Can anyone admit they are disappointed with how their older DC have turned out?

[Sfuandtired]

Just that, either by their morals, job, character or life choices?
Tia

I’m regularly reminded by my parents what a disappointment I am. I have a good career, lovely family. But my parents say I abandoned them when I had to move away to support my partners career. I now live 3 hours away. I have to call every day and drive down for appointments or to fix things. I will never treat my own kids this way

I thought you meant your children. Which in my sleepy state confused me ,😁

I always felt my Dad was disappointed with me in my 20s and 30s and then when we were adopting, he actually said he didn't think I was maternal. For a man of very few words and not one for emotional outbursts he then wrote in one of my birthday cards in my early 40s that he was so proud of me and he thought I was an amazing mum. He died a couple of years ago and I still treasure that card.
My mum died young at 46 when I was still at Uni. I remember asking her when she knew it was terminal, was she disappointed she hadn't been all the places she wanted to go and done all the things she wanted to do, she said she was content and had had a happy life with a loving husband and two amazing daughters and that has stayed with me forever.
I now only hope my kids grow up and are happy. Jobs will change and education doesn't have to be the root to a good career. As long as they are happy then I will consider my parenting done well.

That's brought a tear to my eye. How lovely.

No, not in the slightest. DD has exceeded my expectations in so many ways.

My parents are disappointed in me because I wouldn’t carpet sweep my brother’s abuse of me and my sister. Apparently they will complain about me to whomever they can make listen including my brothers ex wife. They aren’t disappointed in my brother. Tells you all you need to know really. 😔 They are very narcissistic and the situation is very sad.

I felt that too both when growing up and as an adult. I never lived up to their expectations, well my mother's anyway. Don't think my dad gave a shit one way or the other.

I’m very proud of my adult DCs.
To my mother I was a never-ending disappointment, I don’t think I ever did anything right in her eyes even upto her death at 93.
That made me determined to do all I could to help my DCs to grow and develop.

Im the opposite of disappointed. I cant believe ive got the clever, handsome, kind and caring boys i have. I must have done something right somewhere.

My mother has been disappointed in me for the whole of my life. She had a set idea of what she wanted me to be. I didn't want to be that. I am happily married (20 years) to my second husband. I live in a big house 10 minutes drive from my mother. My children are happily married adults and appear to like spending time with me. I am, if I say so myself, a fabulous hands- on granny. I'm 58. I took early retirement from teaching when I was 55. My mother ( and late father) would never have been happy with me. They wanted me to be head of a big school . They deemed that acceptable for someone like me. I had no interest in that. I have 2 younger brothers. One works in a factory ,the other works from home and has such bad anxiety since covid that he rarely leaves the house. My mother sees them as perfect. The Grey rock method is very useful.

First, late F was obviously disappointed I wasn't a boy, never actually voiced this, but could tell by the attention/money bestowed upon male cousin. He wanted to join the police force. I didn't get tall enough. I watched operations on TV at 12,was fascinated. Wanted to go in to nursing...and did. In my 50s,he said to me "are you still doing THAT job?" With curled lip! Guess who ended up with some of the end of life care! I'm disappointed my oldest 53, can't find a decent bloke. Always said to them, I don't care what you do (for work etc) as long as you are law abiding, decent to people.

My DC are both autistic. DD will be 18 next year. I shall be incredibly proud of them both if they can achieve full independence and get jobs that make them happy. DD is undecided about University, and so we're not pushing it.

I have to admit I'm disappointed in my son, he's only 11. He's lazy, stubborn and thinks he knows better than me.

Every parent's night I come out sad and deflated. It's not because I want him to be top of his class so that I have bragging rights, I just want him to try his best and he doesn't, refusing to engage with his learning. I punish by removing his tech time, I positively reinforce good behaviours, I've tried everything.

He refuses to acknowledge that the choices he makes right now will impact him the rest of his life.

I believe that there are parts of our personality that are innate and that parenting can't impact who we are born to be. My brother is very similar to my son, obstinate and bucking authority wherever he can and my parents parented very differently to how I parent.

My son is still only 20 but I'm not disappointed in any way so far. I could have been had I not realised that he's entirely his own character. Some of me, some of his dad but mostly nothing like either of us. He's not massively academic but is super smart. He's not as compassionate as me but has excellent boundaries and emotional intelligence. He's very charming and good at getting his own way, which he uses to his advantage but not to anyone else's cost.

I think he's everything I wish I'd been if I'm honest. So maybe I'm disappointed in myself!

Indeed!

Dick comment

I used to be a nanny. I’m still in touch with my first family from many years ago (abroad) .The mum is fab. Really nice, interesting, relatable. Dad less so.
The kids now in their 30’s haven’t done so well. Both really overweight, neither following the dreams they once had in any respect, still in entry level jobs. The son I’d say has undiagnosed ASC which would be fine but his dad is a psychologist. He’s never had a partner and has always been a bit political and ranty. Seems so lost.
The parents ( well the mum) never express anything but love but they must wonder why their children haven’t reached their potential. Neither child looks happy with their lot either. Nothing to do with me, I was a great nanny for the year I was there.

Why is that a dick comment. Surely most parents think back to what they could have done differently to make their children happier/ more successful etc?

Bloody hell. Hope you dont have kids.

I'm pregnant with my first but I do worry about how my unborn son will turn out. I've been surrounded by horrible abusive men for most of my life. I love my DB but he is incredibly damaged by our childhood. Hopefully our baby becomes a similar man to my husband.

@ssd why?

I think this is me. I had a very strict upbringing and vowed my kids wouldn't be in the strait jacket I was brought up in. I regret every day now how lax/poor my parenting was and how that has affected my kids life and outcome. Only little things, but things I could and should have helped with or prevented along the way. It's my poor parenting rather than them.

No. I am ridiculously proud of mine for the very kind, clever, insightful people they are. DS1 had no interest in school despite being able, he's now training at a top school to be an actor and I know he will work in a creative job even if he never makes it professionally as an actor. He's happy and makes friends everywhere he goes. He'll be fine. DS2 has a condition that makes him poorly quite often and he under-achieved in his GCSEs partly because of that and partly because he was naive and didn't realise how much work he needed to do. I'm sad for him but not disappointed in him. He's trying really hard now, so in a way it was a valuable lesson, but he's also a boy who everyone likes because he's relaxed, polite, funny and kind.
My parents were disappointed I wasn't more like my brother and made that clear. For all of our flaws, I am glad that I accept my boys as they are, and they accept me and my parenting imperfections!

Disappointed in them or your parenting skills?

Agree that this is a dick comment. Because as some others have tried to point out, we’re not born as completely blank slates. Lots of things like intelligence, certain character traits, neurodivergence etc are genetic. Children’s development can be influenced/affected by circumstances that are beyond their parents control. It’s interesting to read the responses that say “as long as my child is a good person…” because what of they’re not? I’m sure it happens sometimes, even when the parents are decent and have tried their best.

Thank you 🙏