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Original poster

Hate family life

100 replies

Dowhadiddydiddydum · 08/10/2023 15:20

This is just a rant and maybe a desire to link with others who feel the same.

I hate family life or rather my family life.

My children argue constantly. Dislike each other and very rarely get on. They haven’t like each other ever really. Even when youngest came home as a baby I remember older (who was a toddler) did care at all and wasn’t interested. They ignored eachother largely until youngest figures out bugging oldest was a good way to get a reaction and now they fight instantly.

DH is emotionally immature. Unable to manage his stress. Has always created a black cloud over the house when he feels down or sad.

I had been the one bending over backwards to lighten the mood, smooth over the argument, create some fun, try new strategies to make home life better. Often at the price of my own well-being and feelings.

Well I’ve had enough. I don’t give a shit anymore. I’m not breaking my back to make everyone happy. It can all go to shit. Felt this way for a few weeks. They all look at me like I have grown an extra head because I’m not breaking my back to being the positivity and happiness. House has a black cloud over it because I’m not blowing it away. I don’t even care any more.

off on holiday soon. I still don’t care. Last 3 were awful and it’s just the same crap in a new location.

Anyone else relate. At the moment I feel like I’m just waiting for them to grown and leave home, so they can have their own life and DH can divorce me and I can live quietly in my home somewhere.

OP posts:
Headexplodeemoji · 08/10/2023 22:38

I think a night or weekend away alone is worse. It gives you a taste of freedom and just as soon as you develop an appetite for it, you’re whisked back to family hell. I’m sure one day we will look back wistfully but OH MY GOD not right now. It may be hormones for me but I’m just raging after sorting out the packing for 12 year old son’s school trip, birthday cake and dinner for ‘D’H and playing taxi service to football/parties and maid all day to everyone - oh and homework supervisor and artwork creator. This weekend has been all fucking chores and the house is still a tip. I still have to sort out: car insurance claim, pension transfers, battle with builders for quotes and utility company for damages (long story), tax return and finish booking parts of a holiday that we are meant to be taking in 10 days except the airline website has been broken for 3 days and won’t let me book baggage of choose seats. I’m about to log into work to see what the CEO is demanding now as have a massive deadline. The rest of the family has been tucked up asleep for an hour so I’m the skivvy who’s still up and it will take me
2 hours to unwind. I could happily take six months off and not see any of them (well, maybe some visits from DS). I can’t pretend I’m tidy or a peacemaker. I just feel done with this tedium.

FreeRider · 08/10/2023 22:41

OP, your post is why I didn't have children. I was lucky to know from a very young age that I just didn't want them...I'm now 55 and never changed my mind. I just plain don't like them and when I see kids constantly fighting and screeching at each other I honestly don't know how parents cope.

I have two brothers, one younger and one older (just a year between myself and older brother). I like my younger brother but I've never really got on with my older brother and as adults we don't have a relationship.

My parents stayed together when they really shouldn't have and my father finally left for good 6 months after my younger brother turned 18. Any semblance of 'family' went with him...my father hadn't actually wanted children and they only reason we exist is because my mother is Catholic. We were never a close family, and now as an adult I can't help wondering if my parents had split when we were young whether that might have been different...I think ultimately my mother would have been far happier if she hadn't had to basically 'force' my father to be a parent. I feel she wasted a lot of energy dealing with her resentment at his disinterest in being a parent.

arcadiamadia · 08/10/2023 22:46

For what it's worth I think it's brilliant you're not playing along any more OP. Life is too short to be this unhappy.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
PeggyPiglet · 08/10/2023 22:48

I'd feel very similar OP if I was in your position.
Don't let yourself become a doormat though. Let them get cutlery and drinks themselves.

It's one of the reasons why I've stuck to one child actually. I love my little girl deeply but I'd have been happy being childless.
The grind of family life is boring as fuck.

Manasprey · 08/10/2023 22:48

Not quite as bad, but I can relate.
I feel like I'm the lynch pin of the family, but I really don't want to be.
Dh is good at practical stuff- cooking, garden, DIY, driving kids places, but honestly, he's not a great father to ds. Possibly compounded by the fact that ds is clearly autistic (on a massive waiting list for official dx, but Jesus christ, flags waving everywhere). Interestingly, he's better with dd, but he understands her better.

I've often that he loves me more than he loves the kids, whereas if I had to choose, I'd choose the kids. I also consider the kids to be humans in their own right, whereas in not really sure he does. He's also not willing to learn how to deal with young teenagers, assuming that I just know what to do. Well no, it doesn't come easy to me either, but I think. And sometimes I just need him to think as well. Tbh, I don't think either of us are cut out to be parents. Just a shame you realise too late.

Gettingbysomehow · 08/10/2023 22:54

People are conditioned to think they must have the husband and two kids - why? I had a kid on my own and we were very happy together, there were no arguments or rubbish and we did whatever we wanted when we wanted.
He's left home now and I live alone, I can't think of anything worse than sharing my space with a man.

SunshineDaisiesButterMellowxx · 08/10/2023 22:54

Literally could have written this post myself. I hear ya!!

StarDolphins · 08/10/2023 22:59

I only have 1 child but I felt like this. It was definitely a DH problem for me. I feel so much happier & relaxed now we’ve separated & my DD is much better. I see friends more & it’s just a much more positive & calm house!

BarelyCoping123 · 08/10/2023 23:02

100% relate to your situation OP. Not sure what to do about it! The stress of it is making me ill

Toloveandtowork · 08/10/2023 23:03

It's not necessarily great being alone as a single mother with kids either. It's hellish if you have no one to give you a break.
If you can get 50/50 or close to it, you get to have a life.

Gettingbysomehow · 08/10/2023 23:04

Why don't you divorce him and have the kids 50/50. At least then you get a break.

cestlavielife · 08/10/2023 23:09

Did you grow up thanking your mother or father for cooking dinner?
Seems a bit odd to expect the "thank you mummy" every day.

Anyway, divorce. Your dh mood is dragging you all down

arethereanyleftatall · 08/10/2023 23:09

So. I'm divorced. I LOVE it. My kids are happy. My ex husband has been a better father since we divorced. When we were together, he basically checked out of family life, and whilst he was physically present every day, he didn't do anything with them. Now, he has them 2 days per week and he actually does stuff with them. I guess cos he has 5 days each week to focus on his golf, it's easy to do 2 days. I love my time 'off'.
Honestly, if you can do it, if your kids will be ok, if you can afford it, and if you think your husband will actually have them sometimes ...I would wholeheartedly recommend divorce.

theleafandnotthetree · 08/10/2023 23:13

Gettingbysomehow · 08/10/2023 23:04

Why don't you divorce him and have the kids 50/50. At least then you get a break.

No guarantee he'd take them though, but at least it'd be one less moving part to deal with!

I left my husband 7 years ago, he was not as much of a twat as some on here but annoying enough and I had lost all romantic feeling towards him. I now do have my own little house that is all mine, my children 50% of the time and while variously grumpy and low level unhappy at the moment - menopause I reckon - I know for a fact I'd be much worse if I stayed. And I don't have that sense of dread about 'growing old together' which I had. I can live my very imperfect life on my own terms and while there is a degree of loneliness in having no one to share life's burdens with, there is at least the possibility of adventure, personal growth, etc without having to consider a spouse. Before I felt like I knew exactly how it was going to play out 😒

TotalOverhaul · 08/10/2023 23:17

OP, when my two fought I insisted they go into separate rooms. If they fought over a toy neither of them had it and they went into separate rooms. Not as punishment, just -'You aren't playing nicely and the horrible shouting is making me very sad and cross. So you take your lego in here and you take your trucks in there. If you decide you want to play nicely together you can but if you fight again, go into other rooms.' It did work.

Can't do much about dH except to calmly say: I feel exhausted being the one who always tries to cheer everyone up so I'm taking time out from that for now.

Jumperhermit · 08/10/2023 23:33

toadasoda · 08/10/2023 18:47

Just lost my long post!!!!

I think it can be a personality thing, I find sharing a room gives me the rage even when DH has done nothing wrong. I feel desperate for my own space a lot of the time and the noise and bustle of a busy house can really bother me. Plus it sounds like you have marital problems which no doubt adds hugely to your stress.

DH and I have an arrangement that we take a "day off" once a year or more. This involves 24 hours alone, no accountability. I usually immerse myself in nature, drive to a beautiful coastal area and do a hike, stay in a cheap B&B, eat pub grub, watch the sea etc. This year I changed it up and took the train to a tourist town, I drank wine during the day, browsed the shops, ate in a restaurant and had a few drinks in a pub watching some live music. Its honestly what saves my sanity sometimes. If you could do a variant of this I would really recommend it. Some of my friends think its very strange to be alone like that but I thrive on it. I look forward to it all year, more than family occasions or holidays.

100% this. Even if you can’t get away, I’d highly recommend investing in some noise cancelling headphones and immersing yourself in audible / a podcast to block out the bickering. It’s what has kept me sane the past few weeks!

Original poster
Dowhadiddydiddydum · 09/10/2023 06:52

Seems to be so many of us hating this life.

I’ll try to take steps to move the situation on, I think having a plan will help me feel more positive. I looked at financial reality of splitting last year and it wasn’t good, so step 1 is sorting a FT job and getting some better savings. I’ll try some of the ideas shared to make things bareable in the meantime. I do think splitting with each having time off and time alone would work better.

OP posts:
Dontjudgeme101 · 09/10/2023 07:11

Dowhadiddydiddydum · 08/10/2023 21:01

You know those people who just walk away from their current life. Get founds years later and weren’t harmed just walked away from everyone and everything. They make sense now. I can totally get how great that must feel to walk away (though I’m sure in the long run there is regret and issues).

I agree with you op. 💐💐💐

BethDuttonsTwin · 09/10/2023 07:20

I'm a single parent. I'm baffled by the constant pushing of the nuclear family as The Only Way. Maybe financially it is, we certainly struggle in that regard but day to day there's no one I love being with more than my teen children and I always felt like that even when they were young - they were two and five when the marriage broke up. The only person who added stress and pressure to the family was my ex H and I see this over and over and over again with friends and family. Spoilt, selfish, resentful men demanding to be prioritised leading to conflict in the marriage, which children pick up on.

UnconventionalLife · 09/10/2023 07:53

OP I feel for you. And the other posters who are feeling worn down.

For what it's worth I think you've taken the right first steps to making change.

If I were in your position i would internally focus more on me. You need some time out every week. So you'll need to find a way to work this in irrespective of resistance.

Have a look at the patterns of a typical weekend & carve out your time & don't back down. So if Saturday mornings are dh mooching about the house & kids playing then claim this time & go out.

Go for a long walk, a coffee, to the library, cafe, meet a friend, go for a swim, visit an art gallery, window shop & buy a book - whatever you feel will give you the greatest chance of recharging a little

Do NOT go grocery shopping or any family admin or organising. Let them sort lunch themselves & come back early afternoon.

If you do this every week you will feel far less claustrophobic. And they will have to find ways to rub along better together & your husband will have to step up & engage with the kids. He could take then swimming or to the park or play a game with them or take them yo visit grandparents etc

I wish you luck going forwards & really hope you get the promotion!

toadasoda · 09/10/2023 08:46

UnconventionalLife · 09/10/2023 07:53

OP I feel for you. And the other posters who are feeling worn down.

For what it's worth I think you've taken the right first steps to making change.

If I were in your position i would internally focus more on me. You need some time out every week. So you'll need to find a way to work this in irrespective of resistance.

Have a look at the patterns of a typical weekend & carve out your time & don't back down. So if Saturday mornings are dh mooching about the house & kids playing then claim this time & go out.

Go for a long walk, a coffee, to the library, cafe, meet a friend, go for a swim, visit an art gallery, window shop & buy a book - whatever you feel will give you the greatest chance of recharging a little

Do NOT go grocery shopping or any family admin or organising. Let them sort lunch themselves & come back early afternoon.

If you do this every week you will feel far less claustrophobic. And they will have to find ways to rub along better together & your husband will have to step up & engage with the kids. He could take then swimming or to the park or play a game with them or take them yo visit grandparents etc

I wish you luck going forwards & really hope you get the promotion!

Yes this is good advice. If you are feeling overwhelmed it will be something to look forward to, I'm not sure about making major life decisions when you are overwhelmed to be honest so maybe give it a few months with your new free time and very strict chores routine for everyone, you mind find happiness in home life again. I do feel bad for squabbling siblings though, they must find it so frustrating living with someone who drives them mad too.

Hollyhocks7 · 09/10/2023 09:36

BethDuttonsTwin · 09/10/2023 07:20

I'm a single parent. I'm baffled by the constant pushing of the nuclear family as The Only Way. Maybe financially it is, we certainly struggle in that regard but day to day there's no one I love being with more than my teen children and I always felt like that even when they were young - they were two and five when the marriage broke up. The only person who added stress and pressure to the family was my ex H and I see this over and over and over again with friends and family. Spoilt, selfish, resentful men demanding to be prioritised leading to conflict in the marriage, which children pick up on.

Agree.

inARut243 · 09/10/2023 09:41

i feel the same. I haven’t read the other posts yet but I do hope you get some good advice. It’s not a nice feeling at all and I can relate to every single thing you have said. I’m sick of my 2 constantly fighting. I’m doing a reward chart at the moment mine are quite young but not sure if this would work with yours as I’m not sure how old they are,

Ragwort · 09/10/2023 10:03

I wish the posters who say they want more than one DC would read this thread ... like a PP said, we chose to have an only DC as I knew that I need a life where I have plenty of time to myself without being surrounded by DC and/or a useless DH.
Fortunately (or was it deliberately?) I chose a DH who is a fully competent adult and more than capable of managing parenting, looking after the house etc etc
We always 'split' childcare so we both had plenty of time for our own individual interests (or just time and space to do nothing). Frequently holidayed separately as well or 1-2-1 with our DC. True, we didn't have tons of 'family time' like some families but my idea of hell would be all wondering around aimlessly at a 'family friendly' attraction. Why put both adults through a tedious activity?
It doesn't seem to have had any adverse effect on our DS, he's mid 20s now but equally close to both of us and even said (unprompted) the other day how much he appreciated having a happy, stable family background.

BananaPalm · 09/10/2023 10:16

Ragwort · 09/10/2023 10:03

I wish the posters who say they want more than one DC would read this thread ... like a PP said, we chose to have an only DC as I knew that I need a life where I have plenty of time to myself without being surrounded by DC and/or a useless DH.
Fortunately (or was it deliberately?) I chose a DH who is a fully competent adult and more than capable of managing parenting, looking after the house etc etc
We always 'split' childcare so we both had plenty of time for our own individual interests (or just time and space to do nothing). Frequently holidayed separately as well or 1-2-1 with our DC. True, we didn't have tons of 'family time' like some families but my idea of hell would be all wondering around aimlessly at a 'family friendly' attraction. Why put both adults through a tedious activity?
It doesn't seem to have had any adverse effect on our DS, he's mid 20s now but equally close to both of us and even said (unprompted) the other day how much he appreciated having a happy, stable family background.

Couldn't agree more. People keep saying "it will get better" but often that means a 15-20 year wait! And even then the siblings might still hate each other or at best live completely separate lives.

Having second child just so that your first has "someone" is utterly ridiculous. If you as parents want it, fine, but you need to realise it might be "unpleasant" for many, many years. And it might not get better.

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