Who are the bullies?

[MadeOfAllWork]

I think many of have had experience of us or our DC being bullied at school, but this lead me to think, where are the bullies? No one admits to having done it, and no one admits that their children have done it.
They must be out there because so many of us have experienced it.

Were you a bully at school, but now realise what you did was bullying? Or have you realised that your DC was the bully.

Or is it one of those things, like littering or speeding, that we know happens because we’ve all seen it but no one admits to doing?

You really think they’re close friends? I wouldn’t be in your case. If you’ve sincerely apologised I could forgive but not forget. Why did you do it?

There was someone in primary school, not in my class who thought she’d been unpleasant to me and she apologised to me for this. To be honest, I’d mostly forgotten about it and it wasn’t bullying. It was just a few silly words. The little cow in primary school who did try to bully me, finally my stepdad really scared her one night when she came to my house to presumably bully me. He chased her off and ran after her and her mates yelling at them when I was a teenager, I hadn’t seen her properly for years. Thank god she and her mates rang off and now she lives in Cornwall, other end of the country.

@Betruthful why would you think that? Which part of me post suggests that is was? Please tell me

Its not offensive.

@Betruthful

You don't think they using a perfectly normal name to denigrate women of a certain age isn't offensive? And you suggest I was a bully?

Physician heal thyself

Oh dear i think you have taken it the wrong way i am sorry for that.

@Betruthful Pease could you explain how I have taken it the wrong way?

I have a good friend whose teenage daughter was named Karen. Thanks to people like @Betruthful this 14 year old has changed her name.

@KeepTheTempo

I see her byline every now and then and wonder about messaging her to let her know, but haven't seen the point.

I'm wondering who the journalist is?!

Yes it is.

Both and I'm ashamed of both. Ashamed of being the bully and of being the one was persistently the target, the loner, the ostracized and scapegoated one.

I bullied people as a sort of self harm I think. If I got into trouble it felt like I was getting punishment I deserved. I was very self destructive physically and mentally. Sexual abuse and domestic abuse since a young child too.

I don't think that was an excuse for it just an explanation . It doesn't justify it.

I wouldn't want to bring back the bad memories for my victims, I hope they are having the happy lives they deserve now. I expect most of them are, those whose bully tend to be insecure losers, their victims are way better people, usually with a lot to offer.

OK sorry to all on here about my above comment i was just saying how i see my past bullies today. I meant no offence to anyone.
My comment about it didnt take long was not meant in a bad way when i asked are you a bully it was not meant like that.
I was just making light of a post where we have all been bullied. Obviously online you cant hear humour you read it.
So i guess i have got it all wrong with trying to be funny and i apologise.

No excuse but i am thick and 2 cans short of a 6 pack im not the brightest spark.
Sorry again.

@Betruthful I get humour but I don't find mocking others for things beyond their control funny.

That sad, I'm sorry you were bullied. I know how hard it is and I wish you the best

@Betruthful it's nice that you acknowledged that it wasnt that you meant harm and you're sorry. Please don't put yourself down like that though!

My son was a bully when he was very small. It was absolutely awful - the poor little girl he picked on had a terrible time.

I hadn't realised for a long time. When we were finally told, I started work with him to get him to realise that its an awful thing to do and absolutely not acceptable.

It's not an excuse but his father and I had just split up and it turned out he was deeply unhappy at his old school, although it's a very good one.

I reached out to his mother and we actually talked about it and apologised and made him apologise. She was very gracious but obviously very worried.

Over time he got better and in fact we changed schools in the end to one that suited him better. He's completely changed, far happier, and now he actually stands up for the kids that are being bullied and tells the bullies off.

It doesnt take away the damage to the little girl and I hope that one day he can bring himself to apologise to her and it can bring her some healing.

There was certainly an incident involving my dd that I never got to the bottom of. She's a grown up now-and I once asked her, and she said "I don't want to talk about it."

If it was her, then it never happened again...."

I was a bit mean in the first two years of secondary school. I guess I was just trying to assert my authority in some way and I was very immature. It wasn't relentless bullying and never physical. More, saying stupid things to embarrass others. I'm not proud of that at all.

But, I got my comeuppance as I was treated badly by my so called friends (mean girl types) in the latter years of senior school, left out of things, ostracised etc. I probably deserved it.

Well, as one named her daughter after me, one asked me to be her maid of honour, and one came to stay with me when her marriage broke down, yes they are friends, and have been now for 40+ years

One of my childhood bully's has become a good friend. She had no idea. She thought it was "banter" she's a truly lovely person in adult life

We used to hear a lot of similar stuff to this at our very progressive school. Sometimes it was true. But labelling it 'dysfunctional relationships' or identifying how the bullies were hurting also allowed the teachers to ignore how a handful of children were repeated perpetrators across groups, and how like another pp said, bullying can absolutely happen between what outwardly seems like friends.

My school bully once choked me until I fainted because I wouldn't be her partner in drama class. She told boys untrue things about how I secretly fancied them, how far I'd 'gone' with other boys and would go. Told my friends that if they stuck up for me, they'd be next. I wasn't her first victim or her most harmed, but because we were outwardly part of the same friendship group (small school, not many options, her using fear and what was a fair bit of natural charisma to stay just about in), and because I was considered pretty and she was not, it got dismissed as 'girl drama' or even that maybe she was retaliating for something I did. Racism was probably a part of it too, she was local, while I had a different look and accent.

Unlike some of her other targets, I was lucky to have other friends for support and got through it, but still think that the adults enabling and dismissing her actions is one of the reasons that as an adult I took so long to realise that I was in an abusive relationship.