Have you ever been told you are intimidating/scary?

[cecilythornton]

It turns out that some colleagues thought I was intimidating/scary. I mentioned this to dh and he said some of his friends had asked him if he was scared of me too!

This is such strange news to me. I always thought of myself as quite nice and chatty/friendly.

DH thinks it’s because I’m a well educated woman and some men find that intimidating. I’m well spoken, dress fairly traditionally, and I suppose not awfully unattractive.

Often at work. After some difficult experiences when I was younger, I now do not take any crap from anyone. I do not allow men to talk over me in meetings. I do not allow them to take credit for my work. I do not sit quietly while they cock things up. I give my opinions clearly and honestly, and I am not worried about changing my mind if there is evidence of a better approach.

Oh, and I ALWAYS do my preparation. Apparently confidence and competence can be intimidating.

Yes, by members of my team and by my sons!

Oh yes. I’ve been called a ‘ball breaker’ by some men in the figurative sense. Had to be, was in a very male dominated career.

Yes, all the time, by both men and women. Most recently by my psychologist when I started talking about work. 😂

I'm told that I'm either fun (out of work) or scary (at work). I usually scare the living daylights out of people who only know me socially who catch a sudden glimpse of work me. 😛

Yes. Only by people who don't know me well. It comes in quite handy sometimes, especially at work. I'm actually a complete pussycat.

PLEASE stop everyone with the ‘I have resting bitch face’. You don’t have to be smiley all the time, this is an incredibly misogynistic term coined by men to imply just that. It’s your face. It’s a normal face.

Yes, although I am tiny (not even 5 foot tall) and generally very cheerful. It’s just that I have a loud voice, a death glare honed through years of teaching and give it both barrels if I am angry.

Yes, frequently. I look quite physically capable, do a job that backs this up and I have no problem in being assertive when needed.

Yes. But I grew up in a matriarchy and I was raised to know I was as good as any man, to always stand up for myself, that my opinion and my comfort level was very important, and that being feisty was no bad thing.

I'm not very tall but I often get people saying they're surprised that I'm not taller when I stand next to them.

Yes, quite often and usually by men. The one woman who has said it has said it in an approving way, not so the men. I give no fucks. It's not my job to make them feel comfortable and I'm pretty sure most of them mean it as a subtle put-down, a sort of 'you're very assertive for a woman, it's not attractive you know!'. Not something that man would say to another man I don't think...

I’m actually smiley all the time. I’m like the Cheshire Cat. Much more unnerving.

This is a very good point actually.

Probably no better but when people tell me I look too serious and/or miserable when my face is just there being my face and not animated in a constant smile..... I reply that I'm fine, but unfortunately ugly and that gives the impression I'm miserable/grumpy...... it embarrasses the shit out of the person who has said it up to now, there's a bit of spluttering and "You're not ugly...... I didn't mean that.....".
I used to get it a fair amount at one work place, because it did used to really get to me and I used to get upset about constantly accused of being miserable and grumpy when I wasn't, which made certain people do it all the more - this approach stopped it almost overnight.

Yes many times I find it utterly baffling as I’m a total underachiever.

Ha ha I say this all the time. My friend likes to point out "yes, but kitty's got claws"

I get told this a lot. But honestly most people are supportive of it, like its a quality they respect in me. I don't fight for the sake of it, I fight hardest for the benefit of others. I am very forthright, and sometimes down right blunt. But I honestly just want what's right for everyone and I am always willing to discuss, negotiate or debate. I never shout and I only swear in good spirits - never in anger.

I also agree there have been times when I've been told this and they'd never say it about a male colleague. I had a colleague who everyone said was terrifying. She was incredibly good at her job and very highly respected. She rose to the top of her profession. I always felt a little sad that the very qualities that made her a brilliant leader and manager were described as being intimidating and frightening only because she was a woman and not expected to be so strong and capable.

My boss was scary when she came into post and I told her so after putting up with it for long enough - told her that I was no longer prepared to be scared or intimidated by her and that her behaviour was tantamount to bullying. It wasn’t a compliment. The most inspiring, confident, capable people I have worked for over the years have not been scary or intimidating in the slightest and I model my own leadership style on them - I don’t want anyone to be scared of me, I don’t get the best out of them if they are.

Yes, same here. My husband said, "It's because I'm assertive and won't take no be it man or woman."

I'm educated and not conventional in dress at all, accept when I can't get away with my boho/punk style 😎

It's scary to man cos they don't know how to deal. To women, they don't like the direct, no-nonsense, straightforward approach I come with.

I cant ado with bitching, backbiting and gossip. I will and do call it out

Yes. It's my superpower.

Yes. I have a colleague who told me she was scared of me for a year!!!

I have a strong resting bitch face.

Occasionally

Which I am fine with

Just because people occasionally a person you scary doesn’t mean that person a bully, it can be for all sorts of reasons, most of which they will have no control over.

Your experience with one woman is not some kind of universal marker

Yes - usually by men who aren't capable enough to do my job or don't like people who may occasionally know more than them.

Oh all the fucking time.

And it's like they expect me to change or something.

Not happening!

Yep, also only ever told this by men. Was also told I “scared most men off”, again by a man I had no interest whatsoever in dating (I was married).

Apparently it is intimidating that I even exist in the world as a female doctor, as some men then feel inadequate that they are less clever and earn less. Oh well 🤷‍♀️

Countless times. It's a massive compliment in my opinion.