Hate family life

[Dowhadiddydiddydum]

This is just a rant and maybe a desire to link with others who feel the same.

I hate family life or rather my family life.

My children argue constantly. Dislike each other and very rarely get on. They haven’t like each other ever really. Even when youngest came home as a baby I remember older (who was a toddler) did care at all and wasn’t interested. They ignored eachother largely until youngest figures out bugging oldest was a good way to get a reaction and now they fight instantly.

DH is emotionally immature. Unable to manage his stress. Has always created a black cloud over the house when he feels down or sad.

I had been the one bending over backwards to lighten the mood, smooth over the argument, create some fun, try new strategies to make home life better. Often at the price of my own well-being and feelings.

Well I’ve had enough. I don’t give a shit anymore. I’m not breaking my back to make everyone happy. It can all go to shit. Felt this way for a few weeks. They all look at me like I have grown an extra head because I’m not breaking my back to being the positivity and happiness. House has a black cloud over it because I’m not blowing it away. I don’t even care any more.

off on holiday soon. I still don’t care. Last 3 were awful and it’s just the same crap in a new location.

Anyone else relate. At the moment I feel like I’m just waiting for them to grown and leave home, so they can have their own life and DH can divorce me and I can live quietly in my home somewhere.

@Ragwort you've just solidified my decision to keep DS as an only.

@Animal - hope you are content with your decision, there are so many positive points to having an only DC - often you only hear the negative sides. I am sure there are many happy 'larger' families but too risky to try. Both my DH and I come from larger families but have very little contact with our siblings ... no fallings out or going 'no contact' but just all very different people.

This thread has made me have a "grass is not always greener" moment.

It's just me and DD here, we've been talking about Christmas and I do feel a pang that's it's not a lively bustling time here and I feel sad not to have that family life.

On the other hand it looks like I'm living the life some people are actively yearning for - peaceful tidy home, just the two of us able to do nice things together with no one to pour scorn or be grumpy.

I've just booked two tickets to see the Nutcracker for DD and I at Christmas. It is nice to be able to do these things but again I feel sad that it's always just us two.

OP I would say on balance life is better without a miserable man child. I remember our happy times but they were outnumbered by the bad if I'm honest.

“I wish the posters who say they want more than one DC would read this thread ... like a PP said, we chose to have an only DC as I knew that I need a life where I have plenty of time to myself without being surrounded by DC and/or a useless DH.
Fortunately (or was it deliberately?) I chose a DH who is a fully competent adult and more than capable of managing parenting, looking after the house etc etc
We always 'split' childcare so we both had plenty of time for our own individual interests (or just time and space to do nothing). Frequently holidayed separately as well or 1-2-1 with our DC. True, we didn't have tons of 'family time' like some families but my idea of hell would be all wondering around aimlessly at a 'family friendly' attraction. Why put both adults through a tedious activity?
It doesn't seem to have had any adverse effect on our DS, he's mid 20s now but equally close to both of us and even said (unprompted) the other day how much he appreciated having a happy, stable family background.”

@Ragwort

Agreed. I needed to read it, as I am planning to have only 1 child.

This is what I did with my two arguing dc.
I told them that they were not allowed to be in the same room together. They each got half an hour to watch tv with me and they had to take turns being at the dining table.
I wasn't going to take them together anywhere so we did it in turns.
If one was in the kitchen, and the other came in we said 'no, you can't come in as dc2 is here. Wait your turn'
They soon realised it was a stupid way to live and decided to behave a bit better.

This is the reason I'm one and done. I already feel overwhelmed with one, just wishing till gets secondary school and the accompanying increase in freedom.

In hindsight I should not had had a child at all. Knowing my personality. But I didn't know then what I know now.

When they are very young, you think it's a few years away until you get your freedom back. Then it gradually dawns that this won't happen naturally as you get so swamped by family life that it can become your whole identify.

Keep pushing back OP.

I was reading a book about motherhood and the author was saying she didn't feel like her authentic self because she was playing out the cultural role of mother. And a hell of a lot is expected and assumed of that role.

I am honestly overwhelmed by the supportive comments. I thought there was bound to be a few “just get on with it”
type comments.

Sad so many parents are struggling with their home lives. I wish I knew this support in real life! Just knowing it’s not just me helps.

I agree, it's a very refreshing and necessary thread. You can be a very good person and parent and unequivocally struggle with it and sort of want it to be over! (Or at least be less intense). Not because there's something wrong with you or because you need to change your mindset but because it just IS hard.

I think people/ women have always struggled, but it was taboo to talk about, so they either turned to drink/drugs, or had a 'nervous breakdown', or did a flit. And many women didn't have satisfying or fulfilling careers/ social lives and were just told to get on with it.

Yes, I imagine it was always a struggle in this family setup with the woman as giver of life and love, and a brood around her taking, taking, and no replenishment for her. Often social isolation to boot.

@Toloveandtowork Could I ask what the book was called please if you remember it? That quote resonates with me, motherhood can end up being your personality if you forget who you were pre dc.

Sure, will have a look for the name of the book.

Here are some links to reviews of the book.

https://www.bostonglobe.com/2023/09/05/arts/dont-stand-so-close-me/

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/sep/11/motherhood-parenting-body-autonomy

@Toloveandtowork Thank you very much!

Parenting is relentless. I'm sick of working a shitty part time job to fit in around the husband's job, to fit in around school times. Rushing every morning to get to work on time rushing from work to pick the kids up. People moan I park near the school. If I don't I can't get to work on time. If I do not after work I'm late picking the kids up. I'm sick of it all.

Can I say it's so great to read such a non-judgemental and honest thread. It's been so refreshing for me.

I really relate to a lot of posters here. I have an 18 month old who I love dearly but I really struggle with the day in day out of family life and I have loads of family support practically on top to help out and a husband who is a great dad but it still isn't enough. I've come to the conclusion that for me to enjoy and cope with family life, I almost need a few days a week off to cope which of course isn't possible.

It's driven mine and my husband (who loves everything about being a dad) relationship to the brink. I think I'm going to give it till my son is 2 and then if things don't get better, split up and do 50/50. I don't regret my son and love him endlessly but I almost feel if I got a break I'd be a better parent.

god, don't go on holiday, there's nowhere to escape to. We never holiday - I just can't be around my family that intensiely. Just leave them to it and go out as much as humanly possible.

Noise cancelling earphones are currently saving me. I zone out when cooking dinner.

I am the separated 50/50 mother and honestly it's great, children are teenagers and happy. I have lots of downtime and quiet time.

The only negative : the relentless independence is hard after 10 years, relentless financial responsibility, relentless solo house maintenance, and frankly relentless low level resentment from frustrated other mothers which seeps out in odd ways. They see your freedom, but don't see the reality of being a single, self sufficient woman. They have certain choices that I don't have but they don't see that, the choice to work PT, choices about future planning, a pot of combined savings etc, in laws that support them.

I don't regret my decision or my life at all, I love it, but I don't have much of a safety net.

Motherhood is relentless and it makes us resentful of men, who mostly live as they’ve done before.

What I see though is unspoken resentment though, and it needs to be aired. In your situation OP I’d be having a very big chat with all concerned. The way your husband clumsily offered oral sex makes me think he knows something is wrong and is maybe incredibly misguidedly trying to fix it (probably thinking that if he was in a bad way what would fix it, oh yes a blowie, FFS). He’s probably clueless.

Talk to him about it, if it blows up suggest marriage counselling, separate warring children as suggested. Tbh if it were me I’d be having an almighty big fit and organising a weekend away to remind ‘dh’ he’s a adult and a father too. If he’s in a black mood tell him he’s making you all miserable and if he’s not going to improve he can fuck off out for a bit so you all don’t have to put up with him.

If he doesn’t make an effort to change then get rid.

This is very true. It can be terrifying at times keeping it all together.

I recognise all this. My situation is more like 90/100 than 50/50 😃 but is easier now DD is older (albeit more costly).

You have described my situation and feelings about it almost to a T! I think what it highlights is that no situation is perfect, there are ALWAYS trade-offs. It's not necessarily about what will make you immediately happier - a bit of a nebulous and fleeting concept anyway- but what might over time and taking everything into account be likely to deliver a life that is at least MORE fulfilling and in tune with what you need to not feel like you want to stab someone.

This is bang on. Children really pick up on disharmony between their parents so much more than you think. Ironic me pointing this out as I stayed way too long in a horrible situation and only realised from conversations with my 3 years later how unhappy they were being around us. Hence why they resisted and behaved badly on family days out. After a couple of years of shared custody, I’ve ended up as a single parent doing it alone as he lost interest in his kids once he settled with a new partner. But they’re older and we’re close.
You sound like you have a plan with the potential promotion and a timeline for your new life. Use that to keep you going and best of luck 🤞

Curious as to how this panned out for you OP if you're still around ? (And others who posted).

I am feeling very much the same right now !