Who are the bullies?

[MadeOfAllWork]

I think many of have had experience of us or our DC being bullied at school, but this lead me to think, where are the bullies? No one admits to having done it, and no one admits that their children have done it.
They must be out there because so many of us have experienced it.

Were you a bully at school, but now realise what you did was bullying? Or have you realised that your DC was the bully.

Or is it one of those things, like littering or speeding, that we know happens because we’ve all seen it but no one admits to doing?

I wasn't a bully myself but I was probably a bit of a coward and never stepped in if I saw bullying going on.

I don't think my DS is a bully, he's never been accused of it anyway. A friend of my mum's had a lot of issues with her daughter being a bully.

I was bullied a bit on and off at school due to a skin condition. Kids are vile. I was beaten up a couple of times as well.

No one's going to admit to being a bully are they? No one is going to admit their kid is a bully either. But in my experience bullies are either unhappy, insecure or jealous people.

My DD was being bullied, not too bad though. I thought we had it handled by DD ignoring the girl, come to find out later my DD was working overtime fueling a rivalry with her because she loved the drama. She even made her own animated youtube videos trolling this girl and her friends by name! I found out when she was kicked out of her after school program over it. She was playing the victim (she was the true victim at first) and the instigator. Now I understand why she always related better to the Disney villains than the princesses lol. We're working on it!

My dad was a self-confessed bully at school who used to beat other kids up and taunt them.

He left school at 16 to go on the dole (that was literally his life plan) and after much prodding by his family got a job as a kitchen assistant in the canteen at his mum's office which lasted about 2 years before he was back on the dole.

As an adult he lied, stole (even a car at one point), had substance abuse problems and poor impulse control.

He died of alcoholism in his forties.

So they are out there but he never left his room in his final years so you wouldn't have seen him out and about.

Not a happy person at all and couldn't hold relationships together as an adult. I was the result of a one night stand in his late teens (my mum was stupid enough to put him on the birth cert and stay in touch and he genuinely didn't understand why she didn't want a relationship with him).

She was playing the victim (she was the true victim at first) and the instigator.

@junbean it's very common for children who have been bullied to go on to become bullies themselves as a means of taking back control and feeling empowered.

I was a bully at secondary school. I was very sensitive at primary school and got bullied myself. Decided when I moved up to high school I wasn't going to take it any more, unfortunately I went the other way. I immensely regret it now looking back and often wonder if I should message the people and apologise, one person in particular. She seems to be having a nice life now though, happily married with 2 young children so not sure what good it would do, probably ignore me which is no more then I deserve. I think if I saw her around then I would apologise.

For what it's worth I'm actually a very kind person now, hate confrontation and try to be nice to everyone.

I think a lot of people who are bullies don't recognise themselves as such. They might describe themselves as "forthright", "assertive" or "a natural leader", failing to recognise that true leaders can manage disagreement in ways that don't leave others feeling small. Most bullies are lacking in self-awareness.

That's very true. Luckily mine only targets those that's target her first, and then she runs wild with it.

When I look back I think there were times when I wasn't very kind to some people at school and I regret that. I wouldn't say it was bullying and not to anyone in particular, but I was a bit of a cow! It was rooted in feeling really insecure and I felt that, if I was quite scathing, it would keep people at a distance.

Don't forget there are plenty of adult bullies out there! I've worked with at least 4. I was on the receiving end of one of them for a very short time.

My dds were never bullies to my knowledge. There was a girl in our friendship group at secondary school who was a bit scruffy so we used to take the mickey out of her. She was basically the butt of our jokes and used to just laugh along, bless her. I realise that was bullying by all of us

The bully from our class has since become a journalist and written many articles about her own struggle with depression, how she was teased relentlessly at high school - she probably was unhappy but she certainly wasn't teased, because we were all absolutely terrified of her retaliation. One girl left school, another tried to end it all and mentioned her in the note she left for her family.

I see her byline every now and then and wonder about messaging her to let her know, but haven't seen the point.

I was bullied in primary school, ended up having to move schools. She was a vile person.

i wasn’t a bully but I wish I made more of an effort with those in secondary who was quiet and got some stick from others. It wasn’t kind of me.

The worst bullying is often inflicted by people who are ‘sort of’ friends. I was bullied during my final three years of secondary school, but I bet most them don’t remember it and would be surprised if I confronted them over what they did. No doubt they were suffering in their own way as well. The ring leader was kind of a friend (or, at least, never came out as an enemy), and many of the people who gleefully joined in had been close friends. I bumped into one of them in my 30s and she was all smiles, asked for my number, etc.

I don’t think it caused me much harm, oddly enough. Mainly, that’s because I never felt disliked or rejected. I knew it wasn’t personal. I knew they were doing it, and joining in, because it eased their own adolescent awkwardness and insecurity. I have nothing to do with any of them btw, and certainly didn’t want them in my life after I left school (I blanked one of them when they tried to be friendly at sixth from).

Looking back, I suppose I was vile to people at times. I wouldn’t say I bullied anyone consistently, but I was occasionally horrible. The only genuinely vicious bullying I can recall happened when I was about six. There was a girl who sat on my dinner table at primary school, and I bullied her for a few weeks until she cried and wouldn’t sit near me. To this day I can’t explain it - something about her face annoyed me. I feel total shame and regret for that now. I doubt she’d remember it, but if she’s out there, reading this, by a million to one chance, I am sorry with all my heart.

I doubt they remember it.

I was bullied in primary school and high school. That awful feeling, never knowing if this was the day my bully would decide I needed a slapping. I hated my home life too at that time. Like hell are the school days the best of your life.

Bullies don't see what they're doing as wrong. They grow up and still don't see themselves as the evil, life destroying shits they were. If they did know it was wrong, they wouldn't be doing it.