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Original poster

Can anyone admit they are disappointed with how their older DC have turned out?

90 replies

Sfuandtired · 17/10/2023 21:16

Just that, either by their morals, job, character or life choices?
Tia

OP posts:
cellarst · 17/10/2023 21:16

You first....

MolkosTeenageAngst · 17/10/2023 21:16

I am sure my parents have been disappointed by me as an adult, I don’t think I lived up to their expectation.

NoTouch · 17/10/2023 21:18

Disappointed in them or your parenting skills?

Tillytess · 17/10/2023 21:55

I am. It’s almost taboo to admit this and a sentiment only a handful of parents will be able to relate to , thankfully. I was an average parent, not the best or worst. I love them but yes I am disappointed.

Condo · 17/10/2023 21:58

I think it is incredibly hard for people to admit to as it could be seen as a failure of parenting. My DC aren’t adults yet but going by family experience - my uncle is a v v successful man. His two sons are complete fuck ups - they keep up a facade and don’t really tell then rest of the family what they are up too and the family don’t ask (we live opp ends of the country) and I’m close to one of my cousins so know what it going on. I think it is a great sadness for my relative but also don’t think he would ever admit it.

StopProcrastinatingGerald · 17/10/2023 22:00

Nope. I am delighted by mine. And this isn’t a brag - just that I like the dc for who they are, warts and all.

Charlingspont · 17/10/2023 22:00

What is it that's so disappointing? Not rich enough? Not in a high-powered enough job?

StarDolphins · 17/10/2023 22:03

I would only be disappointed if my DD grows up to be a mean person with no morals or kindness to people. Also I would be extremely disappointed if she wasn’t kind to animals.

Money & success I wouldn’t be bothered. She’s still only 7 though!

Finteq · 17/10/2023 22:05

Well mine is too.ypung.

So.dont know how I will feel.
She's not as a academic as I thought, but she's got a heart of gold. She is the most cheerful person I know. She bounces back from any set backs in her life. And is so loving.

She has already got through so much in her life and works so hard. I just know she'll end up doing whats right for her. And I really can't see how I would be disappointed in her just because she wasn't in a high-powered or high earning job. It's more important to me that she's happy in her life and in the right job for her.

So even if the parent has done really 'well', just because the kid isn't in a high earning job, or the sort of job you'd expect it doesn't mean the parent is disappointed in them.

suntannedsnowballs · 17/10/2023 22:09

I would be disappointed if my children didn't achieve what they have the potential to do - both of them are exceptionally bright and lovely - DS wants to be a geophysicist, and DD wants to be a pilot.

Both of these things are realistically achievable for them.

However, most of all - I want them to be happy. I would not want my children to be high flying at the expense of their health and happiness. I hope they make good choices - as they've been brought up to do, and I hope they continue on with the kindness that is abundant in their hearts.

Somanycats · 17/10/2023 22:14

Only the most shallow of parents are going to be disappointed about job choices or earning potential. The parents I know who are disappointed are disappointed because of the DC's choice of life partner, or with DC who have failed to launch, or with DC who have made poor choices often drug or alcohol related. For myself I am stunned by DS choice of career, it's not at all what I would have expected or dreamed of, but actually, we need excellent people doing what he does, so turns out, I am actually quite proud.

Foreverdecorating · 17/10/2023 22:16

I am not disappointed in my older children but i do have immense guilt about having them in the first place as the eldest especially finds life incredibly hard mentally and I feel responsible for their suffering- so disappointed with myself I guess, not them at all.

villanova · 17/10/2023 22:18

I was disappointed for a while when the older 2 were diagnosed autistic in their teems - realised they probably wouldn't have a lot of the 'life defining' experiences I had as a teen, plus university probably wasn't realistic.
Then gave my head a wobble & realised that they will find their own way, and their own version of happiness.
I still worry that they might struggle to find their way in life, but as long as we can be there to support them, and they get to contentment in the end, then that will be a good outcome.

Floralnomad · 17/10/2023 22:18

I’m not disappointed in mine , they are both delightful

Lesina · 17/10/2023 22:23

My mother was relentlessly disappointed in me as I got older. She projected on to me all her dreams and desires and was so disappointed when I didn’t live up to them. She made her disappointment known in continuous yet subtle ways.

I have nothing to do with her now.

She has dementia and is in a home. My brother looks after her.

Her disappointment blighted my life.

She can die alone as far as I’m concerned.

Be very careful.

Tread very lightly.

XenoBitch · 17/10/2023 22:25

MolkosTeenageAngst · 17/10/2023 21:16

I am sure my parents have been disappointed by me as an adult, I don’t think I lived up to their expectation.

Same. I had dead end jobs and have then been unable to work for years due to MH issues.
I am pretty certain they don't talk about me in a positive way when discussing what your grown up kids are doing.
I tried uni, and when I admitted I was struggling and wanted to give up, my dad threw his dinner across the room and said I made him feel sick.

boxofbadgers · 17/10/2023 22:27

My dad is very disappointed in me, which is exactly why I haven't spoken to him in 5 years ✌🏻 I feel it says more about him than it does about me that he couldn't see past my teenage mistakes.

Coldinscotland · 17/10/2023 22:27

Oldest ds is a compulsive liar... When he assaulted his youngest sibling I washed my hands of him. Likely he thinks he dumped us but I take full responsibility for the breakdown of our relationship....

Hummusanddipdip · 17/10/2023 22:28

Well... I know I disappointed my dad when I got my first tattoo if that counts?

He hates them, has said he admires the work that has gone into them but dislikes them on me... but he loves dh's 🤣

In all seriousness, I know I'm not living the life they imagined for me (uni, great career etc etc) but I'm happy and secure and they've told me that's all they truly wanted for me and my siblings.

margotmargeaux · 17/10/2023 22:29

Sfuandtired · 17/10/2023 21:16

Just that, either by their morals, job, character or life choices?
Tia

All of the above.

Hope they grow out of it but feel like there's no more I can do.

Gutted

Aysh86 · 17/10/2023 22:30

I am the disappointment in my family. My mum thinks I've wasted my life and doesn't sugar coat it .

Good job i don't see it that way :/

Lateliein · 17/10/2023 22:38

I'm so sorry. That's an awful reaction by your dad, and one that I am sure is ingrained in your memory 💛

He doesn't sound like he modelled the epitome of success as a parent based on that.

As for me, I don't know. I think my mum is disappointed I've drawn boundaries and refused, after years, to be her emotional bin. I actually think she's bemused I've not struggled more, and have retrained after having 3 kids, working ft with a husband who works away a lot. I do, however, feel myself "psyching" myself up before I see her and refusing to show any weakness, which I acknowledge isn't healthy.

I know she's disappointed I'm not demonstrative, more understanding, supportive, empathetic and kind. The irony is, my new job demands all these characteristics, which all my managers say I am a natural in. And I know I am more like this with my own kids and friends. I guess you reap what you sow. A kid isn't meant to have her mother crying constantly and bemoaning everything in her life.. Her upbringing, sibling, how difficult life is.

vodkaredbullgirl · 17/10/2023 22:40

No

CandyLeBonBon · 17/10/2023 22:43

Coldinscotland · 17/10/2023 22:27

Oldest ds is a compulsive liar... When he assaulted his youngest sibling I washed my hands of him. Likely he thinks he dumped us but I take full responsibility for the breakdown of our relationship....

I think there's a lot of people replying to this thread who may have missed the nuance in the question. I don't think this is about the unreasonable expectations of parents. I think this is about adult children who, in spite of your best efforts as a parent, have turned out to be the antithesis of the values you raised them with.

Or at least that's how I read it.

To those who have been made to feel less than, by inadequate or rigid parents, I feel for you.

If the op was just being goady, well good luck!

CandyLeBonBon · 17/10/2023 22:45

@Lateliein your response really resonated.