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Original poster

Tricky in-laws. To go for Christmas or be selfish?

87 replies

sellotape12 · 07/10/2023 18:16

Anyone else feel divided about where to spend Christmas each year? I feel really guilty even writing this, but i dread going to the in-laws. My parents are 3.5 hours away and the in-laws are 6 hours away.
We feel we ought to spend it with them this year because we didn’t go to them the last two years. DH’s sister hosted last year and the year before they chose to spend it alone due to covid fears.

My son isn’t good with long car journeys, so we would need to spend more time driving or break overnight. The in-laws are evangelical Christians, so Christmas for them is only a religious holiday and subsequently there isn’t much festive cheer or even decorations. I’m certainly not bothered about presents but it’s quite a solemn day. Is it selfish to be even thinking of my toddler? Secondly, FIL is on the autism spectrum, so he doesn’t interact with my son. He wouldn’t, for example, share a game with him, help with dressing or feeding. He also struggles to participate in conversation or respond to social norms, so it means getting cornered by his monologues relating to his interests only (roofing materials, motorway data, local council stuff). I really sympathise because this isn’t somebody who’s being rude, it’s just the way his brain works – it’s just that it makes our Christmas break feel quite stilted.
Meanwhile, MIL is a bit passive aggressive. I don’t think it’s malicious, but because they’re both very set in their ways, she can’t help make little remarks when we do things that are not exactly to the lifestyle. She will likely spend Christmas Eve and Boxing Day running their local food bank which I admire but secretly wish she’d make more time for her grandson. I feel horrible because maybe Christmas is about sacrifice and spending it with your family, but I would just love to relax instead.

Another option is we rent an Airbnb or something near their house so we have our own space. Or, we spend it with my parents. They have a tiny house with not much space or money but loads of cheer and love and fun and help. But I would just feel guilty going there twice in a row.

We offered to host the in-laws, but they don’t want to do that because they like their own home and don’t want to put their dogs in kennels. I’m a bit stuck between feeling duty-bound and kind of wanting my own Christmas break. Btw my husband’s view is he really doesn’t want to go.
Am I missing another option?

OP posts:
mrstea301 · 07/10/2023 18:19

Do they genuinely want you to visit? Not meaning it in a bad way but if it is. Purely religious holiday for them (that you don't observe in the same way) and they don't decorate etc, and your MIL will be running the local food bank, do they really want visitors?

mrstea301 · 07/10/2023 18:19

It sounds like you have a prime opportunity to visit them outwith Christmas and it won't feel like an obligation x

PunkAssMoFo · 07/10/2023 18:23

Stay home They won’t put themselves out, so why should you drag your toddler there if they don’t interact. Your duty was covered by your to offer host. Don’t feel guilty, have a lovely Christmas with your little one at home and see them at some other point.

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icebearforpresident · 07/10/2023 18:23

Could you not just stay home, have a Christmas to yourselves? Just say you don’t want to travel, in fact you don’t need to offer any explanation, you just say you are staying home. Since our youngest was born we have had Christmas at home, although it’s simpler for us as his parents live 10 minutes away so they do see the kids on the day but after the first year of doing it there was no expectation that we would be there every year and that was 7 years ago.

Screamingabdabz · 07/10/2023 18:24

No. Six hour drive to spend Christmas with boring joyless fuckers who don’t even make an effort when you are there? (And I speak as a Christian). Fuck that shit. Prioritise your little one and make Christmas magical for them however you choose to do it.

LastNightAPandaSavedMyLife · 07/10/2023 18:25

You just stay at home?

CoraLovesMashedPotato · 07/10/2023 18:26

No. You offered, they declined. Be selfish, spend it at home and make it as noisy and festive and over the top as you want to for your toddler.

Intelligenthair · 07/10/2023 18:26

I was poised to say YWBU until I read your post and now I’ve changed my mind!

Have the Christmas you want, theirs sounds joyless. Keep the invite open to yours if they change their minds. And most of all- let their son communicate with them about it!

PermanentTemporary · 07/10/2023 18:27

I would try to talk it through with your MIL.

I'd be inclined to go. If they're not ideal fun, they are still your dc's family.

I would go for Christmas Eve evening and Christmas Day morning, and aim to spend most of it in church, where if they're evangelical there will be lots of other families, a children's church, lots of music, decorations, presents. Also you can do a stocking and direct that yourself. Then have a big lunch with them and head off.

Original poster
sellotape12 · 07/10/2023 18:28

Yes that’s crossed my mind too. They’ve chosen a few times to spend it alone and meet up with their church friends. They’re fit and active in the community and don’t always seem that bothered if neither DH or his sister visit!

OP posts:
CoffeeBeansGalore · 07/10/2023 18:28

Spend Christmas at home relaxing & letting your child enjoy their presents. Maybe visit your parents Boxing Day.

Can you make a trip in January incorporating a visit to the in laws? Meet at a restaurant maybe? No hosting hassle for anyone then.

Phineyj · 07/10/2023 18:29

If your husband doesn't want to go, why are you even giving it head space?!

I have religious inlaws and we never go at Xmas (we go at New Year). It's not joyless, and they're nice enough people, but they're not in a position to host - they've got a church to run.

Peachy2005 · 07/10/2023 18:42

They don’t want you, their son doesn’t want to go to them…why not have the Xmas you want? Whether that’s staying home or going to your parents. You only get a finite number of these lovely Christmasses when the kids are small…don’t waste a single one of them.

itsgettingweird · 07/10/2023 19:03

Btw my husband’s view is he really doesn’t want to go.

That's all that matters.

wateraddict · 07/10/2023 19:08

Maybe meet up early in the new year or mid Dec instead? Could you meet in the middle and each drive 3 hours and spend a day together? It might be easier to find a dog sitter for a non-Christmas date, maybe someone would be able to feed and walk the dogs for just a day?

Goldbar · 07/10/2023 19:09

You have 18 childhood Christmases with your toddler. 18. That's not a huge number and you've presumably had 2 or 3 of them already if he's a toddler.

Don't waste them on people who aren't going to help you make Christmas a joy for him.

I'm not overly fond of spending Christmas with my in laws, but I must admit that they make it fun for my DC from morning till night. Surprises, trips out, making gingerbread houses and decorating cakes, going for walks to look at Christmas lights, Christmas films, hot chocolate with marshmallows, Christmas pyjamas. They absolutely love spending time with DC. So even though I'd prefer to stay at home or visit my own parents, we've been for Christmas a couple of times and my DC has loved it. I wouldn't bother if we were going to a joyless house where no one was really interested.

Dontwanttowaitanymore · 07/10/2023 19:18

We spent multiple christmases visiting my husbands family as we had the young children everyone wanted to see. Now my children are teens and the older cousins are having babies. Suddenly we are not invited and I am left trying to make excuses for not visiting. It’s so hard on my kids especially as they send photos of the celebrations. I have to suggest make your own Christmas if people want to visit that’s lovely.

Favouritefruits · 07/10/2023 19:23

it sounds like they would prefer you to visit at a different time, maybe new year? they sound busy with food banks and church, I’d go to your parents house as it sounds a nice environment for a child but if make a point of going to in-laws the next big occasion such as new year or Easter!

Iloveacurry · 07/10/2023 19:26

If your DH isn’t bothered, why should you be? Visit them some other time.

LaurieStrode · 07/10/2023 19:32

PunkAssMoFo · 07/10/2023 18:23

Stay home They won’t put themselves out, so why should you drag your toddler there if they don’t interact. Your duty was covered by your to offer host. Don’t feel guilty, have a lovely Christmas with your little one at home and see them at some other point.

This.

Nothing on earth would prompt me to spend such a dreary Christmas as you describe. Stay home, establish your own traditions, Facetime them if they want to.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 07/10/2023 19:38

Jeez! How is this even a question?? I think when you have very young DC you should spend it at home so they can play with their new toys and be comfortable. Going to the ILa doesn’t sound relaxing or fun. If they really wanted to see you, they’d come to you.

Spend Christmas at home and enjoy it!

avocadotofu · 07/10/2023 19:46

Definitely stay home.

Coffeaddict · 07/10/2023 19:50

Stay home and start your own new Christmas traditions. Leave an open invitation to il laws if they do choose to cone and similar provide an invitation to your own parents if you like.

Needanewname44 · 07/10/2023 19:53

Absolutely don't go.

Daffyyellow · 07/10/2023 19:53

Stay home. Invite both sets of parents and hope yours come and the in-laws don’t.