Anyone else have a child who cries before school every day? What did you do?

[Uuuggghhh]

Dd cries before school almost every day. And, before bed, she cries then about going to school the next day too. It isn’t bullying. It isn’t anything worrying. It’s because she doesn’t like it there.

I do not know what to do. I am making appointments at open days of other schools (private) in the hope that might help? But could it? Or will it just be the same thing somewhere else?

What did others do?

My ds is on the spectrum and he couldn't cope with ' naughty' children in the class. As his y8 tutor wrote on his report 'he always follows the rules and doesn't understand when others don't'. In one class the boys used to like to hide each other's bags. He had a total meltdown when they hid his and had to be taken to a quiet area. This was at his private school but they handled it well and after that it was okay, I don't think the other boys realised how it would affect him. The school also encouraged sport and believed there was a sport for everyone- and he found his - non mainstream- but it keeps him active which he loves.

@TwigTheWonderKid

Routine is so important for all children! Children thrive when they know what to expect. It is a source of comfort. Routine helps reduce overall stress. Imagine the child being stressed about school and then not knowing what that day will bring when they get home. That would induce more stress and anxiety. If the child knows what to expect when they come home they will be more apt to feel calmer.

A healthy routine is of course important but the poster I was replying to said that "The most important thing is routine. "

In this case, I don't believe it is the most important thing. Dragging a child into school when there is clearly an underlying and unknown issue for the sake of maintaining a routine is not more important that the child's mental health.

Definitely worth talking to school and seeing what's going on. It might be something specific. I went through a phase in secondary school of playing up on a Monday and not wanting to go. Mine was specifically because we had school assemblies and we sat on the floor. When we left the hall we went row by row and I had put on weight and hated having to stand up in front of everyone and walk out. I used to sometimes get pins and needles in my legs too and would panic about falling/tripping. It can be amazing how something that seems so small can have such a big impact. I was a very sensitive child as well so there could be some specific event causing the anxiety.

I hope you get to the bottom of it soon

I don’t suppose you’re in London are you? If so, could I dm you to get the name of your son’s school? It sounds lovely!

@TwigTheWonderKid

I see. I must have misread somewhere. That is a difficult one.

I am going through the same thing with my child. I am making steps behind the scenes to get the ball rolling to figure out what is going on/solutions. However, going to school is not up for discussion. I don't want to start that battle. It just seems like it would make everything more chaotic. As of this point, I am attentive, nurturing, validating etc and my child doesn't have to question if today they will go to school or not based on my answer etc. My child knows they can unload everything with me at home and that we will talk it through and they know they are supported.

@Uuuggghhh

Sadly not - we’re in the New Forest. I’m sure others will have some great recommendations for London schools however.

I’m in North London! Suggestions would be very welcome - thank you! We’d travel to east / central / further north London for something that works better.

i’m also reading people’s experiences with home-schooling with interest!

To those who suggest CBT - should I go to the GP for this? To talk about her anxiety?

I'd go to the GP about the anxiety first - I think the wait is long for NHS at the moment but if you're considering private schooling then could you afford to look for private counselling or CBT?

Start with the GP and see how it goes - it might not be the school itself but something else going on in her life or that is relatively easily solved without going to the lengths of moving school or taking her out altogether.

I had the constant nausea anxiety before school for years and would even throw up on occasion. GP dismissed this as I don't think anxiety was well understood years ago. It was eventually diagnosed as IBS.

It totally vanished after doing counselling in my 20s.

Are you sure there isn’t something going on at school? My son was tearful all last term about school, started this term and 2 days in tells me he’s not friends with the child he was friends with last year as he bosses him around - suddenly he’s much happier and no tears. Everyone thought they were great mates but turns out he just couldn’t tell me how he made him feel. It’s heartbreaking seeing your child so upset, I hope you get to the bottom of it

This was me at school. It is a genuinely horrible feeling that goes beyond a simple and appropriate childhood resistance to doing something you don't feel like. I have since been diagnosed with autism and ADHD (in early adulthood), and I can now identify my horror, dread and suffering at school with being forced to socialise and interact, and forced to think about and do things that I found boring and not related to my special interests.

Of course, the answer isn't as simple as always letting a child only do things they want to do, but a balance has to be found. "They have to learn that school is non-negotiable" just doesn't cut it for many - it's not reflective of real life.

You're doing amazing by actually responding to her needs, OP.

Please consider a small private school. Not an hot house big school with secondary but one of these small family feeling schools. I am in south west London and there are a few here to choose from. My daughter goes to one, several children joined from state or bigger schools with the same issues and thrived here. Many got very confident and went to big state secondary without problems, others went to bigger private secondary schools and a few to small private secondary schools. The Head helped the parents to choose the right school for them, which was a great relief for the parents, having had bad starts in primary before joining.

Shame you aren't in SW London @Uuuggghhh . Do you think a school like this would be a good fit for her? https://www.libertywoodlandschool.com

I know it's an international school sosy not be right for your family but my friend has recently started teaching at the Halcyon International School and their ethos sounds amazing.

Don't you think that's half the reason? Why would she want to go to school when she can stay home & play all day. You need to toughen up before this becomes a real problem for both of you.

I hope you and your daughter find a solution. I used to walk a child to school with mine because their younger sister was so distressed going to school every day and the elder sibling then ended up being late. The parents were kind and supportive (school probably less so) but this carried on all through primary. Secondary seemed better.

This was me as a child. I used to cry so much I'd be sick.

I was "teased" like your daughter and found that hard. I also very much felt like an outsider. I was always outside of the groups. No real real friends and I felt very excluded. I still feel like this but as an older child, teenager and adult I learnt to live with it - I'm never going to be the popular kid.

I also had issues with pain. Hated PE because I struggled with it (I've never been big just hated running because my legs always hurt and hated swimming because I can't swim) and I hated walking up the stairs to classes because I suffer with horrendous vertigo and almost always had a panic attack going upstairs. As an adult I discovered that I have a musculoskeletal disability which causes this extreme pain in my legs. It's a hidden condition so no one could have known I had it.

Now, looking back, I'm angry that I wasn't taken seriously. I had real issues with school. The teasing was bullying. My physical pain was ignored and I had to learn to live with it. I was deemed weird, I struggled to make friends and I didn't fit in. This has affected me going forward. I will always have imposter syndrome thinking my friends aren't really my friends and I push myself physically way too hard because I need to prove I can do it.

There is an underlying issue. Whether she admits to what it is or not. Does the teasing affect her? How does she feel about school after the fact? Is she well in herself (might be worth seeing the doctor to discuss these episodes as they could be panic attacks with no known trigger)? Does she have a good steady group of friends and how does she feel about that? Does she feel like she doesn't fit in?

Talk to the teacher about the bullying. Do you think she would be able to do half days? My cousins two children have a reduced timetable?

it’s so hard (I mean that genuinely) 💐 and DDs 💐

I had this with my daughter and it went on for 2 years. School would just leave us in the playground every morning while she was crying and clinging on to me. It started getting worse and she would start crying Sunday afternoons in fear of going back. It nearly tore our family apart because we were all so stressed. No bullying or anything, she just hated it.
We trialled her a day at the local independent school where her brother attended on a scholarship and she just breezed in and had a great day. The first thing she said was ‘the teacher asked us to sit down and everyone just did it. No one threw anything!’
We were very fortunate that she was offered a bursary to attend too, and in a week she was a different child. The crying and misery stopped instantly. She’s year 10 now and in the senior school and still thriving. It’s 100% worth looking at other places. I just wish we moved her sooner.

This sentence really stands out to me: the teacher asked us to sit down and everyone just did it. No one threw anything!

More and more children find school hard and the disruptive behaviour, which is a way of communicating they are not ok, flows outwards and affects other children, like ripples on a pond. This is due to lack of investment, resources and staffing. Children who might have been ok are not because the environment doesn’t feel safe or productive, due to others who are expected to cope in an unsuitable environment.

I home educate, OP. If your daughter is happy and contented at home while you work, it sounds like home Ed could suit her. If private was an option for me, I would have done that before home Ed, but home Ed has been so fun and rewarding for all of us. Good luck.

I sympathise , my year 11 still does not like school she never has.
It probably started in year 1 and she used to cry pretty much every day , no big dramas just a few tears , she said she would think about me and missed me.
She had no problems with her work or friends or any of the things that bother kids at school she just preferred being at home.
She used to ask me if i could home educate her but that wasn't possible.
It has vastly improved as she has matured , but she is still happier out of school.
I also hated school but she doesn't know that , i think that many kids feel the same and its not the right learning environment for all.
I hope you find a solution.

I work from home, so it's fine that she's here as she's no real bother in terms of my work. Plays with her toys happily, or reads a book. She's a very easy child to have around.

Ah well, there we are. She likes being at home with you. She'd much rather be playing at home than be at school, and unfortunately, your working arrangements are facilitating it.

You are unwittingly playing right into her hands. If her being at home was next to impossible because you worked full time somewhere else, and having to take time off was a severe inconvenience, perhaps it wouldn't have got this far.

She sounds very much like my year 4 DD.
We were referred to local mental health team by school and I did a group CBT course following this book:
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Helping-Your-Child-Fears-Worries/dp/1472138619/ref=asc_df_1472138619?nodl=1&tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=310973726618&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=17198867069918689102&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9045487&hvtargid=pla-684582770619&psc=1&dplnkId=1a463586-78b8-4d6a-9e48-622bf8ecb559
My daughter goes to school quite well now, she still has anxieties but at least I have some strategies to deal with them.

I had a while of dragging my eldest into primary kicking and screaming. I was sure she was just being awkward because she had loads of friends, and as someone who had no friends at school that looked like success to me.

When she started secondary she changed overnight into a proper little girl. No more tantrums and arguments, up and ready every morning and happy to go in.

Some things happened at the end of primary that made me realise that when she said she hated school she had very good reason. I wish I'd listened to her and taken her seriously. I was brought up to believe that teachers were always right. She cured us of that and I was a lot more attentive to "moods" afterwards.