Can anyone admit they are disappointed with how their older DC have turned out?

[Sfuandtired]

Just that, either by their morals, job, character or life choices?
Tia

I’m disappointed my 18 year old didn’t try harder at school and now has no job etc but his older brother, very similar has now been to college got an apprenticeship earns good £ and nice car etc so I’m hoping 18 year old turns things around he’s still a nice kid
got 2 more sons and will be more on it with school work as don’t want the same for them but I my eldest was more practical than academic but but 18 yo is a bit lazy love them all though and can’t be disappointed in the lovely boys they all are

I’m sure there’s been an exact thread like this recently - a brief op asking if anyone’s been disappointed in their kids. Although I get deja vu quite a lot on MN. And no I’m not disappointed in my kids, even when they mess up.

So why all the professional training, research on child development and parenting courses if your outcome is down to circumstance and genetic disposition. Of course parents make a difference.

The majority of parents want the best for their children. You only get one shot with every child. I think it’s normal to look back and think I wish I did that or didn’t do something else. I think taking some responsibility makes you a better, more empathic parent.
Being “disappointed” that your clever, funny child isn’t making the most of themselves is normal surely. That’s different to openly expressing it at the expense of the child.

We were rather hoping that our 2 might be more ambitious, they are in OK jobs even after Uni. I always had the idea that they could have done more. They lack curiosity.
We would have enjoyed being Grand Parents. One can't other the partner says No.

I have never been disappointed. She's made some choices in life I haven't necessarily agreed with and I really feel for her when things are tough, but I will always be there for her and support her (as I will all my children). She is really a lovely young woman and I'm extremely proud of her.

My mum once told me she and dad were disappointed (edit: heartbroken was the word she used) in me. I'd just had my second baby, she was staying a week to help out, and apparently that was the moment to tell me she wanted better for me. Despite two post-grad degrees, two lovely babies and prospects for the future, apparently renting a 2 bed house in a slightly rough area of a city wasn't their idea of success. I should be wanting to move abroad and see the world like mum did.

For me, I worry about addiction as it's in the family on both sides, even though neither my DP or I struggle with addiction. I'd be disappointed if my ds's get involved in drugs or crime or abusing others. Otherwise, they're their own people and I'm sure will have ups and downs like everyone else.

So why all the professional training, research on child development and parenting courses if your outcome is down to circumstance and genetic disposition. Of course parents make a difference.

Yes, of course they do. And the second part of your post is very reasonable too.

I’m looking at the question through the lens of the parent of a neurodivergent child. I really hope I’ll never be disappointed in him personally, but if the anxiety and rigidity - which are an innate part of his condition and we can’t just parent out of him - prevent him from realising his potential and ambition (he has tons of both at the moment) I’ll be sad.

Similar situation here re: MH and employment and your father sounds a lot like mine.

Instead, they produced a bunch of non-marrying, non-reproducing, careerist women whose priorities they don’t approve of

Which just shows how little influence parents actually have and people should stop going on about their superior "parenting" (or lack thereof). People have free will and make their own minds up about what they want to do with their lives and what values they hold.

So why all the professional training, research on child development and parenting courses if your outcome is down to circumstance and genetic disposition. Of course parents make a difference

Yes but not to the extent that the "professional parenters" would like to think.

That's a lovely post!

I think taking some responsibility makes you a better, more empathic parent

Not much help when you've only had one - I can't learn and apply to any other children - sorry! My "parenting" is done and dusted, more or less. But I don't believe in "parenting" anyway, or parenting "styles". We are all human and although the "professional parenters" would like to think differently, none of us are perfect parents and our kids generally turn out well despite their upbringing, not because of it. We bring up our kids according to our circumstances and personalities.

Clearly some kids are badly abused, but that is a completely different issue.

This is difficult for me. I've already been through a kind of grieving process in a way because I have two neurodiverse children with difficulties. I didn't expect that! One is in special school and it is HARD. We don't have the life I expected, our challenges are different to our peers.
But it's a process and you come through it.
But I'm proud of the people they are.
I can only imagine I will be disappointed if they grow up with addiction or become criminal. As long as they are happy I will be proud as punch.

This is like asking if people are disappointed in the sex of their children...a few will admit but many more will actually feel it!

I would be disappointed if ds was an Andrew Tate loving incel. Luckily he isn't.