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Original poster

If you ended your marriage because you thought life would be better (not necessarily easier) without your husband, how did it work out?

84 replies

MirandaPomander · 23/10/2023 18:19

For lots of reasons I'm considering telling my husband that I'm not happy and that I'd like to consider separation.

It's death by a thousand cuts and also some worrying mildly controlling behaviour that are the main reasons.

I'm working on "getting my ducks in a row" and seeing how well, financially, I could manage without him. I think it would be tight at times but I'm willing to try to be free of all the bad feelings and just feeling dragged down by him.

We have two children but I've reached the point where I'm not sure that I want to stay together for the sake of the children. I don't feel very emotionally or practically supported by him and I know it wouldn't be necessarily easier without him but I'm almost willing to make my life harder to feel freer and happier.

I want to give this serious thought and make sure it's the "right" decision. I'm not sure what to do but I'm leaning towards wanting to separate.

For those of you who have been here, was it easier or harder than you expected to make that break or do you wish you'd tried harder or stayed together for the sake of a bigger house/more luxuries etc?

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 23/10/2023 18:23

I left 23 years ago. Never for a second have I regretted it. It was tough but I'm grateful for the years since. I know that had I have stayed all these 23 years would have been wasted.

Octavia64 · 23/10/2023 18:25

I found this book helpful

https://www.amazon.co.uk/s?k=too+good+to+leave+too+bad+to+stay&adgrpid=50627093742&hvadid=606276377923&hvdev=m&hvlocphy=1006699&hvnetw=g&hvqmt=e&hvrand=16662390620365718817&hvtargid=kwd-302114484417&hydadcr=215822291939&tag=hydrukspg-21&ref=pddsl1nvyh4pbqgge

It basically gives examples of lots of situations and says that, for example, if your partner isn't respecting you then 75 per cent of people were happy they left.

Lots of case studies and examples, and is based on research.

Original poster
MirandaPomander · 23/10/2023 18:25

Thank you. To be honest I think that's what I wanted to hear.

It's also not fair on my husband is it. If I'm not sure, he has time to find someone who loves him properly.

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
Original poster
MirandaPomander · 23/10/2023 18:27

@Octavia64 thank you. Do you mind sharing what you decided to do?

OP posts:
Octavia64 · 23/10/2023 18:29

I spent a long time agonising about it and then he hit our daughter

FloweryWowery · 23/10/2023 18:30

I'd get a clear idea if what you want. If he's controlling and unsupportive it's unlikely he'll respond well to you saying you're unhappy and considering separation. What do you want his response to be? I'd concentrate on what is right for you and the children and tell him rather than ask him when you've decided.

Original poster
MirandaPomander · 23/10/2023 18:30

@Octavia64 that's just dreadful, I'm so sorry

OP posts:
Original poster
MirandaPomander · 23/10/2023 18:33

I think he'll either be angry, in denial or devastated. It makes me very sad to think of hurting him but I want to be free of some of the ways he has made me feel in the last few years. He is a good father.

OP posts:
siucra · 23/10/2023 18:33

I left and haven't regretted it for a second. Marriage was hard, divorce was not. i slowly found myself again and I shudder to think what life would have been like over the last few years if I was still married to him, especially lock-down. I love my life, love the peace and lack of chaos. He was an alcoholic, who was also very controlling and brought such unhappiness to my life. It was like he was trying to sabotage me. I couldn't be happier without him. Good luck OP.

Original poster
MirandaPomander · 23/10/2023 18:35

That's another thing, I feel like I've lost myself a bit (a lot?) although I take full responsibility for letting that happen.

OP posts:
oOiluvfriendsOo · 23/10/2023 18:35

I've never regretted my decision to leave with 2 young kids.
Kids were absolutely fine and have grown into lovely polite young men.
I have a great life now.

MrsSeveride · 23/10/2023 18:37

OP - I bought exactly the book @Octavia64 mentions when considering whether to continue a long term relationship (admittedly before marriage, kids, buying houses together)

As a direct result of that book I made the decision to leave. Like, within 30 mins of finishing it. I was SO tied up in knots before hand.

It took me longer to do it (logistics), but the decision was made.

Not regretted it for so much as a single second since (it was 20 years ago).

Buy it - it’s SO good at helping you see the wood for the trees…

Kenwoodmixitup · 23/10/2023 18:38

DH and I separated 7 years ago. I miss him like mad but I then recount the relationship and always come to the same conclusion and that’s why I couldn’t live with him. I would wish it could be any other way but it’s not. I hate being divorced, the break up of the family. It doesn’t matter to him and that’s why I couldn’t live with him 😂

CrapBucket · 23/10/2023 18:38

As well as getting your MN ducks in a row practically, do it mentally too. I spent a few months pretending I was in Sliding Doors, I didn’t do anything differently outwardly but I assessed what each day would have been like without him. Then I told a family member who I thought would be shocked but was absolutely relieved for me. Then by the time I told my ex, it was old news for me, and a lot easier to deal with.

I have never ever regretted it. It did make life temporarily harder, but my god it has been worth it in the long run.

Good luck.

Justmuddlingalong · 23/10/2023 18:38

My exDH was a condescending bastard when I told him I was leaving. He literally laughed in my face. Where would I go, how would I cope, I'd never have the balls to do it, etc etc.
Who's laughing now Smuggity McSmugface?

Lopella · 23/10/2023 19:48

I left going on for 2 years ago. Harder in some ways, definitely tighter money wise, but don't regret it for one second. Me and kids so much happier, freer. There's fun and laughter and magic. No more walking on eggshells. Kids have their childhoods back and I'm a much better mother.

DungareesAndTrombones · 23/10/2023 19:55

I threw him out 18 years ago and don't regret it for a second. I could have carried on because it wasn't absolutely hideous, but he was a lazy bastard who expected me to do absolutely everything in the house and with the kids.

He's still behaving like a total cunt mind you! Youngest DS is 18 next year and after then I plan to never speak to his Dad ever again as long as I live.

TheSilentSister · 23/10/2023 20:06

I've always followed my heart and head and if they both say no, it's a done job. No regrets. Once the decision is made, it's such a good feeling. Life may be hard for a while (in my case, several years but I don't regret it, at all) but you have to look forward to the future. As always, where kids are concerned, their welfare comes first and that doesn't always mean staying with a shit father/husband.

Blondebutnotlegally · 23/10/2023 20:18

Thats really tough. When my dad left, both my parents were happier, and that was more valuable in my childhood than any "complete" (🙄) family

PuzzledMind · 23/10/2023 20:22

This is going to sound cliche, but I would say go with your heart. It seems like you already have your heart set on leaving him.

RunningUpThatBuilding · 23/10/2023 20:24

My only regret is not doing it sooner!

Awful, awful marriage. I stuck around much longer than I should have because I didn't want my son to grow up without his dad around (was living abroad in his dad's home country).

Life was hard to begin - moving back to UK, sorting out new job, home, nursery etc. However it was far from impossible. I got through it.

I vowed I would not get involved with another man as I didn't want various men in and out of my son's life. However, fate intervened and four years later (in an art gallery) I bumped into the most amazing man who is my soul mate. Been living with him for the past 7 years and life is awesome.

MrsSucculent · 23/10/2023 20:25

It worked out fucking brilliantly. I am now engaged to a wonderful man and we have a delightful blended family. I can now see how awful my ex truly was.

MeMySonAnd1 · 23/10/2023 20:25

No regrets here. Best decision I have taken in my life. One thing that I can tell you, and many people will agree with me, is that it was far harder to take the decision to leave than dealing with the consequences of it.

The main thing was having less money after the split but that was easily made up by having so much HOPE: hope for so many new things, new projects, new experiences, new life, etc. it has been much better than living one day at a time/dying slowly inside day in day out.

Child is fine as well, having two happy parents living in different homes trumps living in the same house with angry and frustrated parents.

Phiface77 · 23/10/2023 20:27

Never under estimate the value of peace of mind. I think you are beyond contemplation. Plan to make this a reality.

Hoolihan · 23/10/2023 20:28

I'm just over a year out and honestly I've never been happier. Everything is better.