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Original poster

Have you ever been told you are intimidating/scary?

116 replies

cecilythornton · 09/10/2023 19:57

It turns out that some colleagues thought I was intimidating/scary. I mentioned this to dh and he said some of his friends had asked him if he was scared of me too!

This is such strange news to me. I always thought of myself as quite nice and chatty/friendly.

DH thinks it’s because I’m a well educated woman and some men find that intimidating. I’m well spoken, dress fairly traditionally, and I suppose not awfully unattractive.

OP posts:
novocaine4thesoul · 10/10/2023 01:12

Hearing is silver, listening is gold.

Frances0911 · 10/10/2023 01:31

I was told by my manager that a colleague whom I'd spoke to for less than five minutes, had said I was a know it all. Apart from it being unprofessional of her to repeat this, I really had to rack my brains as to how she could have thought this, and can only think it's because I am well spoken and have a degree.

Reflecting on it, I think it all comes down to jealousy and insecurity.

Weatherwax13 · 10/10/2023 02:18

All my fucking life. Like @Aquamarine1029 I take it as a compliment .

BMrs · 10/10/2023 02:57

Yes. At work by men because I'm quite a straight talker and senior. And I was shocked to hear two women say it recently when I went on a hen and met new people. At first meeting me they thought I was 'posh and stuck up'. This one totally shocked me as me and DH working class backgrounds and totally down to earth (IMO) and I often have insecurities about fitting in the middle class area we now live in.

GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal · 10/10/2023 03:16

Oh yeah, loads. I'm tall, confident, and have resting bitch face. I'm actually very nice but I don't take anyone's crap, so it's maybe a little justified.

PostOpOp · 10/10/2023 03:34

I'm saving this thread for my daughter who is exactly like I was and I'm I want her to know it's ok and it's not uncommon.

I was told it a lot in my late teens/early twenties by both men and women, but primarily men. I was basically intelligent and competent (not excelling though, just good enough) at most things. I understood it as a really negative quality as I was leaving an abusive childhood and actually just wanted everybody to like me!

As someone above mentioned, quite often men who said they found me intimidating would ask me out. I hadn't thought about it until now.

I ended up marrying one and he took pleasure in breaking me down.

I think it's something attractive to some types of abusive men - there's the thrill of the chase, then the thrill of the catch and then they get a thrill at a slow destruction/dominance of an "intimidating woman".

DD has the confidence I never had, is actively good (not just competent) at most things and I can see she's going to be told she's "intimidating". She's still young so I've started prepping her already, slowly by sewing seeds of the idea that if someone finds you intimidating, that's their problem!

anareen · 10/10/2023 03:39

🤣 you weren't made for the weak babe! 💜🙌🏻 👏🏻

anareen · 10/10/2023 03:40

PurpleChrayne · 10/10/2023 00:28

Oh all the fucking time.

And it's like they expect me to change or something.

Not happening!

👏🏻🙌🏻👏🏻🙌🏻💜💜💜💜

LunaNorth · 10/10/2023 05:31

Yeah, usually by inadequate men.

LunaNorth · 10/10/2023 05:41

I’m dying to know what jobs you all do. You all sound really impressive!

SirChenjins · 10/10/2023 07:32

theduchessofspork · 09/10/2023 23:50

Just because people occasionally a person you scary doesn’t mean that person a bully, it can be for all sorts of reasons, most of which they will have no control over.

Your experience with one woman is not some kind of universal marker

Show quote history

Point to where I said “occasionally “.

EBearhug · 10/10/2023 07:52

I have. It was clearly meant as a criticism, but as the only woman in the department, I fail to see what the problem was. (The problem was not me; it was a senior manager who liked to bully people into submission; I knew from the start I couldn't let that happen to me.)

GingerLiberalFeminist · 10/10/2023 07:55

Yeah by women usually. I have RBF and am tall. It was worse when I had short hair, oddly.

I've tried to work on it...!

Codlingmoths · 10/10/2023 07:57

Yes. I was quite surprised when someone extended it to if they were stuck on a desert island they wouldn’t want to be stuck with me as I would kill and eat them. I’m really extremely nice!

Splitscreened · 10/10/2023 07:58

keffie12 · 09/10/2023 23:36

Yes, same here. My husband said, "It's because I'm assertive and won't take no be it man or woman."

I'm educated and not conventional in dress at all, accept when I can't get away with my boho/punk style 😎

It's scary to man cos they don't know how to deal. To women, they don't like the direct, no-nonsense, straightforward approach I come with.

I cant ado with bitching, backbiting and gossip. I will and do call it out

Oh, don’t be silly. Maybe you should find more interesting (or straight-talking) women to be around. The suggestion that you’re unpalatable to other women for your directness and lack of bitching makes you sound like you think you’re ‘not like other girls’.

StBrides · 10/10/2023 08:07

Only by my sister. I think this is because I I'm the only one in the family who stands up to her & calls her out on her behaviour, I witness how much hurt & upset it causes and it breaks my heart.

Strangely, I'm pretty scared of her & haven't confronted her in years. She's become sharper and far less kind and combined with the way she punishes people for upsetting her I just don't have it in me anymore.

Friends call me strong - I'm quick to defend others when I see them mistreated - but it saddens me because too often it means people assume I can cope & don't need support. Most of the time I struggle

andtheworldrollson · 10/10/2023 08:16

@Splitscreened

I think you can read the posts as meaning "women on average " where there groups women and men are mentioned

Because there are average women behaviours and expectations and women do bully people who are different

But when you mention the problem you are immediately accused of "not like other women".

MadKittenWoman · 10/10/2023 10:30

SylvieLaufeydottir · 09/10/2023 20:01

Yes. Loads of times. Despite the fact I'm physically tiny.

I'm smart, I'm confident, and I have resting bitch face. I think that's all it takes really. It doesn't worry me, rather the reverse if anything.

Are you me?! Grin

Splitscreened · 10/10/2023 10:40

andtheworldrollson · 10/10/2023 08:16

@Splitscreened

I think you can read the posts as meaning "women on average " where there groups women and men are mentioned

Because there are average women behaviours and expectations and women do bully people who are different

But when you mention the problem you are immediately accused of "not like other women".

The post I was responding to made misogynistic generalisations about women., by a female poster who appeared to pride herself on other women being unable to deal with her because of her directness and straight talk, as contrasted with implicitly female norms of bitchiness and gossip.

No harm in pointing that out for the internalised misogyny it is.

pointythings · 10/10/2023 11:19

Yes, and it still happens sometimes. I am tall, confident, well spoken and knowledgeable in my field. I agree it's code for female who takes no shit from people.

junbean · 10/10/2023 11:47

I've gotten the same thing many times- only from men! I'm shy, meek, small, etc. But when I do talk I try to at least sound intelligent. Men can't handle that we all know it.

Bansheed · 10/10/2023 11:54

I have always been called intimidating and have lost count of how many women have said, when i first met you i didn't like you. These women, i think, didn't want to like me, for their own internal reasons. They did not stand out negatively to me. Men have siad it at work, i am senior.

It is a code used for confident, competent and bright women. I have no RBF, usually smiling, unless someone says something spectacularly rude or stupid, and then i would question them.

I love my friends and am very social but know that for a lot of folks i am initially a bitter pill to swallow. I think it is because i do not tolerate BS, but to flip that, i am always the first there if you need an ear and a cup of tea large glass of wine

JudyGemstone · 10/10/2023 12:56

BMrs · 10/10/2023 02:57

Yes. At work by men because I'm quite a straight talker and senior. And I was shocked to hear two women say it recently when I went on a hen and met new people. At first meeting me they thought I was 'posh and stuck up'. This one totally shocked me as me and DH working class backgrounds and totally down to earth (IMO) and I often have insecurities about fitting in the middle class area we now live in.

I’ve had ‘posh’ too. I’m very far from posh!
I think when some people say this they mean ‘can express themselves clearly’

marketing101 · 10/10/2023 13:01

I think I'm the polar opposite, I'm rarely not smiling and i don't think I could be scary or intimidating if I tried hard!

LivingDeadGirlUK · 10/10/2023 13:02

Only once I'm aware of, I was just trying to get everyone to do a proper job and not fudge stuff!

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