Anyone else have a child who cries before school every day? What did you do?

[Uuuggghhh]

Dd cries before school almost every day. And, before bed, she cries then about going to school the next day too. It isn’t bullying. It isn’t anything worrying. It’s because she doesn’t like it there.

I do not know what to do. I am making appointments at open days of other schools (private) in the hope that might help? But could it? Or will it just be the same thing somewhere else?

What did others do?

Sympathies, OP.

Look up Dr Naomi Fisher who explains brilliantly why the school environment isn't suitable for every child.

The attitude that school is non-negotiable just will not work for some children and causes actual, real long term damage.

She is communicating with you through her behaviour that she is struggling and you are recognising that.

There is a fb group called 'not fine in school' where you will find thousands of situations that echo your own.

On BBC sounds, you can look up and listen to the recent phone in Nicky Campbell did about absences in school in the uk.

There is also an entire world online for support if you decide that home education is an option for you all.

Lastly, do not blame yourself for being a less than perfect parent. Schools can be very very difficult places for some children. You know your child best and whilst others may have opinions, unless they know every nuance, reaction, sensitivity and how they thrive ; ignore. They are churning out an ideology that for some is far more damaging than it is beneficial.

Similar situation than @DivorceInABag here (but dc was older).
Being in the right type of environment can make a huge difference!

But also, I’d want to dig deeper to see what’s going on.
The nausea is simply a sign of stress (like headaches can be) but her being so stressed is an issue in itself. I would look at autism/ND (girls often fly under the radar until secondary). Also anxiety.
In both cases, she’ll need to learn ways to self regulate. But how and why will depend on what’s going on.
This doesn’t change the fact I agree you need to find a better suited school for her.

Btw I would really start there.

It’s amazing what things teachers miss.
And children can be expert at masking their problems if they know the environment isn’t supportive. (That’s also why saying she feels I’ll/nauseous works so well).

Then take it from there.

This is so wrong. Parents aren't soft because they care about their children feelings. My kids cry sometimes but if they cried like the ops child I'd be thinking of alternative education. School isnt right for every child. The way schools are now it's no wonder parents are choosing to home educate.

I haven't RTFT but I moved my DD to a different school after the first term of Y1. It's been life-changing for both DD and I. She is now happy at school, looks forward to it, goes happily, comes home happy, is happy all evening and at the weekend. When I look back now I feel sad for the 4 terms we persisted through. It pervaded her happiness in her free time and her confidence was ebbing away. Her quiet dislike of school (there was no drama; she just wasn't happy) was starting to change my DD's personality. At the point I realised this, we jumped ship. Best parenting decision I've made. I visited five other (state) primaries and chose the one I got the happiest feeling from. She was happy from day 1 there and now loves school and enjoys learning.

If you're in a position to go private it may help. My younger brother was better when my parents moved him to a private school as the classes were smaller and he struggled with friendships previously. It really depends on the child, I stayed in state school and was fine.

School need to pull their finger out and support her.
Dd2 (nearly 11) struggled from time to time. A wonderful ta did sone emotional literary direct work with her every day for about a term I think and now when she struggles I just request it again and she uses it for a little while. It's very good and she feels validated.

I have one child who is very thick skinned and one who is made of glass. Until I had dd2 I just didn't get it - how much a child can need in emotional support pretty much on a rolling basis.

You need to posh for support from the school x

I have a year 4, aged 8 whose the same but she's always done it. Always cried before school.

She complains of a headache or feeling sick while there a lot so sits out of PE/Forest School etc but school have cottoned on to her wanting to go home so don't send her home unless they've actually seen her or another child has seen her be sick.

Personally I think childhood is too short to be miserable every day. I stopped trying to force my child into school and home educate now.
If an adult was distressed about their job, crying every day and physically feeling sick, no one would tell them to suck it up and stop being a snowflake - they'd be encouraged to look for a new job, environment, retrain to do something else.

My daughter always hated school
and a lot of mornings I would send her in crying as I was of the mentality that all children should be in school which is drummed into most of us I think! I didn’t realise at the time she is autistic

A little into year 6 she just couldn’t cope anymore, completely burned out and didn’t leave her room for months, hardly ate, cried all the time, didn’t even talk to us. It was completely heartbreaking

She is now home educated and happy again. My only regret is that I didn’t listen to her sooner. Not the easy answer and doesn’t work for everyone but works for her

Sounds like she is possibly masking in school, does she have any signs of autism? EBSA is really common in autistic kids, but of course not all children who have school avoidance are autistic (it's worth considering though).

Tummy aches are a common part of emotionally based school avoidance (EBSA) there is lots of information on this website

www.supportservicesforeducation.co.uk/Page/20029

This is exactly our problem too. He is 6 and was off three days last week saying he felt sick so stayed at home with me and 7 month old. So heartbreaking but DH says I’m too soft. What does your DP say about it all?

I had this problem with one of mine - he just wouldn't settle and I think it was just a teacher he didn't gel with. Since moving to a new class with a new teacher he's been absolutely fine. There was nothing wrong with the teacher- she was nice enough- but he's very sensitive and easily distracted and hyper. His new teacher is probably stricter but she just seems to be better with him and he's so happy and settled now.

I would try and find out if there are particular aspects of school she hates because it might not be all of it. For example, it could be the playground or PE lessons or assemblies. Are there any aspects of school that she likes or doesn't mind?

She shows no signs of autism or other ND. As far as I can tell (and I know a little bit about ND from work) she’s NT. If that were the reason for her unhappiness it would be a handy label! But I don’t think that’s it.

My DD is struggling with this as well. School is overwhelming for her. Her behavior got defiant. I have noticed if I keep to low stimulating activities after school her behavior is much better. She is also below grade level for some things. I work with her diligently at home but she does not like the school setting at all. I am going to be having her evaluated for any learning disabilities. I am also looking at Montessori schools for next year. Putting her in therapy as well.

@Uuuggghhh Our son is at a school that runs from 18 months old to Year 11.

I was worried how he would transition to a Sixth Form or College after being in such a different environment, but that concern has disappeared now. He’s attended several college open days and found the one he wants to go to. He’s so ready to move on. We don’t think he would have the same level of confidence that he now has if he’d stayed with his old school and moved with the same pupils to secondary. He’s been far more supported, challenged and feels more capable due to the nurturing school he’s in.

We’re really proud of the young man he’s become which really is due to how happy he is at school.

He’s happy at school and at home which has greatly reduced stress for us all.

Exactly.
We have normalised school so much that we expect it to suit all children.
How sad to make this ‘non-negotiable’.
If it was your friend or your partner would you be telling them their workplace was non-negotiable?
I second the recommendation for Dr Naomi Fisher’s work on school refusal.
I home educate my DC @Uuuggghhh if you have any questions.

Probably not what you want to hear but after years of tears, running away from home and school. Followed by a complete breakdown in his mental health which was ignored by CAMHS we took him out and now home educate. He has SEN which weren't being met so I would maybe look into that first but I my biggest regret is not having removed him before so much damage was done.

Home educating is not as difficult as you would think. Have a look on Facebook and see if you can join a local group

Forcing them in doesn't help in the long term. One day they will run away from home or school or be too big to force in.

School refusal - or EBSA is very difficult to deal with. I suggest you join Not Fine in School on Facebook and ask for advice on there or read others' posts.

There will be lots of advice here along the lines of the child is being naughty or it's a choice, when if it's EBSA it really isn't and is usually unmet need in school.

DD2 had no issues with school and seemed apparently NT, no issues with school until Y6/7 - it's often puberty and the change to secondary school which can kick this off but it can start as soon as they start primary school.

I always find it sad that sometimes we are keen to label the child as ‘non typical’ rather than the environment as ‘non typical’. In my experiences as an ex teacher often it’s the environment that’s the problem not the child or their brain.

They might look fine but they may well be masking and then falling apart at the end of the day once they are back home.

OP have you looked up Dr Naomi Fisher and her work on EBSA? I don't have a child who school refuses but I do work with some children who do. I have seen Naomi Fisher talk a few times and she really is excellent.

What @Graciebobcat & @DogDaysAreOverr said. There’s lots of support out there.

I was dragging my kid out from under the table every morning while he was sobbing because they told me he was fine when he was there & we needed to build his resilience. I shouldn’t have listened to them.

He wasn’t fine & the only thing we were building was his mental health issues. Things got a lot worse & he burnt out completely. We’re slowly building him back up now but it’s taken a year. A year he hasn’t been in school.

Work with the school if you can, but don’t take their opinion as gospel. You know your child best.

In addition to some of the stuff notes up thread to look into, I’d also have a quick look at how neurodivergence presents differently in girls. Not saying your DD is of course, just something to consider. There’s a lot of us that we’re missed all the way through school so worth a little research, even if it’s just to rule it out.

good luck.

She's not having a day off because she's crying, she's having a day off because the crying is a sign of her distress. It's not being "soft" to listen to your child and respond to their needs, however inconvenient that might be.

I'm sure many children do stop crying once they are in school because they know that no one is going to respond to them, so they shut down. It doesn't mean they are not still distressed. And then of course it all comes out in the safe space of home.

School is such a sausage factory for so many children, OP. If you don't get any help from her current teacher I'd definitely look for somewhere that better supports her.

Where in London are you? Maybe we can make some suggestions.

Others have already mentioned. Not fine in school was a life saver. It's when you go on there that you see the full extent of how widespread this is. You are not alone. It's worth joining FB for even if you aren't already on there. It's a huge comfort and really valuable for the kind of information and advice you need.