Anyone else have a child who cries before school every day? What did you do?

[Uuuggghhh]

Dd cries before school almost every day. And, before bed, she cries then about going to school the next day too. It isn’t bullying. It isn’t anything worrying. It’s because she doesn’t like it there.

I do not know what to do. I am making appointments at open days of other schools (private) in the hope that might help? But could it? Or will it just be the same thing somewhere else?

What did others do?

She’s currently off school again today because it’s so heartbreaking. But this term she’s almost had one absence a week! I don’t know what to do.

How old is she and what year is she in at school?

Can you afford to keep having days off everytime she cries and doesn't want to go?

I would have to send my child regardless because I have a business to run and bills to pay unfortunately.

We tried him in multiple schools and eventually decided to Home Educate. For ours, best decision. It doesn't work for everyone of course but thankfully it does here. The key is to make sure they get proper socialising! He thrives academically and emotionally now.

How old is she? Why does she get so upset? Are you positive there is no bullying going on?

She’s in year 4, almost 9.

When she cries, she’s genuinely distressed at the idea of going. She has never really liked school before, but never reacted like this. It’s the first time I’ve let her stay off so much. (When she stays off, she says she feels sick - some of the absences are the school calling and getting me to pick her up because she tells them she feels sick.)

I really don’t want things to carry on - the absences or the misery!

I work from home, so it’s fine that she’s here as she’s no real bother in terms of my work. Plays with her toys happily, or reads a book. She’s a very easy child to have around.

My daughter does this too. I think she gets a bit anxious about the day ahead, but school is non negotiable and she knows it. If you let your daughter have a day off because she’s crying then she will keep crying. I work in a school and there’s always a kid who cries every morning with lots of absences because parents are too soft and can’t stand to let their crying child go to school. Once in school they are fine.

I think you should arrange a meeting with the school. Ideally senco but class teacher might be ok.

Explain that your daughter is cring everyday anout school. Explain that she might look happy there but she might be pretending.

And ask for some support to problem solve what it is about school she finds difficult. She may not be able to say or know. But somtimes there is an ELSA (emotional literacy support) person who can chat and explore reasons.
You havent said age. But for young children Very common things are finding the morning routine too busy. So arriving early and being allowed in first, or being given a soecial job helps. Others are getting in a stew about reward charts, or not liking lunch /play as they dont know what to do, the toilets
Older it can be similar things but in a more secondary way.

Yes, she’s talked to me at length about it. She says the other class teases her and the other people in her class because they’re in that class (an us versus them thing) and she is a very sensitive person so she doesn’t like that at all. That’s as close to bullying as it gets.

Her best friend moved away last year (we’re in London so very transient) and she doesn’t have another close friend at school, but that best friend went almost a year ago now. She does have other friends, they come over sometimes. (Even when the best friend was there, she didn’t like school tbh, but didn’t cry like this every night and morning.)

She’s quiet and introverted and loves to read and play. I wonder if that’s part of not liking it? She says when she thinks about going, her whole body feels miserable and she just “can’t”.

We moved our son as he was bullied, his medical history wasn’t considered by the teachers and he was utterly miserable at school. He moved in Year 5 to a local private school. Really struggled to start with as simply didn’t know how to behave as was used to shouting to get attention. He was originally in an Outstanding primary school.

He is now in Year 11 at the same private school, thriving, has a great group of friends, loves to be in school and is predicted excellent grades. But most important for us is that he’s happy and pesters us to get to school early each day.

Children need to “fit” and perhaps she does need a different environment. What about other state schools too?

The thing is school doesn’t suit a lot of children. It is a stressful environment for some of them. But unless you are willing and able to home educate then they need to learn that they have to go to school. If there are problems with friendships then you need to help her learn to socialise and make friends. Get the school to support her.

Same here OP. 8 year old has autism and PDA and regularly refuses school, it can feel pretty hopeless. She cries and clings to me getting more and more hysterical and there's no persuading her. For those who say they'd send her anyway, it really isn't that easy. I work too and it just means a lot of sleeplessness playing catch up when she's in bed. I can't really offer any advice but understand how tricky it is.

..and she isn't being bullied, she has friends and loves her teachers and lots of school activities. But sometimes she just really doesn't feel able to face the world.

Firstly are the school aware of the problem. Discuss it with them if you haven't already and maybe they can suggest something to boost her confidence and encourage her to go in. Is it perhaps the new teacher this year that she doesn't like. Does she have friends that she can have playdates with after school if she goes in.
Have you always worked from home or is this a new thing and she knows you are there so wants to stay. Can you pretend you have to go somewhere for a meeting some days so won't be able to stay at home.
Can you build up to a small reward at the end of a week if she attends without fuss for a week or just something little each day. Is she after your attention? can you plan something to just spend 1 :1 time with her a bit more. Hope you can help her as she is obviously not happy at the moment so I know it's a big worry for her.

I don’t think another state school would cut it. I’ve worked in schools before, and hers (also outstanding although I know that doesn’t necessarily mean much!!) is good, I can’t see another state being better. But I am considering private so it’s interesting to hear you say this!

Is your son’s school an all-through to 18? That could be a good idea for her. I don’t know what’s around me, to be honest. I’ve started to set up some tours but they’re all primary. I don’t want anything strict, maybe somewhere nice and cosy!!!

I haven’t had a meeting with her teacher, but I am planning to. If they aren’t aware, I’ll be surprised. I have mentioned it to the staff before - she’s a bit unhappy this year. I don’t think she likes the new teacher. I can see why - she isn’t as “fun” as the one last year, and she’s quite strict.

At age of 9, I would be saying that she needs to go to school, but we need to find a way to make that ok, and we can try lots of things to see what helps because everyone is different.

A useful phrase I find is: ok, this activity is 10/10 difficult for you right now, what will bring it down to a 5?

Maybe you could come up with ideas like speaking to school about having to a quiet space to go at lunch, talking to the teacher about the mean words that the class are saying, being a helper in the morning so it's nice and quiet when she goes in.

For me, the decision to move schools would be based on action/in-action of school now they know there's a problem. They need to work with you.

Being teased constantly is bullying, especially for a sensitive child. Have you considered moving schools? Smaller class size, better pastoral care or a different ethos may make a massive difference to whether your DD fits in or not.

Mines 11 still has the odd melt down about going to school, not as many as she used to I still send her upset or not she has to go. I feel bad because I used to feel like it before school and before work but I had to go to pay the bills it's the same with her she has to go end of discussion.

This was me at that age. Sorry OP but it continued for me my whole time at school. I used to lose sleep lying in bed scared about going in. My parents were like the poster above who said that school is non negotiable and I had to go in, unless I had illness which I regularly used to say that I had as I was desperate. It was a horrible time and not easy for anyone, my parents both worked and I knew that they had long lost tolerance for my anxiety and fear. I couldn't force it away though. In hindsight, what would have helped me was just one of them trying to tolerate it with me, rather than leaving me on my own with it. My mum used to get very short tempered with me and often wished I was different openly to my face. That really hurt. We talk so much about tolerance these days and for me that means accepting and meeting your child as they are. I have an anxious child now and I try to talk through her feelings and nurture the part of her that feels anxious. I try not to be too hard line about it. She has occasional days off school and for me mental illness sits alongside any illness so I am ok with this when and if she needs it. As she has got older it has got easier, so there is light OP, but right now she is expressing to you that she is struggling so try to recognise that. I don't know if a school change will help, I went to private as well and in some ways it was worse, the striving and competitive nature jarred a lot with my sensitive nature. I guess I just didn't fit either, but I wanted an education and I came out with good results. I guess I wish someone had said to me that it was ok not to enjoy school, not everyone will have a great time, or even a pleasant time.

Have you considered home educating her? Getting a tutor in a couple of times a week so that she doesn’t fall behind academically and setting up educational games and activities for her to do alongside you working, if that would fit.
Its something that I have been looking into more & more but my DCs are older now, I really wish I had done it when they were younger.
School in the traditional sense doesn’t suit everyone.

Oh my I feel for you. We had this with my child from year 4. Feeling sick every single night. We went to the docs many times who concluded after tests there was nothing medically wrong (was worried re stomach issues). It was 100% down to a nasty piece of work in his class. If it wasn't my son being hurt (for no reason, sometimes he was sat on a bench and got punched for no reason....TA saw and did fuck all) it was him seeing other kids being hurt by this bully which upset and worried him.
Talking to his class teacher helped a little. Unfortunately leadership at the school was dire and nothing ever was done despite promises. He is now at a different school and understands his feeling sick was due to anxiety and we are finding ways to manage this. He's a worrier but his almost 3 years of shite at primary with this boy made it so much worse.
On days where he felt sick in the mornings I just waited until he calmed down and once could see he was feeling better, and he also knew he was feeling better, we took him in late. The ladies in the office completely understood. Wasn't ideal but was the only way we found could get him in sometimes.

My daughter was like this since nursery. Towards the end of year 2, following a house move (remaining in the same school) it all just exploded. Anxiety at bedtime about school, real panic attacks, severe anxiety about leaving me etc.

We didn’t want to risk her mental health being affected more and she was begging to be home educated so we deregistered her and now we home educate.

I know it’s not as simple as that for a lot of families but it works for us. She’s now on the autism pathway. Whilst it’s been a terrible time, it’s forced us to realise that she probably is ND and we absolutely love home educating her!

Second this! Except no need for a tutor unless you decide it’s right for you. There’s no falling behind in home education, it just doesn’t exist.

I had this issue with my son last September for almost 4 weeks.

I gave it a few weeks to begin with to see if he settles in. Nothing changed and it was causing me a lot of stress. So I called and spoke to his teacher, she was surprised he was crying before and after school.

I’m not sure what she did exactly, but after this he didn’t cry again to my relief! Hope you find a solution.