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Original poster

Have you ever been told you are intimidating/scary?

116 replies

cecilythornton · 09/10/2023 19:57

It turns out that some colleagues thought I was intimidating/scary. I mentioned this to dh and he said some of his friends had asked him if he was scared of me too!

This is such strange news to me. I always thought of myself as quite nice and chatty/friendly.

DH thinks it’s because I’m a well educated woman and some men find that intimidating. I’m well spoken, dress fairly traditionally, and I suppose not awfully unattractive.

OP posts:
afaloren · 09/10/2023 20:21

Yes by other members of a hobby group that I did very well in. Once they got to know me they quickly changed their minds Grin I’m a flump.

RosesAndHellebores · 09/10/2023 20:23

Yep. Other words are: disciplined, driven, confident, forthright, competent. I am in the twilight of my career and shall retire in 23 and a half months. I plan to be indomitable in retirement

iwishiwasonhol · 09/10/2023 20:25

Yes often at work but its because im a very private person and dont feel the need to tell everyone i work with about my personal life , i do have a resting bitch face/ dry sense of humor that not everyone i work with gets ,but i always get customer compliments say i was helpful and always have a smile on my face ,so im not sure if i do actually have a resting bitch face

Johnisafckface · 09/10/2023 20:26

All the time. It doesn't help that I have deeper voice for a woman, I have resting bitch face and I'm built like a brick wall 😂

ZoeyBartlett · 09/10/2023 21:03

Yes often. In fact it was in some 360' feedback at work. I expressed joy given my role and got a badge made with the feedback on it which I wore proudly.

100% sure it was from a man and he wouldn't have said same about another man.

Hatty65 · 09/10/2023 21:10

Yes. A former manager - quite a blunt sort - once told me they always used to take a deep breath before opening an email from me, which surprised me. I thought I was simply 'being clear' about requests.

Apparently I was more than clear. And quite scary over what I would and would not tolerate. I always thought I was friendly and helpful.

Colourfulponderings · 09/10/2023 21:12

Yes by a school mum I’m really intimidated by! I find it fascinating that we’re both checking out the other thinking she’s scary - I was gobsmacked when she said it.

SirenSays · 09/10/2023 21:12

Yes. Only by women. I have a serious rbf

Olika · 09/10/2023 21:14

Gosh I cracked up about your DH's friends bit 😂

Rosebud21 · 09/10/2023 21:23

Yes, by men and women, a manager had suggested I sometimes need to play the game, problem being I don't always understand others games.

@SisterMichaelsHabit would you be happy to share some of your cultivated ways of putting others at ease?

eandz13 · 09/10/2023 21:31

I'm told this often! I always just think it's funny, I'm really short and I'm nice to people, it must be my face or my voice or something. I'll ask DP what he reckons it is as he's told me in the past that he agrees with it Grin

Elderflower14 · 09/10/2023 21:33

Me... I have a lot of train companies who I think quake in their boots when I ring them up to book assistance for my son.
At Christmas time one train company effectively abandoned him to get himself and his luggage on the train.. I was absolutely furious and rang the company up. I gave the man at head office such a rollicking that he rang the man at DS arrival station three times to make sure they knew he was coming. The man at.the arrival station was waiting with an unnecessary wheelchair when I arrived. I put ds suitcase in it and wheeled it to the car.
My friend in America reckons all the train companies have a recording of my voice now!! 🤣 🤣 🤣

EwwSprouts · 09/10/2023 21:49

Yes, over many years. I think it's mainly from a combination of reasonable intelligence, always having done the background reading, the complete lack of a poker face and a tendency to look people straight in the eye. I don't raise my voice, am short and actually a glass half full kind of person.

Maverickess · 09/10/2023 21:50

Yes, now I'm older I'm told I'm intimidating, when I was younger I was told I was miserable, didn't matter what I was actually feeling.

I have serious RBF, and am tall and broad. I used to have a bit of an athletic frame which is now just, well, large. And I'm more self assured, competent and confident.

I do hear 'I was scared of you when I started' at work from the younger ones, which probably comes from me not taking bullshit from one particular department that is well known (in general not just where I work) for being hot headed and dramatic and defending other staff (especially the young ones) as well - I have been known to be called everyone's 'work mum'!

iknowimcoming · 09/10/2023 21:54

I was shopping last week and was in a store which has a lift directly down into the carpark I was parked in so I thought cool I'll use that, when I got down to the carpark level the exit to the carpark was blocked by those electric roll-down security grille thingamybobs so I sighed, got back in the lift, went back up to the store and walked thru to the exit at the other end.

On my way I passed a till and there were 2 staff there, one serving one not, so I said 'excuse me - it might be worth sticking a note up in the lift to let people know you can't get down to the carpark that way?' The man then gave me a very long (dull) explanation about them having maintenance work done on the grille's, so I said 'sure, but you could just put a note up in the lift to save peoples time?'

Then the other staff member joined in saying that they really couldn't avoid the work being done (in a slightly aggy tone) and I was a bit taken aback and said 'look I'm not having a go at you - I'm just saying if you put a note in the lift other people wouldn't make the same mistake I did!' and then I left thinking Jesus - do I really come across as some kind of aggressive loon? I was genuinely just trying to be helpful! Confused

WingedHermes · 09/10/2023 21:56

Yes loads. By men and women. Although it's only men who've told me to change my behaviour so I'm more feminine.

StinkerTroll · 09/10/2023 21:56

I have a friend with the same name as me, we are differentiated by our nicknames, hairy and scary.......

Blessedbethefruitz · 09/10/2023 22:18

Never. I'm mid 30s, short, RBF and I have a STEM PhD. Working full time in b2b tech media. Judging by this thread there's something wrong with me!

JayAlfredPrufrock · 09/10/2023 22:21

Yep. All my life. Had it written in appraisals. Feedback from colleagues, friends, family, neighbours.

🤷‍♀️

I’m educated and opinionated and don’t suffer fools.

I think I’m a pussycat.

crackofdoom · 09/10/2023 22:25

Yes, by men. Doesn't take much to scare them, does it? 🙄

My 13 year old says I'm "badass", which I take as a massive compliment.

But, unpicking it a bit...how complacent are men about their privilege that when their path through life isn't eased by women rolling over in front of them, and they have to face one who speaks to them like an equal that they recoil in terror?

FiddleLeaf · 09/10/2023 22:27

Yep, always men. Little (mentally) men.

If they were truly scared and intimidated they wouldn’t tell you. It’s control.

threecupsofteaminimum · 09/10/2023 22:35

Yes. All through my life. Blush

JaxiiTaxii · 09/10/2023 22:37

Yeah loads. Mainly at Christmas parties.

I have a job that makes grown men, in particular, sweat which I've done for a long time and I'm quite good at.

I can smell bullshit a mile off & follow the scent like a terrier until they crack or I'm satisfied.

I'm actually very lovely.

ReeseWitherfork · 09/10/2023 22:38

Yes only a handful of times and always women. (Oh, and DH.) The first time I was 16 and it really stuck with me. I wasn’t sure what to make of it, and still don’t.

I’m the sort who would apologise if you spilled coffee on me, so I’m not entirely sure what makes me intimidating.

Boundoverbyacat · 09/10/2023 22:39

Yes, my whole life. Usually it’s a convo like ‘I thought you were so scary until I got you know you.’ It’s just something people think about women who are confident and intelligent. Sad really