extremely so.

Show quote history

She’s happy for the lot of them to arrive at your house empty-handed and scoff your food and drink all day, though?!

Honestly, my friend don’t behave like this. She’s just taking the piss.

Gymnopedie · 24/10/2023 13:45

She would never ever do this, they are extremely frugal. Really extremely so.

So basically she wants to come to yours and bring the kids because it's a cheap (free) day out for her and something to do. Rather than pay to go out to an attraction which is what most people would do on holiday. You really are being used OP. You think of her as a friend, she thinks of you as a convenience so you can say no without any guilt whatsoever.

She's not frugal, she's a cheapskate freeloader.

LifeExperience · 24/10/2023 14:21

I would have been out of the relationship the minute she called me stubborn because I wouldn't bend to her desires.

chopc · 24/10/2023 14:29

Having been an expat, I can understand where she is coming from. I have the off exchange with some people and longe exchanges with others. I would have been hurt if they found me too much of an inconvenience.

I used to insist on the kids meeting up when younger but as they got older, I would leave it to them to decide.

You have a friendship where you have different roles in each others lives. As you said, they see you as family friends but you see them as well..... a nuisance

I don't think you need to have a confrontation. Say no a few times and she will get the message. If not then you can explain that your friendship has run its course

MariaLuna · 24/10/2023 14:32

Visits, they spend here hours after hours, eating, drinking and enjoying themselves. She doesn't bring anything.

That is shocking. (And I've read the rest of the thread).

She's a freeloader - awful way to bring up her kids! - and I wouldn't even bother meeting up with her for coffee either.

Friendship is give and take but she's just a taker.

Original poster
StrenghtAndFlavour · 24/10/2023 14:36

@chopc You have a friendship where you have different roles in each others lives. As you said, they see you as family friends but you see them as well..... a nuisance.

Out of interest, how can she see us as family friends? She never calls, texts or emails (we used to a few years ago, when they already lived abroad). The only time she texts or emails, it's literally 'are you home, we're coming, we would like to see you' that's it, no 'how is everything' or checking in to see what's happening in each other's lives. She doesn't engage like that anymore when she is in her home country. She never invites us to her flat here or out somewhere. She wants to come here and eat and drink and relax and have inbuilt entertainment for her dc. Is this a mutual friendship to you? I never minded hosting and always cooked excellent food. She never brings anything. I now suggested to meet for a coffee as that's all i have time for and she is being stroppy accusing me of being stubborn. That's not friendship, is it?

OP posts:
Wendysfriend · 24/10/2023 14:52

She's using you and has used you.

You kept them all fed and entertained and got nothing back, not even a sandwich.

You need to cut ties now, there will be no loss, there isn't a connection there between visits. A true friend keeps in touch, doesn't use and doesn't speak to you like that.

If it were me I'd message that, you feel the friendship has run it's course, you are all at different stages in your lives, have different likes and interests and it's only causing stress on both sides trying to arrange suitable times that everyone is free to meet up, that your children are heavily involved in their activities and friends and you don't want to put pressure on them to cancel these things to meet up . Wish her well and then block

Miss93 · 24/10/2023 16:14

Just block her,you'll never be able to explain anything to her,she's too pig-headed.
She brings nothing to your life,and she just uses you cause her kids are bored.

FreebieWallopFridge · 24/10/2023 21:42

Good Lord, tell her no (again) and then all of you block her and her kids. I think you’ll feel startlingly relieved.

LoobyDop · 24/10/2023 21:46

Why don’t you just tell her that your teenagers are too old to have their social lives managed for them now. It’s up to them whether they want to seek each other out and arrange to meet up, but you can’t chivvy or control them any more. Then tell your kids the same- no judgment if they want to block and ignore, but you aren’t doing it for them.

ItsADoggieDogWorld · 24/10/2023 21:56

For goodness sake, woman up. She's not your friend, she's a sponger. You owe her nothing. Why are you allowing her to treat you like this?

Just get the whole family to block her as a PP has suggested. You don't owe her any explanations. She's had enough out of you through the years, don't you think?.

Babyghirl · 24/10/2023 21:59

@StrenghtAndFlavour
Only me able to meet up, her my kids will be disappointed, you well my kids would be disappointed trailing them away from there plans, so where can me and you go for lunch.

Angelan86 · 24/10/2023 22:11

Hmm it’s a tough 1. Me and my best friend don’t really talk anymore. We see what each other is up to via social media and message every now and then to say 1 of us is going to visit the other. Most of the time family life gets in the way so we don’t end up meeting up after all 😂 there’s no hard feelings. She has a job where she works long hours, my ds is younger than hers and neither of us has childcare. If we have a problem we know we are there for each other but most of the time we just get on with our own lives.
if she messaged me to say she was coming over I’d drop my plans for her but she wouldn’t expect my children to be there to entertain her children. Mostly we try to meet up when we’re child free because we can talk a lot more freely without little ears listening in 👀😂
sounds like your friend just wants a place to crash for the day where you’ll wait on her and her family. Be firm with her and tell her that won’t be possible and if she’d still like to meet up for a coffee or some lunch then you’d love to see her. If she doesn’t take you up on the offer then I’d cut ties. She clearly doesn’t value your friendship and is only using you

BMW6 · 24/10/2023 22:15

Oh COME ON OP

Ffs it's as plain as the nose on my face that she's NOT a friend, she just uses you for freebie hospitality at your home.

Why on earth are you making such heavy weather with this?

Just tell her you're not interested in meeting up again anytime, anywhere.

Do it by text if you're not confident doing it on the phone.

Her kids really really don't give a shit about meeting yours - and even if they did, yours aren't interested in seeing them so respect their wishes and don't enforce it.

Banana1979 · 24/10/2023 23:00

You sound a bit stuck up to be fair .. not being nasty
.. my life is insanely busy , we are members of a club , my kids play intense sport , I am so very busy . My kids are so very busy

why are you speaking on behalf of your teenage children? If they want to meet up with her children, then it’s up to them surely ?
just tell her you don’t have time for her friendship anymore, as you are so insanely busy that you cannot even breathe. Your life sounds odd sorry
and I wouldn’t entertain somebody or lead somebody on If I didn’t want to be friends.

Quitelikeit · 24/10/2023 23:18

Oh god I hate tight, greedy, mean, stingy people!!’ Eurghhh

Withnailandsigh · 24/10/2023 23:20

OP . I stand by my original advice which was to block them and get on with your life, but as I consider myself an expert in fucking pisstakers I’m going to elaborate further…
there are people that move among us that have a sense of entitlement, they think they’re special, that you are somehow privileged to have them as a friend, that you should somehow be delighted at the opportunity to spend time with them and their offspring. They see you as a subordinate and you are there to serve them. Your friend, showing zero interest in whether the arrangement was convenient for you or if you wanted to meet up is a a loud and clear signal that they use you as some kind of docking station either practically (somewhere to go and be looked after) or emotionally because they can manipulate you into accepting them descending on you. Without wishing to descend into a psychological rabbit hole I can tell you this person is not your friend, but sees you as a resource and is an absolute risk to you. For example : my sister, who I see twice a year ish: ‘hey With, haven’t seen you for ages, I’m in London next week, are you free for a meet up?’
me: yes sis-With, I can’t do the week though as it’s mental, I can do Saturday night?’
’im not free till the evening, I have a work thing till 6’
’ok then, 7? Let’s eat at flat iron and get some cocktails at DSC?’
’sweet! If I’m late get me a ( insert cocktail name)’.
anything harder than that is a hard work person. Life’s too short mate.

Sleighj · 25/10/2023 05:10

I would absolutely go out of my way to accommodate this friend..if it was a one off. Haven't seen each other in a long time let's catch up etc.

This is not the case, id be saying see ya byeee

Knitgoodwoman · 25/10/2023 05:17

It doesn’t sound like you particularly like her, which is fine, so let it fade.

DuranNotSpandeau · 25/10/2023 05:52

The thing is, she is calling you stubborn and is getting stroppy because you have stepped out of your 'role'. Your friendship has been based on her being the taker and you being the giver: you've challenged that by saying the whole family isn't free and she's reacting badly to it.

Not your problem though. Keep your boundaries in place, let her text whoever she likes but my advice would be to send a short text to say that actually you aren't available to meet this time. If she brings her teens along for the coffee it will be very easy (and likely) for her to try and criticise you ("oh my poor kids, shame they had to join us as yours refused to meet them") and face to face it will be harder to stay strong without apologising when you have done nothing wrong.

I'd keep the text short without waffle excuses. "Hi, sorry for the change of plan but I won't be available to meet up this time. Hope you have a nice holiday. " If her reply is rude, ignore it.

I wouldn't block though, I think that having been a giver for so long it will make you feel guilty, which will make it harder for you to keep your boundaries and not resort to apologising and accommodating her.

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