Who are the bullies?

[MadeOfAllWork]

I think many of have had experience of us or our DC being bullied at school, but this lead me to think, where are the bullies? No one admits to having done it, and no one admits that their children have done it.
They must be out there because so many of us have experienced it.

Were you a bully at school, but now realise what you did was bullying? Or have you realised that your DC was the bully.

Or is it one of those things, like littering or speeding, that we know happens because we’ve all seen it but no one admits to doing?

Just to add, if my children now bullied anyone or caused upset to any child, I would come down on them like a ton of bricks.

All of the bullies I recall from school had some sort of painful home life or trauma. One had been abandoned by her mum and lived with her abusive dad who was the local hard man. One was the only black girl in our school and experienced relentless racism. One was very tall and broad shouldered and called 'manly' by the boys every day. One was being abused by her stepdad. One had a mum who was on the game. One had both parents in prison.

They called me names but now I look back and I would much rather have had my life than theirs, both then and now.

@KeepTheTempo Bryony?

I was a bully for a while. Swinging from either bullying or being bullied myself. Why? Good question, I wasn't a very nice person is the simple answer. I didn't like myself very much.

The only upside is that I wasn't violent but a nasty little shit anyway. I'm deeply ashamed when I think back and wish I could turn back the clock.

I think most adults who were bullies at school fall into two camps,

1. They don’t recognise that they were one and likely grow up to be one of those “I just say it as it is and if you don’t like it, tough” types or
2. They say now “well I was bullied myself so I had to stand up for myself and be tough on others”

Very few will admit as adults that they were a dick at school

Definitely should be more punishment for bullies and less of this “well they are just kids”. Most know exactly what they are doing and would get arrested if they attacked people as an adult in the same way they attack people at school

I was bullied so bad I walked out of school at 14 i could not take any more.
Teachers did nothing but blame me.
I had no friends at all.
I had awful thing happened to me by kids and teachers.One girl made my life hell.
I hate schools always have always will and I hate bullies
I am a school hater loads of hate.
I was bullied at school and at home was worse and no one cared.
Run away from home the same day i walked out of school.( not been back since)

And when i come in power i will destroy all schools.
Above will not happen but i can dream.
Sorry for the rant i will now leave.

WTF is a SEN card

I was part of a group of girls who were mean to another girl , we were all about 14/15 and would “send her to Coventry” ignore or ostracize her . I suppose we were jealous as she was far more mature than us in many ways, I did feel guilty and it was emotional bullying and I went along with it . As I matured I realized how mean we were and many years later re - connected with that woman and apologized for my part in it , she was actually unconcerned and couldn’t remember any of it but I still felt bad .

Have you ever thought of saying sorry if you came across them in person or online.

I never bullied anyone and I wasn’t really bullied in primary school, more teased. Secondary school the first one it wasn’t really bullying more jealous behaviour. In my third school I knew someone who’d gone to my previous secondary school. She liked to lord it over others but then partly because she knew me from before (she’d assumed we’d be close friends when I joined this school) she decided after a while that I was being cheeky etc so she’d bullied me, mostly comments but threats outside eg the sports block. Anyway a few years later along with other school friends we became friends on FB and she wanted to meet up to apologise but I didn’t want to so avoided this. I did mention to her I forgave her for the bullying as it appeared she’d changed. She was really grateful for this and wrote and told me that her DM had bullied her as a child/teenager. However afterwards she offered me a free session of an alternative therapy (I didn’t take her up on this) but it seemed to me like she was trying to sell this therapy to me. We stayed in touch and were fairly friendly until one day I contacted her about something and she took ages to get back to me. When she finally did get back to me she was really rude to me saying she had clients who were very important and paid a lot of money for her services and were more deserving of her time. She basically turned into a bully again and proved she hadn’t changed a bit. I was pleased I’d never met up with her nor taken a free therapy session as I think it would only have eased her mind and proved to her she had control over me - why she’d want that I don’t know?

Anyway as @SistersNotCisters say, bullies don’t see their behaviour is wrong, they, like the woman above justify it to themselves as right.

I had another bully in my second job when I was 18/19. Vile disgusting woman who after she’d bullied me so I eventually left my job she bullied the graduates in the company but luckily she was called out on her behaviour and given a verbal or written warning for doing this.

Having had someone apologise to me for this I’d really say don’t bother. Bullies aren’t sorry they’ve bullied they just want to ease their conscience.

This very outing but i dont care.
THE QUEENS SCHOOL WISBEACH. 1997
worst year of my life i still think of the hell i went through in that school and outside it.
Dont worry they changed the school name but it still remains the same.
It was so bad my mum moved us and moved town never been back.

Another one:

St Columbus High School in Dunfermline - early 2000s.
The bullying there was an absolute joke. Every single day, someone was getting their head smashed off the marble foyer - the bullies spouting the same old crap! Always went for the "posh ones".
The local MSP got involved and the rectors response was "it depends on your definition of bullying". Didn't help, didn't get involved, but happily played the part of respectful church goer at the weekends. Awful bullying. Really wish I could forget my years there...

I’m not going to name my school where I was sort of attacked rather than bullied but my hair was set on fire in I think the third or fourth year by someone I’d barely known or spoken to before. I just walked out and never went back. DM spoke to head of year who wanted me to go back and DM asked her if this happened to you would you want to return to work. Silence from the head of year…

well some of the children I bullied have been close friends now for decades, even though one still has a scar. So yes, I said sorry

I now work in a school environment and one of the aunts at the school was the school bully in our year. When she arrives and sees me she scuttles off like a rat. She knows what she’s done but can’t face it. Some of the shit she caused would come under safeguarding and it’s no joke.
I haven’t revealed to the mum that I went to the same school as them and they all had a ‘reputation’ for being rather unpleasant.
It’s all very cloak and dagger.

I work a lot with teenagers and most 'bullying' is about dysfunctional relationships that young people have with their peer group because they lack emotional regulation and have poor role models of how to deal with emotions, drama etc. many accuse others of bullying because they've had cross words etc- that's not what I would call bullying.
That being said, I've apologised to 2 women I know I was unkind to- they were both desperate to be my friend and I felt they were incredibly uncool' and I didn't want to be seen with them. I remember that time of life (secondary) feeling very dog eat dog and instead of being the bigger person I did what I could to not stand out. I try to make my own children feel braver and more compassionate than I was.

Judging from when my son was bullied at primary school and Cubs/Scouts every single one of the parents thought their children were perfect angels who could do no wrong and thought the sun shone out of their arses.

They wouldn't hear a word against their kids and had many excuses as to why it couldn't be them or that they had been led astray (when it was only them doing it)

Worse was the teachers and leaders pathetic reaction to it (except Scouts where it was dealt with straight away and put a stop to) meaning it carried on till I removed my son from school/group.

I’ve worked with a couple over the years (NHS). One particular clique of women who were ok alone but put them on a shift together, absolute nightmare for many of us. There was a main instigator who started off the little in jokes, catty remarks etc. I guess she was the ring leader because without her it never happened. Woman in her 50s sadly. Funnily enough she’s been off sick over the years with MH/anxiety issues which is ironic.
We’ve had huge staff changes since Covid and most of her associates have left. Much better working environment now. It’s actually a nice place to be. Lately she’s been trying to set herself up as the ward agony aunt which is laughable. Who knows why she was a bully.. low self esteem, frustration with her own lack of career success or just generally enjoyed making others unhappy.

Give over with the misogyny. Totally unnecessary

I was bullied mercilessly in secondary school. It was a boarding school so no escape. I self harmed and was suicidal. She tried to add me on Facebook about 15 years ago. I accepted it just to tell her what she had done to me. She basically told me I should find god and get over it, never apologised. She said she had been sexually abused and it wasn't her fault. The adult in me can understand that she had been through trauma but the 13-16 year old child in me would never forgive that. She changed me as a person. She can rot in hell.

@JulianFawcettMP was about to say the same. No excuse for using Karen; it's a misogynist, often ageist slur.

That didnt take long.🙄
Was you a bully?

@Betruthful pulling someone up for using offensive terms is not being a bully...