If you ended your marriage because you thought life would be better (not necessarily easier) without your husband, how did it work out?

[MirandaPomander]

For lots of reasons I'm considering telling my husband that I'm not happy and that I'd like to consider separation.

It's death by a thousand cuts and also some worrying mildly controlling behaviour that are the main reasons.

I'm working on "getting my ducks in a row" and seeing how well, financially, I could manage without him. I think it would be tight at times but I'm willing to try to be free of all the bad feelings and just feeling dragged down by him.

We have two children but I've reached the point where I'm not sure that I want to stay together for the sake of the children. I don't feel very emotionally or practically supported by him and I know it wouldn't be necessarily easier without him but I'm almost willing to make my life harder to feel freer and happier.

I want to give this serious thought and make sure it's the "right" decision. I'm not sure what to do but I'm leaning towards wanting to separate.

For those of you who have been here, was it easier or harder than you expected to make that break or do you wish you'd tried harder or stayed together for the sake of a bigger house/more luxuries etc?

@Octavia64 and others, which book is it? The Amazon link has lots of books with the same title but different authors. I would like to read the one you're all recommending instead of a different one.

Can anyone help?

I totally disagree with this, it takes a lot, A LOT of guts to leave, once you are free, believe me, you don’t care much about keeping face ( unless he starts badmouthing you to every one and you feel the need to put things right.) You don’t really feel embarrassed at being divorced or on your own, you have bigger stuff to sort to pay attention to what the people think.

I have no regrets whatsoever, the most difficult part of my life came after the split but also the happiest. I have struggles like anyone else, stress about certain things, worry about what the ex is going to do next, sometimes I feel lonely as well BUT there is a constant sense of contentment and happiness all.the.time (I may not be experiencing joy all the time but happy, I am, very much).

There is no more empowering experience than getting a divorce, you leave an unsatisfactory marriage but also all the trappings of the past, you learn to rely on anyone but yourself and know, more than anytime before, that if things don’t work for you you can say no and move on, you know now that you have the strength to shape your life the best you can to the way you want.

I found myself wondering what my life would have been if we had stayed together last year after learning he is very rich these days… I am sure I wouldn’t have been enjoying those riches, I was so miserable in the marriage I would have probably killed myself by now. Being with someone who you no longer love, who only takes and never gives back and trips you and your children down every single day is absolutely soul destroying.

I’m sure love in my marriage was not “asleep”, I was in “save the marriage mode” for years and years on end but, then comes the time you need to accept you have been flogging a dead horse. I agree however that if the issues are recent perhaps marriage counselling may help to make things better or even change them, BUT if you have checked out already, have wanted out for years, it is ok to leave too, nobody should be forced to stay in an unhappy marriage, you don’t need to wait until the frustration is so much you start throwing things at each other. Better to leave well and in time so you can coparent your kids well together better in a two home setting.

Personally I love the 50/50 childcare. It gave me space again. I don’t miss them awfully, it’s only a few days at a time. And it’s meant I can have a life again, a career and the mental space that I always craved. I need time to myself though, and love it.

I can see a time where my sc will want to spend more time with me, and honestly I dread it. Of course I’ll do what they need. But the current set up is exactly what I need to function.

@HappyAsASandboy I think the book everyone's referring to is Too Good to Leave, too Bad to stay by Mira Kirshenbaum. Another book I found helpful is Should I Stay or Should I Go? by Lundy Bancroft.

@SocialistSally do you mind me asking what 50/50 arrangement you have in place? In early stages of planning ours! Thank you - and hopefully this will be useful for OP too.

For what it's worth I found the emotional decision the hardest thing - now the practical stuff feels difficult but surmountable.

@MirandaPomander I spent a long time supporting him, trying to make him better and happier, and I ended up emotionally drained and with nothing left to give anyone. It was shit. A hardened shell around a shrivelled up centre is how I very dramatically describe it!

And anyone saying ‘oh but did you even try?’ to those of who leave, yes, constantly. We were together nearly 30 years.

Oh yes, the “did you ever try?” Oh yes sure, we spent almost a decade in marriage counselling, I was practically his mother, he was not helping in the house, was spending all his money in hobbies, had no time for his son, he had an affair, I ended up seeing his his work trips as a blessed respite but yes, the moment I said I was leaving him even my mother said “Good grief Memy, have you thought this through???” And don’t start me on all the disbelief coming from friends, many saw as as an ideal couple but I suppose that if you are not airing your laundry in public, how would they know?

I needed this thread, thank you. I've been in 'trying to save things' in my marriage for many years now. We sleep in different places, he's affectionate but I just don't feel like being affectionate and I think that's largely because I'm emotionally gone from the relationship. Years of feeling isolation through him never being interested in who I am or how I am, through years of miscarriages had on my own because he would go to work or because he finds it impossible to talk about anything that's hard to talk about. We have two wonderful young children and he's a brilliant dad when he's here but the brunt of mental load and arrangements for kids always sits with me. So I've got to the point of wondering what he actually contributes and whether actually being on my own would be preferable as at least then I'd be able to just get on with things without worrying about where he fits in. He makes no time for us as a family, makes no effort to arrange anything for us to do or ever brings anything home for me or the kids as a treat. Any holiday is taken because I ask for it to be taken and it will always be questioned as to does he actually need to take it. If he is here he gets stressed by the kids acting like kids and 'needs space' so will walk away to lie down when I've not even sat down once the whole day with kids (can you tell its just been half term and I'm over it!? 😁).

I have told him many times that I think we should have counselling but as usual he isn't keen and will wait to see if I arrange it. Which I refuse to do because I don't care enough about saving the marriage. But I'm staying purely for the kids and financial ability. I couldn't afford to pay for all their activities and for bills by myself. I keep wondering if this is the wrong thing to do and if actually I should just tell him I want a divorce. I hate the thought of not having my kids all the time though. They are my favourite people and they make me happy.

@Bluebluewater we do 2,2,5,5. So every Monday and Tuesday night they are with me, every Wednesday and Thursday night they are with him. The alternate weekends.

They have duplicates of things that can be and a smalll bag each which we transport between. We only live a mile apart, so not much of an issue. Our main rule is that this wasn’t their decision, so they shouldn’t suffer. This means we make efforts to collect forgotten PE kits, we do the transporting (they don’t take stuff to school) etc.

Some very wise insights from previous posters.

@MirandaPomander have you ever heard of "sunk cost fallacy " being applied to a relationship?
https://twitter.com/jamessmithPT_/status/1507969830502436866

I imagine it's easy to think I've invested X number of years into this partnership and it tempts us to stay, and yet we forget to look at how many more potential happy years lie ahead, if we separate.

People often say that you know when it's time to leave, as you know you just can't carry on in the relationship. Some women mentally check out way before they physically separate from their partner.

I know this is much easier to say than do, but if you were to sit down with DH & say you feel that the relationship isn't making either of you happy, how would he react? Would he agree? Would that help to make the split more amicable? If you felt he was going to be reasonable throughout this separation period, would that make it easier for you to start that conversation?
I hope you soon feel able to make some decisions.