Hate family life

[Dowhadiddydiddydum]

This is just a rant and maybe a desire to link with others who feel the same.

I hate family life or rather my family life.

My children argue constantly. Dislike each other and very rarely get on. They haven’t like each other ever really. Even when youngest came home as a baby I remember older (who was a toddler) did care at all and wasn’t interested. They ignored eachother largely until youngest figures out bugging oldest was a good way to get a reaction and now they fight instantly.

DH is emotionally immature. Unable to manage his stress. Has always created a black cloud over the house when he feels down or sad.

I had been the one bending over backwards to lighten the mood, smooth over the argument, create some fun, try new strategies to make home life better. Often at the price of my own well-being and feelings.

Well I’ve had enough. I don’t give a shit anymore. I’m not breaking my back to make everyone happy. It can all go to shit. Felt this way for a few weeks. They all look at me like I have grown an extra head because I’m not breaking my back to being the positivity and happiness. House has a black cloud over it because I’m not blowing it away. I don’t even care any more.

off on holiday soon. I still don’t care. Last 3 were awful and it’s just the same crap in a new location.

Anyone else relate. At the moment I feel like I’m just waiting for them to grown and leave home, so they can have their own life and DH can divorce me and I can live quietly in my home somewhere.

I felt the same for a long time OP especially last year but I seem to have snapped out of it a bit. I do relate. Dh argues with DS1 all the time, shouting despite me asking/ begging for them not to raise their voices. It upsets me and DS2 terribly. I have to constantly keep the calm yet they expect me to literally pick up after them and when I refuse its like 'ooh she's in a mood.. '. I'm currently trying to research/ book a family holiday and I keep thinking what's the bloody point, we don't even like being all together.

All I can say is try to carve out time for yourself as much as you can. Try to get a break before your holiday, even 1 night alone to destress. I try to visualise my other life where I live alone and no one ever asks me for anything and it calms me a bit. DH might be struggling too with home life, try to spend as little time together as possible for a while if you are sick of each other and then book a date night, maybe there is still a chance to reconnect.

I feel for you, its very hard.

I feel the same. I wish DH would just piss off. DD was being really annoying today, just because she was bored. Just go away and leave me to my Xmas films.

glad I’m not the only one to feel this way.
I was wondering earlier if I was depressed. I don’t feel I am or if I am it is because of my family/situation not the other way around.

@toadasoda the suggestion to carve out time alone is a good one. I think this is what I need to do. I suggested to my DH we separate weekends and each take time alone, and/or go off separately with each child (one adult on one child they are fine).

The day dream of living alone is one I have a lot. I’m picturing a small flat, walks quiet book reading and coffee in the morning without the back drop of screaming.

Is this what all mothers feel or just mothers with shit partners. I think some of it is obviously about me, I value wuiet and calm and should not have had children.

It sounds to me like the solution could be to split from your dh and share custody of the dc. That way you would get a break from them and they would come home from his house and probably be relieved to be back with you. You might find that it's his moods rubbing off on them.

@WonderingWanda
True that probably is the answer. I could not manage the split financially at the moment. There is, however, a chance for a promotion coming next week at work. I might go back full time if I can get there and start working on that. Then I might be in better position in a year to separate.

How old are your dc?

I would take them out individually and maintain a bond with them.

7 and 9
we do a lot of 121. Individually we have a good bond. It’s all together life goes to shit. Reality is there is only so much 121 you can fit in a week and it isn’t enough. Before school/after school etc we have to be together.

As an example of why I don’t care anymore-
iust made dinner. Usually prompt them to say thanks to me or whoever made the dinner. I didn’t prompt so no one has said thanks. Even DH. Again didn’t prompt to help with drinks or knives and forks so no one helped. Tempted to lob my plate across the room when I’ve finished. Rhats how on edge I am here (I won’t I’ll just stuff the anger down):

You have a dh problem

Children are children but your dh is not parenting nor even managing standard courtesy. Children take cues from parents. I would prepare to separate.

Same in my house and has been this way for years due to the fact I can't afford to move out. There was at one point, 9 of us in a small 3 bed and no breathing space. Now 2 have moved out, it isn't any easier and DD comes regularly with grandkids...its utter chaos 24/7 😩But ultimately I chose this life so what other choice do I have unless I win the lottery....

It is so so crappy with squabbling siblings of a similar age. I think we call can relate in some way!
mine has their DSS come twice a week and that’s enough for me, and them I think
I’ve seen it all before these sibling squabbles making parents lives hell
it is so so hard I do sympathise
and with your DH joining in I don’t blame you for wanting to split or just be away from them all on your own eventually 💐

@Lastchancechica your right. Absolutely. I do feel angry about my children but mainly it’s my DH or their behaviour from my DH.

For me it’s normal to do things like, If DH has made dinner say thanks and then the kids copy. There is just no thought at all fri. DH like that. Kids are obviously a bit naturally focused on them labels but of course they need adults to model behaviour.

I’m hoping this gives me a kick to do something, to work on a plan to separate.

@Bizzimomma 9!!! Not sure how you survived that. Honestly in awe of peoooewho manage 3/4/5+ kids. I’m broken by trying to meet the need of 2 fairly average behaved kids.

I'm with you. I am actually now sitting down trying to figure out what I am going to start doing differently next week in order to not feel this shit next weekend when I found your post.
My problem is the DH fills every waking moment with activity - if he is not working then he is starting up some household project or buying some bit of hobby kit that needs hours of maintenance. My current bugbear is DH is doing a DIY project that I wanted us to pay someone to do (we have plenty of savings). He promised it would take 2-3 weeks in the summer. It has taken up all spare waking moments since July. He thinks I should be grateful that he is doing it for us.
I just realised that he tells me what I want to hear and then just does exactly what he wants to do over all household decisions. I am putting on weight because all my exercise time is monopolised by family stuff and i eat biscuits when i am sad. I feel like I am being walked over all day and swept along by family life. Then at night DH can't understand why I don't want to have sex with him.
I am also job hunting after a contract ended in Sept so my income is greatly reduced. I realise that I am also lonely and need to prioritise some social life. I am going to start tomorrow.

Just lost my long post!!!!

I think it can be a personality thing, I find sharing a room gives me the rage even when DH has done nothing wrong. I feel desperate for my own space a lot of the time and the noise and bustle of a busy house can really bother me. Plus it sounds like you have marital problems which no doubt adds hugely to your stress.

DH and I have an arrangement that we take a "day off" once a year or more. This involves 24 hours alone, no accountability. I usually immerse myself in nature, drive to a beautiful coastal area and do a hike, stay in a cheap B&B, eat pub grub, watch the sea etc. This year I changed it up and took the train to a tourist town, I drank wine during the day, browsed the shops, ate in a restaurant and had a few drinks in a pub watching some live music. Its honestly what saves my sanity sometimes. If you could do a variant of this I would really recommend it. Some of my friends think its very strange to be alone like that but I thrive on it. I look forward to it all year, more than family occasions or holidays.

I can totally relate. Family life is one of those things you are just expected to enjoy. And if you don't, you're meant to keep quiet about it. I'm sure lots of people feel the same. Unless you're lucky, it's often a miserable, fraught, suffocating prison. Teenagers in particular can be vile. My sister's daughters (14 and 15) seem to hate one another. They literally scream at each other. There have been awful fights/hair pulled out, etc. My friend also, drunkenly, admitted to me that she hates her family unit (you'd never guess from her Facebook page). Her husband is an overgrown manbaby who spends all weekend playing on his X-box or watching football, and her daughter just stays in her room. When my friend tries to speak to her, she gets nothing but a volley of abuse ("f-off, stay out off my life," etc).

When you think about it, it's not really natural. We evolved to live in tribes, where the children were sort of raised communally. We certainly didn't evolve to live as we do, with mum and dad and two or three kids sealed away in a brick box for years on end.

@Bluebelle82 same thing with our sex like. I don’t want to look at him in the evening let alone have sex. Only time he’s happy is right after we’ve had sex. Like it’s my job to keep him happy.

I hope your plans to start tomorrow work out. You deserve some time to yourself to exercise or to see friends. Just book something and inform him. My time out the home is so nice, it really makes life just bearable. I am a completely different person when I’m out - happy relaxed. Like Jekle and Hyde, just shows what a difference environment and good people makes.

I hear you Op...

@Bluebelle82 I could have written the bit in your post about your DH telling you what you want to hear then doing what he wants.

I've been away this weekend visiting a university with my older DD and we had such a brilliant time. I was really sad to have to come home again.

My DD's get on really well but life feels so relentless. If I don't organise things then nothing happens and I feel wrung out. I'm talking about normal day to day stuff as well as holidays. I keep searching Rightmove to see what I could afford if our house was sold and we spilt 50/50.

Good luck for your promotion!
I started my new week by texting a friend and arranging to meet for a run...

It sounds like the primary issue is your H, your plan to get promoted etc then plan to separate sounds good. In the meantime would take regular breaks for yourself at weekends while he parents, and work on the sibling rivalry.

The Sunday blues. Feeling like there should be more to life before back to another week of work. As Douglas Adams called it - the long dark tea-time of the soul.

I dunno I’m a lot happier at work at the moment than I am at hope. More relaxed etc. not a good sign!

Where I live they have a saying, happy wife, happy life. The wife/mother is the center of the home. Yet, the reality is I am supposed to prioristise my own happiness ALONGSIDE everone elses!!! IT does my head in. After I do everything and make sure everone else is sorted, I need to take care of myself. Great, another job, and its the one i can forget about and no one cares.

Could there be anything hormonal at play as well OP? I'm not disagreeing that home sounds shitty - but the description of your mood is very similar to a lot of peri symptoms