Who are the bullies?

[MadeOfAllWork]

I think many of have had experience of us or our DC being bullied at school, but this lead me to think, where are the bullies? No one admits to having done it, and no one admits that their children have done it.
They must be out there because so many of us have experienced it.

Were you a bully at school, but now realise what you did was bullying? Or have you realised that your DC was the bully.

Or is it one of those things, like littering or speeding, that we know happens because we’ve all seen it but no one admits to doing?

@Boxerthong I think you should start your own thread if you need advice.

I was part of a group of colleagues who bullied another colleague. I didn’t overtly bully her but didn’t stand up for her either. It was very subtle and very horrible and led by a horrible dept manager. When the bullied colleague left she was very frank about her experience and the dept manager was sent on a course and the dept monitored very closely. It stopped becusee she moved on. She was utterly awful. I realised my part and did get in touch with the ex colleague to acknowledge what had happened and apologised very sincerely. She was super gracious and accepted my apology.

My good friend was a bully in our group at school. Like a mean girls type. She says now that she had no idea anyone cared so much what she said or did and always thought she was the fat one and everyone else was thinner than her. She also doesn't remember at all a lot of incidents that scarred some of us for years.

I was in the mean girl group at school and didn't do enough to stand up to them. For me, it was better to be a part of the group than be their target (which happened quite often regardless).

The last day of year 11 was the last day I was friends with them. I stood alone while I waited to take my GSCEs and didn't go to any end of exam celebrations.

I do wonder how the main instigator feels now she has a daughter of her own.

You need to start your own thread and not hijack this one. Put your concern in your own thread over a few paragraphs

I was bullied a bit then my brother was we were taught to be quiet and polite which I think made us targets.
Many years later my colleagues who is over 20 yrs my junior admitted to having issues and a neglectful childhood told me he was the school bully and took some kind of pride in it.he became a drug dealer in a minor way and has issues with alcohol.
Now he is a great worker and colleague.
He may have some sort of MH issues that came out as anger.

I was bullied at school and I was bullied in 2 jobs. I'd never bully I always make an effort to include people. I do meet people as an adult I can imagine being childhood bullies.

I was both. I was bullied by a bunch of girls who were extremely unpleasant to me and my friends. We then made sure we distanced ourselves from one other girl who was their main target. When she left for 6th form I realised why we did that. Without her as a buffer I got the full force of the bullying. I’m not proud of it and wish I’d been nicer to her but I do understand my teenage self.

And bullies parents are often completely blind to it. My son had a bully (as did the whole class, football team, street, playgroup and any other setting that kid was a part of!) and the mother couldn't wouldn't see it. She'd stand there and smile indulgently as her kid lobbed bricks or shoved young kids to the ground.

She used terms like "high spirited" and "boys will be boys".

Her son once (okay, regularly) strangled mine so badly that passing adults had to intervene. The reason? Bully was trying to take something off my child and when my child gave up and let go, the bully smacked himself with the item. The excuse the mother gave when I went to speak to her? She said my son hit the boy with the item first and it was self defence. The kicker is, she had WATCHED the incident happen. She knew exactly what really occurred (passing adults told me everything) but her crazy brain saw a whole different story?

Oh and one of the bullies is now in a senior position in a school often mentioned on here as having excellent pastoral care and the children all being so nice to each other. I fond that really hard to come to terms with.

I got bullied horribly at school, and shamefully I took out my frustrations by bullying some other vulnerable kids. I’m not proud of it and I have apologize to them if I’ve met them since. I know a belated apology is no good, I can’t take back any damage I did, and it’s no doubt more about me absolving myself of my guilt, but I was a confused and hurting kid to, and I do genuinely regret the hurt I caused and the damage I did.

I think I was a bit like this - I wasn't a bully exactly but a bit sharp tongued and people were a bit wary. But I was also experiencing sexual abuse at home which my mother (who also taught in my school) was aware of and did nothing about for a year and a half (just told me to stay out of his way), and nobody knew at school so I think that had something to do with it.

Remember one bully is probably affecting a large number of people in one class over the course of their time at school. So though lots of people get bullied, it's not lots of people necessarily bullying.

And two of my so called friends were typical 'mean girls' who liked to treat me like their stooge and make fun/look stupid in front of others. All low level stuff but they delighted in their cleverness in making me look foolish.

I was bullied and excluded and subjected to things that werent quite bullying as well for years and years and then one day started retaliating myself, I did what I felt I had to do and was just a child but it got out of hand , primary schools are shit for bullying

Separating not being nice and being a bully is a difficult line to draw. There are many somewhere in the middle as well as the outright bully. It did tend to get overused as an accusation in my DC friendships groups for falling outs that were repairable. The old line that everyone is a villain in someone’s story.

I would lead with a jab, followed by a cross. Maybe throw in a few hard leg kicks to the thigh to soften her up a bit then go for a takedown. Then tap her out with a rear naked choke.

For those that were bullies, what would have stopped you?

A good hiding or the threat of one.

I was the school bully, I have never not openly admitted it

I wasn’t a bully, but I remember everyone being horrid to everyone at senior school. I was pretty low in the pecking order so I kept my head down and avoided being one of the main victims. I didn’t help the main victims of bullying, and made sure I nodded and laughed along. I was terrified of the bullies, they were rough, inner city kids and seemed ten years older than me, and I desperately didn’t want to be a victim. Very cowardly, I know. Not proud of it.

I’m a primary teacher now, and see small children who are very clearly bullies. I have told the parents and I have never met a parent who has received the news with any kind of dignity. They refuse to believe it and… you guessed it, have their little cherub play the victim, or try and play the SEN card.

What stopped me was in year 10 when I took my options, I chose drama (told everyone it was because it was an easy lesson where as really I loved drama) I got paired up with a girl that I would normally of never spoke to. She was actually lovely and we got on well. She told me I was actually a really nice person but she would never have spoken to me of we hadn't been placed together as I used to scare her. It was that point I realised what a that I was and actually being myself got me more friends and respect then trying to act all big and scary.

I think my issues at the time was that I had such low self esteem and felt very little of myself. Something that developed into anxiety and depression once I left school and lasted until I had my own children.