If you ended your marriage because you thought life would be better (not necessarily easier) without your husband, how did it work out?

[MirandaPomander]

For lots of reasons I'm considering telling my husband that I'm not happy and that I'd like to consider separation.

It's death by a thousand cuts and also some worrying mildly controlling behaviour that are the main reasons.

I'm working on "getting my ducks in a row" and seeing how well, financially, I could manage without him. I think it would be tight at times but I'm willing to try to be free of all the bad feelings and just feeling dragged down by him.

We have two children but I've reached the point where I'm not sure that I want to stay together for the sake of the children. I don't feel very emotionally or practically supported by him and I know it wouldn't be necessarily easier without him but I'm almost willing to make my life harder to feel freer and happier.

I want to give this serious thought and make sure it's the "right" decision. I'm not sure what to do but I'm leaning towards wanting to separate.

For those of you who have been here, was it easier or harder than you expected to make that break or do you wish you'd tried harder or stayed together for the sake of a bigger house/more luxuries etc?

Op, you had just said he hit your daughter… Good father? Really? I have always find it interesting that a man needs to do ONE thing well for the kids once a week, among a lot of bad things, to be a “good father” while the woman does 500 good ones at the same time and she is still wondering if she is a good mother.

@MeMySonAnd1 no no no that was another poster, he absolutely has not hit the kids! He is an excellent father and very attentive to them.

Yes, I did this two years ago. There was no big event, just the death by 1000 cuts you described. I fell out of love, for a variety of reasons, and I didn’t have the emotional support I needed, despite giving him so much that I eventually had nothing left. And I also think he deserves to be with someone who loves him, he has many great qualities.

And to answer your questions:
-I should’ve been more honest with him and myself and said it was definitely over, rather than making it out that I thought we might make it.
-it was horrible hurting him.
-it’s been very hard financially
-I hated breaking up the family, and having to sell the family home
but
-I’m me again, not a shell
-it was the right thing to do
-I’m going to college and retraining
-I have never been happier!

I think it depends. If you're willing to be single until they're older then you and your kids can be happier. But MN is full of threads of people who start dating within a year or two and throw their kids' lives into further turmoil after divorce.

Financially, try and live (even if just on a spreadsheet) like you're divorced. Practically, imagine how you'd have coped with each day etc. That decision making book is a good read.

Op....if you aren't happy but staying together for the children sake.... don't. They will pick up on it and the tension in the air. You might find you need to grieve for the loss of the relationship even if it was a shitty one x good luck with whatever you choose 🤞💕🍀

No regrets, only that I wish I’d done it years earlier. We are actually fairly amicable and I’m so much happier.

As to dating, I disagree. I’ve been in a relationship for 2.5 years now and it’s fine. He doesn’t have dc (which probably helps) and we don’t live together.

Its been 6 years, much happier, financially I ended up on benefits for quite a few years as a carer to youngest ds but even that was easier as I had control and could make sure the bills were paid!

Never regretted leaving , it's not the first time I've left with young children . I was in a much better place financially the first time though

This time I've been single since . I don't think I'll have a relationship until the boys are grown up, if at all!

Took me ages to get my act together (we have a DD). It wasn’t absolutely terrible, he was grumpy, terrible at resolving conflict, wanted to be top dog, selfish & unsupportive & complained bitterly about the (my) house & car that he got to use. Basically life was just one big reason to complain & moan & it’s so draining.

i have no regrets, the house was mine, didn’t have to move or change school etc & it’s a much calmer & happier house.

OP I could have written your post 4yrsago...in fact I probably did! My marriage was exactly the same. Death by a thousand cuts was how I remember describing it. I felt constantly so sad at how let down I felt by him. And just setting the bar so low to feel cared for and he never met that bar.

I ended it. It wasn't that hard once I'd taken the first plunge to be honest. I'd already emotionally checked out and the practical things were hard e.g. money but I am someone who gets on with it so got a 2nd job, etc. Made it work.

4 yrs out I am happier and like another poster I also have hope and optimism that I didn't have before. My life and my children's lives are happy.

However...I can see that my children are (slightly) disadvantaged from a practical point of view compared with 2 parent house. For example, they have to come with me everywhere. So my 5yr old has to come out at 8pm to collect my 9yr old from a club. We have to go everywhere as a trio. Birthday parties, etc my eldest has to come and sit on sidelines. I also struggle to fit in reading and homework because my ex doesn't bloody do it and that means I only have 5 potential nights to squeeze it into. Just small things like this. There are other examples but these spring to mind. Just to give a voice to say there are annoying small/outwardly invisible downsides as well as obvious big things.

That said they are undoubtedly happy and thriving. But they would prefer us together I'm under no illusion.

I chose my own sanity and happiness and hope as they grow they can understand that it is ok to prioritise yourself and there is no need to martyr yourself. I'm usually a people pleaser. Others might make a different choice but it was for me the least bad option.

It's not fair on your kids being in this relationship your showing that it's ok to stay if it's just ok when actually you deserve to love and be loved

It worked out great. I've been single ever since, by choice. Five years later and I have not a single regret. I'm happier, my kids are happier and he's just found someone new.

Just to add to this (hope that’s okay OP) do those who had kids at the time struggle with the shared custody? That’s the thing I fear most, I’m very close to my daughter and it makes me feel sick imagining half a week without her. I would miss her so much, but I’m so unhappy. It’s so hard to know what to do (partner isn’t a great dad either gets cross easily and is always scrolling Instagram and igniting her, so I’m not sure if it would be the selfish decision to leave).

Ignoring not igniting! 🤦🏻‍♀️

I am much happier single, but the financial side does have an impact. I’m not well off anymore that’s for sure

I'm probably your husband in this situation and now 6 years later on. I wasn't angry for long, I was just frustrated that he didn't reach out and try.
I met my new partner about a year later and we are a much much better team then my husband and I were so I'd believe in yourself and part ways.

Left 12 years ago and it was a huge weight off my shoulders instantly. Wished I'd done it so much sooner. Now remarried, very happy.

At first, yes. Mine were only small at the time- 6, 4 and 2. This was 5 years ago and my eldest says its better. They are starting to want to see dad less and less tbh. We don't have any court order in place though it's always been an agreed arrangement, so I guess if you anticipate things getting ugly then that's something to consider.

Yes I m free, independent, and don't have to deal with anyone else s daftness or the awkwardness of a dead bed marriage. I ll never marry again. I have 2 happy well adjusted teenagers and I love my ex H like a brother.

Cons: single parenting when the children are with you can be relentless depending on how young they are.

It's financially relentless, you have less safety nets.

You ll be working forever and if u get sick you don't have the same supports.

You ll holiday alone, I like this, and you get used to it, but there can be lonely times.

Did anyone have to go through their kids having to spend part of the week in the other parents house. Ie traipsing backwards and forwards?
I'm interested to know if this worked ok or was very unsettling/destabilising for the kids

Sorry, single parenting when the children are young can be relentless. (that should say). Not being able to run to shop for milk fir example because you can't leave the sleeping children alone in the house, these days there are delivery options, not so much ten years ago.

Overall I LOVE my freedom, fuck the patriarchy, but it is very hard earned. You are 100% responsible for your home and life, there is no sharing of life admin etc.

We did, it's always been fine.

Sometimes ex H used to be awkward about clothes, sorta monopolising their clothes, so they didn't have enough at my house.

If they want to be ass holes, they can be. It helped that we lived 15 mins away, so could always drive over if we needed anything.

I did this nearly 3 years ago with 3 young children. The hardest part was and still is co-parenting.

he seems to prefer his life without his children in it very much which is heartbreaking as they want to see him.

im so much happier though, I was from day one of him leaving and my oldest definitely felt the change in atmosphere at home as soon as ex left. It’s just a more relaxing place to be, there’s no tension. I’m more relaxed with them and we all laugh and smile more now.

Zero tension in this house too. My sons don't know what an argument is, they get an awful shock if there ever is a real disagreement.

This is so not true all the time, I’m afraid. I know unhappy couples think that separation is usually good for the kids too but it’s not always the case. In fact most kids want mum and dad to stay together. End of.

Me and my H were putting up with a defunct marriage and getting on each others nerves for, well, let’s say twenty years! We did a great job of making the most of it and when we told the kids we were separating six weeks ago it was like they’d been hit by a bus. For them it would definitely be best for us to stay together. They never thought anything was wrong because we kept it from them. They are 19 and 15.

OP, be very careful. I think my experience has been the same as yours and I definitely had more to gain from splitting up and I fantasised about it for years. Now I’ve had six weeks apart from him I think we could have sorted it out and that breaking up the family unit might have been a bit extreme. Although it wasn’t my decision so at least it’s out of my hands.

if you feel like this I really would recommend getting away from him for a month and seeing if that makes a difference. Like make an excuse that you’re going on an extended trip and find an air bnb and take the kids. Yes it might be costly, but so is divorce. I honestly think that would have helped my marriage immensely rather than just acting like caged tigers and pissing each other off so much that one of us activated the nuclear option.

your marriage may be salvageable so long as both of you to want to do it. Face up to the issues and confront what’s wrong. I’d like to do that with my H but don’t think he’s capable.

having said that I’m pretty confident I’ll be better off in the long run. It’s just sad is all seeing we have shared our lives for so long and we have a unique bond that no one will ever be able to replace.

Being on my own with two small children, no job and no home was easier than being with him. 30 years later it's still easier, but it was very hard both emotionally and financially. I wish I'd planned it better rather than just walking out with 2 kids .