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Original poster

Tricky in-laws. To go for Christmas or be selfish?

87 replies

sellotape12 · 07/10/2023 18:16

Anyone else feel divided about where to spend Christmas each year? I feel really guilty even writing this, but i dread going to the in-laws. My parents are 3.5 hours away and the in-laws are 6 hours away.
We feel we ought to spend it with them this year because we didn’t go to them the last two years. DH’s sister hosted last year and the year before they chose to spend it alone due to covid fears.

My son isn’t good with long car journeys, so we would need to spend more time driving or break overnight. The in-laws are evangelical Christians, so Christmas for them is only a religious holiday and subsequently there isn’t much festive cheer or even decorations. I’m certainly not bothered about presents but it’s quite a solemn day. Is it selfish to be even thinking of my toddler? Secondly, FIL is on the autism spectrum, so he doesn’t interact with my son. He wouldn’t, for example, share a game with him, help with dressing or feeding. He also struggles to participate in conversation or respond to social norms, so it means getting cornered by his monologues relating to his interests only (roofing materials, motorway data, local council stuff). I really sympathise because this isn’t somebody who’s being rude, it’s just the way his brain works – it’s just that it makes our Christmas break feel quite stilted.
Meanwhile, MIL is a bit passive aggressive. I don’t think it’s malicious, but because they’re both very set in their ways, she can’t help make little remarks when we do things that are not exactly to the lifestyle. She will likely spend Christmas Eve and Boxing Day running their local food bank which I admire but secretly wish she’d make more time for her grandson. I feel horrible because maybe Christmas is about sacrifice and spending it with your family, but I would just love to relax instead.

Another option is we rent an Airbnb or something near their house so we have our own space. Or, we spend it with my parents. They have a tiny house with not much space or money but loads of cheer and love and fun and help. But I would just feel guilty going there twice in a row.

We offered to host the in-laws, but they don’t want to do that because they like their own home and don’t want to put their dogs in kennels. I’m a bit stuck between feeling duty-bound and kind of wanting my own Christmas break. Btw my husband’s view is he really doesn’t want to go.
Am I missing another option?

OP posts:
CaramelMac · 07/10/2023 19:58

You invited them to you and they declined because of their dogs so why in earth would you consider taking your child on a SIX HOUR car journey to this misery fest?

SlightlygrumpyBettyswaitress · 07/10/2023 19:58

Just stay at home. Sounds like they ain't bothered!

Parky04 · 07/10/2023 20:01

We have stayed at home for Christmas day ever since we married 27 years ago. We visit people between between Boxing Day and the New Year.

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determinedtomakethiswork · 07/10/2023 20:25

I wouldn't even think of going! It sounds utterly miserable. I doubt they'll be bothered anyway. You don't need to tell them if you spend it with your mum.

sprigatito · 07/10/2023 20:29

No, fuck that noise. Your DS is only little for a few short years, he doesn't need to have his Christmas wrecked by a pair of fanatical joyless tub-thumpers.

thelengthspeoplegoto · 07/10/2023 20:42

You have your own family now, do Christmas your way. You have welcomed them to come to you so you've done your bit. Really, don't feel guilty. Why should you have a miserable Christmas.
Agree with a PP, go visit them another time. It sounds like much less pressure all round.

Allthingsdecember · 07/10/2023 20:47

Invite them to yours for Christmas. If (when) they so say no, you can just say ‘oh that’s a shame but we completely understand. We want DS to wake up in his own home on Christmas Day but we’ll make plans to see you soon’.

You don’t need to feel any guilt for not spending Christmas with people who turn down your invite. They’re choosing not to spend the day with you.

FofB · 07/10/2023 20:51

Why do you feel guilty? Honestly, if your OH doesn't mind, you are just making worry when you don't need to. Maybe you should spend some time thinking about why even writing it out makes you feel guilty.

You've invited them, they've said no and they get to have the Christmas they want. Send them a little video on Christmas Day.

Overthehillbutnotveryfar · 07/10/2023 20:57

Seriously - just say you are having this Christmas at home and will make time to see everyone else on the New Year . Find some ‘convenient’ excuse - everyone will breathe a sigh of relief and you get to have the Christmas you really want with your own family. IMO there is too much trashing around at Xmas and unless you really want to travel and see family mostly people are happier staying home !

Overthehillbutnotveryfar · 07/10/2023 20:58

PS - there is no way you are being selfish !

Aquamarine1029 · 07/10/2023 21:02

Why would you even think of ruining your and your child's Christmas by going there? I'm honestly at a loss why you would even consider it and have any guilty feelings. They sound absolutely fucking miserable.

DeclineandFall · 07/10/2023 21:03

Don't go. I endured years of joyless Christmas with my in-laws. When DC became toddlers I put my foot down so their Christmases wouldn't be ruined and said Christmas was at ours and they could come or not. Mostly they did and moaned but it wasn't as terrible.

PinkDaffodil2 · 07/10/2023 21:08

If your husband doesn’t want to go and they don’t seem too fussed why are you even considering this?
It seems totally disproportionate amount of hassle and stress for what? It doesn’t sound like they’d be mortally offended if you don’t go. Visit a bank holiday in summer instead and plan a few nice day trips your toddler will enjoy.
It would be even harder in a few years when little one has more expectations of Christmas time.

mollyfolk · 07/10/2023 21:12

Nope nope nope. Don’t feel one bit bad about not going. It doesn’t even sound like they are mad into having you. It’s sounds utterly miserable. It’s not fair on your toddler. These years are so special.

you are a nicer person than me to even consider going 😂

Oioicaptain · 07/10/2023 21:23

It's so hard isn't it, but I always think how sad it is that babies and young children (and their parents) can't just enjoy a bit of quality time relaxing when parents of young children are so short of time and absolutely knackered. Christmas is for young children and families. Did your or their parents spend hours driving and alternating, without ever getting the chance to relax? Even going to your parents is a long trek. Could you stay in a hotel close to your parents if their house is small? Could you all rent a holiday place together for an after Xmas get together (both sets of families at once on the 27th). His parents have made it clear that they don't want to compromise and will be pretty busy. They also have more time than you, presumably. So tell them that the distance is too much but ask them for their suggestions. Put it back on them to come up with some ideas.

Totalwasteofpaper · 07/10/2023 21:29

PunkAssMoFo · 07/10/2023 18:23

Stay home They won’t put themselves out, so why should you drag your toddler there if they don’t interact. Your duty was covered by your to offer host. Don’t feel guilty, have a lovely Christmas with your little one at home and see them at some other point.

This.
Have Christmas at home.
Do it how you like and make it lovely for your son.

They make the effort or they don't.

TheHouseonHauntedHill · 07/10/2023 21:40

Op, you are framing it wrong.
It's not being selfish and it sounds like they don't want you there.
Your dh doesn't want to go i think it's cruel to make him

Weenurse · 07/10/2023 21:50

Once you have little ones, things change, I found.
The focus is on the DC, being at home so they can open their gifts and play.
We had an open house policy then with all welcome. Our parents were fit enough to travel to us if they chose.
As DC grow and make their own families , our parents aged and were no longer able to travel and we have returned to visiting them

GG1986 · 07/10/2023 22:15

Your husband is on the same page and doesn't want to go, so don't go. I wouldn't be dragging my toddler on a 6 hour drive.

Thepossibility · 07/10/2023 22:38

There's no way I'd subject my child to that sad Christmas. I'd just visit them at a different time rather than ruin that special time of year. You only get a small number of years where they are small and delighted by Chritmas.

Original poster
sellotape12 · 08/10/2023 07:42

Yes that’s a good idea. A three hour midway drive would be a nice part of the country too, so we could suggest that

OP posts:
Original poster
sellotape12 · 08/10/2023 07:45

Thanks so much, somebody else said this as well. They’re only little for a little bit aren't they? I think my husband was thinking maybe we should go this year whilst my son is so little he doesn’t really understand Christmas festivities and maybe next year we do our own at home. But all that was on the basis of feeling that we were duty-bound, rather than wanting to.

OP posts:
Original poster
sellotape12 · 08/10/2023 07:49

@Weenurse Ah that’s a good balance. When your kids were as tiny as mine is, did the parents not mind? Generally, did people understand travelling with a tiny tots is hard and they want to be at home? Or were there any kind of hard feelings?
The in laws are early-mid 60’s and fit and active with no known illnesses. So they could travel to ours - they just won’t.

OP posts:
Original poster
sellotape12 · 08/10/2023 07:52

@TheHouseonHauntedHill yes, I definitely have more feelings of guilt than he does. I guess I want to make sure that he’s not ruining his own relationship with his parents y’know? And don’t want to peeve off his sister, who might feel that she is the one obligated to host them/visit them on Christmas (but she lives 30 mins not 6 hours away)

my husband’s relationship with his parents is polite and light. Yet they are not close, consider themselves to have very little in common, and his parents struggle to share feelings of enjoyment, and don’t ask how we are. My husband considers them almost like you would a family friend (which I guess just makes me a bit sad!) but maybe you just can’t change people.

OP posts:
WimpoleHat · 08/10/2023 07:53

“Hi MIL. We”d love to have you come here for Christmas? That said, I know it’s such a busy time for you with all your wonderful community work, so quite understand if you’d prefer to come another time? Or we could come and visit you at/in New Year? Let me know what works best for you and FIL……”

You look keen and proactive here….