If you ended your marriage because you thought life would be better (not necessarily easier) without your husband, how did it work out?

[MirandaPomander]

For lots of reasons I'm considering telling my husband that I'm not happy and that I'd like to consider separation.

It's death by a thousand cuts and also some worrying mildly controlling behaviour that are the main reasons.

I'm working on "getting my ducks in a row" and seeing how well, financially, I could manage without him. I think it would be tight at times but I'm willing to try to be free of all the bad feelings and just feeling dragged down by him.

We have two children but I've reached the point where I'm not sure that I want to stay together for the sake of the children. I don't feel very emotionally or practically supported by him and I know it wouldn't be necessarily easier without him but I'm almost willing to make my life harder to feel freer and happier.

I want to give this serious thought and make sure it's the "right" decision. I'm not sure what to do but I'm leaning towards wanting to separate.

For those of you who have been here, was it easier or harder than you expected to make that break or do you wish you'd tried harder or stayed together for the sake of a bigger house/more luxuries etc?

So. Much. Better. Since my split 4 years ago life is calmer, my DS13 and I have fun - we laugh a lot and financially I'm much better off. I wouldn't change a thing. We did manage to stay very amicable and did it all without solicitors (except the final drawing up of the financial agreement we had come to).

I very much doubt I would ever marry again. I tried online dating - it was dire but I'm very happy on my own.

Choose life, for yourself. I left my alcoholic ex 4 years ago, never been happier,

He was a shit father, and you cannot put a price on your own freedom.

Do it for your own sanity.....

I was very unhappy and knew I would never regret it which I don't.

Saying that my choices since then - new dh and another dc have made my life significantly harder and restricted my life in so many ways.

You may be surprised, to my surprise mine seemed quite relieved. I guess we both had wanted to split for a very long time but neither of us wanted to be the one who executed the marriage.

Ah apologies! I got confused there!

Anyhow, if he is a good father you have not much to worry about, he will take good care to continue to be one. My new partner has been divorced for many years and he sees his children all the time, the same applies for most divorced men I know.

By the way, I was really a mess thinking that I would miss not seeing DS all the week until someone pointed out that I needed that free time, when he was at his dad, to rebuild my life and catch up with the chores. They were so right, I could meet with friends for the much needed hand holding (you will be in shock even if you are the one who leaves), sorting the house and doing the shopping so I could focus on DS when he was with me. I have to say, however, that after a few years contact stopped, and I found it very though as I had no family around and therefore no respite whatsoever but… things change, DS got older and didn’t need me every minute so I got a bit more opportunity to do my own thing. Strangely, instead of celebrating my freedom I spent some time missing the child that no longer wanted to do things with me all-the-time.

Im really on the fence with my marriage so this is a really interesting thread.

Not sure what is your financial situation but there is help to get you back on your feet after the split. You may want to check entitledto.co.uk to see if you qualify for any help but, probably important to mention early enough, the one who has the children for more nights a week becomes the Resident Parent and therefore the one who gets the child benefit and universal credit.

The same applies to child maintenance, the one who has the kids for less nights a week is the one who pays child maintenance. However if you split contact 50/50 neither pays child maintenance.
You may want to go to the CMS website to check the child maintenance calculator, I can assure you it will be a shock but it is not the end of the world, that’s why resident parents who earn less than enough get universal credit.

I am worse off financially and will have a far less comfortable retirement. But I feel so much lighter and freer, and have been slowly realising how much I had lost - or semi consciously voluntarily put aside - to accommodate him. Makes me feel very sad for the younger me tbh.

So no, no regrets at all.

It was hard but never regretted it for a second

If you don't mind me asking, what are your reasons for separation and do you have examples of his controlling behaviour?

Also what is preventing you from expressing your lack of satisfaction prior to asking for separation?

I recognise many people have said they never looked back. From experience speaking to women in the same predicament, unless they experienced abuse there is always a part of them that wonders what life would have been like had they continued in their marriage and even miss it.

Surely if a woman has been alone and have been divorced for 20 years, for her own sanity she must tell herself that she made the right decision with no regrets...it's depressing to realise that communication, commitment and effort could have prevented a broken marriage.

I do not know the ins and outs of your marriage however my advice is, if even for a moment it could be revitalised, if your marriage is currently asleep as opposed to being completely dead - speak life into your situation, your husband and your marriage and watch your life transform. Wishing you all the best!

I was controlled for over 20 years. Didn’t get out socially, was separated from my wonderful stepmother. Had to take children shopping so that they could report back and a lot worse besides.
Not like your situation in many ways but trust me that element of control gets worse, particularly as the children get older because they understand that once the children have lest the nest you may follow.
He was arrested, and I finally refused to have him back. Even now, one of my four children will put their arms around me and say ‘You did the right thing, Mum.’

it is without doubt the best decision I ever made. I’m happy, I have friends, they visit me and I them. I go out socially knowing I’m not going to be punished. It’s bloody wonderful.

That’s not necessarily true, many of us manage to move into good heathy long term relationships that benefit our children as well. Mind you, It was always at the forefront of my mind that I was not choosing a man for myself but choosing one for me and DS so, it is not that DS needed a replacement father but I knew whoever was with me was going to be a role model so it was a matter of choosing wisely.

You can obviously wait until the kids grow up and leave the nest, I decided not to because I also needed to have my own life and support and also because I thought that if DS got even yet more of my attention it was going to be too much for him (and that goes without saying that OLD gets harder and harder the older you get!). He has a good relationship with my partner, I also know now that he worried very much about me being on my own when he left for uni / work so having a partner someway has taken some perceived responsibility from his shoulders.

I regret it every day in every way, OP. Be very sure before you jump, and remember that sometimes love is only sleeping (in the words of the wise Monkees!)

I separated about 18 months ago. My only regret was not doing it sooner. The marriage had been challenging for about 10 years.

Unfortunately, it triggered autism burnout in our daughter, and so my life has become a lot more complicated as I'm dealing with everything to help her - that wouldn't have been any different if we'd stayed together to be honest. I guess part of me thought he'd pull his socks up and parent on his watch but it turns out he still can't think about anyone other than himself.

I do have a peace now though. The house is calmer. I'm less on edge even though there is more stress in my life.

I'm 2 and a half years down the line since leaving my EXDP. While I feel sad about the family life I expected to live, it was made impossible by the emotional abuse my EXDP meted out. I could see he was escalating, and didn't want that life for myself or my DC, despite us being engaged for 5 years.

I was being worn down and belittled, and my EXDP had absolutely no respect for me, while putting on a glossy veneer to the world. Even my parents adored him, until I said I was leaving and he revealed his true self to them in the things he said to them, and the way he has behaved since.

My life now is calm and stress-free, and I no longer dread going home wondering what mood he will be in. I no longer tread on eggshells, or contort myself to try and be what he wanted me to be.

DC and I have a lovely home, all paid for by me, though I notice my DS in particular hates to hear any kind of shouting (his dad, my EXDP was a shouter and had a booming deep scary loud voice when angry), whether on TV in the playground or wherever.

If I had my time again, I would absolutely make the same decision to leave.

Op I'm in the same boat, reading the replies with hope, I've been here 6 years when I fell out of love with him and keep thinking maybe next year.

I'm so so tired of being the only adult in the house. He's killing me with his inability to be a grown up.

Thank you for all the replies. It's hard to give examples of controlling behaviour without being "outing" but there have been lots of low level things for years and then a few really specific incidents in the last eighteen months that are not awful on paper, but I can't shake them off.

It's a very strange sensation that I feel like I am living in his drama and struggling to hold onto joy and myself, but he feels oddly powerless in our lives to make things better. Everything feels like a mental struggle.

This. There is going to be a lot of cognitive dissonance on this thread. No one wants to feel as if they have made poor decisions so it’s natural for people who have left their parters to say it was for the best. The alternative: to say they regret it, is too hard.

it doesn’t sound as if your DH is a bad person and the fact he is an excellent father tells me that he has the potential to be an excellent husband too. What’s he done to deserve this exactly?

As I said I am six weeks into my separation. My H was emotionally dismissive and invalidated me for twenty years. But he had his good points. I longed to be single and do my own thing for years but now I am, it doesn’t feel that great.

however give it time and I am sure it will get better. Mainly no doubt because if the stories I will need to tell myself in order to make it less painful. I will have to start focusing on all the bad times and foresake all the good times, in order to feel that it was ‘for the best’. Easier that way. To hone in in his negatives. Otherwise, it means my nice husband left me. And i can’t have that, can I?

what this time without him is actually doing to me is showing me that perhaps I could have been a lot better myself. That’s hard to do. Maybe I was unloving to him. Perhaps he picked up in the fact I did not respect him. Maybe I was a nightmare to live with. Perhaps I was cruel.

you have to be prepared to turn the blame onto yourself and accept your role in this bad marriage. Despite all these years of not having my emotional and intellectual needs met, I still don’t want to cast him off as being a bastard even though blaming him would make it easier. That’s not fair and it won’t help me grow. It’s also not true. But it’s what people do to move on. Perhaps even the people in this thread…?

The nature of this thread will solicit bias towards ‘leave him’. So be careful.

@FrogFighter i think what you say is true but there is also a bias in people who stay in their marriages - telling themselves they have done the right thing when they have no idea how much happier they, their DH and even their DC could have been if they’d split. I’m early days in a separation and it absolutely feels like the right thing to me, despite how hard it is.

I also think Mumsnet is a space where people do admit to regret, because it’s anonymous. The fact is many women are happier when not married, particularly if the marriage was not a functional, loving one. There is lots of talk of blame in your post but often relationships have just run their course - no one is to blame, really. I think if a separation is not your choice it may well feel worse at the beginning, but in time I hope things will feel better for you.

@MirandaPomander only you know what it feels like to be in your marriage. Others may try to persuade you to keep trying or to stay - or to leave on the other hand - but I would advise listening to your gut, and getting some (individual) therapy if you can.

I've been a lot happier. I've been happily remarried for over 20 years. I know there were times the children found it very hard, mostly because of his and his mother's behaviour. No regrets.

I hear you. I also agree that many women benefit from separation. Believe me I already feel an uplift in some parts of my life and it’s nice to just be left alone. Would I get back with him? No. But there are a lot of ‘just leave him’ voices on here and it needs some balance. It’s a huge decision.

See my username. The freedom is incredible. My DC , teenagers, are thriving. They are growing up in a happy home, there’s no tension, no simmering resentment. I have a peaceful life now and I love it. Listen to your heart.

@MirandaPomander your latest update rang even more true with me. I saw my situation in very much the same way. I tried so hard to be happy and I had so many good things in my life - kids, friends, family, job - that it took a while to realise I had so little joy in my marriage. He just wouldn’t make any changes to how he lived (MH) and that meant I didn’t get a partnership. I was almost his carer.

He has subsequently made those changes since we separated. So he could do it, he just didn’t see why he should for many years I guess.

Never think someone else should be responsible for your happiness. That’s what I learned. It was on me to be responsible for it.

@Lastnightschips that's how I feel. All the good/happy things are currently outside my marriage and that it is so so sad. I wonder if I have invested too much time and love on other things and I should have invested it in my marriage? But then, what if he had ended up like this anyway? I don't want to give up my job/friends etc.

I've spent so long thinking that if I can just do "this" or "that" or take more bits and bobs on at home so that he can focus on work then he will slowly get happier and be more loving....but it's not happening.

You sound so thoughtful, giving, and caring. I’m so sorry it isn’t turning out the way you would have hoped.