Anyone else have a child who cries before school every day? What did you do?

[Uuuggghhh]

Dd cries before school almost every day. And, before bed, she cries then about going to school the next day too. It isn’t bullying. It isn’t anything worrying. It’s because she doesn’t like it there.

I do not know what to do. I am making appointments at open days of other schools (private) in the hope that might help? But could it? Or will it just be the same thing somewhere else?

What did others do?

Sounds like anxiety to me.

She needs a doctor and probably a course of CBT.

Have you gone through anything major in the last 12-18mths? I started having panic attacks when I was about 8yrs old. I didnt know thats what they were at that age but my parents had just gotten divorced - so makes alot more sense to me now as an adult. Feeling sick - was one of my main symptoms.

So what have they or you done to help her?

Sorry that was to @PurpleAndPinkTeddyinAJacket

@Uuuggghhh is home schooling feasible? My DD was a bit like this in years 3 and 4 as she didn't like her teachers and wanted to be at home with me (I wasn't at home though, as I work full time and only recently started WFH a few days a week, but not every week) - COVID/Lockdown definitely didn't help.

We just powered through it, she'd have days where she was near-hysterical at the school gates and I'd have to drag her to the classroom and hand her over to a teacher, then get in the car and cry all the way to work. It was bloody awful

Then in year 5 she had teachers who were awesome and totally "got" her, she was much more relaxed about going in (we still had the odd day when she was tired and couldn't be bothered, but no more tears) and she kept those teachers into year 6 (thank god!)

I think, if home schooling isn't doable, you just have to persevere and see what help school can provide in making DD feel better about going in.

Good luck

I'd echo other suggestions around home education / unschooling if it's a viable option for you. Education is compulsory but school isn't.

Just to add the advice we were given by the professionals to get him back into school when he did burnout was complete bullshit.

It was along the lines of force him in & don’t take no for an answer.

It wasn’t physically possible, nor practical & it would have been harmful both short & long term.

We've made massive progress in the last 12 months to come back from where we were & we’ve done that by listening to others that have gone through it & reading Dr Naomi Fisher & missing the mark & not fine in school.

Regardless of what people think, we’ve not been soft on our child, we’ve allowed him space & time to recover.

Is it school or something else causing this? I was just the same for the whole of primary and well into year 7. I cried every single morning and tried to refuse to go. It wasn't school I was anxious about, I was terrified about being away from my Mum, but it appeared that I was anxious about school.

With the benefit of counselling and now being a parent myself, I can understand that I was insecurely attached - my Mum was always late, unreliable, constantly shouting, irritable and put other people ahead of her children.

So not school at all. Being kept at home would have made it even worse.

Yes, indeed. Just wanted to be clear it doesn't have to mean that the child is not neurotypical to have "unmet need" in school. But it can also be ASD, ADHD or other issues.

The most important thing is routine. If your child knows that if she cries she gets to stay at home she is going to cry. My youngest struggled attending school for years, he is autistic but we didn’t know that at the time. The best thing we could do was keep the routine of going in every day, as if we started going in late / missing days he would just play up more the next day. Speak to school and ask for a meeting with them to be sure that there is nothing else going on but otherwise just keep going and don’t let her have odd days off. With a day off a week you will end up with an overall attendance of 80 % which is classed as persistently absent and you will get fined.

oh OP that's really difficult for your DD & for you 💗 My DD cried before school for a lot of year 3. She was split up from her best friend who was a year younger but had been in the same class when my DD was year 2. The teacher wasn't v sympathetic about it either. My DD is almost 20 now & is still shy & introverted & gets anxious about things. Doesn't have a huge group of friends BUT is in her 2nd year at Uni & doing really well on her Chemistry course & has joined a few clubs etc. It will get easier OP but try & encourage your DD to go to school as much as possible I think. & hopefully she'll find another close friend soon. x

This sounds like school refusal, which is a complex issue. I think you need to discuss the pastoral support your child is getting at her current school, and consider if it will be better elsewhere. Are there any suspicions about her being ND or having SEN? If not, it could be insecurity and anxiety in groups. My point, I think, is to suggest looking at the child and working out why she feels this way rather than going for a magic bullet solution straight away of changing schools.

In Y4 we had no signs of neurodiversity either, just a bright child who loved to read and play in her head and cried daily about school, eventually developing stomach aches, toothaches and stress-based vomiting.

By Y8, we had diagnoses of EDS, ASD, SPD and ADHD. We did 2 years of homeschooling via Kings Interhigh, and I wish we'd done more. DD's life is deeply, deeply complicated in terms of managing all those things but she is now at Uni and flying.

She doesn't fall apart at the end of the day. She comes out happy and smiling. I know my daughter and if she was unhappy (and I've been there and done that with her and she's been supported inside and outside of school) I would be helping her. She will try it on and yes it's non negotiable with her because I know she will be ok. Maybe OPs child does have a genuine reason to be so sad before school but she didn't say there was in the OP. There are some children who will try it on and if you let them get away with it then they will keep trying it on. Not everything is a mental health issue and of course her child will be happier at home reading and playing. Any child would. But that's not how life works is it?

FWIW, DD is often bouncing, happy and smiling when she comes home from school. But then sometimes can't make it the next day. Because in order to be "normal" in school there is a phenomenal amount of effort going on below the surface. It's like me trying to climb a mountain every day with vertigo.

Yes, I had this exact issue throughout primary school. When I asked her about it, she just said she didn't like anyone. She knew I was at home, and wanted to be with me. It stopped around age 10, when she got a nice group of friends. Suddenly she was looking forward to seeing them in school.

This was me.

My story is, I'd suffered a bereavement in the summer, a grandparent who lived with us. My Mum wasn't great generally about making us feel secure - often threatening to leave, or scream until 'the police come and take mummy away', or kill herself. I also had an operation go wrong at the start of y5 so was off for a month. And I'm on the autism spectrum...so, a perfect storm.

I was convinced that mum was going to die, or leave me while I was at school, or that my heart was going to stop (which is how my gran died). I was a bit of an awkward child. Loads of acquaintances, but no close friends, so never quite fitted in.

I cried, genuine distraught tears before school each morning. Strangely, once I was in school, though, I was ok. I remember being quite happy by break time.

With benefit of hindsight, I probably had a spot of reactive depression resulting from my gran's death, and how my mum wouldn't let us grieve or talk about her. Then the attachment stuff.

My advice (eventually, sorry!) is CBT or counselling. See whether she can be helped to build up her own internal resilience. I was prescribed antidepressants (aged 9!). Really don't recommend that.

Be loving, keep a sense of humour if you can, and talk! Talk to her, and talk to others for your own sanity.

I sympathize as my sensitive ds was similar at that age. However I'm surprised you're talking about different schools before even really asking for a meeting at your current school. I'm not saying I'd exclude ideas of home schooling, private etc. I don't believe in flogging a dead horse, I work with ND DC that really couldn't manage in MS schools. But the school might put some strategies in place and it might help. But I'd really be pestering the current school and insisting on some interventions in school.

My DS' school put in place lunch clubs, sessions in forest school, sessions with the ELSA trained TA. It definitely helped. This year he has a different class teacher and he's a100 times happier. This teacher is definitely more fun.

If the school is useless or the interventions don't make an improvement, then you've got other options to look into. Hope your DD is feeling better soon whatever you choose to do.

I really feel for you. We’ve had the same with DS11. This has been going on since Y5. We are currently on the Autism Pathway. He has been masking at school for years and things we thought were ‘normal’ as he’s our only child, are actually subtle aspects of being on the spectrum. When he says school is too hard and he can’t do it, he’s referring to the social and communication aspect rather than the actual work.

His SEMH is the worst it has ever been and he’s very vulnerable - we’ve just managed to get an EHCP approved by the LA to put things in place.

could this be something that’s happening with your DD?

My heart hurts so much reading this! Bless you. I am so sorry you went thru that! 💔

Its a complex picture of why some children find school very hard to be in, but worth looking at all the possibilities around anxiety, autism and ADHD.

I obviously wasn't talking about your daughter, I was talking about the children who you say are crying at drop off but fine once at school. You then said their parents are too soft. I was pointing out that many children who appear fine at school actually aren't and are masking and you wouldn't be able to tell.

I also don't think all children would rather be at home than at school. I've got two children who adore school. One child with asd who struggles with anxiety and masks at school but thankfully no school refusal.

Not everything is a mental health issue and of course her child will be happier at home reading and playing. Any child would.

What a depressing view of school - something to bear until you can finally get out….
If every child has to learn to simply bear it ‘because that’s what life is about’, then I think we, as a society, and the whole education system has massively failed.

Fwiw no, not all children will be happier at home.
Not when home is abusive. Not when home is being left to their own devices all day long, getting bored. Not when home means isolation (no friends to play with). etc etc…
The one child of mine who’d have been happy ‘being at home all day long’ at that age was my ASD chid who struggled with social interactions, unruly behaviours around him etc etc…. And even fur him, being at home all day long wasn’t good either. He needed to get outside, to run, to play.

I had issues with ds when he was at primary school. He had an IEP but the school were not good at following it and when he moved to middle school (3 tier system) the SENCO was absolutely useless. Ds was on the spectrum, had bilateral sensory processing disorder and his speech was unintelligible. He went to school okay but after school he used to go crazy, crying and very stressed. We decided to send him to an all boy's private school and he thrived there. They were great at handling any emotional upsets and made him feel valued. He is now in his third year at university and loving it. I can't imagine his life if he'd gone to our local secondary.

Tbh if she isn’t in the spectrum, that’s good.

But you still need to get to the bottom of her anxiety. CBT has mentioned a few times and it might be helpful to help her find her own way to self soothe/handle those feelings. But she might benefit more from counselling to get to the bottom of WHY she is feeling that way.

Routine might be important for a child with ASD but for this child, understanding her fears and supporting her are, I suspect more important.